Author Calmandfocused Posted August 21 Author Share Posted August 21 Thanks for all your further replies. I have an update… He paid it back! Im flabbergasted but pleased 😊. However he couldn’t resist the opportunity to tell me how “wrong” I was in my “assessment” of him and that he’d hoped to see me again. I didn’t get into all that, I just thanked him and wished him all the best. It wasn’t just the shopping incident (as per this thread) and being hung up ex (aforementioned) that factored into my decision. There were loads of reasons such as : The ex wife not being the ex wife. Despite having been split up for 7 years and her living with someone else for all this time they were not divorced. Said ex wife (wife) being shown a picture of me and her reporting back to him when she saw me walking to the pub to meet friends. Him writing off (totalled) his car and having the attitude that it doesn’t matter as I have a car and can take us places. There’s loads more but this gives you a flavour. Too much! I would have been a fool to see him again. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted August 21 Share Posted August 21 Glad you are rid of this guy. Red flags all over him. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted August 21 Share Posted August 21 Glad you got your money back. This is definitely not your guy… Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted August 21 Share Posted August 21 OH! I'm happy you got your money back! I did not expect it to be truthful ! @Calmandfocused You need to assert yourself more! I know you said you're a strong headed woman but, geez! There are wolves in disguise out there, you got to be more careful! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted August 21 Share Posted August 21 20 hours ago, bpb2017 said: I've had many dates where the girl offered to "get the next one" which never happened if I never asked her out again, obviously. It never occurred to me to chase up, as that would be nasty. That's what I meant by if the genders were reversed — many posters using the word "scam" and assuming OP isn't being grabby. Oh, really? You routinely let women whom you're on a first date with tag along with your grocery shopping and put $100 worth of personal groceries into your basket? 😂 If you can't see the difference between paying for a shared, mutually-agreed-upon date that didn't result in another, and what happened in this post, I'm not sure that any amount of LS advice can help you. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
happyhorizons Posted August 21 Share Posted August 21 2 minutes ago, Els said: Oh, really? You routinely let women whom you're on a first date with tag along with your grocery shopping and put $100 worth of personal groceries into your basket? 😂 If you can't see the difference between paying for a shared, mutually-agreed-upon date that didn't result in another, and what happened in this post, I'm not sure that any amount of LS advice can help you. Well said ^^^. The guy lacks integrity without a doubt. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted August 21 Share Posted August 21 10 hours ago, Calmandfocused said: It wasn’t just the shopping incident (as per this thread) and being hung up ex (aforementioned) that factored into my decision. Honestly, those two things would have been reason enough! But I'm glad you got your money back. He did actually pay it, right? Not just say that he would transfer it? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Calmandfocused Posted August 21 Author Share Posted August 21 1 hour ago, Els said: Honestly, those two things would have been reason enough! But I'm glad you got your money back. He did actually pay it, right? Not just say that he would transfer it? He paid. I checked my account and it was there 😊. I won’t ever make this mistake again. The chances are I will never be in this exact predicament ever again but I have learnt from it. Any man who is not my husband will pay for his own shopping. I’ll make sure of it ! I’ll use the bits of advice you gave me here to protect myself. Thanks everyone 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ShyViolet Posted August 21 Share Posted August 21 22 hours ago, bpb2017 said: When you were at the checkout it would have been weird if you said no. Even if you didn't trust him I'm sure it would have been weird. Are you kidding? No it wouldn't have been weird. Women need to learn to stop being people-pleasers and doormats. Having healthy boundaries and saying "no" to people trying to take advantage of us is a very important and necessary skill in life. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Gebidozo Posted August 22 Share Posted August 22 4 hours ago, Calmandfocused said: Any man who is not my husband will pay for his own shopping. I’ll make sure of it ! Well, that seems a bit extreme🙂 Shopping for a person you’re dating, for your partner, for someone you care for is a lovely way to express your feelings. Most men love food and would be delighted and grateful if you buy some edible stuff for them sometimes, as a token of affection. Just make sure you do it voluntarily for a person you know and trust. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted August 22 Share Posted August 22 19 hours ago, ShyViolet said: Are you kidding? No it wouldn't have been weird. Women need to learn to stop being people-pleasers and doormats. Having healthy boundaries and saying "no" to people trying to take advantage of us is a very important and necessary skill in life. Right!? It would be very, very, very weird for a person to chuck $100 worth of their own groceries into the shopping basket of a person they were on a first date with, that's for sure (regardless of gender). Saying no to that? Not weird at all, again regardless of gender. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted August 22 Share Posted August 22 1 hour ago, Els said: Right!? It would be very, very, very weird for a person to chuck $100 worth of their own groceries into the shopping basket of a person they were on a first date with, that's for sure (regardless of gender). Saying no to that? Not weird at all, again regardless of gender. Sadly, if this guy was doing this on purpose to take advantage of the OP, he was not far off base in his approach. It's mind boggling to see how many people right here on this thread think that it would be "weird" or "inconsiderate / unkind" to tell a person that you did not agree to buy their groceries and you are not going to do it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
