Advice needed to understand what happened

[Tallgurl31]

I've been with my guy for 10 months. Everything was going really good. Plans to marry in the future (not immediately) and for me to move down there next June. We just went to look at rings, etc. He lives in Fresno, I'm in S.California about a 3 hr drive. We see each other every other week. Communicate daily like every other hour throughout the day. Went through a life and death situation and came out strong together. So I'm lost about the following situation......

Two weeks ago Tuesday I told him I was going to church like days in advance. Side story: we tell each other everything. I've known Mr. George the person who invited me for 6 years (he is a 70 year old senior, former biker whose really into church nothing more or less). I know his wife as well. They are our parents/grandparents age. So this wasn't something new. He invited me to this particular church service about an hour-1.5 away. I told him that as well. I go to church and the service was longer than I thought. Not including drive time, I was there 2.5 hrs . Left about 8ish got home about 10pm. So was gone about 3-4 hrs total which includes drive time. Prior I told him I would call him when I was back. He said ok. When I got back and tried to call him his phone was off. I text and called multiple times. I didn't understand what happened. Next day again, nothing. I call him at work, he answered with an attitude and said he was busy. So at this point I'm shock, distraught, etc. I'm texting trying to find out what's going on or what happen, why is he so upset. No response back. He calls that evening with an attitude accusing me that no church last 4 hrs and that I must be playing games, etc. He said I was unavailable (not true my phone was on and he never called or anything), that I call this guy my daddy (I told him he is like a church father to me), he doesn't call when he's around, etc all kinds of accusations thrown at me. I was shocked. I've been nothing but open and honest and I don't lie and have never cheated. At this age I have no time for games and treat others how I want to be treated. Im not with no boomer or anyone else. I wouldn't do anything to sabotage my future with him and he knows that.

I tried to expalin, even have him talk to Mr. George and his wife, the pastor, etc to show him I was not lying. He was so mean towards me I couldn't understand where this was coming from all of sudden. Its like he had no proof of anything and was going off made up things in his mind or something. It was so hurtful and I didn't understand. I apologized for not having him meet Mr. George and his wife in advance and had planned to do it that following weekend. I also apologized for not checking in during the service. He could've called me as well. I mean, I was worshiping in church not dancing at a club. He didn't want to hear it and just said he would call me back. He didn't.

 So in summary, I tried everything I could to prove I was telling the truth, tried to work it out as it's a misunderstanding. I even have gps tracker (for work purposes) on my phone that validates everything. I don't think it warranted him to ignore my text and calls or to treat me like that. Eventually after I asked him to respond and to please not ignore me he states, "I did what I did, he feels the way he feels, to please give him time and space that he needs."

I don't get it, what did I actually do? I asked him is this end and says he needs to think about it, etc. Not a straight answer.

We have never had anything like this happen in our relationship. We've always talked things out. We haven't had any major conflicts, etc. I felt this was something petty and uncalled for to end a relationship. I'm still perplexed and confused.

This happened 2 weeks ago. He has not called or contacted me at all. I thought I would be respected enough to get closure but to no avail. I believe I've been ghosted. Needless to say, I've been heartbroken, crying, emotional, etc. He was my best friend, love, future husband, etc. I just don't get it. Where did it go wrong. I feel so lost. 

 

Any advice it helpful, thoughts, etc.  Thanks in advance 💔🥺😢

[semble]

2 hours ago, Tallgurl31 said:

I wouldn't do anything to sabotage my future with him and he knows that.

Clearly he doesn't.

Sounds like a control freak if you ask me.

He did you a favor by expressing his true colors before you jumped into a marriage way too soon.

Ring shopping after 10 months? Slow it down next time.

 

[Gebidozo]

Be happy that this jealous, angry control freak has revealed his true nature to you now. Otherwise you’d be stuck in a terrible marriage, like so many other people.

You were thinking of marrying a guy you’ve only been together for 10 months? Way, way too soon. Please don’t rush into those things next time.

[MsJayne]

4 hours ago, Tallgurl31 said:

I wouldn't do anything to sabotage my future with him and he knows that.

