Author PinkFriday Posted August 12 Author Share Posted August 12 34 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said: you feel like you enjoy all this drama, carry on No, I'm falling sick from all these. I want it all to stop. Thank you for pointing out that I have no personal boundaries. I will take note of that. 7 minutes ago, happyhorizons said: How far along in the pregnancy are you OP? Only 4 weeks. Link to post Share on other sites
happyhorizons Posted August 12 Share Posted August 12 Your health and the well being of your baby HAVE TO BE of the utmost importance right now. So, please take care of yourself emotionally and physically. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted August 12 Share Posted August 12 4 hours ago, PinkFriday said: Is it better to tell him or spare him until the divorce is finalised? How would you manage that when you are pregnant? Assuming you keep the baby, don't you think your husband is going to start connecting the dots before the divorce is finalized? Link to post Share on other sites
ShyViolet Posted August 12 Share Posted August 12 On 8/11/2024 at 2:17 AM, Gebidozo said: 3) Don’t abort the child. You wanted it so much, you’ll be devastated if you lose it. It is not ever your place to tell a woman this. Only she can decide what choice is right for her when it comes to this. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author PinkFriday Posted August 12 Author Share Posted August 12 1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said: How would you manage that when you are pregnant? Assuming you keep the baby, don't you think your husband is going to start connecting the dots before the divorce is finalized? I have no idea. All I know is I'm still too timid to even bring up divorce. I did bring it up once a few days ago. Suddenly, all the wonderful memories between us flooded my mind and I cried a river. The next day he told me to just pretend nothing has been said. Link to post Share on other sites
Author PinkFriday Posted August 12 Author Share Posted August 12 28 minutes ago, ShyViolet said: It is not ever your place to tell a woman this. Only she can decide what choice is right for her when it comes to this. I agree but I appreciate his/her well-intention and concern. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted August 12 Share Posted August 12 8 hours ago, PinkFriday said: Is it better to tell him or spare him until the divorce is finalised? It's better to tell him because that will help him accept the divorce once he finds out you're carrrying a baby that isn't his. He will probably be glad to let you go and will appreciate you telling him the truth about the child. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted August 12 Share Posted August 12 2 hours ago, PinkFriday said: Suddenly, all the wonderful memories between us flooded my mind and I cried a river. But you've outlined nothing but resentment towards your husband. His ED and terrible personal hygiene where he made you have oral sex on him without showing enough respect to shower first. You complain how you wanted a baby but when you had her he didn't help you even though you were a stay at home mom. You complained that even after you returned to work he didn't help you, help your daughter with her homework. On 8/11/2024 at 12:39 AM, PinkFriday said: I wanted to get a divorce many times to be with C but I did not have the courage to. Even here you say you wanted to divorce him many times to be with your affair partner and probably if your affair partner wanted you that way, you would have divorced. But that would never happen because 9 times out of 10 a MM will not divorce his wife for an affair partner and even if he leaves his wife studies show they rarely get with the affair partner, but someone new. They don't want to be reminded of their sordid past and what led to their divorce, so they start anew. You're getting all you're going to get from MM and it too will start to dwindle more and more with time. Link to post Share on other sites
MsJayne Posted August 12 Share Posted August 12 9 hours ago, PinkFriday said: His ex-wife had her suspicion but never fully confirmed. AP (C) had wanted a baby from day 1 (2 years ago) but he was still married then so I did not allow it. He panicked after I told him about considering abortion. So he texted my dad to tell him about our relationship and the baby. (My dad was the one who introduced him to me as a client but he had no idea about our relationship until that text from C). I am also under a lot of stress dealing with my dad's liver cancer recurrence. My dad is the love of my life (my mom is toxic) and my business partner and the thought of losing my dad is so soul-crushing. C makes me feel less alone in this business (he's my top salesperson). So has you Dad's illness made you ponder mortality and life in general? For an outsider the answer is fairly easy, you're unhappy in your marriage, you have a child on the way which is the child of someone you love, you own half a property which is a ticket to freedom. Handing over your half of a divorce settlement because you feel guilty would be a very bad move because money can't buy forgiveness, and also because you're going to need that money to put a roof over your kids heads. Further down the track you'd kick yourself for doing it unless you have a big income and don't actually need that money to start a new life. Why did C tell your father about the relationship and the pregnancy? Desperation or treachery? Link to post Share on other sites
Author PinkFriday Posted August 13 Author Share Posted August 13 4 hours ago, MsJayne said: So has you Dad's illness made you ponder mortality and life in general? For an outsider the answer is fairly easy, you're unhappy in your marriage, you have a child on the way which is the child of someone you love, you own half a property which is a ticket to freedom. Handing over your half of a divorce settlement because you feel guilty would be a very bad move because money can't buy forgiveness, and also because you're going to need that money to put a roof over your kids heads. Further down the track you'd kick yourself for doing it unless you have a big income and don't actually need that money to start a new life. Why did C tell your father about the relationship and the pregnancy? Desperation or treachery? Firstly, thank you for your questions. They help me to think. My dad's illness amplifies the fear of being alone. I fear leaving my hubby because my marriage is a familiar and comfort zone. He never touched me anymore, so it's just sexless. But C is my business comfort zone. Because he's my top salesperson. I earn a lot of respects in the industry because of C. With C, I have an amazing sex life. But I'm already in my 40s, I might lose my sex drive in my 50s. C is also 12 years younger than me. I have this fear that C might leave me for a younger woman in the future. So I'm struggling