Is someone else making him happier?

[Crystalm27]

I’ve was dating this guy for almost 3 years but we’ve had a few bumps in the roads, I kept on makings bad decisions because I was careless and I’d go out with my single friends to bars without him while he stayed home by himself and he’d cry himself to sleep and all he wanted me to do is treat him right but he was going to hurt himself over it. I had to give him time to work on himself, I broke up with him because he was too reliant on me for his happiness but we were still trying to work things out until he saw I had a guy friends name on my phone and I saw someone else name as well on his. He told me about her before but he told me he walked up to her at the gym to learn about her Islamic culture and being a Muslim. But I saw the texts messages too and it was him asking her how her day was and how was studying and asking if they would see eachother later at the gym and he brought her candy from Kuwait but he never brought me anything. I asked him if he was still talking to her a few months later and he said no but he lied I saw she was on the most recent messages list at the top. I asked him if he would unfollow if they don’t even talk anymore and if she actually doesn’t mean anything like he told me, but he still wouldn’t. Anyways, a month later we begin talking again and our love never went away for eachother but it continued hurting him that I could be with another guy and ever since then he hasn’t trusted me and now he doesn’t want to talk to me because he thinks it’s not going anywhere no matter how much time and thought I put into him, I’m just scared I love someone and want to spend the rest of my life with someone who doesn’t love me anymore or doesn’t want to be with me, and if he could just replace me. 

Edited August 17, 2024 by Crystalm27

[Gebidozo]

OP, I don’t understand some of the details.

Did you cheat on him when you were together with him? Or did you sleep with another man while you were separated? What is it exactly that he can’t get over?

Going to a bar with friends is perfectly normal. Unless you were doing it all the time and didn’t spend evenings with your BF at all, there should have been no reason for “crying oneself to sleep”. If he disapproved of your lifestyle that much he could have just broken up with you. 

He was clearly too needy and fit for a co-dependent relationship. He lied about contacting that other girl. He sounds like an immature, insecure person. Plus, for whatever reason, he doesn’t want to be with you now. Why don’t you try to find someone more compatible?

Edited August 18, 2024 by Gebidozo

[Gebidozo]

Just now, Gebidozo said:

OP, I don’t understand some of the details.

Did you cheat on him when you were together with him? Or did you sleep with another man while you were separated? What is it exactly  that he can’t get over?

Going to a bar with friends is perfectly normal. Unless you were doing it all the time and didn’t spend evenings with your BF at all, there should have been no reason for “crying oneself to sleep”. If he disapproved of your lifestyle that much he could have just broken up with you. 

He was clearly too needy and fit for a co-dependent relationship. He lied about contacting that other girl. He sounds like an immature, insecure person. Plus, for whatever reason, he doesn’t want to be with you now. Why don’t you try to find someone more compatible?

 

[Crystalm27]

10 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

OP, I don’t understand some of the details.

Did you cheat on him when you were together with him? Or did you sleep with another man while you were separated? What is it exactly that he can’t get over?

Going to a bar with friends is perfectly normal. Unless you were doing it all the time and didn’t spend evenings with your BF at all, there should have been no reason for “crying oneself to sleep”. If he disapproved of your lifestyle that much he could have just broken up with you. 

He was clearly too needy and fit for a co-dependent relationship. He lied about contacting that other girl. He sounds like an immature, insecure person. Plus, for whatever reason, he doesn’t want to be with you now. Why don’t you try to find someone more compatible?

I never cheated on him, but I just wouldn’t come home at all that night, I wouldn’t answer his calls because he would spam me and I’d end up showing up in the morning. he just never liked the idea of going out and drinking because he knows that guys go to bars for mainly one thing and girls over there like the attention from it, but I just liked having fun with my friends. She’d only ever want to go out and drink and stay out all night while I was living with my boyfriend at that time. Most of those friends aren’t my friends anymore and I realized only when they left me that they made me a careless person who just loved going out and drinking, and I changed for the better I care for myself more than that now. But the reason why he was so against alcohol is because his mom was an alcoholic and got arrested for drugs while he was very young, the mom was dealing with the grief of his dad committing suicide, and he’s the one that found his dad after when he was 5 yrs old.