You should, he's toxic. He's shown you who he really is, and you should take note. People with these traits wait until they know you're fully emotionally invested before they spring their Nasty on you. 

4 hours ago, Tallgurl31 said:

I don't get it, what did I actually do?

Nothing, you were just living your life. 

4 hours ago, Tallgurl31 said:

He was my best friend, love, future husband, etc.

No, he's not. Someone who loves you doesn't subject you to emotional abuse, love isn't cruel. You're confusing love and emotional dependence, and that's a dangerous mistake to make with someone who behaves this way. He's jealous and controlling, and the accusations he's made are typical of someone who will become more and more abusive if you choose to continue with him. I'll put $50 on him contacting you again, when he thinks you've been punished enough. If you take him back after this episode he'll interpret it as a green light that you'll tolerate abuse, and then he'll start with the serious stuff. The smartest thing you could do right now is block him from contacting you and take it as life lesson no matter how much it hurts. The hurt you feel at ending it will be nothing compared to what will happen if you let this jealous little control freak get away with treating you this way. 

[Tallgurl31]

6 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

Be happy that this jealous, angry control freak has revealed his true nature to you now. Otherwise you’d be stuck in a terrible marriage, like so many other people.

You were thinking of marrying a guy you’ve only been together for 10 months? Way, way too soon. Please don’t rush into those things next time.

I was dating intentionally not to be a long term girlfriend. We weren't looking to get married right away it was more talk for the future like 2025-26. I do agree its good I saw his true colors come out now, than later. It was perplexing because he'd never shown any of this behavior prior. 

[happyhorizons]

10 hours ago, Tallgurl31 said:

I've been with my guy for 10 months. Everything was going really good. Plans to marry in the future (not immediately) and for me to move down there next June. We just went to look at rings, etc. He lives in Fresno, I'm in S.California about a 3 hr drive. We see each other every other week. Communicate daily like every other hour throughout the day. Went through a life and death situation and came out strong together. So I'm lost about the following situation......

Two weeks ago Tuesday I told him I was going to church like days in advance. Side story: we tell each other everything. I've known Mr. George the person who invited me for 6 years (he is a 70 year old senior, former biker whose really into church nothing more or less). I know his wife as well. They are our parents/grandparents age. So this wasn't something new. He invited me to this particular church service about an hour-1.5 away. I told him that as well. I go to church and the service was longer than I thought. Not including drive time, I was there 2.5 hrs . Left about 8ish got home about 10pm. So was gone about 3-4 hrs total which includes drive time. Prior I told him I would call him when I was back. He said ok. When I got back and tried to call him his phone was off. I text and called multiple times. I didn't understand what happened. Next day again, nothing. I call him at work, he answered with an attitude and said he was busy. So at this point I'm shock, distraught, etc. I'm texting trying to find out what's going on or what happen, why is he so upset. No response back. He calls that evening with an attitude accusing me that no church last 4 hrs and that I must be playing games, etc. He said I was unavailable (not true my phone was on and he never called or anything), that I call this guy my daddy (I told him he is like a church father to me), he doesn't call when he's around, etc all kinds of accusations thrown at me. I was shocked. I've been nothing but open and honest and I don't lie and have never cheated. At this age I have no time for games and treat others how I want to be treated. Im not with no boomer or anyone else. I wouldn't do anything to sabotage my future with him and he knows that.

I tried to expalin, even have him talk to Mr. George and his wife, the pastor, etc to show him I was not lying. He was so mean towards me I couldn't understand where this was coming from all of sudden. Its like he had no proof of anything and was going off made up things in his mind or something. It was so hurtful and I didn't understand. I apologized for not having him meet Mr. George and his wife in advance and had planned to do it that following weekend. I also apologized for not checking in during the service. He could've called me as well. I mean, I was worshiping in church not dancing at a club. He didn't want to hear it and just said he would call me back. He didn't.

 So in summary, I tried everything I could to prove I was telling the truth, tried to work it out as it's a misunderstanding. I even have gps tracker (for work purposes) on my phone that validates everything. I don't think it warranted him to ignore my text and calls or to treat me like that. Eventually after I asked him to respond and to please not ignore me he states, "I did what I did, he feels the way he feels, to please give him time and space that he needs."

