I've been used. What would you do?

[Samantha Corrales]

One thing that I'm surprised was not mentioned was why in God's name would you agree to have a man you were on a FIRST date with go food shopping with you?

That by itself is kinda nuts in my opinion.

That was your first mistake. 

If me I would have said "thanks I had a lovely time, but I'd prefer to do my shopping on my own."

That was so inappropriate imo, I've never even heard of that let alone a woman agreeing to it.

Anyway lesson learned, right?

Let the $100 go and move on.  Learn from it. 

[maggiemtn]

I totally disagree with anyone saying contact his work/ex/etc. You sent a message asking for payment, if he pays, great. If not, consider it a lesson. You got played. Sucks, but I’d move on and learn from it instead of wasting energy into someone who clearly scammed you so the chances of him repaying you are slim to none. 

[Calmandfocused]

1 hour ago, Samantha Corrales said:

One thing that I'm surprised was not mentioned was why in God's name would you agree to have a man you were on a FIRST date with go food shopping with you?

That by itself is kinda nuts in my opinion.

That was your first mistake. 

If me I would have said "thanks I had a lovely time, but I'd prefer to do my shopping on my own."

That was so inappropriate imo, I've never even heard of that let alone a woman agreeing to it.

Anyway lesson learned, right?

Let the $100 go and move on.  Learn from it. 

You’re right. I was shocked that he offered to come but he framed it as wanting to spend more time with me. I didn’t consider the ulterior motive. Didn’t occur to me.

At the time it wasn’t a question of why would I let him, it was a question of why wouldn’t I? Not a proposition I’ve ever had before. 
 

My ex husband did not come shopping with me once in 10 years of marriage. Maybe I just wanted to see what it felt like to have a guy accompany me doing a mundane but essential task 🤷‍♀️. Maybe that was it subconsciously. 

 

[Gaeta]

@Calmandfocuseddid you contact him?

[NuevoYorko]

5 hours ago, happyhorizons said:

I do not see it this way at all. I think the OP did not want to cause an issue at the store and genuinely thought this guy. would pay her back.. I think the passive behavior you site is more kindness and consideration.

You're entitled to your opinion, but it's very important for ALL of us to learn to advocate for ourselves.   If it's more important to someone to avoid an unpleasant scene in a store or an uncomfortable exchange with a virtual stranger than to have their  money reimbursed to them - they are not doing a good job of looking out for themselves.  Evidently they will be learning the hard way.

[bpb2017]

There is no scam going on. It seems that in his mind he was going to see you again, so no big deal he'll pay you back next time or maybe pay for the 2nd date.

But then you cancelled the 2nd date, so it seems any past costs that happened during your encounter are now void, at least to him.

Imagine if the genders were reversed. Pursuing it would be like if a guy chased you up on uber fare for the ride you asked get home, after he decided to not meet up again.

I would let it go.

 

Edited August 20, 2024 by bpb2017

[NuevoYorko]

2 hours ago, Calmandfocused said:

At the time it wasn’t a question of why would I let him, it was a question of why wouldn’t I? Not a proposition I’ve ever had before. 
 

Here's one good reason:  You said you had decided he wasn't over his ex and for that reason would not go out with him a second time.  Since this was your point of view, why have him shopping with you?  Much less putting his stuff in your cart and you paying for it?   

Anyway, I would text him your paypal and the total amount.  If you don't get the $ consider it a lesson learned.

[NuevoYorko]

5 hours ago, Calmandfocused said:

Woah! I can tell that you haven’t read any of my previous posts/ threads. If you had you’d know I’m not passive at all . I’ve no issue with asserting myself. Quite the opposite. 
 

I have posted & read some of your threads.  I recall one where you were considering dating a man who appeared to be an obvious alcoholic as of the first date.   In some ways this would fall into a similar category of not putting yourself and your well being first when in dating situations.  

I don't want to pick on you so I won't carry on in this vein but I do think you ought to take a look at it.

[Gaeta]

13 minutes ago, bpb2017 said:

There is no scam going on. It seems that in his mind he was going to see you again, so no big deal he'll pay you back next time or maybe pay for the 2nd date.

In what world is it ok to finance this man's grocery for any lenght of time!! They're not dating, they're strangers. You bet he scammed her! Big time! He knew he would do that when he asked to follow her to the grocery store.

