Bf lashes out over normal conversation

[justpeachy3]

My bf and I have been together almost 14 years. To not make my first post way too long I will sum it up. But basically we fell madly in love when we met. I was so happy and he was too. Our relationship felt amazing and i felt so at peace. 3 years into our relationship we moved into our first apartment and I was so excited because I could see marriage, kids and a home in the near future. It felt like it was finally my turn to start a life with the man i loved. Right around the time I thought he was going to propose I started getting a bad feeling and eventually found out he had been talking to many other women sending them disturbing messages that I never in a million years thought he would have said to another woman. It broke me. I was devastated to say the least and my whole world came crashing down. Then shortly after I found out he also lied about being in the marines. He was never in the military at all. We split for a short time. He apologized and begged me to give him another chance and said how stupid he was and he had never really been in a healthy relationship and that he loved me so much and wanted to marry me and spend his life with me. So I went back to him. The next couple years were hard. We had good times but also really bad times. Because of the amount of lies he told and the massive amount of anxiety I developed because of everything I struggled a lot. He would get very angry at me when I didn't trust him or if i was really struggling with anxiety and needed reassurance.  He would scream at me and call me names and tell me he didn't want to be with someone like me and I was broken. But he would later apologize and say it just makes him so mad because he's a good man and that's the one thing he can't deal with in a relationship is when someone doesn't trust him. That he needed someone who would "get over all that" and move forward. And trust me I tried so hard! And I ended up pretty much hating myself because I was having such a hard time with it and I started believing something was wrong with me. All i wanted was for us to be happy again and get married and for all of that to be left in the past. A few things happened within these next few years that kind of broke my trust again and set me further back but it always somehow ended up being my fault and once again it was up to me to get over it and try my best to trust him. But this wasn't him all the time. He could also be very kind, we would laugh a lot together and we could have the best time together even just grocery shopping. He was always excited to see me when I came home and always was hugging and kissing me and telling me how much he loves me and how beautiful I am to him, etc. 

So, anyway we have really struggled with toxic communication over the years, name calling, gaslighting and from what my therapist tells me is emotional and mental abuse. The last few years we have really tried to get better at all of that and I can honestly say for the most part I have been trusting him. But honestly i still struggle sometimes and need a little extra reassurance. But nothing like it was years ago. I've never loved someone as deeply as him. And I have been hoping and praying for years that our relationship would get better and we would get married because marriage has always been very important to me. But here we are 14 years later and I just don't see it happening. When the subject comes up we end up arguing and it's always my fault that we aren't married. 

Yesterday I called him on my way home from work and there was a loud clicking/ popping noise on the line. I asked him what the noise was very nicely and he said he didn't know he thought it was my blinker. I said no it's on the phone line and he immediately got an attitude with me and starts lashing out and attempting to argue with me because i was trying to figure out what the noise was because it was hurting my ears. I never once accused him of lying or anything like that. He has done this to me for a long time where he gets angry out of nowhere at the most random things and it hurts my feelings a lot and I feel like I'm walking on eggshells. But he won't apologize or acknowledge it no matter how much I explain to him that it causes me chest pains and anxiety when he gets nasty over the most simple things. It's 4:00 now and we are still arguing. He tells me everything he can think of to criticize me instead of just making it better or acknowledging that it hurts me and is very stressful and that I should be treated with more respect. It's getting to the point where I can no longer handle it and it very much upsets me because I've asked him so many times to stop treating me like that.  A few months ago we argued 3 days in a row because every time i got on the phone with him he got nasty with me about something. The one day he said he was on his lunch break and was at some special burger place waiting for his order. So I said, "Oh, what kind of burger did you get?" He immediately got an attitude with me and in a nasty tone said, "IDK! A normal burger! I asked him what his problem was and he went on to explain that I asked a stupid question and he doesn't want to have to explain that while he's waiting for his food. I was extremely confused and hurt...

But that's what he does in these situations... he tells me my questions are weird, or basically I'm too dumb if I can't figure the answer out on my own. I really need help with this because I do not understand this kind of behavior. It's nothing new with him. But it slowed down for a while and he made all these promises he would treat me better and is already back to acting this way. I don't get it. Am I asking stupid questions? All I'm ever doing is just trying to have a normal conversation with him.

