I'd appreciate your input

[irresolute]

Hello LS community, 

I had a first date with a guy I met online. 
during the date, I noticed we connected, we had a deep conversation, we explored this weird concept of online dating and he also shared something about himself (I refrained myself from sharing anything related to my feelings for other men). But he chose to disclose something, his feelings and experiences, and I felt that, somehow, he was not that into me (because of what he shared and because he didn’t seem excited to get to know me, to ask me questions) it felt off to me. I still enjoyed the conversation. 
I noticed that he felt somehow disappointed at the end, maybe realizing that he had shared more than he should had, and we hugged goodbye. He wanted a kiss but I automatically (subconsciously??) moved my face away, not because I had planned to do that, nor because I don’t find him attractive, but more because I was not feeling that his level of interest was good enough for me. 
despite all odds, he contacted me and suggested a second date. 
id appreciate your thoughts on what do you think he may be thinking,  and I can share more of what I replied if you’d like.

thanks so much in advance 

Edited August 15, 2024 by irresolute
Correction

[FredEire]

It's a bit hard to say just based on what you posted, was what he shared that he still had feelings for another woman?

[irresolute]

4 minutes ago, FredEire said:

It's a bit hard to say just based on what you posted, was what he shared that he still had feelings for another woman?

Yes 

[smackie9]

15 minutes ago, irresolute said:

Yes 

Next!

[FredEire]

18 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

Next!

Agree. Maybe he was thinking it was better to be honest but I can't think of a much more unattractive or demeaning thing to say on a first date.

Was this someone he broke up with and is still getting over or someone he still actively wants to pursue? Both are bad but the second is even worse.

Edited August 15, 2024 by FredEire

[irresolute]

41 minutes ago, FredEire said:

Agree. Maybe he was thinking it was better to be honest but I can't think of a much more unattractive or demeaning thing to say on a first date.

Was this someone he broke up with and is still getting over or someone he still actively wants to pursue? Both are bad but the second is even worse.

Someone he still wants to pursue in the future. 

[FredEire]

1 hour ago, irresolute said:

Someone he still wants to pursue in the future. 

Yeah that's an absolute no then. I'd kind of understand if he'd had his heart broken and wanted to let you know he was still getting over it but that's just blatant disrespect on a first date. I wouldn't even consider seeing a girl again if she said that to me

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, irresolute said:

Someone he still wants to pursue in the future. 

No.  Going on a second date with him would just be making yourself a place holder for the girl he really wants.  He probably needs sex and can't get it from the girl he wants and will try to use you.  Next.

[irresolute]

Thank you. When he suggested a second date, he sent me a candid text with an explanation of why he cannot pursue his romantic interest at the moment. 
I have to add that  we are both looking for dating without expectations as we’re both going tru divorce.

 

would this change your views? Or this is still a “no”? 

[basil67]

What does "dating without expectations" mean?   

[FredEire]

5 minutes ago, irresolute said:

Thank you. When he suggested a second date, he sent me a candid text with an explanation of why he cannot pursue his romantic interest at the moment. 
I have to add that  we are both looking for dating without expectations as we’re both going tru divorce.

 

would this change your views? Or this is still a “no”? 

Depends, if you want a purely sexual relationship maybe it doesn't matter. Anything more than that he's basically telling you you would be a second option that he'll drop if thing progress with this other woman.

[irresolute]

4 minutes ago, basil67 said:

What does "dating without expectations" mean?   

It means that we’re both starting to navigate the dating world, gathering new experiences, getting to know people. 

[smackie9]

Don't lower your standards. 

[stillafool]

17 minutes ago, irresolute said:

Thank you. When he suggested a second date, he sent me a candid text with an explanation of why he cannot pursue his romantic interest at the moment. 
I have to add that  we are both looking for dating without expectations as we’re both going tru divorce.

 

would this change your views? Or this is still a “no”? 

No it would not.  I would have no interest in wasting my time with a man who has already told me he is into someone else.  I wouldn't take the risk.  With my luck, I might fall for him and then where would that leave me?

[irresolute]

2 minutes ago, stillafool said:

No it would not.  I would have no interest in wasting my time with a man who has already told me he is into someone else.  I wouldn't take the risk.  With my luck, I might fall for him and then where would that leave me?

That would be your only reason to decline a second date, the possibility that you’d fall for him? 
would you consider him falling for you? Or this is something that is uncommon? 

