PinkFriday Posted August 11 Share Posted August 11 My husband and I have been together for 15 years, married for 10 years. We have a lovely 7 yo daughter. My husband is generally a wonderful person. His only problems were: 1. He has erectile dysfunction. For years he refused to take medication so he made me feel horrible during sex. He would bite me so I would scream and that would arouse him. He also required a bj to get aroused. But he was unhygienic and his d*** smelled so bad. His body and breath smelles bad too, so I felt defiled during sex. He always blamed me for not being able to sustain erection because I looked unwilling. I always gave in so as not to ruin our weekend. After many years, he finally agreed to see a doctor and get ED medication. But by then I had built a lot of resentments and just went through with the motion during sex. With the ED medication, he took very long to come and the sex was just torturing for me. I put up with it because my biological clock was ticking and I wanted to conceive. 2. In 2017, we were blessed with the most beautiful baby girl. But my resentment towards him grew because the bulk of child-rearing fell on my shoulder. Now our daughter is in elementary school and the bulk of tutoring her also fell on me. We are both working full-time but his job is more demanding. I earn more and contribute more to our household expenses. Instead of ending my marriage amid my resentments, I did something cowardly - I had an affair. My affair partner, C, is 12 years younger than me. Perhaps this "f***sh" due to our age difference makes our sex really amazing. And it's still amazing after 2 years. I lost about 8kg or 17 pounds after I met C and I felt beautiful again. C was also my lifeline because I felt empty since I gave birth and felt there was nothing to look forward in life. C loves me a lot and he had been consistent with me for the past 2 years. He's also my business partner, so the connection and chemistry are unparalleled. I wanted to get a divorce many times to be with C but I did not have the courage to. My husband has low self-esteem and has no friend. He's also very unhappy about his job. He keeps telling me he doesn't have anyone to talk to except me. I also felt indebted to him. Years ago he encouraged me to quit my stressful job and supported me financially until I got a new job. He also slept in the living room because he snored and wanted me to have a good sleep. For years I wanted a 2nd child. I felt baby envy whenever my friends got pregnant. But I stopped having sex with my husband after I conceived my firstborn. I just could not tolerate the sex anymore. Because I wanted a 2nd child so badly and to have courage to divorce my husband, I got myself pregnant with C's child. I was so happy the day I found out I was pregnant that I cried and donated $1000 to children's cancer society. I'm not sure if it's due to hormones, the next day my feeling took a drastic turn. I was afraid my husband will fall into depression that I thought of aborting the child and leave both C and my husband and just relocate to a countryside and live a peaceful quiet life. C cried and decided to tell my dad about my pregnancy and promised him he would be a good husband to me. He begs me everyday not to get rid of the baby. I am very stressed and really lost on what to do. I think I suddenly got sick of my life story and just want to detoxify from everything and start over and live a simple life. But I'm feeling really tormented about this whole situation. I hope the people here would be compassionate. I know I brought all these problems to myself. But I'm really losing my bearing now. I'm in a very dark place now and hope someone could help shed a bit of light. Thank you. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted August 11 Share Posted August 11 You have got to be honest with your husband, about everything. Now. It is obvious that you need to end the marriage, and it will probably end now anyway. I doubt your husband will want to stay married after all of this. Please be prepared for the possibillity that you and C won't work out, either. Affairs don't often transition well to real relationships, especially with this degree of turmoil and this many complications. I would urge you to contact a therapist as soon as possible to help you navigate what is coming. Obviously this is not possible: 1 hour ago, PinkFriday said: just want to detoxify from everything and start over and live a simple life. It's not going to go that way, but you can chart a better path for yourself moving forward. It will start by being honest and taking accountabliltiy for your choices. It will be hard and your life is going to change a lot. It will be rough before it gets better. But you don't have much choice but to ride these waves and start a new chapter. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gebidozo Posted August 11 Share Posted August 11 1) Tell your husband everything you wrote here. Make a full confession and show remorse. 2) Separate from your husband and start a divorce procedure. 3) Don’t abort the child. You wanted it so much, you’ll be devastated if you lose it. You can’t be your husband’s lifeline to happiness, Your marriage has been dead for a long time anyway. 4) Take some time off and decide whether you want your relationship with C to work out. If so, try to make it work. He seems like a decent person. Link to post Share on other sites
