I should know better

[I_should_know_better]

Sorry I apologize in advance for this extra long post. My affair partner and I have been seeing each other now for about 8 months. We are both married for about 25 yrs with 2 children. Met online on Ashley Madison (I know absolutely shameful). But anyways when we started hooking up we both agreed to be “exclusive” only to each other minus our slides (I know sounds ridiculous) but birthed of us wanted to jump around from person to person. So fast forward to being about 2 months into the relationship he asks me if I still go on AM. I would go on and check every now and then and see that he had log on within the last 24 hrs so ofc it makes me paranoid despite him telling me I’m the only one he’s talking to and isn’t looking for anyone else. He also noticed I had changed some of my pics on my profile since we had started hooking up. So I offered to delete my account. In the beginning after we started sleeping together he would only contact me for that purpose despite him preaching he wanted a friend ship and not just sex. So when I brought this to his attention he has since then made an effort and we communicate now at least 3-4 times a week and not just for sex. Or I’ll say he contacts me 3-4 times a week because I can never initiate contact… I have to wait for him to contact me first. So naturally during this time I got curious, created another profile on AM. It was initially to log in to see how often he would go on but then of course I started scrolling again , I still til this day don’t know why because I never intended to meet up with anyone else. I guess it was because I was bored. But anyways come to find he was logging in pretty much everyday still. But then he decides to I guess create a fake profile and requests my pics and when I send them he confronts me and ask if I still go on. I initially lied which idk why but finally fessed up and said because I didn’t trust him when he told me he only wanted to me and  wanted to see how frequent he went on and curiosity got the best of me. I had had never met up with anyone nor exchanged conversation. 

I was in complete shock in this moment because he appeared to actually be hurt because in his mind he said I was still looking and we had the agreement that if we wanted to talk to other people all we had to do was just say it.   So we were able to move past this and I can honestly say he hasn’t brought this up again or held it over my head and this happened in May. 
 

Now I know I’m a smart girl. And before I got into this situation I despised women like me. This is the first time I have ever stepped outside of my marriage with anyone. So fast to the last month. I started noticing after not being on the site for about 2 months he started logging in again on a pretty regular basis. When he discovered I was back on again in May, I asked him how it was he discovered my profile out of all the profiles and he says he put in certain factors and knows me well and saw the profiles that popped up. That we were new in the relationship and it was his way of “checking to make himself build my trust because of how we met and to make sure everything was ok” and he ran across this new profile I created. Now this never sat well with me… ofc the only reason he was on is because he was looking for other potential women 🤦🏾‍♀️. 
 

So this profile I created now in July I out fake pics. And decide to send him a request to see if he would bite. And lo and behold he sent over his pics without hesitation. And he loaded a new pic which I’ve never seen before. So I take it a step further and message him. Idk if it’s that the pic I sent isn’t his type but he never responded to my message. Which I’m kinda relieved but again why is he still exchanging  pics? 
 

Deep down I know what I need to do but why can’t I do it? I feel so helpless when it comes to him. We both know we will never leave our partners and have made it clear that if by some miracle we are ever single at the same time we could never be together because of the way we met. 

So I guess my question is: Is this normal affair partner behavior? Should I be upset if he’s on there  looking again without telling me or should  I just enjoy this situation ship for what it is in the moment? It seems like there’s times he really does try and views me as a friend but then there’s other times I feel by the things he says he just views me as a sexual object to fill a need. Which again, I know how we met and this is to be expected. I have given him I guess you would say an easy way out by offering to cut the friendship portion out and to only communicate when we wanna hook up and he says that’s not what he wants over and over again. Am I expecting too much? Or is he just bread crumbing me to keep me around until he finds the next girl 😩
 

 

[BaileyB]

41 minutes ago, I_should_know_better said:

Or is he just bread crumbing me to keep me around until he finds the next girl 😩

I would say, chances are good that he’s already met the next girl. I would assume based on the fact that he’s still contacting women and exchanging pictures on a married people website that he’s engaging with other women. 
 

41 minutes ago, I_should_know_better said:

In the beginning after we started sleeping together he would only contact me for that purpose despite him preaching he wanted a friend ship and not just sex. So when I brought this to his attention he has since then made an effort and we communicate now at least 3-4 times a week and not just for sex. Or I’ll say he contacts me 3-4 times a week because I can never initiate contact…

Girl, he is not your friend. He is a married man on a website for married people looking for casual sex. If you want to engage in casual sex, that’s your choice… But, I would ask - why are you not allowed to contact him? Why are you sitting by your phone waiting for him to message you when he wants to meet for sex? This man who is clearly lying to you about the fact that he’s propositioning other women for sex. Don’t you have more self respect than this? 

You seem more concerned about losing your affair partner than you do about losing your marriage and the respect of your children. That’s messed up - don’t you think? 

 

 

Edited August 18 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, I_should_know_better said:

Deep down I know what I need to do but why can’t I do it? I feel so helpless when it comes to him.

This is not about him. You have known this man for a handful of months - this is not about him, it’s all about you…

Something has gone really wrong for you if/when you find yourself in this situation making really poor decisions and giving your power to a man this way…

I’m sorry to say this, but you say that you are a smart woman… this is about as dumb a decision as a woman can make. You are due for a serious reality check. If you value your marriage and your family, you need to find yourself a counsellor and figure out what’s going on inside you that lead you to this place… And if you are not going to do that, you need to tell your husband the truth of his marriage. You should actually do that regardless… Hopefully you are not still having sex with him and exposing him to goodness knows what kind of sexually transmitted disease. You may have decided to be “faithful” to your affair partner but he has certainly not done the same. 

 

Edited August 18 by BaileyB

[smackie9]

Well it didn't work out. Make mental note, if a man is on one of these sites, he's probably looking for many options. BUT this was your first try at something. We all have tunnel vision, and excitement, to be so desired, that dopamine release in our brain can make us lose all common sense, so stop beating yourself up. Life isn't without lessons...it makes us grow, be more wise...these things happen for a reason. Just up to you to figure out where you go from here. 

[ExpatInItaly]

On 8/18/2024 at 10:25 PM, I_should_know_better said:

Am I expecting too much?

Yes. This is not a relationship and you have developed feelings. It's time to cut the cord completely. 

On 8/18/2024 at 10:25 PM, I_should_know_better said:

Or is he just bread crumbing me to keep me around until he finds the next girl

I think you need to assume he's already met her. And maybe more than one. He appears to be pretty active on the site so I would bet the farm you are not the only one he's stepped out with. 

You are going to have to do the hard thing and stop all of this.