Dating a woman in her 50s - Been on vacation together for 10 days now and sleeping on the same bed, but have not been intimate yet. it is very frustrating! Why do you think this is?

[Zeus131313]

We are both in our 50s and have been in a long distance dating situation since April. Every month she travels to see me and for the first 3 times she has been staying in a hotel and we were meeting for dates both day and night. The last time we stayed together for 1 night although nothing happened.

We get on really well. We talk and laugh and have fun continuously.  We stay up talking till 5am sometimes. She refers to me as her boyfriend and has spoken openly about me to her friends and family. She has met and spoken to some of my friends again referring to herself as my girlfriend.

When we go for dinner or drinks we walk holding hands and she is tender and loving

This time we have vacationed for 10 days and slept on the same bed. We slept cuddling and holding each other but she rejected my initial advances of making out.

Considering how well we get on and that she considers us to be a couple I cannot understand why she does not want to be intimate.

I am good looking apparently and have a very successful professional career which gives me a comfortable lifestyle.

When we are not together and are at our separate cities we message maybe 20 times per day and we call at every opportunity,. Every night we talk on the phone until we are asleep. It is all romantic and nothing shows that i am being friend zoned

What should I do? When I voiced my questions she said that because she is a very intense person she has very intense feelings and needs to be certain before she gives herself to me.  However we are not kids and both have pasts.

[Gebidozo]

Has she at least given you an indication as to when approximately she’ll be ready to be intimate with you? Are you willing to wait longer?

To me, delaying intimacy for such a long time would be a dealbreaker, because it would indicate sexual incompatibility. It’s not about right and wrong, it’s about being compatible. 

[Zeus131313]

13 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

Has she at least given you an indication as to when approximately she’ll be ready to be intimate with you? Are you willing to wait longer?

To me, delaying intimacy for such a long time would be a dealbreaker, because it would indicate sexual incompatibility. It’s not about right and wrong, it’s about being compatible. 

No timeline was indicated but all I can see is that she is more and more open with her feelings and she is more and more romantic by the day.  Today for example she has phoned me around 5 or 6 times, a lot of messaging back and forth and it is still afternoon (i am in europe).

I genuinely really like her and I think this may lead somewhere if it wasnt for the intimacy issue,

[Gebidozo]

2 hours ago, Zeus131313 said:

No timeline was indicated but all I can see is that she is more and more open with her feelings and she is more and more romantic by the day.  Today for example she has phoned me around 5 or 6 times, a lot of messaging back and forth and it is still afternoon (i am in europe).

I genuinely really like her and I think this may lead somewhere if it wasnt for the intimacy issue,

Well, if you can bear that and wait longer, sure. To each their own. For me, five phone calls in one day would be a completely crazy thing. I don’t like phone calls at all, actually. And delaying sex like this would be a complete dealbreaker to me. People are different. If you can wait longer and are ok with that, there should be no problem for you here.

[ShyViolet]

You need to be able to have an open and honest conversation with her about what exactly she wants and why she hasn't allowed any sexual activity in this relationship so far.  It is perfectly normal to expect there to be a sexual component to a relationship.  It isn't shallow, it is a necessary part of a relationship.  It's what differentiates it from just being friends.  If she can't be clear with you about when exactly she thinks she'll be ready to add sex to this relationship then you would be perfectly justified in ending it.  And calling you 5 or 6 times in one day is just crazy and unnecessary.

[MsJayne]

Have you had a conversation about it with her? There could be a good reason, like if she's had brief relationships with men who were just in it for the sex and she's been left feeling used and is afraid of getting hurt again, or there could be a bad reason, like she's holding out for a wedding ring. Just straight up ask her what's going on and give her the opportunity to explain, that way you'll know where you stand and can decide whether you want to continue the relationship or not. 

[Helen A]

Well to me that sounds like a pretty boring person. 10 days on vacation on your own, new relationship…. Weird. 
 

I would speak to her and go from there, but to me, that’s totally odd especially in a new relationship. 

