I need help. my girlfriend and I keep arguing. Neither of us seam to understand the other

[80D]

I feel completely misunderstood and I honestly don’t know if I am the one who needs to learn in this situation or not.. maybe I am not seeing something but I need help… I don’t want to reiterate what the argument was so I’ll just show it… this is the first time I’ve asked for help with dirty laundry.. 

If I wasn’t working then maybe I could have used better word choice because I was rushing trying not to get yelled at, being on my phone at work… 

I honestly want sincere help, I don’t need people to pick my side I just want help so her and I can possibly learn. 

Her: It's not my place, not my kids, but make sure you and Ana are on the same page about Liam getting a phone

 

me: I'd only want him to have one for emergencies like I did when I was his age but I was always alone and idk if he would be responsible enough with it. I don't think he needs one yet

Her: Then you need to talk to her about it

me :So where is this all coming from?

Her: They said he's getting a phone and he used a phone all weekend which I didn't say anything him besides I don't think he's old enough for a phone before I knew he had one all weekend

Me: I'll ask Ana but they never tell the full truth. That's why I never fully believe what they say. It's like when they told dad they were movie out of state, 100% wrong. He has had a phone for a few years now but IF she activated his phone, all he can do is call and txt message the numbers programmed into his phone which is strictly family members so l highly doubt he was "using" a phone all weekend when he can't do anything on it. For all we know he let him borrow her phone to play a game. I'll ask but remember they don't understand s*** and blow things out of proportion lol

Hey, l love you

Her: Love you too

Her: He told me about games he's playing going YouTube and they've talked about it every single time they've seen their mom but up to you if you want to talk to her about it

Me: Babe I said I would ask her.

Me: I don't like when you do that. I already said I'll ask her and for you to again say to me for the second time, it's up to me to talk to her about it.. that's frustrating.. I already said I would talk to her, you don't need to reiterate if I am going to talk to her or not because I already said I would. That kind of thing bothers me when you do that.

Her: What's frustrating is when I tell you something and you tell me you doubt he was using the phone all weekend. When he gave me detailed things he did on the phone every day this weekend to the point he was using it in bed instead of sleeping. Idc if it's activated. It doesn't need service to use the Wifi and look at things that are not appropriate for his age. It's frustrating you never believe me And frustrating instead of just saying okay I will you try to justify why it's not a big deal.

Me: Babe you didn't tell that info until after so l didn't know you had so much proof until I already said what I said. Can you calm down. It's not that I don't believe you, I don't believe the kids lol

(She kept thumps up’ing my messages)

Me: Never thumbs up my messages again. I hate that passive crap

Her: What do you want me to do. You tell me you're frustrated I tell you l'm frustrated and you tell me to calm down. There's nothing for me to say

Me: I said it's frustrating when you do that. I did not say I am frustrated. I wasn't justifying anything. All I was truly saying was my speculations because I didn't get the full info from you or Ana yet.

Me: Like I said I didn't get the details of your proof until I had already said my speculation so naturally I'm going to be wrong, not having all the info yet.

Her: I have nothing to say back

Me: Well I wish you weren't so upset with me. All I did was speculate what he possibly was doing because it's hard for me to believe them I also said I would talk to Ana to clarify everything from the beginning so l'd appreciate a thorough apology. I took what you said in consideration with the understanding that the kids lie and don't tell the full truth. I was only going off of the info I currently had. I wasn't going against you at all, I promise.

Her: Seth you must be joking. You want me to apologize because you didn't trust what I said, speculated, and then got frustrated with the way I said what I said. I literally already got yelled at today by my boss because of you and the kids. Im just going to not talk to them about stuff and just be a drop off and pick up person. We still haven't talked about the last fight we had and how you make me feel. I'm done doing everything for you and them.

Me: Thanks for misunderstanding me again

Her: That's apparently what I do best

Me: You still think this is about you so yeah you misunderstood me

Her: My b. It's about you and your kids.. so so sorry llet you know what your son said. So sorry I care about the content your son sees. So sorry I care about his mental health. I'll make sure to not tell you the things they tell me and to not care about them as much as I did before.

Me: I said I would address it! How the f*** are you mad at me for doing what you asked me to do?!?!?

Her: I'm not mad clearly I don't care

Me: Then why is there a problem?!? I said I would talk to Ana about it!!! I am not going against you at all!!! WTF!!!