[NuevoYorko]

10 minutes ago, happyhorizons said:

I disagree with this^….he should have paid immediately or quickly thereafter. I do not think that it ever dawned on the OP that he would not pay her back . Scammed, taken advantage of whatever you wanna call it, he did it to her. There is no explanation that will make this appropriate behavior on his part to her or anyone else.

Is anyone here trying to make it "appropriate behavior"?   No way.  But, the OP is surely responsible for her part in the results.  If she was more concerned with being  "kind and considerate," then the guy picked a very good mark for his scam if that's indeed what it was.

I think that most of us would not have "fronted" over $100 to a person we had only just met.   That does not mean that we are not kind or considerate.  We just would not.

That all said, he thought they were going out again, evidently, and maybe he intended to take care of it at that time.  Since the OP doesn't want to, she will need to approach it differently.

[Calmandfocused]

10 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

I have posted & read some of your threads.  I recall one where you were considering dating a man who appeared to be an obvious alcoholic as of the first date.   In some ways this would fall into a similar category of not putting yourself and your well being first when in dating situations.  

I don't want to pick on you so I won't carry on in this vein but I do think you ought to take a look at it.

This is incorrect. I didn’t know from the first date he was an alcoholic, it was following a pattern of behaviour that I became aware of the extent of the problem. 
 

I stopped seeing him and told him why. Complete denial but not much I can do about that. The point is I aborted mission when it was clear it was not in my best interest to continue.

[bpb2017]

8 minutes ago, happyhorizons said:

I disagree with this^….he should have paid immediately or quickly thereafter. I do not think that it ever dawned on the OP that he would not pay her back . Scammed, taken advantage of whatever you wanna call it, he did it to her. There is no explanation that will make this appropriate behavior on his part to her or anyone else.

It's not appropriate, but it's just one of those things. I'd never do it, and I'm sure virtually all men wouldn't, but the answer is to just let it go.

Asking for reimbursement for anything after a date is just tacky.

[Calmandfocused]

At the time of the shopping incident I didn’t know this guy was so hung up on his ex. Mentioned her briefly and in passing  but nothing that got any red flags waving. 
 

We had a few face time calls after the first date, two of which he spoke about his ex persistently. I tried changing the subject but every conversation was brought back to her. He couldn’t drop it. 
 

Big red flag! . Hence I cancelled the second date. I’m not interested in playing second fiddle to another woman and I need any man I date to be emotionally available at the very least, 

[bpb2017]

6 minutes ago, Calmandfocused said:

At the time of the shopping incident I didn’t know this guy was so hung up on his ex. Mentioned her briefly and in passing  but nothing that got any red flags waving. 
 

We had a few face time calls after the first date, two of which he spoke about his ex persistently. I tried changing the subject but every conversation was brought back to her. He couldn’t drop it. 
 

Big red flag! . Hence I cancelled the second date. I’m not interested in playing second fiddle to another woman and I need any man I date to be emotionally available at the very least, 

All makes sense, but this is the world of dating and life.

When you were at the checkout it would have been weird if you said no. Even if you didn't trust him I'm sure it would have been weird. On his side he's disappointed that you cancelled the second date, even with your good reason, and probably doesn't like the idea of reimbursing for anything that occurred during your encounter.

Life lesson. Let it go.

[Calmandfocused]

@Gaetayes I sent him a text with the pay back info yesterday. 
 

Message is delivered but unread. Interesting! Either he’s very upset with me for calling it off, doesn’t give a toss what  I’ve got to say, or he knows what’s coming and is avoiding 🫣 
 

I bet it’s the latter . 

[Gebidozo]

50 minutes ago, bpb2017 said:

Imagine if the genders were reversed.

If the genders were reversed, I’d be weirded out already that a woman I barely knew offered to go shopping with me.

If it really came to that, I wouldn’t let her put 100$ worth of groceries into my cart. And even if somehow she managed to do that, I wouldn’t pay for her stuff. And if I were completely drunk and do that, I’d ask for my money back before the “date” was over, and then never have a second date.

This is all purely theoretical, because I never encountered women (nor men, really) who behaved like the guy in OP’s story.

[bpb2017]

31 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

If the genders were reversed, I’d be weirded out already that a woman I barely knew offered to go shopping with me.