 

[stillafool]

Why  are you still with this guy?  As you can see after 14 years, nothing has changed.  If you stay another 14 years nothing is going to change.  This is who he is.  When you went back to him because he said he was going to marry you why didn't you leave when he didn't at least give you an engagement ring and certainly once you realized a marriage wasn't going to take place.  You didn't mention your ages and I'm curious what they are if you don't mind.  I'm surprised he hasn't physically abused you the way he talks to you.  I hope you find the courage and self respect to leave this man and get a better life for yourself.

[basil67]

1 hour ago, justpeachy3 said:

I really need help with this because I do not understand this kind of behavior.

You're asking the wrong question.   The question you should be asking is "why am staying in an abusive relationship?"   

Seriously, write a list of all the things this guy does to make you feel loved, cherished and safe.  And why is he a good partner to have?   Also, would you support your best friend or daughter to stay in a relationship which is like this?

[Gebidozo]

I can’t believe you stayed with this guy for 14 years. 

I understand giving a person a chance when they sincerely feel remorse and truly improve. But he hasn’t changed in so many years! His apologies aren’t worth anything, he just keeps abusing you and you let him do it.

Please, please break up him and remove him completely from your life. You must love and respect yourself, and you cannot do it while being in a relationship with this abusive liar.

[ShyViolet]

You have allowed this guy to abuse, gaslight and manipulate you for 14 years.  You need serious help.  You have already been going to therapy according to you, but it is apparently not helping that much because you still don't see that this man is toxic and you shouldn't be allowing this.  An emotionally healthy person would have left as soon as you first found out that he had been lying about those very big things.  I know you probably won't take this advice but you need to get out of this horrible relationship and do not date again until you get some serious therapy to work on this dysfunction.

[MsJayne]

Fourteen years!! 😨  You're way too nice for your own good. While your biological clock ticks away, faster and faster, this POS is sucking the life out of you. Please watch a series of videos produced by Dr Ramani Durvasula, and Dr Les Carter, on YouTube on the subject of narcissism. There's only one way to deal with people with this personality type, and that's to cut all contact with them.  It will be very painful, but worth when you come out the other end. In a perfect world a high-speed karma train would come along and run your boyfriend over, the next best thing is to cut all ties to them.

[BaileyB]

On 8/15/2024 at 3:13 PM, justpeachy3 said:

But that's what he does in these situations... he tells me my questions are weird, or basically I'm too dumb if I can't figure the answer out on my own. I really need help with this because I do not understand this kind of behavior.

Thats called gaslighting. It’s common in emotionally abusive relationships. 
 

On 8/15/2024 at 3:13 PM, justpeachy3 said:

Right around the time I found out he had been talking to many other women sending them disturbing messages that I never in a million years thought he would have said to another woman. Then shortly after I found out he also lied about being in the marines. He was never in the military at all. We split for a short time.

If only we could turn back time, this is when you should have left him and never gone back. 
 

On 8/15/2024 at 3:13 PM, justpeachy3 said:

I have been hoping and praying for years that our relationship would get better and we would get married because marriage has always been very important to me.

Marriage is not happening if you are 14 years into a relationship and he has never proposed. But that’s ok, because you do not want to marry this abuser - you need to leave this relationship. 

You need to educate yourself about abusive relationships and develop an exit strategy with someone who has experience with these kind of situations. Find another counsellor. Go to a women’s shelter. 
 

The only thing worse than spending 14 years struggling in an abusive relationship is spending 15 years… 16 years… 20 years…

Edited August 19 by BaileyB

[happyhorizons]

On 8/15/2024 at 4:35 PM, basil67 said:

You're asking the wrong question.   The question you should be asking is "why am staying in an abusive relationship?"   

Seriously, write a list of all the things this guy does to make you feel loved, cherished and safe.  And why is he a good partner to have?   Also, would you support your best friend or daughter to stay in a relationship which is like this?

THIS^^^never subject yourself to ANY sort of abusive behavior from anyone.  You do not deserve to be treated that way nor does anyone.