Question about "No Contact"

[Ebania]

I have read a few of the longer posts about "no contact" policies... and I'm not challenging the fact that they do make sense. Especially as taking time away to concentrate on one's self for a while is a good thing.

 

One thing that I don't understand though, is that in descriptions of NC, people have talked about how the ex will relate to you being a stronger person, or how involved you are in your own life, or notice your self improvements... and I think how? They can't see you, talk to you, hear from you, or anything else... how can you really expect them to have you on their mind?

 

I actually contacted mine on Christmas Day... sent a nice Christmas message via text, and got one back. Nothing I regret, it had been more than 6 months since there had been any contact, and it was a pleasant exchange. Was kind of hoping it might trigger a bit more of a conversation, but it didn't.

 

I kind of wonder just how bad it could be to email him and ask him if we could finally get to that cup of coffee that we have talked about in the past. But there has been so much no contact now, I don't even know if he is currently seeing someone. As much as I think we would get along at least if we did bump into each other now, it isn't going to happen by chance at all.

[slubberdegullion]

These are good questions, Ebania, and deserve a thoughtful response. Here's my clumsy attempt.

 

The alternative to NC is some sort of regular contact, from in-your-face harassment to the occasional, sparse email or phone call. Now, I can only speak from personal experience here, but when I find that I'm contacted either all the time or only occasionally by an ex, I don't think of her (well, them) as being able to get on with their lives and continue to learn and grow. And when I've fallen into the trap of maintaining contact with an ex, the contact usually starts off innocently enough, but I often end up feeling as bad, or worse, than I did immediately post-breakup.

 

For me personally, therefore, the contact puts me back in a place where I would rather not be.

 

Those with whom I have split, and have maintained a policy of NC on both sides, have, in a strange way, earned my respect. They have moved forward, and my thoughts of them are of pleasant memories, instead of continuing irritation.

 

Again, this is only from my personal experience, but I don't think I'm particularly unique in this regard.

 

So, if you feel that the memories of your experiences with your ex won't be tainted by a short meeting over coffee, then by all means go ahead. I, personally, don't have that strength of character. <--- weenie

[Ebania]

Thanks for your reply. I have to admit... I might have been a bit "in his face" when it all first happened. Not harassment at all, but still, I was always going out the the club he worked at. I would have been there anyway sometimes, but nowhere near that often. And it wasn't appreciated. That's in the past though (almost two years), and I think he does at least to some extent understand that I had problems outside of the whole situation, that were affecting me badly at the time.

 

Exactly this time last year he was indicating (by SMS) how much he wanted to see me again, but in the weeks that followed, getting him to commit to a time and place was too difficult.

 

I guess I might just leave it, and not contact him. As much as I would love to catch up with him again, me initiating it would probably be taken the wrong way (and he can tend to take things the wrong way actually). Thing is though... I am always going to want to catch up, so will always be hoping that one day we just happen to walk down the same street. Not a likely scenario though I'm afraid.

[slubberdegullion]

It seems as if you have answered your own question, especially given his predisposition to take thing the wrong way.

 

It's never easy, by the way. Maintaining NC is difficult, especially when life circumstances have you down or feeling battered and bruised. There's a yearning, at least for me, to reach into the past for succour.

 

But if you can get through that feeling of wanting to hear his voice or see his face again - and from what I see, you certainly have the strength to do that - you will both be better off.

 

And who knows? Maybe, in good time, you will bump into each other again, but the meeting will be one of joyful rememberance and smiles and laughter, instead of frustration and tears and irritation.

 

Good luck!

[Ebania]

Yeah, I am going to leave it.

 

I am being totally honest though when I say I have totally gotten to a point where coffee or the like would be sensible and pleasant... not begging or pleading or asking for us to try again etc... that's why I think it's such a shame that it can't be done. Also, I don't know how long it will take me to get past that fact that he was the one doing all the asking at one point. I guess I can't read anything into that - except that it's something I wouldn't say to anyone else if I didn't mean it.

 

Anyway, thanks again. Was ok giving him a thought at Christmas... will try to put him out of my mind. Chances are I won't be seeing him again anyway.