Her: There's not one. Have the best day ever

me: I am baffled

Her: I know you are

Me: There was no reason for you to get mad at me but yet, here we are

Her: I'm going to need you to find someone else to pick the kids up every day. I'll take them everyday but I'm not willing to do both anymore. I can do it today but moving forward it can't be me

Me: Okay then the kids go back to their moms. Thanks for f***ing me

Her: Not my kids

Me: Thanks for misunderstanding me and starting all this

Her: And you won't talk to me about how I'm feeling you keep brushing me off

Me: I never disagreed with you. This is bullshit

her: It's bullshit you expected me to do it in the first place.

(she offered)

Her: I offered to help, not to do everything

Me: I am so f***ing pissed off at you

Her: Your dad and Dan can't help? Did you talk to probation about being able to pick them up? No you just assumed l'd be good to do it forever

Her: Good

Me: Don't talk to me until you apologize for today

Her: I guess we're done talking then

Her: You didn't take me being upset last week seriously. You're not taking me seriously today. The only way to get through to you is to piss you off so that's where we're at

Me: You misunderstood me today and that's why we are arguing!!!! f***!!!

Her: Incorrect

Her: Ive been trying to talk to you about this for about 3 weeks now

Me: Don't gas light me!!! f*** you!!!

Her: I'm not gaslighting you. I'l talk to genna about staying the night there tonight

her: Honestly. It seems like you don't care about me in this situation. I'm supposed to sacrifice everything for you and the kids and there has never been a conversation about it. I told you today l literally got yelled at and almost lost my job and you didn't even ask about it. Like you like that I'm around for you. You like that I'm there for the kids. But it feels like you haven't honestly considered what l've been sacrificing and doing for you this entire month. For you life is as normal the only adjustment you made is doing homework with them and putting them to bed. I have changed my entire life for you And yet I need to apologize because you think I misunderstood.

Me: lol you want me to be empathetic when you start a fight with me even though I never disagreed with you?!? WTF lol

Her: Perfect

Me: Yeah lol blame me for this lol Because you never do anything wrong right?

Her: Yes I blame you for completely disregarding the my life and the impact you have put on me

Me: It's sad that's what you think. That isn't what todays fight is about. Keep threatening me, see how that works for you.

her: I can pack my s*** up and leave today if that's what you want. You can figure out someone to pick the kids up today if you wanna act like you don't need me

Me: You started this. Stop threatening me!!!!!!!

Her: I'm giving you options

Me: If you would just go back and read what I said, knowing I wasn't disagreeing with you. Maybe you could recognize you misunderstood me and apologize to me!! This is f***ing stupid!! I don't understand why you are mad at me!!!

Her: I'm aware. Anytime I try to explain I'm gas lighting so idk what you want me to say r

me: Oh my god lol how could you possibly think I was being argumentative?!? I was trying to let know as politely as I could that I didn't appreciate when you did that. I wasn't arguing... I was informing you so you could learn what frustrates me in that specific situation... I wasn't being argumentative...

Her: And me doing the same thing to you means I need to calm down.. your double standards blow my mind

Me: Oh my gosh... you thought I was arguing so you started to rip my head off

Her: God. I'm done trying with you

me: I'm don't with being misunderstood!!!! f***!! Why are you doing this

her: Because you don't take me serious and don't care about what I'm going through

Me: Rachelle... just look at how you reacted after I tried letting you know what you said, upset me.

Her: Seth.. I responded with how what you said upset me. And so that's a reason for you to not take me seriously and not care what I'm going through

Me: I never said I don't take you seriously. You decided that. I am so misunderstood today all I want to do is cry. Nothing I say helps you understand what I mean when I mean it the way I mean it. Every time I say something and you misunderstand me... I can never help you understand what l mean... I am so lost to find words for you to finally understand me... I said I would talk to Ana and you acted as if I was going against you when I wasnt... all I said was I don't like how you had to tell me again to talk to Ana when I already said I would. My heart feels broken from how you acted today when all I wanted was for you to take note that what you did/said upset me. You pushed me too far today.

[basil67]

39 minutes ago, 80D said:

Me: I don't like when you do that. I already said I'll ask her and for you to again say to me for the second time, it's up to me to talk to her about it.. that's frustrating.. I already said I would talk to her, you don't need to reiterate if I am going to talk to her or not because I already said I would. That kind of thing bothers me when you do that.