I don't get it, what did I actually do? I asked him is this end and says he needs to think about it, etc. Not a straight answer.

We have never had anything like this happen in our relationship. We've always talked things out. We haven't had any major conflicts, etc. I felt this was something petty and uncalled for to end a relationship. I'm still perplexed and confused.

This happened 2 weeks ago. He has not called or contacted me at all. I thought I would be respected enough to get closure but to no avail. I believe I've been ghosted. Needless to say, I've been heartbroken, crying, emotional, etc. He was my best friend, love, future husband, etc. I just don't get it. Where did it go wrong. I feel so lost. 

 

Any advice it helpful, thoughts, etc.  Thanks in advance 💔🥺😢

I think that you have DODGED a "bullet" here.  He is obviously a CONTROL FREAK and a manipulator.  Do you think that perhaps he has MET someone new and this is an easy way of getting out the relationship that he has with you?

[Tallgurl31]

1 minute ago, happyhorizons said:

I think that you have DODGED a "bullet" here.  He is obviously a CONTROL FREAK and a manipulator.  Do you think that perhaps he has MET someone new and this is an easy way of getting out the relationship that he has with you?

As I reflect on the relationship I don't think so but I'll never know for sure. I do think it's more mental than anything. I do agree with you about being a manipulator. He's never tried to control anything prior in the relationship. We were doing good, even that day when we talked before I left for church. He could've told me he wasn't comfortable with me going because he didn't know my friend, etc.  But how he handled it was uncalled for. This behavior came out of nowhere. Maybe he wanted a way out and he went this route. But then again why not just say it's over. Don't ask for space and time. 

[happyhorizons]

12 minutes ago, Tallgurl31 said:

As I reflect on the relationship I don't think so but I'll never know for sure. I do think it's more mental than anything. I do agree with you about being a manipulator. He's never tried to control anything prior in the relationship. We were doing good, even that day when we talked before I left for church. He could've told me he wasn't comfortable with me going because he didn't know my friend, etc.  But how he handled it was uncalled for. This behavior came out of nowhere. Maybe he wanted a way out and he went this route. But then again why not just say it's over. Don't ask for space and time. 

It's clear to me he WANTED OUT (for whatever reason) and he was just to much of a coward to discuss it.  He MADE IT YOUR FAULT (as if you did something wrong) to justify him wanting out.  

Edited August 15 by happyhorizons

[Tallgurl31]

6 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

Be happy that this jealous, angry control freak has revealed his true nature to you now. Otherwise you’d be stuck in a terrible marriage, like so many other people.

You were thinking of marrying a guy you’ve only been together for 10 months? Way, way too soon. Please don’t rush into those things next time.

I agree. We were talking about it as we were coming close to a year together. It wasn't anything soon more like 2025/26. I require counseling first before rushing into anything like that. But glad his behavior was revealed now. 

[happyhorizons]

6 minutes ago, Tallgurl31 said:

I agree. We were talking about it as we were coming close to a year together. It wasn't anything soon more like 2025/26. I require counseling first before rushing into anything like that. But glad his behavior was revealed now. 

Exactly....better now than when you are married and maybe have a child.  This was a blessing in the long run. 

[stillafool]

In my experience I've found and heard that extreme jealousy is a sign or guilt.  It sounds to me that he was making a mountain out of a molehill as a flimsy excuse to break up with you.  His reaction to what happened is not normal and doesn't make sense.  Therefore, something else is up with him.

[Lotsgoingon]

Wow,  I know this hurts.

There is no way there were no red flags to this kind of weird behavior of his. Did you ask him about his previous relationships? And did you listen carefully to what he leaves out of descriptions of previous relationships? What were his friendships like? How was he doing on his job and previous jobs? The best predictor of behavior is often previous behavior. Now if you weren't really asking about previous behavior or if you didn't know to listen for the gaps and evasions when people leave out key facts, then you didn't get key information on this person.

