Author irresolute Posted August 15 Author Share Posted August 15 1 minute ago, MsJayne said: So he's just a poor socially inept fool? And after a couple of dates he'll forget this other woman because he'll be smitten with you? Even if this other woman does exist, why would you want to date someone who's pining for someone else? It's a recipe for a whole lot of hurt and regret. He may be. I may be as well naive. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted August 15 Share Posted August 15 (edited) 1 minute ago, irresolute said: And seemed disappointed on himself once the date was coming to an end, disappointed that he didn’t filter that type of info. What did he say to make you think this? A 44 year old man knows what he's doing and saying. How old are you? Edited August 15 by stillafool Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted August 15 Share Posted August 15 3 minutes ago, irresolute said: By the way he acted, very genuine. And seemed disappointed on himself once the date was coming to an end, disappointed that he didn’t filter that type of info. He is 44 years old Maybe he realized at the end that his honesty may have ruined his chance at sex, especially since you turned your head and didn't let him kiss you. He may be checking out your self esteem and how much you'll put up with. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author irresolute Posted August 15 Author Share Posted August 15 Just now, stillafool said: What did he say t make you think this? A 44 year old man knows what he's doing and saying. How old are you? He seemed pensive, ruminatively thoughtful for moments. Genuinely into the conversation, I noted an internal struggle. He was transparent, he shared difficult things with me. He was vulnerable 2 minutes ago, stillafool said: Link to post Share on other sites
MsJayne Posted August 15 Share Posted August 15 1 minute ago, irresolute said: He is 44 years old So he's old enough to know how to manipulate women. 5 minutes ago, irresolute said: Can I give him the benefit of the doubt? Definitely, that's what nice people do. Nice people are always so much easier to manipulate because they go around forgiving other people for being rude and insensitive. 🚩🚩🚩 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author irresolute Posted August 15 Author Share Posted August 15 1 minute ago, stillafool said: Maybe he realized at the end that his honesty may have ruined his chance at sex, especially since you turned your head and didn't let him kiss you. He may be checking out your self esteem and how much you'll put up with. This is brutal, stillafool. btw, you need to change your nickname, you’re not a fool Link to post Share on other sites
Author irresolute Posted August 15 Author Share Posted August 15 1 minute ago, MsJayne said: So he's old enough to know how to manipulate women. Definitely, that's what nice people do. Nice people are always so much easier to manipulate because they go around forgiving other people for being rude and insensitive. 🚩🚩🚩 Do I have to be less nicer? Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted August 15 Share Posted August 15 2 minutes ago, irresolute said: He seemed pensive, ruminatively thoughtful for moments. Genuinely into the conversation, I noted an internal struggle. He was transparent, he shared difficult things with me. He was vulnerable He sounds like he's been around and knows the score when it comes to women. Some men can read women and know what moves them. This one sounds like one of them. He made the right moves with you because you want to see him again and probably will. I caution you not to have sex with him or get ahead of your feelings. He sounds like a heartbreak waiting to happen. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MsJayne Posted August 15 Share Posted August 15 Just now, irresolute said: Do I have to be less nicer? No, you just have to always put yourself first in these situations. One date and he's already laid the foundation for making you feel second-best. While he was being all pensive and ruminating you thought he was being vulnerable and sharing, but what he's really doing is testing the water to see how gullible you are, reeling you in with his fake sincerity. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author irresolute Posted August 15 Author Share Posted August 15 3 minutes ago, MsJayne said: No, you just have to always put yourself first in these situations. One date and he's already laid the foundation for making you feel second-best. While he was being all pensive and ruminating you thought he was being vulnerable and sharing, but what he's really doing is testing the water to see how gullible you are, reeling you in with his fake sincerity. I don’t consider myself gullible, MsJayne. I find very difficult to distrust people, but I believe I have paid attention to my gut feelings with this guy. Nothing in him made me believe that he was a womanizer. Link to post Share on other sites
Author irresolute Posted August 15 Author Share Posted August 15 9 minutes ago, stillafool said: He sounds like he's been around and knows the score when it comes to women. Some men can read women and know what moves them. This one sounds like one of them. He made the right moves with you because you want to see him again and probably will. I caution you not to have sex with him or get ahead of your feelings. He sounds like a heartbreak waiting to happen. I don’t know why you don’t trust that he was genuine. Wouldn’t have been easier for him to blatantly lie about his feelings for other woman? Wouldn’t have been been more productive for him to try and flirt with me if he was interested, instead,? I think he did everything wrong, and not because he meant it Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted August 15 Share Posted August 15 4 minutes ago, irresolute said: I don’t know why you don’t trust that he was genuine. Wouldn’t have been easier for him to blatantly lie about his feelings for other woman? Wouldn’t have been been more productive for him to try and flirt with me if he was interested, instead,? I think he did everything wrong, and not because he meant it He's older and knows what he's doing. Why lie about his feelings for the other woman when he can be honest and then remind you that he was later on when you find out he's seeing her. As you can see his honesty didn't mess up anything with you because you still want to date him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