Actually, YOU started this, not her.   The quote above is where it all went wrong.   Was she being a bit dogged in making sure you understood her concerns?  Absolutely and yes, it would have been annoying.  But your response tipped this conversation from slightly annoying into a full blown fight, complete with F words.   And on text!!!  What you should have done is simply said "yep, I'm onto it" and changed topics. 

Where I live, we have a cricket phrase "let it through to the keeper" (this would translate to catcher for baseball in the US).   In relationships it translates to "my partner annoys me sometimes, but the the small things are not worth taking a shot at because the resulting harm will be far greater than the original annoyance. 

I suggest you do some research into how to address disagreements without harming your relationship.   Perhaps couples counselling?   

 

[80D]

26 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Actually, YOU started this, not her.   The quote above is where it all went wrong.   Was she being a bit dogged in making sure you understood her concerns?  Absolutely and yes, it would have been annoying.  But your response tipped this conversation from slightly annoying into a full blown fight, complete with F words.   And on text!!!  What you should have done is simply said "yep, I'm onto it" and changed topics. 

Where I live, we have a cricket phrase "let it through to the keeper" (this would translate to catcher for baseball in the US).   In relationships it translates to "my partner annoys me sometimes, but the the small things are not worth taking a shot at because the resulting harm will be far greater than the original annoyance. 

I suggest you do some research into how to address disagreements without harming your relationship.   Perhaps couples counselling?   

 

I appreciate it. Thank you for showing me that and the lesson. 

[Gebidozo]

First of all, never argue through text again. It is beyond pointless, because in addition to the usual misunderstandings, the lack of personal contact and facial expressions makes it all even more confusing. Wait till the person is physically near you, and try to solve the problem through gentle conversation.

Second, I’m sorry, but you started this fight. You began to tell her how annoyed you were. You told her several times “I hate it when you do…” etc., which is a phrase you shouldn’t be using anyway. You started getting more and more angry and aggressive, using rude words. You escalated this normal argument, made it personal, and turned it into a fight.

Try to control your temper and cool off instead of voicing your annoyance in such a way. If you really can’t stand some of her habits or phrases she uses, find another time to gently ask her to stop saying / doing that. And try to make the request sound positive, not negative, whenever possible. Not “Could you please stop doing this and that?”, but “Could you please do this and that?”

 

[80D]

59 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

First of all, never argue through text again. It is beyond pointless, because in addition to the usual misunderstandings, the lack of personal contact and facial expressions makes it all even more confusing. Wait till the person is physically near you, and try to solve the problem through gentle conversation.

Second, I’m sorry, but you started this fight. You began to tell her how annoyed you were. You told her several times “I hate it when you do…” etc., which is a phrase you shouldn’t be using anyway. You started getting more and more angry and aggressive, using rude words. You escalated this normal argument, made it personal, and turned it into a fight.

Try to control your temper and cool off instead of voicing your annoyance in such a way. If you really can’t stand some of her habits or phrases she uses, find another time to gently ask her to stop saying / doing that. And try to make the request sound positive, not negative, whenever possible. Not “Could you please stop doing this and that?”, but “Could you please do this and that?”

 

 I clearly was out of line and I appreciate your help. Thank you

[SurfCity]

Why didn't you ask her why she got yelled at by her boss and almost fired because of your kids? I don't understand that. I want to know what happened and I don't even know any of you, but you didn't even ask what happened. Of course she feels like you don't care about her and are just using her to take care of your kids. 

You started the argument, escalated it, and only backed down when she said she would leave and you could find someone else to pick up your kids. 

Telling someone to calm down is like pouring gasoline on a bonfire. 

[Gaeta]

15 hours ago, 80D said:

Me: Don't gas light me!!! f*** you!!!

Really? This woman takes care of your kids, goes out of her way to taxi them, she cares about their well being and their time spent in front of screens and you tell her FU?? And you tell her to apologize to you!! 

How do you feel misunderstood? She asked you to do something, you said you would, and you don't. Then she reminds you and you go all offensive on her. I have an idea, how about when you say you'll do something you actually do it. 

It takes 2 to argue. If you don't participate then there is no fight. You should have answered her: I am sorry I did not have time to address this with Ana I will call her tonight.

