Calmandfocused Posted August 19 Share Posted August 19 Hi loveshackers. Feeling a bit used and admittedly very foolish. This is a new one for me in the sense that this has never happened to me before. Very sneaky on his part and I’m fuming to be honest ….. Last weekend I had a very successful first date, after which I needed to do my weekly grocery shop (only chance I was going to get). Anyway, he shocked me by offering to come with me “to help”. Couldn’t see any reason why not so I agreed. Long story short he piled my trolley high with his own items, put them on the line with mine and I ended up paying for them! His items came to about $100 and he said he’d “sort me out” later. Well he didn’t sort me out. He didn’t offer me the money back nor did he mention it again. We were due for a second date which I cancelled because I strongly suspect he isn’t over his ex. However I’m now pondering on what to do. Do I contact him and ask him to reimburse me for the money I spent? Or do I let it go? What would you do? Part of me is quite impressed by this little scam. I certainly didn’t see this one coming. I thought his gesture to accompany me was to show me what a “relationship” type of guy he is. Never occurred to me that it would be taken as an opportunity to be used. stupid I know 😔 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted August 19 Share Posted August 19 I would have asked for my money as soon as he collected his things out of the bags. Why didn't you ask for it then? 4 Link to post Share on other sites
ShyViolet Posted August 19 Share Posted August 19 13 minutes ago, Calmandfocused said: Long story short he piled my trolley high with his own items, put them on the line with mine and I ended up paying for them! His items came to about $100 and he said he’d “sort me out” later. Well he didn’t sort me out. He didn’t offer me the money back nor did he mention it again. I find this whole thing very strange..... so you let him put his stuff together with yours at checkout, and you didn't even SAY anything? You just went ahead and paid for it? I wouldn't have let it get that far. I would have separated my items from theirs before the cashier even started to ring it up, and been like "Ok, these are mine and those are yours". Why would you just go along with this and not say anything? 15 minutes ago, Calmandfocused said: However I’m now pondering on what to do. Do I contact him and ask him to reimburse me for the money I spent? Or do I let it go? What would you do? So you never even asked him to pay you back, you just stayed quiet? Why would you not ask? 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted August 19 Share Posted August 19 What the heck calmandfocused! You need to know how to say NO!! When it was time to pay you tell him to go ahead first and pay his things! Any other wishy washy requests for you to pay is NO. Text him to e-transfer you your money otherwise you will be sending your brother/father/cousin after him. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Calmandfocused Posted August 19 Author Share Posted August 19 Great questions. On reflection I think it was all pre planned. His stuff was all jumbled up in mine. Dont forget there was a lot. So he suggested just to dump it all together and he’ll sort me out once I paid. Adding into the fact that the cashier was treating us like a couple, he was acting Mr sociable, and there were other customers about it didn’t feel appropriate to be asking for the money right then. The shopping was split in the car park, mine in my boot his in his. No offer of payment. When we spoke the following day it was awkward. He said he didn’t get his chips and they must have ended up in my bag but that’s all he said about it. it felt awkward to say “well when are you gong to pay me back?” and would probably look unreasonable on my part. As I said I feel very stupid. Should have never have happened. Had I known he wanted his own shopping I would have suggested getting his own trolley to begin with. But he said nothing about wanting anything himself beforehand and he wanted to push my trolley so he could be the “gentleman” 🫣 it was all very weird I’m afraid Link to post Share on other sites
Author Calmandfocused Posted August 19 Author Share Posted August 19 10 minutes ago, Gaeta said: What the heck calmandfocused! You need to know how to say NO!! When it was time to pay you tell him to go ahead first and pay his things! Any other wishy washy requests for you to pay is NO. Text him to e-transfer you your money otherwise you will be sending your brother/father/cousin after him. Trust me Gaeta, if I could kick my own backside I would. I’m way more astute than this. I can usually smell a rat a mile off. I’m so ashamed this happened that I’ve told no one in real life. It’s not like me to take my eye off the ball like this. I was more flabbergasted by the fact that a man had offered to come shopping with me on our first date. So you would contact him then to ask for it back? Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted August 19 Share Posted August 19 5 minutes ago, Calmandfocused said: and would probably look unreasonable on my part. Why? He's a stranger you've never met before. Why was it unreasonable to ask your $100 back. We're not talking $5 here. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
introverted1 Posted August 19 Share Posted August 19 2 minutes ago, Calmandfocused said: So you would contact him then to ask for it back? Yep. i'd say, please paypal/venmo/whatever me the $100 for the groceries and give him the appropriate info to do so. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted August 19 Share Posted August 19 4 minutes ago, Calmandfocused said: So you would contact him then to ask for it back? You bet I would ask it back! I am sure, like everybody, you work hard to earn your money. You decide on who you'll spend it. This guy is a thief. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Marka Posted August 19 Share Posted August 19 i would just say: here is my paypal, can you pls transfer me money i spent for your grocery, it is $100, let me know if you d like to see a receipt. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Calmandfocused Posted August 19 Author Share Posted August 19 Well no one here is saying let it go! Sounds like you’re all in agreement. I’ve just sent him a message with instructions on how to pay. What’s the betting it’s ignored? 😉 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted August 19 Share Posted August 19 (edited) 20 minutes ago, Calmandfocused said: Well no one here is saying let it go! Sounds like you’re all in agreement. I’ve just sent him a message with instructions on how to pay. What’s the betting it’s ignored? 