happyhorizons Posted August 22 Share Posted August 22 1 hour ago, Els said: Right!? It would be very, very, very weird for a person to chuck $100 worth of their own groceries into the shopping basket of a person they were on a first date with, that's for sure (regardless of gender). Saying no to that? Not weird at all, again regardless of gender. The guys whole mindset ( in thinking it was OK) is just so strange and out of place Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted August 22 Share Posted August 22 4 hours ago, happyhorizons said: The guys whole mindset ( in thinking it was OK) is just so strange and out of place How do we know he thought it was "OK"? The OP's original stance was that he was scamming her. That might not be the case since he did pay her back. Who knows what he thought. We only have the OP's perspective here. Link to post Share on other sites
happyhorizons Posted August 23 Share Posted August 23 3 hours ago, NuevoYorko said: How do we know he thought it was "OK"? The OP's original stance was that he was scamming her. That might not be the case since he did pay her back. Who knows what he thought. We only have the OP's perspective here. The OPs perspective is more than enough for me. I think it’s ridiculous to even question how this affected the OP. She in no way deserved what this guy did and the position it put her in. Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted August 23 Share Posted August 23 (edited) I just caught up with this thread. What a weird plot he had, being there to oh so discreetly piling his groceries into your cart and not paying. If that ever happens to me and someone starts putting groceries in my cart I'm going to walk off and get my own cart.🤣 Like, is this Impractical Jokers or something? People are so nervy! Edited August 23 by Alpacalia Link to post Share on other sites
Author Calmandfocused Posted August 23 Author Share Posted August 23 You’re correct that originally I thought I’d been scammed. However the fact he paid me back does not fit with this interpretation of events. This is pure speculation but on reflection I don’t think his intention was to scam me. I think he thought that him and I would get into a relationship. And on that basis it’s “ok” for me to pay his grocery bill. This theory would be congruent with his attitude about the car. This would also explain why he only paid me back when it became clear we were not going to have a relationship. Thank goodness! But the bottom line is, this guy was not for me. Link to post Share on other sites
Trail Blazer Posted August 23 Share Posted August 23 The fact that he paid you back actually makes it even more bizarre. As in, it makes his intentions even harder to interpret. What a strange man. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted August 23 Share Posted August 23 12 hours ago, happyhorizons said: The OPs perspective is more than enough for me. I think it’s ridiculous to even question how this affected the OP. She in no way deserved what this guy did and the position it put her in. Has anyone questioned her perspective? The point of this thread was whether or not she should do anything about it or to let it ride, and also questioning whether it was a set-up scam. Isn't it appropriate to include in our responses the concept that this situation could 100% have been avoided? This is not "victim blaming." It's talking to someone about how they can advocate and take care of themselves to steer clear of such a situation. In this case, by not paying for the guy's stuff in the first place. I understand that you believe she was correct for doing this because she was being "kind" and "considerate," and that it would have been "weird" to have told him NO at the checkout. I also believe that you are a man, though I may be wrong. This is a textbook scenario of a man taking advantage of their certainty that a woman will not stick up for herself and will be an "easy mark." It's not her fault that this guy is a douchebag, but it is her responsibility for choosing to pay for the grocery items of a man she met once, has no relationship with, etc. because she is nice, considerate and does not want to be weird. Like she said, she learned. She won't be doing this again. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted August 23 Share Posted August 23 9 hours ago, Calmandfocused said: You’re correct that originally I thought I’d been scammed. However the fact he paid me back does not fit with this interpretation of events. I think his intention was to take advantage of you, scam you, test you. If you had not asked for your money back I am sure 100% he would not have volunteered it back. What type of man thinks it's ok to ask a woman he's just met to pay $100 of grocery EVEN if he means to refund it. He thinks couples meet and they jump right away into the dynamic of a 2 year dating couple! What's next! on your 3rd date he'd ask you to co-sign is car loan 😒 This man was definitely testing how generous you are! I remember shortly dating this man and he would make little jokes like he'd show me brand new Volvo or Audi and say: you're gonna buy me one of those right or things like you must earn much more than I. It took about 8 weeks for him to ask me $5K. He did not want to borrow it, oh no! I was his girlfriend I was suppose to give it to him. (No need to tell you he broke up with me when I said no). When it crawls like a snake, hiss like a snake - it's a snake. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Calmandfocused Posted August 23 Author Share Posted August 23 2 hours ago, Gaeta said: I think his intention was to take advantage of you, scam you, test you. If you had not asked for your money back I am sure 100% he would not have volunteered it back. What type of man thinks it's ok to ask a woman he's just met to pay $100 of grocery EVEN if he means to refund it. He thinks couples meet and they jump right away into the dynamic of a 2 year dating couple! What's next! on your 3rd date he'd ask you to co-sign is car loan 😒 This man was definitely testing how generous you are! I remember shortly dating this man and he would make little jokes like he'd show me brand new Volvo or Audi and say: you're gonna buy me one of those right or things like you must earn much more than I. It took about 8 weeks for him to ask me $5K. He did not want to borrow it, oh no! I was his girlfriend I was suppose to give it to him. (No need to tell you he broke up with me when I said no). When it crawls like a snake, hiss like a snake - it's a snake. I’m posting a link to a thread I created a while ago. Whilst there are fundamental reason why men don’t want me, I’ve no doubt there are certain men who rub their hands in glee and become hopeful that they can be “taken care” of by a woman. No doubt I stumbled across one of these guys. He kept making reference to what “I earn” … none of his fricking business is what I earn 😁. Im sorry this happened to you @Gaeta. And yes, I wouldn’t have expected any different. My guy is probably extremely disappointed I opted out. Not because he liked me. It’s because of what I could have provided for him. I bet he’s gutted that he’s missed out on me paying for him and chauffeuring him around in my car - exactly like yours was. What a loss for them. Poor things! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted August 23 Share Posted August 23 On 8/21/2024 at 9:07 AM, bpb2017 said: All makes sense, but this is the world of dating and life. When you were at the checkout it would have been weird if you said no. Even if you didn't trust him I'm sure it would have been weird. On his side he's disappointed that you cancelled the second date, even with your good reason, and probably doesn't like the idea of reimbursing for anything that occurred during your encounter. Life lesson. Let it go. Why is saying "All the products are mixed up. I'll put them in order so we can pay for our own" weird? It's very possible to assert ourselves without making a fuss. (no criticism to OP for not saying this - my life is full of 'shouda said" moments) And please don't compare this to a date: he invited himself shopping and invited himself to put all the stuff in her trolley. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Gebidozo Posted August 23 Share Posted August 23 3 hours ago, Calmandfocused said: I’m posting a link to a thread I created a while ago. Whilst there are fundamental reason why men don’t want me, I’ve no doubt there are certain men who rub their hands in glee and become hopeful that they can be “taken care” of by a woman. Truth to be said, there are unfortunately still many women on this planet who rub their hands in glee and become hopeful that they can be taken care of by a man. Perhaps they wouldn’t manifest that desire in such a dumb and pathetic way as your guy did, but they would subtly insinuate that if a man can’t buy them a house and a car then they’ll find someone else who could. There are still entire cultures that see that kind of thing as completely normal. That said, while I find such thinking sad and demeaning regardless of the gender, I do feel that men who try to date women for material gain are particularly repulsive. Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted August 23 Share Posted August 23 3 hours ago, Calmandfocused said: I’m posting a link to a thread I created a while ago. Whilst there are fundamental reason why men don’t want me, I’ve no doubt there are certain men who rub their hands in glee and become hopeful that they can be “taken care” of by a woman. You are not wrong. There are a lot of women who approach well to do men like that as well. It just happens to be much more socially acceptable and therefore, more common, to work in that direction. A couple of weeks ago there was a big boat expo near were we were vacationing. Lots of (evidently) very rich men with huge, fancy yachts and very young, extremely "done up" girlfriends / wives. Most of the men looked like hell, but apparently everyone was getting what they wanted out of their liaisons Please don't give in to this way of thinking. I'm sure you know at least a few women with children who are your peers career-wise and who have found relationships with men who are neither threatened by their professional status or looking for a sugarmama. Just keep trying, if you want to, and keep being ready to move on when you know it's not right for you. Link to post Share on other sites
FredEire Posted August 30 Share Posted August 30 The world is full of people who get into relationships just to gain something for themselves unfortunately, whether it's attention, sex, or money. The aim I guess is to find someone who wants you, rather than any of that stuff being the primary motivation. Link to post Share on other sites
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