I feel so bad that you overly defended yourself, acting like he was open to "evidence." No, this guy was deep into jerk mode. BTW: you want to notice this earlier next time. 

I have an active imagination. My first thought was that HE cheated on you sometime around the time of the church service. And he didn't want to tell you that he cheated and he didn't want to NOT tell you and continue dating, so he looked for an occasion to blow up the relationship. 

My other thought is that this guy is a serious abuser, including with violence. And he wants to get you on the total defensive, get you begging to come back and if and when he "allows" you back (if you keep requesting a talk or meeting), then  boom, he's going to hit you. The accusation he leveled at you is so distorted and paranoid and manipulative--if you kept participating in defending yourself, then you would be tolerating his abuse. So then the next increase in abuse (physical violence) is harder to call out, because you're already in an emotionally abusive, twisted situation. 

You really want to go back through your memories and look for hints of him being abusive--might have been to others. Or hints of him being overly rigid. 

No matter his motivation, you are lucky (I know you feel awful right now and that's understandable). This guy was going to be an emotional wrecking ball. The kind of person who could easily upend years of your life and require years to recover from. 

 

[ShyViolet]

There are so many red flags in this situation.  First of all, why were you ring shopping and talking about moving in together at 10 months of dating.  I don't care that you say the wedding would have been a year or two away, that is still problematic.  At 10 months of dating, and especially along with the fact that you only see each other every other week (so you've only hung out in person about 20 times total?) you do not know someone well enough to be calling them your "future husband."  

15 hours ago, Tallgurl31 said:

I tried everything I could to prove I was telling the truth, tried to work it out as it's a misunderstanding. I even have gps tracker (for work purposes) on my phone that validates everything. I don't think it warranted him to ignore my text and calls or to treat me like that. Eventually after I asked him to respond and to please not ignore me he states, "I did what I did, he feels the way he feels, to please give him time and space that he needs."

I don't get it, what did I actually do? I asked him is this end and says he needs to think about it, etc. Not a straight answer.

It's really concerning that you would want to stay with him and save the relationship after he showed this side of himself and acted like a psycho.  YOU should have been the one TELLING him that it's the end, not asking him "is this the end?"  Do you have really low self-esteem?  You should know that when a guy turns psycho on you like this, begins acting controlling and verbally abusive, making unfounded accusations, you should be ending it, not begging him to stay with you.  This is really dysfunctional.

You became too invested too fast with a guy that you apparently did not really know.  He had this whole dark side to him that you didn't know about until now, that he kept hidden and now it is coming out.  This is why you get to know a person before making declarations that they are your future husband and start looking at rings together.  You rushed into that and it was a mistake.

[Tallgurl31]

37 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said:

Wow,  I know this hurts.

There is no way there were no red flags to this kind of weird behavior of his. Did you ask him about his previous relationships? And did you listen carefully to what he leaves out of descriptions of previous relationships? What were his friendships like? How was he doing on his job and previous jobs? The best predictor of behavior is often previous behavior. Now if you weren't really asking about previous behavior or if you didn't know to listen for the gaps and evasions when people leave out key facts, then you didn't get key information on this person.

I feel so bad that you overly defended yourself, acting like he was open to "evidence." No, this guy was deep into jerk mode. BTW: you want to notice this earlier next time. 

He was married previously for 17 years. They grew apart, as they became empty nestors and it fizzled out. Post divorce no major relationships until we met. I know abuse and signs as I saw my mom go through it. Believe me there were no signs of this at all. He wasn't manipulative or anything prior to this event. That's why it hit me hard because it happen out of nowhere. It could be cheating or it could be mental. My intuition tells me its something other than cheating more mental. However I could be wrong. The whole thing makes no sense. If he wanted out just let me know instead making false accusations. Just respectfully end it. Don't ask for space and time. It's just weird behavior. But better I found out now than later. 

[Tallgurl31]

5 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

There are so many red flags in this situation.  First of all, why were you ring shopping and talking about moving in together at 10 months of dating.  I don't care that you say the wedding would have been a year or two away, that is still problematic.  At 10 months of dating, and especially along with the fact that you only see each other every other week (so you've only hung out in person about 20 times total?) you do not know someone well enough to be calling them your "future husband."  

