My husband leads a double life and I'm not sure I should stay

[DarcyJames]

Hello. I found this forum because I really need to connect with other humans and have people read my story and, I guess, validate my feelings and remind me that I'm not crazy.

I've been married for 20+ years. I'm in my forties. 

Many years ago when we were dating, I found evidence that my husband (boyfriend at the time) had engaged in an illegal voyeuristic activity one time. I was convinced that it was one time only and that it was a curious mistake, and let it go at the time. We got married and life went on fairly well and normally. We had a child. After our child was born, my husband decided to start a photography business strictly photographing scantily clad gorgeous women. We fought about this a lot because I didn't feel comfortable with his hobby considering his history of voyeurism. I didn't think he was in it for "the art". We discussed him photographing ANYTHING else but he refused. This went on for a few years with me relenting and deciding that "I should support what makes him happy" and not break up our family. I didn't want to share our child.

Years later, I discovered while he was passed out drunk in front of his laptop, that he had an account on [ ] and had been videoing himself, making money doing this, and engaging in a lot of cybersex with women and most of all, MEN. I was so incredibly confused and hurt. I confronted him afterwards and he admitted to having done this for years and that he was addicted. I asked him about his sexual orientation and he swore up and down that he was not at all attracted to men. I told him that this was my limit, that I don't mind if he watches porn but I absolutely did NOT want him putting videos of himself online for the world to see. He agreed to stop. Around this time, he also stopped his photography.

6 years went by. Our child is now a teenager. I discovered this february that my husband did not stop. He has been doing this again for at least 4 years. I've told him he needs to seek therapy for his obvious addiction issues (alcohol as well) and now it's been 6 months and he has yet to make any attempts to get therapy. 

Writing this all makes me feel like an idiot. To the outside world and on most days, we are a perfectly normal, loving couple who jokes around, makes plans, has decent jobs and good friends. I'm just so gutted and am doing a ton of research on trauma bonds, narcissism, sex addiction, betrayal trauma, etc. I realize that this boundary I had set years ago is unenforcable as I am financially dependent on him. I have no idea what to do. Some days I feel insane for even considering leaving, but I cannot ever see myself trusting him with his sexual life. He still cannot tell me WHY he did any of the things he did.

I just want a listening ear. I hope you are well. Thank you.

Edited August 14 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
typos

[tzorno]

That's a tough situation Darcy and i'm sorry you are going through this.  Like you, i'm not sure what I would do or what to even say.  I would ask him to go to counseling for his addiction and if he doesn't there will be repercussions.  That might even be a waste of time though as he hid it from you for years.  There's two options, turn the other cheek or take action.  I think everybody knows the right choice, but it's a hard one.

[DarcyJames]

7 minutes ago, tzorno said:

That's a tough situation Darcy and i'm sorry you are going through this.  Like you, i'm not sure what I would do or what to even say.  I would ask him to go to counseling for his addiction and if he doesn't there will be repercussions.  That might even be a waste of time though as he hid it from you for years.  There's two options, turn the other cheek or take action.  I think everybody knows the right choice, but it's a hard one.

Absolutely it's a tough one. I know in my heart that I should leave this relationship. I can't seem to gather the courage to - I'm constantly looking for "what else" he has done to betray me, as there are several more instances than what I wrote about, so I know it's just a matter of time before I find out more things. Those are just the things I found out about, he's very intelligent and is a cybersecurity expert, so he can hide anything he wants to hide. 

I mentioned again that he needs to seek therapy. He said he is trying to find one. This was about two months ago now. I have yet to see him do anything in that regard. I keep trying to learn about what it means to be "accountable" for your actions - he's being so kind and attentive and honestly probably love bombing and I'm just acting like everything is back to normal now because I was tired as hell of being in misery for months after this last Dday. I'm waiting to see if he even will seek counselling - I believe that is part of him taking accountability for this betrayal. In the meantime, I'm trying to get my ducks in a row in case I do need to separate from him. It's a long process but I'm trying to do something daily to help me to reach a self sufficient state where I could actually leave if I decide that's my only option. Honestly, I'm really scared. 

[S2B]

See an attorney to understand what you may get if you divorced him.

you said he crossed a boundary. There are normally consequences for that. you do this for yourself.

[DarcyJames]

5 hours ago, S2B said:

See an attorney to understand what you may get if you divorced him.

you said he crossed a boundary. There are normally consequences for that. you do this for yourself.

Thanks, yes I did that already. I know where I stand. Unfortunately I can't seem to be able to pull the trigger and I don't know why. I wonder if something is wrong with me. 