with anxious attachment, low self-esteem, fear of abandonment, fear of being alone. I'm guessing my husband and I are two low-value individuals leaning on each other out of fear of being alone. I think C told my dad because he feared I would abort the child. He had wanted a child together with me since day 1. Because in his mind, it would make me leave my husband and marry him. And I decided to have a child (besides I love C) to give me strength to leave my husband. I'm not sure if it's the hormones, I suddenly hate C and the child. And I want to run away from everything. I don't need to divorce because my husband and I are living like mere housemates anyway and raising our daughter together. It's like I want to be free of all ATTACHMENTS. If I don't feel attached to my dad I would not feel pain when he's gone. I want to close the business and leave in a countryside because the attachment to my business is making me attached to C. If I feel attached to C, I would feel pain when he leaves me one day. If I have a baby, I would be attached to the baby. I want to run away from it all. Link to post Share on other sites
Gebidozo Posted August 13 Share Posted August 13 11 hours ago, ShyViolet said: It is not ever your place to tell a woman this. Only she can decide what choice is right for her when it comes to this. Yes, but she wanted advice and opinion, and this is mine. We tell people “break up with your partner!” all the time here. Obviously we understand that it’s not our decision, but we still give such advices. Same here. Link to post Share on other sites
Author PinkFriday Posted August 13 Author Share Posted August 13 1 hour ago, Gebidozo said: Yes, but she wanted advice and opinion, and this is mine Much appreciated. Link to post Share on other sites
Author PinkFriday Posted August 13 Author Share Posted August 13 5 hours ago, MsJayne said: money can't buy forgiveness Just to add, not trying to buy forgiveness.. more of giving him a softer landing. Link to post Share on other sites
MsJayne Posted August 13 Share Posted August 13 4 hours ago, PinkFriday said: Firstly, thank you for your questions. They help me to think. My dad's illness amplifies the fear of being alone. I fear leaving my hubby because my marriage is a familiar and comfort zone. He never touched me anymore, so it's just sexless. But C is my business comfort zone. Because he's my top salesperson. I earn a lot of respects in the industry because of C. With C, I have an amazing sex life. But I'm already in my 40s, I might lose my sex drive in my 50s. C is also 12 years younger than me. I have this fear that C might leave me for a younger woman in the future. So I'm struggling with anxious attachment, low self-esteem, fear of abandonment, fear of being alone. I'm guessing my husband and I are two low-value individuals leaning on each other out of fear of being alone. I think C told my dad because he feared I would abort the child. He had wanted a child together with me since day 1. Because in his mind, it would make me leave my husband and marry him. And I decided to have a child (besides I love C) to give me strength to leave my husband. I'm not sure if it's the hormones, I suddenly hate C and the child. And I want to run away from everything. I don't need to divorce because my husband and I are living like mere housemates anyway and raising our daughter together. It's like I want to be free of all ATTACHMENTS. If I don't feel attached to my dad I would not feel pain when he's gone. I want to close the business and leave in a countryside because the attachment to my business is making me attached to C. If I feel attached to C, I would feel pain when he leaves me one day. If I have a baby, I would be attached to the baby. I want to run away from it all. It sounds like you're all over the place and not sure what you want, (a place in the country with C by your side and a guarantee that he'll never leave?). With that in mind I suggest you enlist some support from a counsellor because you need to unpack what's happening and make decisions in a non-judgmental environment. A counsellor will help you make sense of things and give you some insight into how you've found yourself in this situation. Unloading everything to a stranger can be very therapeutic, and with a clearer head you'll be more capable of making whatever choice is best for you. At the moment you're probably ruminating constantly and that's stopping you from moving forward, and, with a baby involved, you don't really have time on your side. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted August 13 Share Posted August 13 Look OP, the likelihood that you and C will wind up together as a family is very, very slim. Please understand that. Understand also that he could make your life a living hell. I would not put it past him to tell your husband everything. He already crossed a serious boundary by tattling to your father (inappropriate on so many levels) You best prepare yourself for him to take that further and tell your husband. Don't be naive enough to think that will never happen. Also, what are you going to work work-wise if you and C turn sour and he leaves you high and dry professionally? Moves on to another employer? Tells other coworkers or customers what has been happening? Whatever you decide to do with this baby, your marriage is doomed. Why? Well, if you keep it, it's obvious your husband will know it is not his. And if you don't? Your husband will figure out something is wrong with you after your appointment to terminate, given the emotional and physical complications that often follow. It's time to start living your life honestly. The comfort zone of your marriage no longer exists, because this is a secret that is going to come out. Link to post Share on other sites
Author PinkFriday Posted August 13 Author Share Posted August 13 49 minutes ago, MsJayne said: It sounds like you're all over the place and not sure what you want, (a place in the country with C by your side and a guarantee that he'll never leave?). With that in mind I suggest you enlist some support from a counsellor because you need to unpack what's happening and make decisions in a non-judgmental environment. A counsellor will help you make sense of things and give you some insight into how you've found yourself in this situation. Unloading everything to a stranger can be very therapeutic, and with a clearer head you'll be more capable of making whatever choice is best for you. At the moment you're probably ruminating constantly and that's stopping you from moving forward, and, with a baby involved, you don't really have time on your side. Thanks, I have booked an appointment with a clinical psychologist on Aug 22nd. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted August 13 Share Posted August 13 What would it look like if you weren’t making decisions based on fear? Link to post Share on other sites
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