If it really came to that, I wouldn’t let her put 100$ worth of groceries into my cart. And even if somehow she managed to do that, I wouldn’t pay for her stuff. And if I were completely drunk and do that, I’d ask for my money back before the “date” was over, and then never have a second date.

This is all purely theoretical, because I never encountered women (nor men, really) who behaved like the guy in OP’s story.

If the genders were reversed I'm sure most would have a problem with a guy contacting a girl demanding reimbursement for anything that occurred during the 1st date, especially after cancelling the 2nd date.

I've had many dates where the girl offered to "get the next one" which never happened if I never asked her out again, obviously. It never occurred to me to chase up, as that would be nasty. That's what I meant by if the genders were reversed — many posters using the word "scam" and assuming OP isn't being grabby.

OP should just let it go. Maybe as a gesture for cancelling the 2nd date.

Edited August 21, 2024 by bpb2017

[Gebidozo]

2 minutes ago, bpb2017 said:

If the genders were reversed I'm sure most would have a problem with a guy contacting a girl demanding reimbursement for anything that occurred during the 1st date, especially after cancelling the 2nd date.

Nobody I know would have a problem with demanding back 100$ (!) that a virtual stranger of either gender appropriated either maliciously or due to being a moron. 

What does this have to do with dating? The OP didn’t ask the guy out on a grocery date, he insinuated himself into it. And this is not money for an ice cream or a cab fare, it’s a 100 bucks. 

[BaileyB]

45 minutes ago, Calmandfocused said:

Either he’s very upset with me for calling it off, doesn’t give a toss what  I’ve got to say, or he knows what’s coming and is avoiding 🫣 

I think he’s likely out looking for another very kind and unsuspecting woman…

I would be very surprised if you get the money. 

[Gaeta]

2 hours ago, bpb2017 said:

the genders were reversed I'm sure most would have a problem with a guy contacting a girl demanding reimbursement for anything that occurred during the 1st date, especially after cancelling the 2nd date.

Excuse me but the grocery shopping was NOT a date activity. The date was over. She was leaving.  He imposed himself, she did not invite him to accompany her to the grocery store.

[NuevoYorko]

4 hours ago, Calmandfocused said:

At the time of the shopping incident I didn’t know this guy was so hung up on his ex. Mentioned her briefly and in passing  but nothing that got any red flags waving. 
 

We had a few face time calls after the first date, two of which he spoke about his ex persistently. I tried changing the subject but every conversation was brought back to her. He couldn’t drop it. 
 

Hold on ... so you were facetiming with this guy AFTER the shopping incident?  And you just continued to let it ride?

[Trail Blazer]

What a sneaky MoFo.  I'm sorry this has happened to you.

Look, in hindsight, obviously you would have played it differently if you could have your time again.  The problem is, upon reflection of his behaviour, you realized that it wasn't going to go further with this man and you rightly cancelled the date. 

However, that, in my mind, guaranteed he wasn't going to reimburse you.

You've asked him for the money back.  As of writing this, he hasn't read your message.  He'll most likely leave you left on unread, or just ignore the message altogether.  Either way, there's not much that can be done other than chalk it down to experience and move on.

Despite whatever anyone here may say, you're guilty of being played, but that in and of itself is subsumed by the morally bankrupt individual's opportunistic and cheekily galling actions which sought to took advantage of you.  He's ultimately to blame for being a 💩 human being.

 

[Calmandfocused]

Thanks for all your further replies. 
 

I have an update… He paid it back! 
 

Im flabbergasted but pleased 😊.

However he couldn’t resist the opportunity to tell me how “wrong” I was in my “assessment” of him and that he’d hoped to see me again. I didn’t get into all that, I just thanked him and wished him all the best. 
 

It wasn’t just the shopping incident (as per this thread) and being hung up ex (aforementioned) that factored into my decision.  There were loads of reasons such as : 

The ex wife not being the ex wife. Despite having been split up for 7 years and her living with someone else for all this time they were not divorced. 
 

Said ex wife (wife) being shown a picture of me and her reporting back to him when she saw me walking to the pub to meet friends. 
 

Him writing off (totalled) his car and having the attitude that it doesn’t matter as I have a car and can take us places. 
 

There’s loads more but this gives you a flavour. 
 

Too much! I would have been a fool to see him again. 

[ExpatInItaly]

Glad you are rid of this guy. 

Red flags all over him. 

[BaileyB]

Glad you got your money back. 

This is definitely not your guy…