Am I too insecure? or should I step up?

[Juan Carlos]

I've been dating my girlfriend since July 2022. At that time, I was working in her town but living in another country, so I would travel back and forth, spending two months in her city and two months in mine. In the beginning, our sex life was very active, and she often complimented me on my moves (I'll refer back to this later).

 

Towards the end of last year, the company I was working for went bankrupt, which left me stuck in my home country, Mexico. This meant I couldn't see her as often since she lives in Estonia. However, she went out of her way to make things work and even helped arrange a special visa for me to be with her. I moved to Estonia with a temporary visa while I searched for a new job. I had some savings, so I was able to support us and never let her down.

 

But since we started living together, our sex life has almost completely disappeared. When I asked her about it, she mentioned that she has never really cared much about sex, which had been an issue in her past relationships. I questioned why our sex life was so active in the beginning, and she admitted she didn’t have an answer for that.

As time passed, our sex life dwindled to about once a month. I lived with her for six months, and now that I’ve got a new job in Estonia, but in another city, I had to move, and she didn’t come with me. We now see each other every two weeks, and while we do have sex when we meet, it’s not as passionate as it was at the start of our relationship. Despite this, she still shows she cares about me, like calling me after she goes out with her friends, even though I never asked her to do this. She also tells me if someone tries to hit on her and how she turns them down. She occasionally compliments me, though not as often as before.

We’ve been together for two years now, but I feel like the passion is gone (is it, or am I being paranoid?). I’m left wondering if this has evolved from passion into love, or if something else is going on.

 

One thing that has made me a bit anxious, which I haven’t addressed with her because I don’t want to seem toxic, is that she recently mentioned wanting to have more male friends in her social circle (most of her friends are women). She even got a ride home from a party with one of these guy friends, and she told me that he asked if we had broken up because I’m not around as much anymore.

I mentioned that it seemed like a strange question for him to ask and that she should be cautious, but she assured me that she knows when a guy is hitting on her, and this wasn’t the case. However, this same guy recently had his engagement called off by his ex-fiancée, and he’s always asking my girlfriend for advice on how to approach girls and things like that. One time, after we had sex, she mentioned feeling sorry for him because of what happened. (I got internally sad that she mentioned him just after 30 minutes of having an orgasm with me) but I don't know if it's okay or not. Was a casual conversation.

 

I don’t know—am I being paranoid about the relationship and this specific guy? Am I being too jealous? Should I talk to her about how I feel about this guy being around? Should I mention that I'm not well with her having guy friends (I don't have many girl friends, just a few and they are all married).

[FredEire]

2 hours ago, Juan Carlos said:

I've been dating my girlfriend since July 2022. At that time, I was working in her town but living in another country, so I would travel back and forth, spending two months in her city and two months in mine. In the beginning, our sex life was very active, and she often complimented me on my moves (I'll refer back to this later).

 

Towards the end of last year, the company I was working for went bankrupt, which left me stuck in my home country, Mexico. This meant I couldn't see her as often since she lives in Estonia. However, she went out of her way to make things work and even helped arrange a special visa for me to be with her. I moved to Estonia with a temporary visa while I searched for a new job. I had some savings, so I was able to support us and never let her down.

 

But since we started living together, our sex life has almost completely disappeared. When I asked her about it, she mentioned that she has never really cared much about sex, which had been an issue in her past relationships. I questioned why our sex life was so active in the beginning, and she admitted she didn’t have an answer for that.

As time passed, our sex life dwindled to about once a month. I lived with her for six months, and now that I’ve got a new job in Estonia, but in another city, I had to move, and she didn’t come with me. We now see each other every two weeks, and while we do have sex when we meet, it’s not as passionate as it was at the start of our relationship. Despite this, she still shows she cares about me, like calling me after she goes out with her friends, even though I never asked her to do this. She also tells me if someone tries to hit on her and how she turns them down. She occasionally compliments me, though not as often as before.

We’ve been together for two years now, but I feel like the passion is gone (is it, or am I being paranoid?). I’m left wondering if this has evolved from passion into love, or if something else is going on.

 

One thing that has made me a bit anxious, which I haven’t addressed with her because I don’t want to seem toxic, is that she recently mentioned wanting to have more male friends in her social circle (most of her friends are women). She even got a ride home from a party with one of these guy friends, and she told me that he asked if we had broken up because I’m not around as much anymore.

I mentioned that it seemed like a strange question for him to ask and that she should be cautious, but she assured me that she knows when a guy is hitting on her, and this wasn’t the case. However, this same guy recently had his engagement called off by his ex-fiancée, and he’s always asking my girlfriend for advice on how to approach girls and things like that. One time, after we had sex, she mentioned feeling sorry for him because of what happened. (I got internally sad that she mentioned him just after 30 minutes of having an orgasm with me) but I don't know if it's okay or not. Was a casual conversation.

 

I don’t know—am I being paranoid about the relationship and this specific guy? Am I being too jealous? Should I talk to her about how I feel about this guy being around? Should I mention that I'm not well with her having guy friends (I don't have many girl friends, just a few and they are all married).

Assuming you're both relatively young, this suggests to me either that she is having sex with someone else, or she has a physical intimacy issue in general.

Given that you say you had a healthy active sex life at the beginning, it seems that it's unlikely that it's the second possibility.

