When should 'expected milestones' happen in a new and healthy relationship?

[harnold]

Stuff like, going from seeing each other 1x/week to 2-3x/week.  Meeting the friends / meeting the parents.  Putting a label on it. Etc etc.  I know it varies per relationship, but Im just curious what everyone's experiences are

 

As someone who is generally more closed off, I tend to go at a very slow pace which I think has been hurting my relationships.  Id just like to get a sense of where everyone else stands with these things.

[ShyViolet]

Relationships don't follow formulas like this.  There's no answer to this question.  Just like each individual person is different, each relationship unfolds differently.

[Gebidozo]

ShyViolet is absolutely right. The desire to follow some nonexistent “relationship rules”, to be “normal” and “like others” in that respect,  has harmed many relationships. There is no general rules, only individual rules.

I’ve been with my fiancée for about two years now. Her pace is slower than mine, but we found ways to compromise and accept each other’s differences. I met her friends and she met mine very soon, but we haven’t yet met each other’s parents. I’m sure some people would find it very weird, but we’re both comfortable with that.

[Gaeta]

I don't have time to waste on someone that's afraid of labels. I am in my 50s with lots of life experience, I don't need to go around the block 100 times to know I like someone and want to date him exclusively. There are things I am very flexible with and others I will not negotiate. Some women could not date a man they only get to spend every other weekends with, for me that's ok, I do well being on my own, I am not the clinging type. Something I would not negotiate is exclusivity, if a man I date still feels the needs to shop women after he had 3-4 dates with me, that's not negotiable, I will set him free. 

I only introduce serious boyfriends to my parents usually after 4 months dating and after we said our ILY. My parents are elderly and I don't want them to get attached to the wrong man. As for my friends, siblings and my adult daughters, they all understand the concept of dating. We usually start having activities with them at 2-3 months dating. 

[fred123]

3 hours ago, Gaeta said:

I don't have time to waste on someone that's afraid of labels. I am in my 50s with lots of life experience, I don't need to go around the block 100 times to know I like someone and want to date him exclusively. There are things I am very flexible with and others I will not negotiate. Some women could not date a man they only get to spend every other weekends with, for me that's ok, I do well being on my own, I am not the clinging type. Something I would not negotiate is exclusivity, if a man I date still feels the needs to shop women after he had 3-4 dates with me, that's not negotiable, I will set him free. 

I only introduce serious boyfriends to my parents usually after 4 months dating and after we said our ILY. My parents are elderly and I don't want them to get attached to the wrong man. As for my friends, siblings and my adult daughters, they all understand the concept of dating. We usually start having activities with them at 2-3 months dating. 

I like the way you date and would like to copy that

[fred123]

3 hours ago, Gaeta said:

I don't have time to waste on someone that's afraid of labels. I am in my 50s with lots of life experience, I don't need to go around the block 100 times to know I like someone and want to date him exclusively. There are things I am very flexible with and others I will not negotiate. Some women could not date a man they only get to spend every other weekends with, for me that's ok, I do well being on my own, I am not the clinging type. Something I would not negotiate is exclusivity, if a man I date still feels the needs to shop women after he had 3-4 dates with me, that's not negotiable, I will set him free. 

I only introduce serious boyfriends to my parents usually after 4 months dating and after we said our ILY. My parents are elderly and I don't want them to get attached to the wrong man. As for my friends, siblings and my adult daughters, they all understand the concept of dating. We usually start having activities with them at 2-3 months dating. 

If a man after 3 or 4 dates wants to shop around that means he isn't into.you?

[BaileyB]

8 minutes ago, fred123 said:

If a man after 3 or 4 dates wants to shop around that means he isn't into.you?

Yes.

[Gaeta]

1 minute ago, fred123 said:

If a man after 3 or 4 dates wants to shop around that means he isn't into.you?

It means him and I are not on the same wavelength. We don't date the same, we're not searching the same thing, and we did not connect at the same level. 

Even if he's really into me I will not date a man that sees 'dating' differently than me. 

[BaileyB]

My relationship evolved slowly but very naturally with my husband. We went on a few dates - 3/4 before he told me that he wanted to spend more time together. We both had other commitments - he had a child and had 50/50 custody. We would see each other 1-2 times during the week and on the weekends that he didn’t have his child. This started after those first 3-4 dates and this is basically where we stayed until we move in together. We had the exclusivity talk before we had sex - which happened soon after we started to spend more time together. And we first said I love you about 6 months into the relationship… but, as has been said, every relationship is different. There is no right or wrong - both people need to be comfortable. And if you aren’t moving at a similar pace, you are not compatible. 

Edited August 20, 2024 by BaileyB

[Gebidozo]

49 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

And if you aren’t moving at a similar pace, you are not compatible. 

I think pace can be adjusted, compromises can be made. I used to do things at an insane pace. I was upset that my fiancée wouldn’t move together with me after 6 months of dating. She said it was crazy fast for her and she never moved in together with a man sooner than after about 2 years of dating. I said it was insanely slow and all my exes moved in with me after a few months. 

For a while or looked like it was going to be a serious compatibility problem. But we worked it out. I told her that she could move in gradually, at her own pace, and I would wait as long as it takes for her to be comfortable with that. She just kept adding nights gradually and now we are basically living together, but she still spends some nights at her old place and I’m totally fine with that and even think it was a great decision to slow things down.

[Gaeta]

6 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

I said it was insanely slow and all my exes moved in with me after a few months. 

You know now that moving someone in after a few months is a recipe for disaster right? So you were flexible on that aspect and you won big at the end. I am sure, like everyone else, there are some aspects of dating you would not negotiate. Those make us incompatible. 

[Gebidozo]

6 hours ago, Gaeta said:

You know now that moving someone in after a few months is a recipe for disaster right?

I definitely know that now! In retrospect, she was really wise to delay that. And I foolishly mistook it for lack of commitment on her part. What a total idiot I was.

 

6 hours ago, Gaeta said:

I am sure, like everyone else, there are some aspects of dating you would not negotiate.

Yes, but I’ve come to the conclusion that any deadlines or forced timeframes can’t be part of that for me. Couples should only do things when they are both ready for them. Any attempt to force or rush things will only make matters worse.