semble Posted August 11 Share Posted August 11 Not sure about staying with the other man, and what you do about the baby is going to be a difficult decision that no one here can tell you to make, but one thing is certain. There is no possibility of a happy ending and a satisfying life if you stay with your husband. Link to post Share on other sites
Author PinkFriday Posted August 11 Author Share Posted August 11 What would you say is a satisfying life? Link to post Share on other sites
happyhorizons Posted August 11 Share Posted August 11 How far along are you in your pregnancy? Link to post Share on other sites
Gebidozo Posted August 11 Share Posted August 11 3 hours ago, PinkFriday said: What would you say is a satisfying life? For starters, life with someone whom you love and respect and who loves and respects you. Since those things are absent in your marriage, most people here would probably advise you to terminate it. Link to post Share on other sites
tzorno Posted August 11 Share Posted August 11 I was feeling sorry for you up to the point that you had an affair. Now I feel sorry for your husband. You are right about something though, you are a coward and the only reason you want to runaway and start over is because your running from your guilt. I'm sorry, but you'll get no sympathy from me. Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted August 11 Share Posted August 11 Start getting honest. tell your husband d the whole truth! Let everyone know the baby belongs to C and make plans to raise the baby yourself. you did this purposely. Divorce your husband and figure out how to stop hurting people with your choices. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted August 11 Share Posted August 11 16 hours ago, PinkFriday said: I wanted to get a divorce many times to be with C but I did not have the courage to. In your previous thread your affair partner was married. Is he no longer married? 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted August 11 Share Posted August 11 51 minutes ago, basil67 said: In your previous thread your affair partner was married. Is he no longer married? In the thread prior to that, the OP wasn't married either. Ah. The mysteried. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted August 11 Share Posted August 11 30 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said: In the thread prior to that, the OP wasn't married either. Ah. The mysteried. The great disappearing husband/boyfriend mystery. 😮 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author PinkFriday Posted August 11 Author Share Posted August 11 36 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said: 1 hour ago, basil67 said: In your previous thread your affair partner was married. Is he no longer married? In the thread prior to that, the OP wasn't married either. Ah. The mysteried I was married. The guy in the post was a mentor at work old enough to be my grandfather. I respected him a lot for his intelligence. I felt excluded that he would rather hang out with a younger prettier colleague. But turned out he liked that colleague although she was also young enough to be his granddaughter. She ended up quitting the job. Link to post Share on other sites
Author PinkFriday Posted August 11 Author Share Posted August 11 1 hour ago, basil67 said: In your previous thread your affair partner was married. Is he no longer married? They divorced. Link to post Share on other sites
Author PinkFriday Posted August 11 Author Share Posted August 11 7 hours ago, tzorno said: . I'm sorry, but you'll get no sympathy from me. Not looking for sympathy. Looking to atone to my husband, thinking I would give him my share of the house in divorce. Also looking to navigate the pregnancy situation. Link to post Share on other sites
