I'd appreciate your input

[irresolute]

16 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

I’m having trouble posting here, but I wanted to update you all about this guy. 

On Wednesday, I told him that I’d be ok with a second date. This was before I posted on this forum and realized that I was being played. I want to thank all of those who replied and expressed their opinions here.

 

he never followed up on my text from Wednesday (I told him that I was ok with a second date and that I could meet this Sunday or later in the week)

he sent me a text today and did not mention the second date. He just said that he still remembered me.

i haven’t replied and im just thinking the best way to not feed his ego anymore.

 

[happyhorizons]

8 minutes ago, irresolute said:

On Wednesday, I told him that I’d be ok with a second date. This was before I posted on this forum and realized that I was being played. I want to thank all of those who replied and expressed their opinions here.

 

he never followed up on my text from Wednesday (I told him that I was ok with a second date and that I could meet this Sunday or later in the week)

he sent me a text today and did not mention the second date. He just said that he still remembered me.

i haven’t replied and im just thinking the best way to not feed his ego anymore.

 

His behavior is very awkward to say the least 

[Alpacalia]

29 minutes ago, irresolute said:

On Wednesday, I told him that I’d be ok with a second date. This was before I posted on this forum and realized that I was being played. I want to thank all of those who replied and expressed their opinions here.

 

he never followed up on my text from Wednesday (I told him that I was ok with a second date and that I could meet this Sunday or later in the week)

he sent me a text today and did not mention the second date. He just said that he still remembered me.

i haven’t replied and im just thinking the best way to not feed his ego anymore.

 

He was upfront from the beginning and told you he was still interested in someone else. You not minding going on a second date with him with you knowing that and being okay with it doesn't equate to him playing you. Some woman would be okay with it, sounds like you were at first, but now you're not. Especially since you said you both agreed initially to date without expectations. I mean, I have nothing against dating when you're trying to find your footing and what you're looking for. But to go into it with someone that already admitted they would rather be with someone else when they finally can instead? You set yourself up for heartbreak.

[irresolute]

33 minutes ago, happyhorizons said:

His behavior is very awkward to say the least 

Yes, very. He basically said:  I still remember you.

what does that mean??

and he didn’t mention anything about meeting for a second time. 

[irresolute]

8 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

He was upfront from the beginning and told you he was still interested in someone else. You not minding going on a second date with him with you knowing that and being okay with it doesn't equate to him playing you. Some woman would be okay with it, sounds like you were at first, but now you're not. Especially since you said you both agreed initially to date without expectations. I mean, I have nothing against dating when you're trying to find your footing and what you're looking for. But to go into it with someone that already admitted they would rather be with someone else when they finally can instead? You set yourself up for heartbreak.

Yes, he was upfront. But I’m clueless as to why he said he wanted to see me again and then contacts me two days later saying “I still remember you” 

[happyhorizons]

Just now, irresolute said:

Yes, very. He basically said:  I still remember you.

what does that mean??

and he didn’t mention anything about meeting for a second time. 

Like oh I still remember youuuuu….strange guy

[Alpacalia]

11 minutes ago, irresolute said:

Yes, very. He basically said:  I still remember you.

what does that mean??

and he didn’t mention anything about meeting for a second time. 

Meh, because you reached out to him for a second date after he told you he had the hots for someone else. "Oh, I remember you" like anyone would not remember someone they just went out on a date with or had a conversation with not too long ago. He comes across a bit smug. I think he feels since you're okay with this set-up, dignity shot, he can pretty much do what he wants. His ego is inflated.

[irresolute]

4 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

Meh, because you reached out to him for a second date after he told you he had the hots for someone else. "Oh, I remember you" like anyone would not remember someone they just went out on a date with or had a conversation with not too long ago. He comes across a bit smug. I think he feels since you're okay with this set-up, dignity shot, he can pretty much do what he wants. His ego is inflated.

I did not reach out to him for a second date. I said yes after he asked. I have not reached out since and have not replied to his text either 

 

I still want to know in which way can I not inflate his ego. Radio silence? 

Edited August 17 by irresolute
Add

[Alpacalia]

25 minutes ago, irresolute said:

I did not reach out to him for a second date. I said yes after he asked. I have not reached out since and have not replied to his text either 

I stand corrected! Thanks for clarifying.

Still, he viewed you being okay with dating him with you knowing he was pining for someone else as a green light to keep throwing out random feelers. He's just not interested. Up front or not, he doesn't feel anything for you. It happens from time to time with OLD. You come across someone or you come across their profile and think, hmmm, maybe they're the one? Then you start a conversation or go on a first date and you're like, okay, not what I was hoping for. I should have followed my first guess and moved on.

Try not to let his lack of enthusiasm affect you. He told you where he stood from the start. He's just not the kind of guy you should date because 1. he's still attached and 2. he's not interested enough and honestly, it happens. Setting your expectations low with this guy just allows him to call the shots.