It's really concerning that you would want to stay with him and save the relationship after he showed this side of himself and acted like a psycho.  YOU should have been the one TELLING him that it's the end, not asking him "is this the end?"  Do you have really low self-esteem?  You should know that when a guy turns psycho on you like this, begins acting controlling and verbally abusive, making unfounded accusations, you should be ending it, not begging him to stay with you.  This is really dysfunctional.

You became too invested too fast with a guy that you apparently did not really know.  He had this whole dark side to him that you didn't know about until now, that he kept hidden and now it is coming out.  This is why you get to know a person before making declarations that they are your future husband and start looking at rings together.  You rushed into that and it was a mistake.

No I do not have low self esteem at all. I reacted that way because the situation hit me out of nowhere and I responded based on emotions and being blindsided at the time. There were no signs leading up to this or this was going to happen at all. 

I don't believe there is a time frame that you have to fall for someone everyone is different. We talked about it to get an idea of likes/dislikes for future reference and because it's how we felt at the time no more or less it was just talk not action. Some people marry quick some years later. Everything was going really good up until this one event. It could've happen 3 or 4 years later. By the time we would've married IF things were different we would've been together close to or over 2 years.

However, besides all that, I am glad his true side came out now, rather than years later. 

[Tallgurl31]

27 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

 It's really concerning that you would want to stay with him and save the relationship after he showed this side of himself and acted like a psycho.  YOU should have been the one TELLING him that it's the end, not asking him "is this the end?"  

That was my natural reaction at that moment to someone I loved, was to talk and work things out and not automatically end it or give up over a misunderstanding. We had always talk things out before. We weren't arguing or anything prior to this. 

Now, of course after this I wouldn't take him back. But at the time it happen in that particular moment it's how I felt and responded. 

[stillafool]

32 minutes ago, Tallgurl31 said:

He was married previously for 17 years. They grew apart, as they became empty nestors and it fizzled out. Post divorce no major relationships until we met. I know abuse and signs as I saw my mom go through it. Believe me there were no signs of this at all. He wasn't manipulative or anything prior to this event. That's why it hit me hard because it happen out of nowhere. It could be cheating or it could be mental. My intuition tells me its something other than cheating more mental. However I could be wrong. The whole thing makes no sense. If he wanted out just let me know instead making false accusations. Just respectfully end it. Don't ask for space and time. It's just weird behavior. But better I found out now than later. 

He's far more dangerous if it's something mental.  That would mean he's probably been hiding this behavior from you or trying to keep it under control.  This would be too much for me and would scare me.  I wouldn't want to end up on the 6:00 news because of someone's temper.

[Lotsgoingon]

Sounds like you are out of denial, so great!

Question: had you guys had a major conflict yet? Could you see the areas where you and he were likely going to run into challenges as a couple? Seeing the areas where you likely will conflict is quite quite healthy for a couple and is the kind of thing you want to do before you get to thinking about marriage. 

I'm with @ShyVioletin thinking that you guys got caught up in fantasy and maybe never came out of the infatuation stage. People can fake "being nice" in a relationship for quite a while. Eventually they exhaust themselves. Sounds to me like this guy was faking it with you. Which makes me think he was giving you vague answers when you asked about his past. 

After his divorce, he told you he had no major relationships. What does that mean? That kind of language is totally compatible with sleeping with ten people after his divorce. What was his part in the divorce? You want to ask someone that. Also finances--did you REALLY know his situation? Some people suddenly run because their finances are in collapse. 

[Tallgurl31]

2 hours ago, stillafool said:

He's far more dangerous if it's something mental.  That would mean he's probably been hiding this behavior from you or trying to keep it under control.  This would be too much for me and would scare me.  I wouldn't want to end up on the 6:00 news because of someone's temper.

Oh I definitely agree. Especially with the way he reacted. Since I've had time to reflect on everything and I've gotten the same response across the board from my siblings to the support and comments here,  I definitely dodged a bullet and was blessed to find out early and walk away. 