[MsJayne]

Sorry to hear what you're going through. Finding out our partner isn't who we thought they were is devastating and the roller-coaster of emotions makes it difficult to make decisions, especially when it's been a long relationship and there's children involved. To me it sounds like you already know how poisonous his choices are, you're just trying to decide whether you have enough self-respect to do what needs to be done. Him saying he would go for counselling and then not following through is typical of people with a personality issue, and even if he did go for counselling it probably wouldn't make much difference. He'd probably be on his best behaviour for a couple of months but, as soon as you'd been lulled back into a false sense of security, he'd slide right back into the creepy stuff. I notice you mention love-bombing, so I'm guessing you've Googled some of his behaviours and it's given you enough information that you're looking back over past incidents and seeing them in a new light? If I was in your place I'd be creeped out and worried that this 'double life' extended further than his computer screen.  I'd get some family law advice first, and then I'd tackle the conversation about him not seeking help and not understanding how damaging his actions have been. 

[MsJayne]

5 minutes ago, DarcyJames said:

I wonder if something is wrong with me. 

Fear of letting go of familiarity is scary, denial kicks in and you start making excuses and trying to find logic in the illogical. I guess you have to ask yourself if being married to a lying pervert aligns with your own values, and if it doesn't you have to come up with a list of good reasons why you choose to turn a blind eye. 

[DarcyJames]

31 minutes ago, MsJayne said:

Fear of letting go of familiarity is scary, denial kicks in and you start making excuses and trying to find logic in the illogical. I guess you have to ask yourself if being married to a lying pervert aligns with your own values, and if it doesn't you have to come up with a list of good reasons why you choose to turn a blind eye. 

Exactly. It would be going against my values and it would be betraying myself, ultimately. I refuse to hate myself again like I did the first time we went through this. I feel more level headed this time around. It's nice to see other people, yourself included, say that I'm not ridiculous in thinking that this is unacceptable to me. I also feel like an idiot for having been faithful for over 2 decades. I've never even sent a nude to anyone or received one either. I feel very duped. 

[tzorno]

Why do you feel like an idiot for staying faithful?  I don't understand that line of thinking. Being unfaithful isn't the answer to the problem.  That's never the answer for any problem.  You don't have to trump his behavior with wrong actions of your own.  Do the right thing and bow out of the relationship gracefully with your dignity and integrity intact.  Being unfaithful is just an unneeded weight you would carry with you for whoever knows how long.  Be the good example for your child.

[DarcyJames]

33 minutes ago, tzorno said:

Why do you feel like an idiot for staying faithful?  I don't understand that line of thinking. Being unfaithful isn't the answer to the problem.  That's never the answer for any problem.  You don't have to trump his behavior with wrong actions of your own.  Do the right thing and bow out of the relationship gracefully with your dignity and integrity intact.  Being unfaithful is just an unneeded weight you would carry with you for whoever knows how long.  Be the good example for your child.

Oh yes, for sure, I agree with you. I would never be unfaithful because it goes against my moral code and I like to sleep at night guilt free. I also don't want to hurt him, which I think is a big part of why I am still in this. I have a tendency to fawn and placate any kind of misunderstanding or slight (he has severe emotional reactions to any issues, small or otherwise - that is another issue, I think it's manipulative) and I'm working towards changing those behaviours in myself. It's not easy and not overnight, however.

I think I feel like an idiot not for staying faithful, but for assuming that he would stay faithful to me. I think that's why I feel stupid. I keep getting proof over and over again that he steps out of bounds and yet I am still here.

 

[tzorno]

On 8/15/2024 at 8:31 AM, DarcyJames said:

Oh yes, for sure, I agree with you. I would never be unfaithful because it goes against my moral code and I like to sleep at night guilt free. I also don't want to hurt him, which I think is a big part of why I am still in this. I have a tendency to fawn and placate any kind of misunderstanding or slight (he has severe emotional reactions to any issues, small or otherwise - that is another issue, I think it's manipulative) and I'm working towards changing those behaviours in myself. It's not easy and not overnight, however.

I think I feel like an idiot not for staying faithful, but for assuming that he would stay faithful to me. I think that's why I feel stupid. I keep getting proof over and over again that he steps out of bounds and yet I am still here.

