JUSTME3 Posted January 2, 2006 Share Posted January 2, 2006 I had a very bad breakup about a year ago and I am very determined not to fall in love with the wrong person again. I have been a serial monoamous my entire life and basicly been in 4 relationships and only months between each one. I have always been a "respectful" women in the sense that I do not get intimate with anyone unless it is special and it usually takes a man months to get me. That said it has been a year since I slept with my ex and to be honest the lack of intimacy is driving me crazy. I am dating and I am smart enough to know not to sleep with any potential boyfriends until I have garnered their respect. It is very very hard to keep saying no when my body is craving so much more. I am considering to just get a shag buddy. Someone I meet from one of the intimate internet sights for a sex toy. I am a VERY sexual women and I feel that I could interview so to speak to make sure I get a man who is capable of my level of appetite. My questions are thus: Do you think if I did this that it would be wrong to always keep this a secret in my past from my future boyfriend? Do you think it is possible to do this sort of thing for a woman and not get attached? Do you think this would mess with my brain? Link to post Share on other sites
Neptune Posted January 2, 2006 Share Posted January 2, 2006 Quote JUSTME3 I have been a serial monoamous my entire life and basicly been in 4 relationships and only months between each one. I have always been a "respectful" women in the sense that I do not get intimate with anyone unless it is special and it usually takes a man months to get me. My opinion is this shag concept is too great a departure from your personality. Also, I recommend that you avoid this entirely. There are other reasons for concern beyond just getting emotionally involved with someone. Bear in mind STD`s just for starters. But, it is too easy to get linked up with any kind of freakazoid on the planet by doing what you suggest. Link to post Share on other sites
slubberdegullion Posted January 2, 2006 Share Posted January 2, 2006 So you miss sex. Nothing wrong with that. We all do, at some point. Do you think if I did this that it would be wrong to always keep this a secret in my past from my future boyfriend?Always? Few generalizations like this have any value. But if your future relationship is a strong one, based on understanding, love, grace and character, you shouldn't need to keep it a secret. Do you think it is possible to do this sort of thing for a woman and not get attached? Male here, so I can't really speak for that specifically. It seems to be easier for a male to separate his feelings from sex, and some women are similar in that regard. It all depends on you. Do you think this would mess with my brain?Maybe not your brain, but it might make a stain on the sheets. But seriously folks, again this depends what "head-space" you are in, and whether or not you can separate sex from the feelings of intimacy. Unless I miss my guess - and, granted, I've been wrong before - it seems that though you miss the physical aspect of lovemaking, you may be looking for more of an emotional intimacy than a physical one. And if that's the case, a f*ck-buddy relationship is probably not the way to go. However, if your situation is such that you just want to get off with a sexually dynamic partner, call me at 88X-9XXX... Link to post Share on other sites
Gold Pile Posted January 2, 2006 Share Posted January 2, 2006 I tried it. She and I agreed it was just a FB deal no love. Turned out she wanted to be loved in bed the same way one would love the love of his life. After being too cold our 1st time, I gave her what she wanted the next 2 times. Great fun, but the feelings did start developing after that. If both partners really want the same thing, then it can work. But it's a minefield. Link to post Share on other sites
JS17 Posted January 2, 2006 Share Posted January 2, 2006 I am similar to you and I recently toyed with the same question after being pressured by a friend and former lover for a renewed casual relationship, my only ever casual sexual relationship in the past. I got some advice via PM and I hope the person that advised me doesn't mind my sharing. Here are some bits and pieces of what helped me to make my decision. "It helps to already have the capacity to separate your emotions from your sexuality but if you don't then it requires the same amount of mental reminding. Constant reminders, and you have to only let yourself get to a certain point. Its very, very hard to do. I would not suggest it if you are in a vulnerable position, or if you are doing this to fill a void. Sometimes it is all too easy to become dependent on what fills those voids, even despite the best efforts to not have it turn that way. Protect your heart in this - think it through carefully. Choosing to fall in love is easy. Choosing not to is very hard." Everyone is different, nobody can tell you if you can have sex without getting attached. My guess is that you can't but attachment doesn't mean love. You can become attached and it will hurt a bit when they leave but when there is no love and caring it is easier to move on and it doesn't hurt the way a breakup does. Will it mess with your head? Probably but it's a choice you have to make. I don't think it does the damage a relationship does but if you view it as something you are trying, an experience then there shouldn't be any guilt which will lead to a lot less damage. Be true to yourself and don't worry about what future boyfriends will think of you. Everybody has a past, it's not for them to sit in judgement of you. Link to post Share on other sites
Lishy Posted January 2, 2006 Share Posted January 2, 2006 My advice is this ....... DON'T DO IT!!!!!!!!!! I was you 6 months ago .... I thought I missed sex but it wasnt just sex, I missed the closeness, the cuddles the feeling of security! I found all of that with a FWB and BOOM I got feelings for him! I told him in the nd as I couldnt take it anymore and he told me that he wasnt interested in a full on relationship! SO Hey ho I got my heart broken and it was MY fault! I went into it with my eyes wide open and really thought it was what i wanted. I must say I leaned alot about myself as I have never had a one night stand! I know I can't seperate sex and feelings and you should really think wether you can before you get into this!!!!!!!!! Good luck Ps ...... http://www.annesummers.com - I recommend the pulsatron Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted January 2, 2006 Share Posted January 2, 2006 I had 3 shag buddies at one time and all 3 of them caught feelings. Even the one I least expected to. It can be fun but there are usually some complications. Link to post Share on other sites