25 minutes ago, irresolute said:

I still want to know in which way can I not inflate his ego. Radio silence? 

By having standards and not agreeing to a date with someone who wants to see you when they're settling for you as plan B when their net catches no fish. You have to believe you deserve better than to be "the best other option" in someone's life. Just leave it where it is, stay the course, and remind yourself that this guy isn't the prize you seek.

What about this unrequited thing with your boss? Is it a similar situation? Being the best other option? It seems like you are caught up in this situation where you have dynamic that you can't distinguish between what's being realistic, appropriate, and being sidelined, and used. You don't have to be. 

C'mon, he asks for a second date then comes back with "oh yeah, I still remember you"...he's a fathead. I'm not saying he's juggling some players game where he purposely went out and pegged you, but you are in the fog of another interest as it is. 

Edited August 17 by Alpacalia

[irresolute]

1 hour ago, Alpacalia said:

I stand corrected! Thanks for clarifying.

Still, he viewed you being okay with dating him with you knowing he was pining for someone else as a green light to keep throwing out random feelers. He's just not interested. Up front or not, he doesn't feel anything for you. It happens from time to time with OLD. You come across someone or you come across their profile and think, hmmm, maybe they're the one? Then you start a conversation or go on a first date and you're like, okay, not what I was hoping for. I should have followed my first guess and moved on.

Try not to let his lack of enthusiasm affect you. He told you where he stood from the start. He's just not the kind of guy you should date because 1. he's still attached and 2. he's not interested enough and honestly, it happens. Setting your expectations low with this guy just allows him to call the shots.

By having standards and not agreeing to a date with someone who wants to see you when they're settling for you as plan B when their net catches no fish. You have to believe you deserve better than to be "the best other option" in someone's life. Just leave it where it is, stay the course, and remind yourself that this guy isn't the prize you seek.

What about this unrequited thing with your boss? Is it a similar situation? Being the best other option? It seems like you are caught up in this situation where you have dynamic that you can't distinguish between what's being realistic, appropriate, and being sidelined, and used. You don't have to be. 

C'mon, he asks for a second date then comes back with "oh yeah, I still remember you"...he's a fathead. I'm not saying he's juggling some players game where he purposely went out and pegged you, but you are in the fog of another interest as it is. 

Thank you. This is very helpful. The most important thing for me right now is to avoid getting caught in this fog again. Not replying makes me feel that I have the power. So I won’t reply 
my boss is another thing. I like him but nothing ever happened nor it will happen. I just admire him

 

 

[Gaeta]

Having a crush on someone cannot be compared to him having feelings for someone else. A crush does not keep you from falling in love with someone crossing your path. He will not fall in love with anyone until the matter with this other woman is solved, his heart is not free.

It's ok to date around and not wanting a serious relationship right away but date people with a free heart.

I think this guy dates around the clock and you're one among several he's juggling with at this time.

Beware of instant connection, it's often something we think the other person experience with us, and it's not. 

[FredEire]

8 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

He's just looking to keep himself occupied with other dates until he can finally be with her. And you're just the perfect fit for that...

You're crushing on your boss so sounds like you're both okay with being each other's 2nd best (fillers). 

 

Actually the more I think about this question the more I think this girl doesn't actually exist. The comment seems designed to make you jealous and focused on winning him over.

[happyhorizons]

1 hour ago, FredEire said:

Actually the more I think about this question the more I think this girl doesn't actually exist. The comment seems designed to make you jealous and focused on winning him over.

I had the exact thought…manipulation!!!!!

[irresolute]

3 hours ago, Gaeta said:

Having a crush on someone cannot be compared to him having feelings for someone else. A crush does not keep you from falling in love with someone crossing your path. He will not fall in love with anyone until the matter with this other woman is solved, his heart is not free.

It's ok to date around and not wanting a serious relationship right away but date people with a free heart.

I think this guy dates around the clock and you're one among several he's juggling with at this time.

Beware of instant connection, it's often something we think the other person experience with us, and it's not. 

Thanks Gaeta for the clarification. I didn’t realized about this, the difference between having a crush on someone and being in love with someone. 
and your last comment about instant connection is very helpful as well. Sometimes we think it’s mutual, when it’s not. 

[irresolute]

3 hours ago, FredEire said:

Actually the more I think about this question the more I think this girl doesn't actually exist. The comment seems designed to make you jealous and focused on winning him over.

If this were the case, it’s so lame. What a loser and a waste of time. But, we’ll never know. 
seems actually like a possibility, that he created this scenario for some reason. The way it made me feel, though, when he was describing this relationship with me, had the opposite effect than the one he was expected, if this was the case 

[FredEire]

3 minutes ago, irresolute said:

If this were the case, it’s so lame. What a loser and a waste of time. But, we’ll never know. 
seems actually like a possibility, that he created this scenario for some reason. The way it made me feel, though, when he was describing this relationship with me, had the opposite effect than the one he was expected, if this was the case 

Well I don't know this guy, never met him, so I'm only speculating.