Having said that, it's hard to know what's really going on based on what you've said here. What I'm fairly sure of though is it's not the evolution of lust into love. While married couples who've been together for years and are getting older may have less sex over time, only sleeping together once a month is a sign that something is definitely wrong in this relationship. The lack of effort on her part to spend more time with you after two years together also isn't a good sign.

I wouldn't go throwing accusations around that you can't prove, but clearly you need to get to the bottom of it and have a conversation with her to find out what's really going on. This clearly isn't working for you as things are, and you need to be upfront about that and see how she responds.

Edited August 13 by FredEire

[Juan Carlos]

I wrote the answer better with more details, the site is not enabling me to edit.

 

Updated:

 

I'm 32, and she’s 30. From time to time, I get this feeling that something might be wrong. I don't know if she has a second partner. I questioned her once about the lack of libido, and she explained that this has happened in all her past relationships. In the beginning, she feels like having sex because there isn’t the pressure of it, but once the relationship becomes more serious, her desire to have sex gradually decreases. According to her, this is a common pattern for her.

 

I asked if she wanted to break up, and she then suggested that I could maybe have a sex partner outside of our relationship (I thought this might be a trap) because then she wouldn’t feel pressured (her words). She was essentially proposing an open relationship, but I’m a monogamous person, so I refused. Before refusing, I asked if she would want a sex partner as well, and she declined, saying that if she doesn't feel like having sex, it wouldn't make sense for her to have other partners.

But then again, could this have been a move to outsmart me and later come clean about having a backup? I don’t know. I try to avoid these thoughts, but they come up from time to time. The fact that she calls and reports to me every time she goes out to a party—something she has done since day one—gives me some security that everything is fine and that she may just have a libido issue. (Update: Now that I only see her two weekends a month, our sex life has become more active. Usually, we have sex on the first day, but that's it; we don't have sex all the time.) However, anxiety sometimes strikes, and I wonder, what if it’s not fine? Maybe it’s an insecurity issue due to being cheated on in the past... or maybe it’s my intuition.

Also, should I be worried about her male friend? They’ve been friends for over 10 years, but the guy was always dating or engaged. Now that he’s single, does the situation change, or am I overreacting?

[flitzanu]

17 minutes ago, Juan Carlos said:

 

 

Also, should I be worried about this male friend of her? They are friends for more than 10 years, but the guy was all the time dating/engaged. Now that he is single the scenario changes, or am I overreacting?

you can be worried all you want, but if she wants to sleep with him there's nothing you can do or say that is going to stop it.

this isn't about whether or not this guy is making moves on her...this is about how she is going to react to it.  don't worry about him, worry about her.  if you don't trust her, then it might be time to rethink the relationship

[Juan Carlos]

6 minutes ago, flitzanu said:

you can be worried all you want, but if she wants to sleep with him there's nothing you can do or say that is going to stop it.

this isn't about whether or not this guy is making moves on her...this is about how she is going to react to it.  don't worry about him, worry about her.  if you don't trust her, then it might be time to rethink the relationship

That's kind relieving to read, it takes out the pressure, it's true, if someone wants to cheat it's the person's decision, nothing I can do can change that.

I don't trust the guy, but even after all I trust her, I'm having questions, yes, but maybe it's an issue with me, because that happened in the past with me, was traumatic, even though I recovered from, it still might have some issues regarding that in my brain.

[FredEire]

50 minutes ago, Juan Carlos said:

I wrote the answer better with more details, the site is not enabling me to edit.

 

Updated:

 

I'm 32, and she’s 30. From time to time, I get this feeling that something might be wrong. I don't know if she has a second partner. I questioned her once about the lack of libido, and she explained that this has happened in all her past relationships. In the beginning, she feels like having sex because there isn’t the pressure of it, but once the relationship becomes more serious, her desire to have sex gradually decreases. According to her, this is a common pattern for her.

 

I asked if she wanted to break up, and she then suggested that I could maybe have a sex partner outside of our relationship (I thought this might be a trap) because then she wouldn’t feel pressured (her words). She was essentially proposing an open relationship, but I’m a monogamous person, so I refused. Before refusing, I asked if she would want a sex partner as well, and she declined, saying that if she doesn't feel like having sex, it wouldn't make sense for her to have other partners.

But then again, could this have been a move to outsmart me and later come clean about having a backup? I don’t know. I try to avoid these thoughts, but they come up from time to time. The fact that she calls and reports to me every time she goes out to a party—something she has done since day one—gives me some security that everything is fine and that she may just have a libido issue. (Update: Now that I only see her two weekends a month, our sex life has become more active. Usually, we have sex on the first day, but that's it; we don't have sex all the time.) However, anxiety sometimes strikes, and I wonder, what if it’s not fine? Maybe it’s an insecurity issue due to being cheated on in the past... or maybe it’s my intuition.

Also, should I be worried about her male friend? They’ve been friends for over 10 years, but the guy was always dating or engaged. Now that he’s single, does the situation change, or am I overreacting?

I definitely think it's possible she was testing your reaction with that proposition, or justifying something down the line.

Whatever the case is and even if it was just a straightforward offer, since you are a monogamous person I think thats enough in itself to end the relationship. Your values clearly aren't aligned and you don't seem to be on the same path.

[Gaeta]

It's time for you to move back home. When a woman offers you to have sex elsewhere that means she is not in love with you anymore. You uprooted yourself for her and you get nothing back out of this, cerrainly not loyalty from her.

[smackie9]

Stop trying to ignore the fact your relationship has gone kaputt. When things go sour, you breakup.