Lishy Posted January 2, 2006 Share Posted January 2, 2006 Here is a tip for a guy with a shag bud! DONT cuddle too much and make things romantic, keep it about the sex - It gives girls the wrong impression and screws their heads up! The End Link to post Share on other sites
Author JUSTME3 Posted January 4, 2006 Author Share Posted January 4, 2006 Thank you everyone for your advise especially Lishy. Lishy after reading all your posts about the pain you have gone through it really hit home that I am not capable nor are most women of having a shag buddy. I think I was deluding myself that it is the sex that I miss. I think I miss the intimacy that I had which of course included the sex. I am dating one guy that might just have potential. I am going to continue to just be patient and wait till it is right. Thanks again everyone for helping me make the right decision and saving me from alot of heart ache. Link to post Share on other sites
slubberdegullion Posted January 4, 2006 Share Posted January 4, 2006 You can do worse than listening to Lishy. She's got her head screwed on just right. Link to post Share on other sites
Lishy Posted January 4, 2006 Share Posted January 4, 2006 JUSTME you are so welcome and I am glad that you have decided to spare yourself the heartache - Your past love life sounds like mine and I think you would end up hurt like I am! Good choice hon And Slub you are the sweetest thank you!!!!!!! :) Link to post Share on other sites
MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted January 4, 2006 Share Posted January 4, 2006 Thank you everyone for your advise especially Lishy. Lishy after reading all your posts about the pain you have gone through it really hit home that I am not capable nor are most women of having a shag buddy. I think I was deluding myself that it is the sex that I miss. I think I miss the intimacy that I had which of course included the sex. I am dating one guy that might just have potential. I am going to continue to just be patient and wait till it is right. Thanks again everyone for helping me make the right decision and saving me from alot of heart ache. I am currently getting out of a FWB deal as well. You are right, it isn't the sex we miss, it's the intimacy and being made to feel special to someone....the attention. My sex toy and I never went out on a real date, and I miss that as much as the sex. But in my situation, a date usually leads to sex as I have little self control, unlike you as you said in your original post, but I am working on it. Link to post Share on other sites
slubberdegullion Posted January 4, 2006 Share Posted January 4, 2006 ...in my situation, a date usually leads to sex as I have little self control... Busy tonight? Link to post Share on other sites
Lishy Posted January 4, 2006 Share Posted January 4, 2006 Busy tonight? :lmao: :lmao: :lmao: Link to post Share on other sites
It's all good Posted January 4, 2006 Share Posted January 4, 2006 why can't it be just about sex. there are plenty of guys who want the very same thing. If you decided it was just a sex thing and not a yearning for love isn't a shag buddy a good idea? Link to post Share on other sites
MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted January 4, 2006 Share Posted January 4, 2006 why can't it be just about sex. there are plenty of guys who want the very same thing. If you decided it was just a sex thing and not a yearning for love isn't a shag buddy a good idea? It is okay if you are both on the same page and STAY on the same page. It's not for everyone, especially not for someone like me who has more emotional needs. No matter how hard I would try to keep my heart out of it, my feelings would grow, an attachment would develop, and I will (and have) get hurt. Slubber, I'm old enough to be your ...uh...big sister! Link to post Share on other sites
Lishy Posted January 4, 2006 Share Posted January 4, 2006 If 2 people literally just want sex and there is no emtion involved and they are both happy with that, then a FWB is a GREAT idea! Not for me though - I take sex too seriously and my feelings get involved and the OP has the same problem! Link to post Share on other sites
It's all good Posted January 4, 2006 Share Posted January 4, 2006 Is it possible to have sex with no emotions, but still have it be good sex?? I like to think there is. But that's just me thinking! Link to post Share on other sites
Lishy Posted January 4, 2006 Share Posted January 4, 2006 Not for me there wouldnt be - I couldnt think of anything worse then just getting banged and then getting dressed and going home No-Sir-Eeeeee Link to post Share on other sites
slubberdegullion Posted January 4, 2006 Share Posted January 4, 2006 I guess it all depends on how you manage the expectations. There was a time when I completely separated my emotions from sex, and the sex was still great (well, usually anyway... sex is like pizza, even when it's mediocre it's still pretty good ). But since locking up the "player" in me and throwing away the key, I see it much differently now. Not better or worse, just different. Strangely, I had a wonderfully emotional sexual experience recently, but shortly thereafter milady let it be known that our budding relationship was over. While I can't say I was completely crushed - we hadn't known each other for ver long - it hurt in a way that I haven't experienced in a long, long time. (I've posted about this before, but cannot seem to find the link right now.) Link to post Share on other sites
MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted January 4, 2006 Share Posted January 4, 2006 Not once in the last three months did I feel good about myself leaving his place afterward. Link to post Share on other sites
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