 

Darcy, you are not an idiot.  Everybody that has gone through a divorce or broken relationship see's a side of their partner that they aren't familiar with.  When your in love, you don't see it or turn a blind eye to it.  I was married for 30 years and thought my ex was a good person on the inside, but just was mean and had a hard time getting along with others.  I was blind.  When she cheated and left, her true self came out and I finally woke up and could see through the haze.  She was not a good person and there was legit reasons why people didn't like her and we didn't have friends.  Everybody else saw it, why didn't I?  I ignored it because I loved her.  Now that she's gone, my daughter said that she's just always mad about something and argues about everything.  That is her true self.  They all put a mask on,  It just takes time for the cracks to appear, but they are there and they will appear.  

Sadly, its rare for people to change.  They are who they are.

[S2B]

He isn’t who you thought he was.

you have no idea what he’s actually capable of. And he hasn’t fulfill the thing you required to continue in the marriage = counseling.

so he has no intention of changing a thing. The only way to change it - is to make those changes yourself.

and I get it - I had to leave a marriage longer than yours due to my exH repeated cheating. It doesn’t get easier as you get older.

but I gathered my self respect and called it what it was - a marriage that was based on his dishonesty. That wasn’t what I married him for. That wasn’t the future I deserved.

and I feel free without him and all the deceit that came with him.

[happyhorizons]

On 8/14/2024 at 9:11 PM, DarcyJames said:

Thanks, yes I did that already. I know where I stand. Unfortunately I can't seem to be able to pull the trigger and I don't know why. I wonder if something is wrong with me. 

No, you are just SCARED of making the final decision/move.  In the end, only YOU can decide what your future will look like. You are STRONGER than you realize. Good Luck.

[Lotsgoingon]

You are definitely NOT an idiot. Many of us (maybe most of us) would go into denial or think we have set a strong boundary if we were in your situation,. I went into denial when an ex of mine got suicidal during a breakup. That's a huge red flag that I overlooked (thought she was getting better and all of that). 

If I may gently pull you a little further out of denial. I know people with all kinds of addictive behavior. When they are ready for help, they et it right away. I know a guy who thought he had fallen into sex addiction who after a crazy episode of chasing sex with a woman 100 miles away, called a sex addiction therapist the next day. (BTW: lots of sex addiction therapists also are sex therapists and also deal with relationships and so on.) 

The delay your husband has in "finding" someone---totally f-ing nonsense and denial. And btw: I'm not sure sex addition is his thing. You also have the possibility that he is gay or bi.

It's time for YOU to go get some help. You sound like you are shamed by all this (understandable though you aren't "bad" for being in the position you are in). You're dealing with a guy who lies very persuasively. Go get help for yourself and that will help you make better decisions in how to deal with him and your future with him. Don't try to figure this out on your own--it's too much. 

 

Edited August 18 by Lotsgoingon

[Tallgurl31]

On 8/14/2024 at 7:58 PM, DarcyJames said:

Exactly. It would be going against my values and it would be betraying myself, ultimately. I refuse to hate myself again like I did the first time we went through this. I feel more level headed this time around. It's nice to see other people, yourself included, say that I'm not ridiculous in thinking that this is unacceptable to me. I also feel like an idiot for having been faithful for over 2 decades. I've never even sent a nude to anyone or received one either. I feel very duped. 

Its definitely unacceptable and you have every right to leave. It's considered a form of cheating. It opens doors to other things as you have experienced. Its virtual cheating.  He's fantasizing about other women/men and looking at other women's/men's bodies the way he should be looking at you his wife. Virtual reality cheating is taking over. How can anybody compete with virtual reality especially with all these filters to make people look perfect which in real life they don't. But yes again my answer is I believe it is in a way because it will lead to more and it's just not right if you're in a marriage and goes against your morals and values. 

[DarcyJames]

Thank you everyone for your replies. You are all bang on. YES I am afraid. For sure I'm not sure sex addiction is his thing. I've talked with him about the possibility of him being gay or bi (when I first found out about 7 years ago about his "addiction") and he denied it and basically refused to delve futher into that possibility with me. I'm a pretty open and accepting person, and I don't consider myself jealous. But I'm exhausted by all of the lies. I am actually stuck right now. I know I'm afraid, but I'm also very stuck in this situation. My goals at this moment are to continue with my own therapy (to be honest I think my therapist is underqualified for all of my problems..) and to get some financial independence, as right now I am 100 percent financially dependent on him. I am isolated physically from anywhere I could potentially go - and the rent these days is absurd, so I really do want a bit of financial cushion. I've decided to give him until January to do SOMETHING and if nothing happens, I will have a talk about separation. I'm hoping I can save up/prepare mentally/legally, all that stuff, by that time. I'm very confused. I keep a journal to remind me of all of the mindf***ery. It's easy to dismiss everything until I start reading over months worth of journals. They help keep me grounded, along with hearing from all of you. Thank you

[DarcyJames]

On 8/18/2024 at 1:15 PM, Lotsgoingon said:

You are definitely NOT an idiot. Many of us (maybe most of us) would go into denial or think we have set a strong boundary if we were in your situation,. I went into denial when an ex of mine got suicidal during a breakup. That's a huge red flag that I overlooked (thought she was getting better and all of that). 

