Fiance won't have sex with me.

[user1]

My fiance refuses to have sexual intercourse with me.

He will cuddle me and hug me in bed at night, but pulls away when I reach out to him for sexual intimacy.

 

We had a terrible fight today, which culiminated in him taunting me about "all you want is sex", and me telling him that I could not live the rest of my life in a loveless relationship.

 

This man has had a long history of infidelity in our relationship. We broke up 7 years ago due to his infidelity (and his claim that I try to control him). We got back together 1 1/2 years ago and got engaged this past september; he has had no problem having sex from women he barely knows from match.com, at the hospital from nurses and techs where he is a doctor, and from female friends he is set up with by his friends. he refuses to have sex with me.

 

he told me today that: "to have sex with you is like me having to give up my life and die, that is my fear of intimacy with you. You should be happy that we spent all of New Year's together just holding each other and doing things together. I don't do that with other women. I chose to do that with you. Sex isn't everything. I need time to heal".

 

His doctor wife divorced him in 2003 because of his parents' interference into their marriage. I know he passionately loved his wife, because he told me that when he first saw her from across a room, he just felt he had to have her and that he knew she was the one he was going to marry. he claims today that he has no desire to return to her when I challenged him about the the reason why he would not be intimate with me. I know that the divorce hurt him deeply, because he had to choose his parents over the woman he deeply loved.

 

I asked him today if he was just not into me. He denies this and says that I am too critical of him, and he needs time to heal and come around his own time.

 

I have been crying every single day, heart broken. infidelity and now this. Please help me shed some light into this. I have too much invested to just give up.

[riobikini]

Oh dear!

 

If only we (I) could see inside his head and know his thoughts, -(both the passing ones AND the concentrated ones)!

 

He sounds as if he keeps trying to prove his value as a sexual partner with others who are meaningless in his life to get over some deep hurt which injured his perception of himself as a sexual, masculine being.

 

He desperately wants to be the 'sweet nectar' attracting ALL the honey-bees.

 

In getting as many as he can validates his role as a male.

 

Sooner or later, this turns into an addition and then, -a way of life.

 

It could have been present in his behavior all along.

 

Men are more likely the ones to actively seek the stamp of 're-approval' in the sexual worth department after a divorce.

 

He may have been attempting to regain affirmation of self-value as a worthy and desirable partner from the, obviously, debilitating after-effects of the divorce, but has allowed the 'un-natural' mutation of a natural need to feel attractive to demand that it feed his bruised ego with the attention of more and more women to prove it and gain approval and validation.

 

Or he just feels so damned useless and worthless as a sexual masculine being that sex with someone he cares about (you), is something he treats far too gingerly in order to protect, believeing that, in doing so, it will not become tarnished by the act of sex, which has become, somehow, 'dirty' and troublesome in light of the recent challenges to his male sexual role.

 

He may also, have simply been a philanderer to begin with who finally got what was coming in his marriage and does not really WANT o-n-e woman in his life, -at least, not for now.

 

It could be so many things that we can only speculate with a high degree of possible inaccuracy.

 

He needs to figure out the whole mess himself (and with professional help, possibly) so any future relationship can progress in a healthy way.

 

Take care.

 

-Rio

[travellingman]

We broke up 7 years ago due to his infidelity.

 

His doctor wife divorced him in 2003 because of his parents' interference into their marriage.

 

Who was he being unfaithful with? his wife?

 

He got divorced because of his parents and not his relationship with you?

[Becoming]

I think you need to do a serious assessment of your investments.

 

Why do you continue to invest in what looks like a losing proposition? What's at stake for you?

 

There comes a point in your investment strategy when no matter how much you have invested you have to make a decision as to whether you think it'll eventually pay off or if you'd be ahead to pull out now and save yourself more significant loss.

 

Only you can make that decision. He has a lot going on right now. But it sounds like he's having an affair, and I think you suspect this, too. Find out one way or the other and then do a serious evaluation of your investments.

[Basic]

End it now. why waste more effort,emotion, time with him.