Edited August 15, 2024 by irresolute
Correction

[stillafool]

1 minute ago, irresolute said:

That would be your only reason to decline a second date, the possibility that you’d fall for him? 
would you consider him falling for you? Or this is something that is uncommon? 

I would have no interest it start dating a man to try to get him to have interest in me after he's already told me he's into someone else.  I would thank him for his honesty and decline.  I think it is uncommon if a man sees a woman he really wants to get to know to tell that woman he's into another woman.  Very uncommon.

[irresolute]

Just now, stillafool said:

I would have no interest it start dating a man to try to get him to have interest in me after he's already told me he's into someone else.  I would thank him for his honesty and decline.  I think it is uncommon if a man sees a woman he really wants to get to know to tell that woman he's into another woman.  Very uncommon.

We’ve only been in one date, I was not expecting for him to fall in love with me at that point. I also have a crush on my boss, but I’m not going to disclose this to him, nor I’m going to stop dating because I have feelings for my boss (unrequited love btw)

[FredEire]

10 minutes ago, irresolute said:

That would be your only reason to decline a second date, the possibility that you’d fall for him? 
would you consider him falling for you? Or this is something that is uncommon? 

I think starting off on the basis of chasing someone to get them more into you usually ends pretty badly, with you on the receiving end of the hurt.

Relationships, even casual ones, work when two people are on the same wavelength.

[MsJayne]

I doubt this love interest of his even exists, this is just a get-out-of-jail-free card so that, after you've slept with him a few times and you tell him you're getting feelings, he can pull out the card and say, "I told you I wasn't looking for a relationship". Then you would be ghosted and left feeling thoroughly manipulated and used. Any person who goes on a date, any date, doesn't matter whether it's a first date or a fiftieth, and sits there crapping on about another person they're into, isn't worth your time or energy. Think about it, you're here after only one date asking advice, that in itself is a great big red flag smacking you in the face. He's a sex-and-dump-her guy, and no woman should give these males sex  . 

[stillafool]

6 minutes ago, irresolute said:

We’ve only been in one date, I was not expecting for him to fall in love with me at that point. I also have a crush on my boss, but I’m not going to disclose this to him, nor I’m going to stop dating because I have feelings for my boss (unrequited love btw)

Of course not, why would you unless you were trying to let him know you will not be getting serious with him? That is a major red flag.  He doesn't care, he told you the truth and now it's up to you, but you can't say anything later because he's already told you what's up.

[irresolute]

3 minutes ago, MsJayne said:

I doubt this love interest of his even exists, this is just a get-out-of-jail-free card so that, after you've slept with him a few times and you tell him you're getting feelings, he can pull out the card and say, "I told you I wasn't looking for a relationship". Then you would be ghosted and left feeling thoroughly manipulated and used. Any person who goes on a date, any date, doesn't matter whether it's a first date or a fiftieth, and sits there crapping on about another person they're into, isn't worth your time or energy. Think about it, you're here after only one date asking advice, that in itself is a great big red flag smacking you in the face. He's a sex-and-dump-her guy, and no woman should give these males sex  . 

I don’t agree with this, I think he’s as naive as not being able to filter information and to sabotage himself. I don’t think he’s a player

[stillafool]

1 minute ago, irresolute said:

I don’t agree with this, I think he’s as naive as not being able to filter information and to sabotage himself. I don’t think he’s a player

Why does your mind tell you he's "naive" when he's told you his truth?  How old he?

[irresolute]

7 minutes ago, FredEire said:

I think starting off on the basis of chasing someone to get them more into you usually ends pretty badly, with you on the receiving end of the hurt.

Relationships, even casual ones, work when two people are on the same wavelength.

Can I give him the benefit of the doubt? 
the connection was good, can I still accept to see him again and see how it goes? 
I wouldn’t want to chase anyone. His text was very reflective of what happened during that first date and he even offered an explanation 

[MsJayne]

Just now, irresolute said:

I don’t agree with this, I think he’s as naive as not being able to filter information and to sabotage himself. I don’t think he’s a player

So he's just a poor socially inept fool? And after a couple of dates he'll forget this other woman because he'll be smitten with you? Even if this other woman does exist, why would you want to date someone who's pining for someone else? It's a recipe for a whole lot of hurt and regret. 

[irresolute]

2 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Why does your mind tell you he's "naive" when he's told you his truth?  How old he?

By the way he acted, very genuine. And seemed disappointed on himself once the date was coming to an end, disappointed that he didn’t filter that type of info.

He is 44 years old