But it seems such a wild and weird comment on a first date that it's either a total lack of self-awareness/social skills or he's playing some kind of game.

There's very few scenarios where I'd walk out on a date but a girl telling me she was scheming on how to get with some other guy would probably be one of them.

[irresolute]

6 minutes ago, FredEire said:

Well I don't know this guy, never met him, so I'm only speculating.

But it seems such a wild and weird comment on a first date that it's either a total lack of self-awareness/social skills or he's playing some kind of game.

There's very few scenarios where I'd walk out on a date but a girl telling me she was scheming on how to get with some other guy would probably be one of them.

Maybe he talked about her because he wasn’t attracted to me enough. 
he could very well be a player. He seems ambivalent, he doesn’t text often, he says one thing and then never follows up (like, it’s infuriating to me that he suggested a second date, he asked me when I was available, I responded when, and his next text is two days after, with no mention about our possible date) he’s either very unsure about everything, he has other options and I’m not a priority or he is manipulative 

[FredEire]

22 minutes ago, irresolute said:

Maybe he talked about her because he wasn’t attracted to me enough. 
he could very well be a player. He seems ambivalent, he doesn’t text often, he says one thing and then never follows up (like, it’s infuriating to me that he suggested a second date, he asked me when I was available, I responded when, and his next text is two days after, with no mention about our possible date) he’s either very unsure about everything, he has other options and I’m not a priority or he is manipulative 

Indeed, but look what it does to you! Agh, I was attracted to this guy, but he seems like he's only half-interested and is even talking about some other girl, how do I get his attention?

That's why I think it might be a game, but intentionally or not he holds all the cards now and has got you wondering and insecure. Unfortunately that scenario doesn't usually lead to a.successful relationship, casual or otherwise.

[irresolute]

2 minutes ago, FredEire said:

Indeed, but look what it does to you! Agh, I was attracted to this guy, but he seems like he's only half-interested and is even talking about some other girl, how do I get his attention?

That's why I think it might be a game, but intentionally or not he holds all the cards now and has got you wondering and insecure. Unfortunately that scenario doesn't usually lead to a.successful relationship, casual or otherwise.

Well, at least I’m not showing him how I’m feeling  

 

[Gaeta]

25 minutes ago, irresolute said:

Well, at least I’m not showing him how I’m feeling  

 

He doesn't care how you feel. You are the one experiencing disappointments and insecurity and you're stuck with feeling this way.

The way you feel should teach you something about yourself. Maybe you should not date emotionally unavailable men.

Edited August 17 by Gaeta

[irresolute]

43 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

He doesn't care how you feel. You are the one experiencing disappointments and insecurity and you're stuck with feeling this way.

The way you feel should teach you something about yourself. Maybe you should not date emotionally unavailable men.

At least I’m not feeling his ego anymore (gotta focus in the positive

[Gaeta]

10 minutes ago, irresolute said:

At least I’m not feeling his ego anymore (gotta focus in the positive

I'm trying to tell you that you should focus on yourself. Forget about his ego. 

[Alpacalia]

10 hours ago, FredEire said:

Actually the more I think about this question the more I think this girl doesn't actually exist. The comment seems designed to make you jealous and focused on winning him over.

If so, sadly it's working. 

Edited August 17 by Alpacalia

[Gebidozo]

9 hours ago, irresolute said:

At least I’m not feeling his ego anymore (gotta focus in the positive

You are still feeding his ego. By constantly talking about him and being obsessed with his behavior, trying to guess his reasons. You don’t need to show him how you feel. It’s not about him at all, it’s about you. You shouldn’t rely on thinking he is a loser or a player or whatever to feel good about yourself. That’s just another way of letting him control you. And he might not be either a loser or a player, he could be just a normal guy who tried to have something with you and it didn’t work out for whatever reason. Accept that and move on.

 

[Alpacalia]

20 hours ago, irresolute said:

Thank you. This is very helpful. The most important thing for me right now is to avoid getting caught in this fog again. Not replying makes me feel that I have the power. So I won’t reply 

I'm not going to say he's juggling the game, but let's be realistic -- he was shopping around for someone better, possibly legitimately better. Or he's fickle. Or he's one of those people who don't look past the tip of their nose because short term fatigue hits and they look for the shiniest new options because the game starts all over. 

It's okay, it happens. You aren't holding any cards or dropping the ball. You just weren't intended to be his partner. 

Let go of the need to have "the power" because it'll backfire. It's a default that only does more harm that it is worth. Trust in yourself.