About 6 months ago he saw another guy in my car, he was just friend. But he was still hurt by it because we were trying to fix everything and try to be together again, he told me he doesn’t know what happened or what I did, all he has is my words to tell him what happened. He was thinking the worst. He said he just needs time when I asked him to give me reassurance that I’m the only one, and that he’s not giving up on the love we’ve always had. I showed him weekend after weekend driving to him buying the food doing anything I can to make him happy and feel appreciated .but every time I mentioned why he can’t lift a finger for me or atleast not be too busy for me to “free up his schedule” and when he’s free I have to hurry to him. I’d ask him to put me on top of hanging out with his friends all the time all he said is “I want to try. It’s hard, I just can’t” but follows that he still loves me, and we both deserve to be happy.

Edited August 18, 2024 by Crystalm27

[Gebidozo]

There is nothing wrong with going to bars with friends or meeting a guy who is just a friend.

I don’t quite understand why you’d consider wanting that ex-BF of yours back. He sounds like an insecure, needy, whiny, jealous, controlling, immature, weak character. 

You did nothing wrong yet you feel the need to pamper him and comfort him? Why? For what? Are you so insecure that you’d rather be with him than just wait and find a more attractive man?

[assertives]

I have a slightly different take on this from the above poster. Staying out all night after going to the bar and drinking with friends is careless and frankly, thoughtless behaviour towards your boyfriend. I highly doubt many guys will be perfectly ok with this. Drinking with friends is fine to a point, but to stay out all night and remain uncontactable is not. If the situation was reversed, and your boyfriend chooses to spend time with his friends drinking and out all night, and wouldn't answer calls or texts, would you be comfortable with this?

Also, was this a one time occurrence? Or a repeated one despite him bringing it up to you? My guess is the trust is already broken, and it has also changed how he feels about you, which didn't help when he spots you spending time alone with another guy afterwards. He may still have feelings for you, but I think he's checking out and may or may not be aware that he's mentally making preparations to leave for good. If you really wanted to be with someone/love someone, you'd choose to spend more time with them and not spend lesser time with them. At this point, there isn't anything you can do about it. He's right that both of you deserve to be happy, perhaps both of you are better off finding partners that are better suited to your lifestyles and priorities.

As an aside note for future relationships, it's good to be proactive about having proper boundaries and be considerate to your partner when you are in a relationship. This is not about whether he trusts or should trust you or not, but rather, it's a sign of showing respect and consideration to your partner. Making compromises for each other's preference/comfort level/tolerance to an issue is also part and parcel of that.

Edited August 19, 2024 by assertives

[MsJayne]

There's nothing wrong with going out with friends, but if you're living with a partner and you regularly stay out all night partying that's enough reason for your partner to be justifiably angry. Crying into his pillow about it is a bit much, but can you not see why he wasn't thoughtful towards you when you were being so disrespectful towards him and your relationship? When you're in a committed relationship that person comes before your friends, so when your drinking buddy says "Don't be a party pooper, stay out all night with me", you have to have the balls to say, "No, it causes problems in my relationship". If she has a problem with that she's not really your friend, she's just an airhead who wants a drinking buddy. Compatibility's important, if you're very social and like going out a lot but he's a homebody, you need to work out what's acceptable and what's not, and what's more important you, and if you can't reach a fair agreement and stick to it you may as well call it quits. You're worrying about his relationship with another girl, and you're annoyed that he bought her a thoughtful gift because he never did that for you, but maybe your behaviour didn't inspire him to be thoughtful towards you when you were being so selfish towards him  . 

[NuevoYorko]

You didn't prioritize the relationship, so it failed.