She got defensive when I said 'I like you'

[Carolina55]

Male, 38. Recently got back into dating. I met a woman online, 37, (divorced with two kids, for whatever thats worth). 
 

On our first date we walked around downtown and got a drink or two. She was pretty, sweet, and had interesting hobbies. I made sure to keep it fun and also made my interest in her clear and apparent. She texted me later that night, “Made it home safe. Thank you for an awesome night!”.

 

We went on a second date and again had a lot of fun. We kissed in the parking lot and she again sent a similar text.

She called me once or twice over the next week and we talked for almost an hour. She said, “It’s good to hear the sound of your voice.”

She drove an hour to come visit me on the third date. We spent the day walking around town (I probably could have planned it better but she seemed like she enjoyed herself). 
 

We ended up back at my place and i cooked us dinner. I was holding her hand and said “I like you. I want to keep seeing you” Not in an overly emotional way but just confirming what I was feeling. I’m not really sure why,  but it seemed like a natural thing to say at the time, especially since logistics were going to make it a while before we could see each other again.
 
Her: “But we just met.”

Me: “Well, yeah, I know from experience it takes a while to get to know someone, and I have no expectations at this point.”

Her: “Ive rushed into things in the past and it got messy.”

Me: “Same, you've got to learn how you work with someone.”

Her: “And I’ve got kids”

Me: “Of course. They come first.”

 

I felt a bit awkward and embarrassed at that point and switched topics and focused on the rest of the time being more lighthearted. Still, I felt like something was off when she left. I waited a few days and then texted her something simple. 
 

Her: “Ive had time to think and we’re on a completely different pace, which is important to me. I hope you find someone who matches your pace.”

I honestly felt awful. And felt like an idiot. I beat myself up for expressing any kind of feelings, even though I feel like they were still fairly light.

My friends (male and female) all say I didnt do anything wrong. My sister tells me to keep being transparent and it will weed people out (her own husband confessed much more emotions on their second date). Still, I keep analyzing what I could have done differently.

As easy as it is to fault myself, I still feel like her sudden change in attitude was surprising. I feel like if she were truly interested she could have communicated her desire to take things slow (which I would have been on board with). Which I suppose means she wasnt truly interested or doesnt actually want a relationship. 
 

Any outside perspective is appreciated. 

[Gebidozo]

Your friends and your sister are absolutely right.

You are right too:

7 minutes ago, Carolina55 said:

I feel like if she were truly interested she could have communicated her desire to take things slow (which I would have been on board with). Which I suppose means she wasnt truly interested or doesnt actually want a relationship.

 

[smackie9]

I agree you didn't do anything wrong....for whatever reason, she's just not ready for "serious" but it seems you are. You two are on different planets. You both have desires, but of a different kind. Move on. 

[NuevoYorko]

Everybody was right.   

It's okay, the way things turned out, even though it feels like absolute crap.  Definitely, you did nothing wrong and were being true to yourself.  She probably likes you plenty, but is not ready to forge a relationship.  Probably just wanted to enjoy casually dating.  That's not where you're at.  

So, now you both know and it's time to move forward.

[BaileyB]

5 hours ago, Carolina55 said:

Still, I keep analyzing what I could have done differently.

Woman here, I don’t think you did anything wrong. 

In fact, I think you gained some valuable information about this woman - she is just not ready for a relationship right now.

Yes, she could have and should have communicated her desire to take things really slow. But, she didn’t. She chose flight instead. It was nothing that you did. She likely wasn’t ready for a relationship for whatever the reason…

Edited August 9 by BaileyB

[Alpacalia]

6 hours ago, Carolina55 said:

Her: “But we just met.”

Me: “Well, yeah, I know from experience it takes a while to get to know someone, and I have no expectations at this point.”

Her: “Ive rushed into things in the past and it got messy.”

Me: “Same, you've got to learn how you work with someone.”

Her: “And I’ve got kids”

Me: “Of course. They come first.”

Her texts to you almost sound like she is on the insecure side. If that is the case she likely is baffled and overwhelmed that you would be showing an interest. Of course, I could be wrong and her mentioning she has kids is an indicator that she’s very conscious about choosing someone to bring into their lives. She probably freaked herself out in regards to liking you and trying to protect herself and her kids.

You definitely did not do anything wrong, especially since you went with the flow of the conversation instead of trying to push for a relationship. I think her past experiences have really influenced the way she views relationships, and unfortunately it seems like you may have been caught in the crossfire.

All you said was that you want to keep seeing her and like her.  If she gets scared off at every guy that likes her but "have extensively gotten to know her” only to realize that she does not want to “keep seeing” him, then she may be the one being “pathologically negative” herself. You only expressed your interest in her, it was her choice to interpret it in her own unique way- don’t beat yourself up over it. 

Edited August 9 by Alpacalia

[CollinW]

Yeah you are never wrong for expressing yourself, but yes after two dates something that intense would turn some people off. 

It's not to say she didn't like you, but people coming out of a divorce often feel the need to tread lightly. Saying you like her in a non casual way put all your cards on the table of what you were looking for. Sucking the fun out of the dating for her. 

Next time I would simply hide your hand better. Stuff like that won't make a woman like you more, but if you're not on the same page yet it may definitely turn her off. 

[ShyViolet]

I don't think there was anything wrong with what you said.  I think it was fine.  It sounds like she realized that she is not ready for a relationship.  She probably has issues of her own that have nothing to do with you.  Don't take it personally.

[ExpatInItaly]

Woman here, also chiming in that you did nothing wrong. 

If she were into you the way you are into her (and she was in the headspace to be open to more), she would have loved your comment. It sucks but at least you know she wasn't on the same page and it wouldn't have worked. 

[FredEire]

Yeah I also agree what you said was pretty reasonable. It seems she's not ready for a relationship and any mention of anything close to that got her going on the defensive.

If you'd said "I think you're the one and I want us to spend the rest of our life together" I'd say her reaction might have been justified. But after 3 good dates I think it's pretty normal to tell someone something small like you like them and want to keep seeing them.

[flitzanu]

the one thing you will learn around here, if someone is on your level...they are going to match your energy.  

you just told her you "like" her, you didn't say you wanted to marry her...and her reaction sounds that way as if you were immediately turning it into some serious relationship.  i don't think you did anything wrong either, you were being honest and transparent about your feelings and intentions.

if she "liked" you as well, i can't imagine she would react so poorly about it.  probably saved you a lot of time, that maybe she isn't a good match.