You have very little respect for this woman. The vocabulary you're using with her is shameful. You're aggressive & dismissive and you're the one feeling hurt 😲. You're lucky she does not walk out on you, I would.  

She's right, you do not care about what she is going through.

 

 

Edited August 20 by Gaeta

[80D]

5 hours ago, SurfCity said:

Why didn't you ask her why she got yelled at by her boss and almost fired because of your kids? 

She was late getting to work that’s why… I know I was wrong now thanks to you all and I need all of this because I don’t want to make her feel this way.. I sincerely want to learn so I’m not a shmuck and treat her right.. thank you for putting me in my place

[80D]

3 hours ago, Gaeta said:

Really? This woman takes care of your kids, goes out of her way to taxi them, she cares about their well being and their time spent in front of screens and you tell her FU?? And you tell her to apologize to you!! 

How do you feel misunderstood? She asked you to do something, you said you would, and you don't. Then she reminds you and you go all offensive on her. I have an idea, how about when you say you'll do something you actually do it. 

It takes 2 to argue. If you don't participate then there is no fight. You should have answered her: I am sorry I did not have time to address this with Ana I will call her tonight.

You have very little respect for this woman. The vocabulary you're using with her is shameful. You're aggressive & dismissive and you're the one feeling hurt 😲. You're lucky she does not walk out on you, I would.  

She's right, you do not care about what she is going through.

 

 

I understand I am the one at fault and caused all this.. the small things are not worth taking a shot at because the resulting harm will be far greater than the original annoyance. I should have not made a big deal about my issue and listened to her. I absolutely said I would talk to Ana and I did… I know I have so much to learn and I also understand my vocabulary and how I use it is unhealthy.. you’re right I am lucky she hasn’t left me.. I am horrible at showing I care but I appreciate her and everything she does.. I am trying to be better.. I want to be.. regardless of how horrible I handled myself, I appreciate the lessons you all have taught me.
 

[80D]

Everything you all have pointed out, I’ve fully apologized for. It’s obvious now how wrong I was and I have you all to thank. I appreciate all your help and setting me straight. She told me she would like to sit down and talk about everything so I am hoping I can make things right with her.. I appreciate you all and I am sorry for putting you all through any emotions you must have felt while reading. 

[basil67]

If you're wanting to make things right, enroll yourself in some anger management counselling.  Show her with your actions that you're serious about changing...and even if she decides to pack her bags today, the work you do on yourself will make you a better man for future relationships. 

Where did this behaviour come from?  Were you raised in an abusive household and this is what you see as normal?

 

Also....is it true that she'd been trying to talk with you about the childcare load for three weeks?   If so, why did you accuse her of gaslighting you?

Edited August 20 by basil67

[80D]

2 hours ago, basil67 said:

If you're wanting to make things right, enroll yourself in some anger management counselling.  Show her with your actions that you're serious about changing...and even if she decides to pack her bags today, the work you do on yourself will make you a better man for future relationships. 

Where did this behaviour come from?  Were you raised in an abusive household and this is what you see as normal?

 

Also....is it true that she'd been trying to talk with you about the childcare load for three weeks?   If so, why did you accuse her of gaslighting you?

It’s a complicated story for why I might be this way but in short, yes this was the normal for me growing up unfortunately but the things I’ve been through doesn’t change that I need a better grasp of myself so you’re right.. I should get help for my anger.. 

that is also complicated so the long short explanation is. My ex dropped off the kids one day saying she lost her house and she needs me to watch them. That was three months ago. I had everything arranged for the kids to be taken to and from school while I was working. That arrangement fell apart and Rachelle offered to help. So Rachelle, my dad, and uncle have been helping with the kids. We have been trying to figure out a good structured plan with the kids ever since my ex asked me to watch them. So essentially it went from 0 to 100 as I’ve been fighting to get my kids back for the past 5 years. The arrangement was every two weeks but as you can tell.. nothing has gone right. But in turn, she is right. Nothing has been figured out however it’s not something I’ve ignored. 

[Gebidozo]

Dude, your GF is ok with your kids from a previous relationship living with you, she is helping them, she cares for their well-being. Remind yourself every moment that you’re lucky to have such a great partner. Count your blessings, and your anger will seem so unbearably shameful to you that you won’t be feeling it anymore.

Edited August 21 by Gebidozo