If I may gently pull you a little further out of denial. I know people with all kinds of addictive behavior. When they are ready for help, they et it right away. I know a guy who thought he had fallen into sex addiction who after a crazy episode of chasing sex with a woman 100 miles away, called a sex addiction therapist the next day. (BTW: lots of sex addiction therapists also are sex therapists and also deal with relationships and so on.) 

The delay your husband has in "finding" someone---totally f-ing nonsense and denial. And btw: I'm not sure sex addition is his thing. You also have the possibility that he is gay or bi.

It's time for YOU to go get some help. You sound like you are shamed by all this (understandable though you aren't "bad" for being in the position you are in). You're dealing with a guy who lies very persuasively. Go get help for yourself and that will help you make better decisions in how to deal with him and your future with him. Don't try to figure this out on your own--it's too much. 

 

Yes for sure he is in denial and his inaction is a lack of accountability. I'm actually kind of COUNTING on him NOT making any progress there. I'm using this arbitrary time limit that I've given myself to see if he'll do anything, to get my ducks in a row. 

[DarcyJames]

Question - should I be discussing with him how serious this is to me (again!) or just gather info and confront him with a separation? I feel like it's unfair to just spring that on him but also at the same time I feel zero hope for change. 

[tzorno]

That's a question I don't think any of us can really answer.  You need to do what you feel is right.  The only thing I can offer is that if you do confront him again about it, make it clear how severe it really is.  The ball will be in his court at that point and you'll get your answers.

[happyhorizons]

1 minute ago, tzorno said:

That's a question I don't think any of us can really answer.  You need to do what you feel is right.  The only thing I can offer is that if you do confront him again about it, make it clear how severe it really is.  The ball will be in his court at that point and you'll get your answers.

Exactly ^…only you know what is best for YOU and what path you should choose.

[ExpatInItaly]

5 hours ago, DarcyJames said:

I feel like it's unfair to just spring that on him

Do you think he was worried about being unfair to you all these years he's been lying to you and disrespecting your marriage? 

[S2B]

Telling him exactly how you feel and the impact it could have on ending the M is called good communication.

he either addresses it with you or he doesn’t.

if he doesn’t make forward movement - then you have your answer.

[mark clemson]

If you (understandably) intend to leave him, then "gaining some financial independence" would be a must I think.

At the risk of going off topic, this financial aspect makes me feel the whole (now called) "tradwife" lifestyle concept does a huge disservice to those who get caught up in it. I suppose it can be great IF things work out perfectly, but there are so many ways things might end up not working out, and life tends to throw curveballs at us even if (which WASN'T your case) our partner doesn't. It tends to be bad for the higher earner as well as in many places they need to pay more support based on greater income disparity.

At any rate, I would guess you DON'T want to be raising your kid in a homeless shelter or similar. So again, addressing the financial aspect will be a major part of leaving (assuming you choose to).

Edited August 21 by mark clemson

[DarcyJames]

20 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Do you think he was worried about being unfair to you all these years he's been lying to you and disrespecting your marriage? 

Lol I remind myself of this often. So true.

[DarcyJames]

15 hours ago, mark clemson said:

If you (understandably) intend to leave him, then "gaining some financial independence" would be a must I think.

At the risk of going off topic, this financial aspect makes me feel the whole (now called) "tradwife" lifestyle concept does a huge disservice to those who get caught up in it. I suppose it can be great IF things work out perfectly, but there are so many ways things might end up not working out, and life tends to throw curveballs at us even if (which WASN'T your case) our partner doesn't. It tends to be bad for the higher earner as well as in many places they need to pay more support based on greater income disparity.

At any rate, I would guess you DON'T want to be raising your kid in a homeless shelter or similar. So again, addressing the financial aspect will be a major part of leaving (assuming you choose to).

Yes, absolutely. This is my panic at the moment - what I really need to get very clear on. I'm nervous and I feel really very done with this relationship, I absolutely cannot see it getting any better. I feel like the "talk" is going to be the end of things, so I'm putting that off until I can feel more secure. But then I feel like I'm living a lie, because he just goes on like all is normal as well. It's stressful. He drinks like a fish, too, and that's always been an issue but for some reason it's bothering me even more now. I feel relief when I imagine being on my own.