[Art_Critic]

But it sounds like he's having an affair.

 

I agree..he is cheating

 

I can't say with 100% accuracy but to me a man having the sex convos with you the way he has says that he is cheating..

[loony]

I agree..he is cheating

 

I can't say with 100% accuracy but to me a man having the sex convos with you the way he has says that he is cheating..

That's weird, I would have believed him.

[riobikini]

OK...now, more BLUNTLY:

 

RE:

 

"to have sex with you is like me having to give up my life and die,

 

It KILLS him to HAVE SEX with you. So DON'T.

 

 

"...that i s my fear of intimacy with you."

 

He CLEARLY is saying "I want NOTHING with you, -not sex, not intimacy". So PULL OUT.

 

 

"You should be happy that we spent all of New Year's together just holding each other and doing things together. "

 

He's saying you should be grateful for whatever small tidbits he is willing to dole out to you. But you are BETTER than that...LEAVE HIM in his own miserable, stinking pile of scraps.

 

"I don't do that with other women."

 

That's RIGHT! He doesn't 'hold' other women, HE SLEEPS WITH THEM! He's telling you NOW.

 

 

"I choose to do that with you."

 

That's only because you were AVAILABLE and someone else was NOT. Or maybe someone else WAS available and he (for some reason) made time for you to give you a scrap or two, while he thought of being with her the entire time, wondering what he was missing.

 

 

"Sex isn't everything."

 

Yes it is, TO HIM! It's what makes his world go round.

 

 

"I need time to heal".

 

Definately. He needs a lot of THERAPY!

 

 

GET OUT OF THAT RELATIONSHIP!

 

Take care.

 

-Rio

[loony]

Then why is he engaged to hear??? I don't get it. Do they really care with whom they sleep with?

[user1]

Thanks for your insights.

 

I am really going through the NC withdrawl right now...ugh....I am exhausted.

 

he tells me that he doens't have sex with these women. but I'm certain they at least give him oral sex. "you don't know what I do with these women, they mean nothing to me. I'm sure I've hurt them by just leaving them".

 

I'm certain he never cheated on his wife. when she filed for divorce, she reported that he would refuse to consummate their marriage and have children with her. sounds like he had sexual problems in their relationship.

 

he told me that controlling who he gives sex to his the only control he has left in a relationship, since (I) have already taken his freedoms away from him. ie. to date other women. He says that until he feels happy and uncriticized and ready to have sex, then he'll do it. he says when I came back into his life, he was not yet ready to make a commitment to any one woman yet, and I pressured him to make a commitment before he was ready. he has moved across country to be with me, and left his family, and he is terribly depressed about it, and tells me he is depressed everyday about having to leave his family and his great job for me, and here I am complaining and criticizing to him about not having sex. he is ticked off and doesn't want to speak to me now.

 

He says that he knows how much emotional importance I put into sex, and he says he doesn't want to hurt me or say that he had sex with me in order for me to demand that he owes me something, which I would not do.

 

He denies that he is giving me scraps, he says that if he was only into having sex with these other women, he would have dumped me instead of asking me to marry him.

[loony]

he told me that controlling who he gives sex to his the only control he has left in a relationship, since (I) have already taken his freedoms away from him. ie. to date other women. He says that until he feels happy and uncriticized and ready to have sex, then he'll do it. he says when I came back into his life, he was not yet ready to make a commitment to any one woman yet, and I pressured him to make a commitment before he was ready. he has moved across country to be with me, and left his family, and he is terribly depressed about it, and tells me he is depressed everyday about having to leave his family and his great job for me, and here I am complaining and criticizing to him about not having sex. he is ticked off and doesn't want to speak to me now.

He's a passive-aggressive whining idiot who lacks any sense of self-responsibility. 'Nuff said...

 

Good to see that you decided to get out of this situation.

[ElizabethH]

You deserve so much better!! You'll find a man who will be more than happy to have sex with you...Please forget about this messed up man!!! He won't change!