😉 Do you know where he lives or works? Edited August 19 by Gaeta 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted August 19 Share Posted August 19 You can try to ask, but honestly if he doesn't respond there isn't all that much that you can legally do. In the future it's definitely better to nip it in the bud - don't let anyone put their stuff in your checkout, and if they don't listen when you tell them not to, call staff. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Marka Posted August 19 Share Posted August 19 52 minutes ago, Calmandfocused said: What’s the betting it’s ignored? i would call it expensive lesson then 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Calmandfocused Posted August 19 Author Share Posted August 19 35 minutes ago, Gaeta said: Do you know where he lives or works? Yes. I also know how to contact his ex wife who he is still chummy with. That’s a separate topic but he tells her everything - another red flag. What are you suggesting? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Calmandfocused Posted August 19 Author Share Posted August 19 34 minutes ago, Els said: You can try to ask, but honestly if he doesn't respond there isn't all that much that you can legally do. In the future it's definitely better to nip it in the bud - don't let anyone put their stuff in your checkout, and if they don't listen when you tell them not to, call staff. 100% agree with you. I let my guard down and I paid the price - literally. Link to post Share on other sites
happyhorizons Posted August 19 Share Posted August 19 2 hours ago, Calmandfocused said: Trust me Gaeta, if I could kick my own backside I would. I’m way more astute than this. I can usually smell a rat a mile off. I’m so ashamed this happened that I’ve told no one in real life. It’s not like me to take my eye off the ball like this. I was more flabbergasted by the fact that a man had offered to come shopping with me on our first date. So you would contact him then to ask for it back? Yes, this was pre-planned. What a weirdo do something like that. Drop this guy like a bad habit. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted August 19 Share Posted August 19 1 hour ago, Calmandfocused said: What are you suggesting? Maybe because l work with money it's always been easier for me to guard my waller than my heart. I would not let him off the hook easily. If he doesn't pay back l would tell him l know where he lives & and where he works and l would not hesitate to embarass him. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
MsJayne Posted August 19 Share Posted August 19 If he doesn't transfer the $ to you within a couple of days I'd contact his workplace and leave a polite message for him. A bit of humiliation can go a long way. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mortensorchid Posted August 20 Share Posted August 20 Wow, just wow. That is a new one! I'm sorry that this happened to you, truly. It is strange that someone would request that of another person - to go along while grocery shopping and then scam them for it like that. I knew a gal who gave her credit cards to people. Why? She wanted to be loved, I guess. But I digress... I guess there is nothing you can do but just move on. Having a bill over your head is bad but ... You'll never hear from him again will you? Link to post Share on other sites
Gebidozo Posted August 20 Share Posted August 20 10 hours ago, MsJayne said: If he doesn't transfer the $ to you within a couple of days I'd contact his workplace and leave a polite message for him. A bit of humiliation can go a long way. I like this advice. OP, you could also contact his ex-wife or any common acquaintances and generally make this public knowledge. Such behavior should be exposed. Who knows how many women he’d scam like that knowing that they are too shy and uncomfortable to demand their money back. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted August 20 Share Posted August 20 17 hours ago, Calmandfocused said: We were due for a second date which I cancelled because I strongly suspect he isn’t over his ex. I wouldn’t date him again because he’s a scam artist. I don’t think you are going to get that money back… I would move on, lesson learned. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted August 20 Share Posted August 20 (edited) I don't know where you live, but in my jurisdiction, contacting their workplace or ex-wife or anything like that can potentially be illegal if it falls under stalking or harassment. And threatening to send male friends/relatives to beat him up is DEFINITELY illegal. He could get you into legal trouble if you do that, which sucks when you're not the one at fault, but it's just how it is. Honestly... it's just $100. If he doesn't respond, I'd just move on. It's not worth the time, headspace and risk, IMO. If you really want, you can try to do something that's 100% legal like naming and shaming on social media or sending your story to media outlets in hopes of a bite, but again I don't think it's worth the effort. Edited August 20 by Els 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted August 20 Share Posted August 20 (edited) 28 minutes ago, Els said: I don't know where you live, but in my jurisdiction, contacting their workplace or ex-wife or anything like that can potentially be illegal if it falls under stalking or harassment. To be considered stalking and harassment there is a need for it to be repetitive. We're not suggesting she harasses him, we're suggesting she humiliates him and then walks away. I never said to send relatives to 'beat him up'. She can send a male relative to collect her money. Just that is enough to intimidate a little punk like him. Men like him are weak. I truly believe that's the problem with these predators, they always aim at women with no/little support network because they know there won't be any consequences, usually these victims have no fathers and brothers around to protect them. Edited August 20 by Gaeta Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted August 20 Share Posted August 20 Well, my perspective is that you tacitly permitted this to happen by being completely passive. It's going to be more complicated now that you went along with his deal so complacently, but I hope you can recoup. Do you generally let people walk over you in your other facets of life? Is it hard for you to stand up for yourself with men in other situations? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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