[BaileyB]

This is just me, but I wouldn’t go on a 10 day vacation with a man with the expectation that we are going to sleep in the same bed and NOT be intimate. 

It’s time for an open and honest discussion about expectations and the future of this relationship. 

[Kassieee]

How's your hygiene?

You might be musty on this vacation.

Edited August 31, 2024 by Kassieee

[Lotsgoingon]

You got to open your mouth and speak. That's what the human speaking ability is for--to resolve issues where we can't resolve them silently. 

If you can't raise this issue with her, then either you guys are not compatible or you are not mature enough to stand up for yourself in a relationship. 

You can't demand sex. But you do want to tell her that you want to be intimate with her and that you feel really close to her and you are confused as to why she is not comfortable having sex with you. Say all that!

There are all kinds of reasons she might be hesitant to have sex .She could have trauma around sex.  She could have herpes. She might think she has an ugly bod--lots of middle-age women are highly critical of their own bodies, to the point of shame and embarrassment. She might be and old-school woman who wants to say "no" multiple times and only relent after you persist in asking her. 

But you won't know unless you speak. Again, you language is that YOU want to have sex with her because you feel close to her. Oh, have you guys had the exclusivity talk?

 

[Gaeta]

I know a couple of women in their 50is who feel sex is something they give away and not something they share with someone. I've seen these women do the stipidest things like sleeping in same bed as the man and demanding no sex. For them it's a way to test if the nan has honest intention toward them. Which is none sense but that's what they think. I've also noticed these women don't really enjoy sex, it's more like a duty. I'm 58 and there is no freakin way l can lay next to a man l find attractive for 10 nights and l not jump on him! My point is these women don't have a lot of sex drive to begin with.

[petee]

Sadly Zeus has not been back in two weeks. I guess we'll never know.

[mortensorchid]

Have you asked her specifically why she's not responding?  If you are doing a LTR with each traveling it was wise for the traveler to stay in a hotel.  But ask yourself if this is what you really want to do.  Hope you get an answer from her, otherwise this sounds a bit odd to say the least.

[petee]

7 hours ago, mortensorchid said:

Have you asked her specifically why she's not responding?  If you are doing a LTR with each traveling it was wise for the traveler to stay in a hotel.  But ask yourself if this is what you really want to do.  Hope you get an answer from her, otherwise this sounds a bit odd to say the least.

They were last here 15 days ago. Sadly I don't think you will get an answer.

[Sony12]

Yep. Hasn't seemed to log on since he made the thread. Appears to be just one of those drive by's  that starts a thread either for shits and giggles or they are just trying to blow off some steam in that moment.

Edited September 1, 2024 by Sony12

[smackie9]

Stupid people make stupid choices. Date those who treat you the way you expect to be treated. Should have booted her to the curb since day one.

[fred123]

On 8/31/2024 at 8:35 PM, Gaeta said:

I know a couple of women in their 50is who feel sex is something they give away and not something they share with someone. I've seen these women do the stipidest things like sleeping in same bed as the man and demanding no sex. For them it's a way to test if the nan has honest intention toward them. Which is none sense but that's what they think. I've also noticed these women don't really enjoy sex, it's more like a duty. I'm 58 and there is no freakin way l can lay next to a man l find attractive for 10 nights and l not jump on him! My point is these women don't have a lot of sex drive to begin with.

Could it also be that they aren't into the guy sexually?

[Gaeta]

2 minutes ago, fred123 said:

Could it also be that they aren't into the guy sexually?

A woman in her 50s with a healthy sex drive and healthy sex view would not lay in a bed for 10 days with a man she does not find sexually attractive.

In this context these women have low libido.

[bpb2017]

On 8/17/2024 at 11:10 AM, Zeus131313 said:

We have vacationed for 10 days and slept on the same bed. We slept cuddling and holding each other but she rejected my initial advances of making out.

All that and not even 'making out'. Yikes.

I hate to bring this up, but given your ages there are only 2 possibilities.

• She's asexual or a lesbian, but finds it too disruptive to accept, given her generation.
• She's not actually physically attracted to you (remember that actions speak louder than words)