[stillafool]

12 minutes ago, Tallgurl31 said:

Oh I definitely agree. Especially with the way he reacted. Since I've had time to reflect on everything and I've gotten the same response across the board from my siblings to the support and comments here,  I definitely dodged a bullet and was blessed to find out early and walk away. 

I commend you for recognizing this early when it happens rather than ignoring it and waiting around until something really unpleasant happens.

[Tallgurl31]

2 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

Sounds like you are out of denial, so great!

Question: had you guys had a major conflict yet? Could you see the areas where you and he were likely going to run into challenges as a couple? Seeing the areas where you likely will conflict is quite quite healthy for a couple and is the kind of thing you want to do before you get to thinking about marriage. 

I'm with @ShyVioletin thinking that you guys got caught up in fantasy and maybe never came out of the infatuation stage. People can fake "being nice" in a relationship for quite a while. Eventually they exhaust themselves. Sounds to me like this guy was faking it with you. Which makes me think he was giving you vague answers when you asked about his past. 

After his divorce, he told you he had no major relationships. What does that mean? That kind of language is totally compatible with sleeping with ten people after his divorce. What was his part in the divorce? You want to ask someone that. Also finances--did you REALLY know his situation? Some people suddenly run because their finances are in collapse. 

Yes I asked so many questions looked up the divorce, etc. I can only go off what he told me. We talked about finances, kids, past relationships, what part he played in the divorce (because its never one sided), how many people he slept with, what makes him angry, etc I honestly have a list of like 50 questions or more that was given to me and I went through it. Because I was doing my best to vet any red flags that I didn't agree with. I did see areas where we could have challenges but they weren't anything that we couldn't discuss or work on meaning no major red flags. We even talked about those areas. Also the next step would've been counseling (individually and both) for anything that I didn't ask, etc. He actually did agree to it. Before this happen. I'm definitely not in denial, was just shocked as I've never had anything like this happen before and reacted on pure emotions. I'm not there anymore but was just trying to understand what happened. I'll probably will never know. 

[Tallgurl31]

2 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

Sounds like you are out of denial, so great!

Question: had you guys had a major conflict yet? Could you see the areas where you and he were likely going to run into challenges as a couple? Seeing the areas where you likely will conflict is quite quite healthy for a couple and is the kind of thing you want to do before you get to thinking about marriage. 

I'm with @ShyVioletin thinking that you guys got caught up in fantasy and maybe never came out of the infatuation stage. People can fake "being nice" in a relationship for quite a while. Eventually they exhaust themselves. Sounds to me like this guy was faking it with you. Which makes me think he was giving you vague answers when you asked about his past. 

He did a very good job of faking it. I was serious and tried to be thorough in my vetting process. I didn't pick up on vague response and I did what I could to check his responses (i.e. divorce, finances, etc). He knew and went along with me checking things. I think I just fell for a really good gamer. But he wasn't that good because it came out before the year mark. So I'm fortunate for that and to be able to walk away with just a broken heart that will recover. 

[Lotsgoingon]

Yes and the more you remind yourself of  the 9-alarm fire you avoided, the faster your heart will heal.  But it's OK to feel the disappointment. Just make sure you do not return if he ever calls. 

 

[happyhorizons]

3 hours ago, Tallgurl31 said:

He did a very good job of faking it. I was serious and tried to be thorough in my vetting process. I didn't pick up on vague response and I did what I could to check his responses (i.e. divorce, finances, etc). He knew and went along with me checking things. I think I just fell for a really good gamer. But he wasn't that good because it came out before the year mark. So I'm fortunate for that and to be able to walk away with just a broken heart that will recover. 

You will recover and be stronger in the long run 

[OKtoday]

I had a sudden and permanent overnight ending of a relationship happen to me after a 2 year relationship and a somewhat minor argument that most could have worked through in a few hours, but this taught me a very important quality to look for…

Can he/she work through things so the relationship can grow?

if it’s a no, there is really no place for the relationship to go. It would be a relationship that could only maintain itself and keep both partners from growing and changing too.

We really didn’t have many arguments so I didn’t experience or consider this earlier, but today this valuable question moves up the list for me. I’ll be looking for this one