CatSingle54 Posted August 9 Share Posted August 9 I have been seeing a MM for over two years. When we first met, we were both married. Six months after the affair I left my husband but didn’t make is a priority for the MM to do the same. Our relationship has been the most intense and passionate of my life. I told him I would never demand him to leave his wife but did tell him I would likely reach a point when being the other woman wasn’t going to work. Over the last few months I have started to detach, but wasn’t quite aware it was happening. Over the last week I have become aware and have let him know my feelings have changed and I want to end the relationship. He has responded by telling me that he spent our first year together supporting me through my divorce, emotionally. Due to this, he wasn’t in a place to make a drastic change. Then he has shared that due to our relationship he has blown up his marriage - not being physical, distancing himself, but not making it official. I knew he was in an unhappy marriage but now he is placing that on me. I never asked him to make a change. We are two consenting adults. But now, when I want to walk away, he is pushing a large amount of guilt on me. I know I am horrible for being in this relationship, but is it even worse than I thought? Or is he just trying to guilt me to stay? Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted August 9 Share Posted August 9 3 hours ago, CatSingle54 said: Or is he just trying to guilt me to stay? I think he is aware that it’s time for him to make a decision about the future of his marriage - and he’s clearly not prepared to do that at this time. To ease the pressure and his own guilt, he is now shifting the blame to you… And, when people do this, it is a form of manipulation. He is attempting to distract you, shifting the conversation from him to you - conveniently relieving some of his own stress and absolving some of his own guilt/making himself feel better in the process. So, either he is aware that you are pulling away/ending the relationship and he is trying, as you say, to manipulate the situation to buy himself some time by guilting you to stay and accept less than you would otherwise expect. Or, he is trying to make himself feel better by making himself the victim - he supported you through your divorce, how dare you expect that he will leave his marriage and not support him by giving him the time (however long that may be) to be ready to file for divorce… I personally would tell him to look me up when he has his divorce papers in hand. If I’m single, I would consider a relationship at that time. That’s the best way to know that he has made the decision to divorce for himself and choosing to be with you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted August 9 Share Posted August 9 (edited) 4 hours ago, CatSingle54 said: He has shared that due to our relationship he has blown up his marriage - not being physical, distancing himself… He has blown up his marriage with his decision to have an extramarital affair. If he wasn’t a good spouse during his affair - that is on him. That decision, and the consequences that have/will result from that decision are all on him… Don’t let him tell you otherwise. Edited August 9 by BaileyB 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted August 9 Share Posted August 9 He can only push guilt on you if you are susceptible to his immature attempt to manipulate you. He's an adult. We do adult relationships because we WANT to. You owe him NOTHING based on previous expectations or what he did and didn't do in his marriage. The fact that he is trying to guilt you indicates that you were in an affair with a thoroughly immature person. Run. If you feel guilt, that only means you have a faulty guilt radar. We do NOT date people out of guilt--especially when an affair is the history. There are few rules when there are affairs. Ask him if he felt guilt for mistreating and cheating on his wife. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted August 9 Share Posted August 9 (edited) 3 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said: The fact that he is trying to guilt you indicates that you were in an affair with a thoroughly immature person. Yeah, you are seeing another side of him and it’s not pretty. This kind of immature, conflict avoidant behavior would actually lead me to decide that he is NOT a good choice for a long term partner. I would leave him to his marriage and I would not look back… Edited August 9 by BaileyB 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted August 10 Share Posted August 10 Resisting his guilt is your last (and perhaps biggest) step of escaping this guy. Fight with all your might. And let yourself dream of bonding with someone who is available and free and treats you great and who you really like. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted August 10 Share Posted August 10 8 hours ago, CatSingle54 said: now, when I want to walk away, he is pushing a large amount of guilt on me. I know I am horrible for being in this relationship, but is it even worse than I thought? Or is he just trying to guilt me to stay? Not sure what you mean by "even worse than" but my thought to (all) the above would be - who cares? If him leaving his marriage was what you wanted and he didn't do it, then there's really no reason to stick around. I don't encourage people to divorce (and certainly won't ask you to do the same); that said I think spelling out what you want (which you've done) and seeing whether he'll actually deliver makes sense given what seems to be your position. IF you've lost feelings regardless, just walk and find someone without all the baggage (and there WILL be baggage, even if he divorces, if you're together and it comes out that you were in an affair together - that's one of the prices you have to pay for such things). I think you need to decide whether it's him you want (AND could ever actually get if you DO want him) vs. a clean slate. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted August 10 Share Posted August 10 He's just big mad that he's not going to be able to have his cake and eat it too anymore. It's time to walk away from him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MsJayne Posted August 10 Share Posted August 10 15 hours ago, CatSingle54 said: Or is he just trying to guilt me to stay? Hell yes. Did you notice how he waited to pull this rabbit out of his hat until you told him it's over? And did you notice how he didn't actually say he was leaving his wife, just that because of you he's blown up his marriage? See what he did there, turned you into a homewrecker and himself into a jilted saint? Your feelings have changed, I say run with that . 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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