FredEire Posted August 15 Share Posted August 15 6 minutes ago, irresolute said: I don’t know why you don’t trust that he was genuine. Wouldn’t have been easier for him to blatantly lie about his feelings for other woman? Wouldn’t have been been more productive for him to try and flirt with me if he was interested, instead,? I think he did everything wrong, and not because he meant it I agree it could have been some kind of PUA move, some of them are quite good at reading people and will throw out a seemingly bizarre comment or observation to provoke the woman to think about it and thereby get inside her head. Even if he's just being sincere it doesn't seem like a great scenario to be getting yourself into. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author irresolute Posted August 15 Author Share Posted August 15 1 minute ago, stillafool said: He's older and knows what he's doing. Why lie about his feelings for the other woman when he can be honest and then remind you that he was later on when you find out he's seeing her. As you can see his honesty didn't mess up anything with you because you still want to date him. He were both in the same page from the beginning about the nature of our expectations. There was no need for him to add that he was in love with someone else for me to lower my expectations even more. Link to post Share on other sites
MsJayne Posted August 15 Share Posted August 15 How did you feel when he revealed that he had feelings for someone else? Did it make you feel all warm and fuzzy, like you were the only woman in his mind? Gut feelings don't come into the equation in the initial stages of being attracted to someone, the dopamine buzzing in our heads refuses to let us see the warning signs. I didn't say you are gullible, I said he's testing to see whether you are. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted August 15 Share Posted August 15 2 minutes ago, irresolute said: He were both in the same page from the beginning about the nature of our expectations. There was no need for him to add that he was in love with someone else for me to lower my expectations even more. Like FredEire said it is a way to get inside your head. It worked because here you are. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
FredEire Posted August 15 Share Posted August 15 5 minutes ago, stillafool said: Like FredEire said it is a way to get inside your head. It worked because here you are. I used to know guys who were into PUA so it rings some bells. Make a girl jealous straight away basically. Another one they used to do was "negging" which was basically very subtly lowering self esteem with small insults thrown into conversations so women would be more suggestible. They all came across as quite off-putting incel mindset types whenever they were just talking to eachother so I hope this guy wasn't a PUA, but it certainly seems possible. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Gebidozo Posted August 16 Share Posted August 16 1 hour ago, irresolute said: I don’t consider myself gullible, MsJayne. I find very difficult to distrust people, but I believe I have paid attention to my gut feelings with this guy. Nothing in him made me believe that he was a womanizer. But it doesn’t matter if he is a womanizer or not. He told you that he still has feelings for another woman. That means you shouldn’t be dating him now. Link to post Share on other sites
Author irresolute Posted August 16 Author Share Posted August 16 Maybe you are all right. Maybe be was a player, or a PUA, and played with me, all to feed his ego. thank you everyone, it has been very helpful. I will update you if I have any news. im still online dating, talking to other people. Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted August 16 Share Posted August 16 Your post is kind of confusing. So you both are looking for casual connections because you are both just getting back into dating, correct? So I infer from that that neither are looking for an exclusive relationship at this time, is that right? OK. But then you clarify that he said he is IN LOVE with someone else/ Why would you even want to go there? What could be in it for you? Sure, you had a good "connection." Lots of people connect well with another person, it doesn't mean it would be a good idea to date that person if their life circumstances ware soundly not aligned with that. You said that you sensed he was having an "internal struggle." Ok. Why would that make him a good prospect for you to be dating? There are a few things that would be absolute deal breakers for dating, in my opinion, and the other person already being in love with someone would be one of those. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Ami1uwant Posted August 16 Share Posted August 16 5 hours ago, irresolute said: Thank you. When he suggested a second date, he sent me a candid text with an explanation of why he cannot pursue his romantic interest at the moment. I have to add that we are both looking for dating without expectations as we’re both going tru divorce. would this change your views? Or this is still a “no”? Are you ready to date??? you don’t know if you are ready to date again post divorce/ LTR end until you date Link to post Share on other sites
happyhorizons Posted August 16 Share Posted August 16 It’s time to move on…… 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ms.stressed Posted August 16 Share Posted August 16 I believe you should go with the flow, if you like him well enough. Go on the second date, but don't make efforts to pursue him . Never pursue, attract. Sometimes we (as women) over think things (this has been scientifically proven) and our feelings get overly involved (depending on our leutal stage) and we don't see it for what it is and he could be interested. My therapist told me some great advice: Trust them, until they give you a reason not to. But if you're turned off by how he is as a person, then leave. Like, if he's not loving you the way you want to be loved, leave. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author irresolute Posted August 16 Author Share Posted August 16 1 hour ago, ms.stressed said: I believe you should go with the flow, if you like him well enough. Go on the second date, but don't make efforts to pursue him . Never pursue, attract. Sometimes we (as women) over think things (this has been scientifically proven) and our feelings get overly involved (depending on our leutal stage) and we don't see it for what it is and he could be interested. My therapist told me some great advice: Trust them, until they give you a reason not to. But if you're turned off by how he is as a person, then leave. Like, if he's not loving you the way you want to be loved, leave Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted August 17 Share Posted August 17 He's just looking to keep himself occupied with other dates until he can finally be with her. And you're just the perfect fit for that... You're crushing on your boss so sounds like you're both okay with being each other's 2nd best (fillers). 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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