A complicated firendship .

[justwannagivelove]

Hi there to all of you, this is my first time posting here so feel free to adjust my own presentation

this is what i believe the most complicated thing i have ever lived with a female friend, to whom i believe i have been starting to feel all this emotions .. and i cant take it ...
I got to know Linda 9 months ago, i met her on a dating site, thing is.. i was still in a couple ... things werent going well and the whole thing ended 3 months ago ...

Linda and i connected from the get go, we come from the same country and as a coincidence she made part of a dance group that i also frequented but not in the same period.

We got to talk everyday for about a week before she asked me if a was married, so i told her the truth, i told her i was still in couple, and that things werent working because my ex had big drinking problems (wich is true) 

She didnt make a big deal out of it, she was very concerned by that fact coz the father of her kids also had and still has drinking problems
so she and i connected even better after sharing all that information.

Days went by and we couldnt stop talking, everynight and day .. my heart just pumps by writing these words...
Things got a little sexual sometime... we would tell eachother real sexy stuff without going on a dirty way
coz i never felt i would talk to her that way and i know she wouldnt either.. so we limited ourselves to sexy talk and we loved it
we laughed, we sent ourselves audios, i just loved her delicate voice the first time i heard it...
that whole thing went around for 3 months, and finally we got to meet for the first time
we met at the restaurant, took a couple of drinks, talk, laughed, i didnt expect any sex out of it, and i was okay with that coz i just loved looking at her smile
every time i used to joke around, and i didnt wan to do the wrong move to scare her away... i just fell so good that first day, and i know she did
coz we met a second time to have dinner, and so on we kept going out dancing and having fun, everytime it was getting better
she was clear with me, she knew i had couple problems but she wasnt going to take any advantages out of it.
And i respected it all the way.

One day i was at the restaurant with her and she told me, very strongly that a relation with a man startswith the truth and that nothinng was better but to start by a friendship
i agreed all the way, i thought that things were going so well that eventually when my divorce is done we would come to something serious

so the dates kept going going to eat and dance.. you have no idea the way we eye connect everytime, and i just love the way it is
its like pushing the desires to their max ...

But then like two or three weeks after that, she told me that her ex wanted to go back with her but she didnt have nothing to do with him
i did not have any negative reaction to it, i told her that she had the right to choose whats the best for her
and i was always gonna be there for her and listen to her...
even if i was feeling very sad about it...even if she said she didnt want the guy back... he was still talking to her again,,, and i got scared...

So i decided to think about myself and my happiness... bought a trip to florida and told my ex (wife at that time) that i needed sometime to be alone
on the other hand i felt Linda was taking hers distances...left read messages...no answers... being online for long hours and not answering me
i gotta say, it got me bad.

So one day , 2 weeks before the trip i left her a big audio about my intentions to go to a trip alone and the reasons why
expecting for her to understanding it very well.

She actually never answered that audio, and two days after, she texted me like nothing happened, so i didnt really bring back that conversation coz i thought maybe she was feeling a little awkward on that case...

We kept the talk here and there for those two weeks, do the day before my trip i reminded her about the trip, and then the very bad surprise:
she never got the audio ... telling me that we were going to have a big talk after vacations because i had to get gorgiven of hiding that trip to her
she was sarcastic but very serious in the mean time...

The day after i texted her from florida and ask her how she was going, she told me to not worry about her, to have some time for me
and that we were going to meet again after my trip ... so i was like ..okay ... we will talk when i get back...
two days after i was walking by the beach and saw some really beautiful flowers that i kinda caress with my hand and send the picture to her...
to what she send a big 5 minutes audio..:
telling me that it was better for each of us to take some distances... that she has no idea what im doing in florida...if i was there with wife or some other girl..
she said that she thinks i gotta take care of my life issues and she doesnt wanna be on the way ...
i was shoked... and i cried like a baby fo two days... i hated my self that whole week and i wished i would go back in time and not buy that trip
coz all that wouldnt have happened...
I sent her a big audio too, telling her that i was sorry for that missunderstanding but still swearing to god i told her before about that trip on that audio two weeks before, i told her that i was going to miss her and hoping that we get to talk soon when she forgives me...

those 10 days were long, i had no fun at all, i felt like an idiot, i just wanted to be back home
i would do long walks on the beach just thinking of her...

took me one week to write back to her after i came back, just saying hi...
she answered the same day, asking me how it went, i told her it was a good trip..even if it wasnt.

We started chating slowly again until everything came back the normal way.
2 weeks after that trip i took the decision to breakup with my wife (we werent married) 
moved to another appartment asap.
When i told Linda the news she seemed very glad and told me that i deserved to be happy
and i took the best decision.

One night we started texting each other and we decided we were going to have some drinks online, we got a bit happy
with the drinks but not drunk, always limiting ourselves to telling very nce things to each other but respecting the limits
and i was happy again.

But since she wasnt really receptive to my messages for a while, i decided to act the same
kinda ignore her... for hours...days .... did it work ? well, she wrote back to me saying on joke that i was forgetting about her
that shw was asking herself if i was having an affair with a new girlfirned...
it all ended in normal laughs , but every nice message from me deserved a heart...
she puts comments on my pictures, asking «who am i getting so hot for»
all that said ... its always a joke...but always related to me trying to find other women ...
she sounds shocked...and laughs about it ...

So one day , having a normal conversation with her, she tells me that she went out again with her ex
but assuring me that nothing happened...even if she was the one who called him...

I had a very cold reaction to it...«oh well ...» but cut the conversation right there... i got very uncumfortable with that news ... and couldnt take it ..
the day after she texted me saying that from that reaction she assumed it was going to be a goodby for us.. to wcih i said that i just wanted to take my distances
coz i started having feelings for her ... we went on a big conversation about it, from what i understood, she just wants to be friends...

Although, she had told me a thousand times, that with all the bad epxereinces she had, she doesnt wanna be with anybody..
she says she will finish her life alone. She had never said that she doesnt like me as a boyfriend, she just keeps saying that she doesnt want a boyfriend ...

But i am still very confused... 
one day.. i commented a picture of her, really beautiful, but i did it on a real funny way
to what she commented on my comment: «this is why i love you» ...

later that day, i was making jokes about her being also so beautiful on her pictures, saying that she might be looking for man...
to what she said that she rather have many man behind her instead of just one, that way, she just does not fall in love
i told her that many man doesnt bring hapinness... that quality is better than quantity .. 
so on a high funny note she answers «well in that case i rather finish my days alone» typing it in many languages
wich i found very funny, so i laughed and answered her: «thats why i love you» 
to wich she comment with a big red heart ...

i know all this smilies thing is so stupid, but every comment i do, no matter how it is, about her, about me and her, about me missing her
about me thinking of her smile, so much details that i know from her that i always comment to her, she always has a heart in there for me ...
doesnt seem like a woman who doesnt like it ...

we went out again 2 weekends in a row... we went out and dance... and two days after i got to meet her daughter and son ...
she commented me later that day that they really liked me... sounded like she needed an acceptation from them
she was very glad about it, i felt it on her voice... but once i get too romanced on her case..she stops me
always the funny way ... telling me that i might be going too far ...

And its killing me ... coz i really want to be with her ....

 

I am scared of reminding her my feelings again, she could be a very best friend, but sadly...i have feelings for her

and if i tell her again... i might lose her forever ...

 

Edited August 13 by justwannagivelove