MsJayne Posted August 12 Share Posted August 12 Maybe it's time to be honest with your husband. Having sex with someone who repulses you is, as you say, a form of torture. His lack of personal hygiene is disgusting and that's on him, because who doesn't know that bad breath and other unpleasant body odours are passion killers? Don't feel guilty about potentially hurting your husband's feelings, focus on what his selfish and inconsiderate behaviour has been doing to you. No one on here can tell you what to do about the pregnancy, but maybe consider the fact that you knowingly conceived because you wanted another child and let that guide you to the right decision. Is it possible that the reason you deliberately became pregnant to your AP was that somewhere inside yourself you knew it would force you to make a choice about your life? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author PinkFriday Posted August 12 Author Share Posted August 12 (edited) 40 minutes ago, MsJayne said: . Is it possible that the reason you deliberately became pregnant to your AP was that somewhere inside yourself you knew it would force you to make a choice about your life? Yes, it would give me the courage to get a divorce. As I mentioned before I realised I'm a coward immature person. This is not the right way. Even now with the pregnancy I'm still a coward. I feel like I'm not a human being, sacrificing the life of my unborn child for my selfish happiness? But thanks for prompting me to type this. It's time I take responsibility for my action. How can I make an innocent baby pay for my mistake and hurt him/her? Edited August 12 by PinkFriday Link to post Share on other sites
Gebidozo Posted August 12 Share Posted August 12 14 minutes ago, PinkFriday said: I feel like I'm not a human being, sacrificing the life of my unborn child for my selfish happiness? Don’t be so harsh on yourself. If you want the child and if aborting it is against your moral principles, then keep it. Don’t beat yourself up just because you were considering aborting it at some point. Link to post Share on other sites
MsJayne Posted August 12 Share Posted August 12 6 hours ago, PinkFriday said: Yes, it would give me the courage to get a divorce. As I mentioned before I realised I'm a coward immature person. This is not the right way. Even now with the pregnancy I'm still a coward. I feel like I'm not a human being, sacrificing the life of my unborn child for my selfish happiness? But thanks for prompting me to type this. It's time I take responsibility for my action. How can I make an innocent baby pay for my mistake and hurt him/her? Stop beating yourself up. Low self-esteem and unhappiness makes people do unwise things. If you can see yourself somewhere quiet and peaceful raising your children then that's what you should start aiming for. First step coming clean with your husband? Link to post Share on other sites
Author PinkFriday Posted August 12 Author Share Posted August 12 1 hour ago, MsJayne said: First step coming clean with your husband? Is it better to tell him or spare him until the divorce is finalised? Link to post Share on other sites
MsJayne Posted August 12 Share Posted August 12 2 minutes ago, PinkFriday said: Is it better to tell him or spare him until the divorce is finalised? I think I'd try keep him on-side until the divorce drama is over. Not that he deserves to be deceived, but maybe one bombshell is enough for the time being. Certainly don't put him in a position where he ends up paying child support for a baby which isn't his. Does your AP's wife, (ex wife? I'm a bit confused), know about the affair? And how does AP feel about a baby on the way? Link to post Share on other sites
Author PinkFriday Posted August 12 Author Share Posted August 12 1 hour ago, MsJayne said: Certainly don't put him in a position where he ends up paying child support for a baby which isn't his. I wouldn't do that. In fact I'm thinking of giving him my half share of the house just to atone for what I did. With that share of the house he could quit his stressful job and live from rental revenue. Link to post Share on other sites
Author PinkFriday Posted August 12 Author Share Posted August 12 1 hour ago, MsJayne said: Does your AP's wife, (ex wife? I'm a bit confused), know about the affair? And how does AP feel about a baby on the way? His ex-wife had her suspicion but never fully confirmed. AP (C) had wanted a baby from day 1 (2 years ago) but he was still married then so I did not allow it. He panicked after I told him about considering abortion. So he texted my dad to tell him about our relationship and the baby. (My dad was the one who introduced him to me as a client but he had no idea about our relationship until that text from C). I am also under a lot of stress dealing with my dad's liver cancer recurrence. My dad is the love of my life (my mom is toxic) and my business partner and the thought of losing my dad is so soul-crushing. C makes me feel less alone in this business (he's my top salesperson). Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted August 12 Share Posted August 12 You would benefit from therapy. You seem to be very enmeshed in crisis seeking behavior and also have no personal boundaries in any area of your life. If you feel like you enjoy all this drama, carry on, but after a while you will have nothing. Link to post Share on other sites
happyhorizons Posted August 12 Share Posted August 12 How far along in the pregnancy are you OP? I am just wondering if your H is suspicious and if it has become obvious that you are pregnant. Link to post Share on other sites
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