Advice needed on what to do

[Dj1991]

So I met this girl back in May, we both live near each other.. she’s 30 and im 32.  We hit it off instantly, have a lot in common and want the same things, had amazing chemistry, a lot of sex…  She’s a nurse so has a stressful job. 

one of my parents has a terminal illness and she knew about this and was totally understanding about it.

Around a month later both my parents fell seriously ill and had to stay in hospital. One of them has a terminal illness so it was a lot to deal with by myself with no support.. and they live an hour away from me, so I had to balance looking after them, their dog, their home and balance my job. If they don’t have me they don’t have anyone.  
 

anyway I explained all this to her, she was fine and understanding about it and wanted to help and was so caring. I explained that it was too much for me to deal with right now with that going on as I wasn’t sure one of my parents was going to make it. I told her I wasn’t in the right headspace and that I didn’t want to put my stress and worries on to her and put added pressure on to her when she’s already in a stressful job.  I told her I liked her and I didn’t wanna do this but I’d be staying down at my parents home for some time until things calm down and get better.  She was fine with this and said she didn’t wanna give up on us when she recognises we have something and said she’s fine with minimal contact or seeing me, she even said she’d tone down the texting to let me handle things.  But she didn’t tone it down and continued texting, I obviously missed her so when I came back to mine to change clothes and check up on my house she asked me to come over and I did.

i told her I don’t want to come over for a few hours and then leave because it’s not fair on her as im down at my parents and not here with her fully focused and she was fine . She even texted me one time saying if I feel like having sex with her to just let her know as we both need it and have amazing chemistry.   And said she has no interest In perusing anyone else and said she’s totally fine waiting for me as she’s starting a new job. 

anyway around July time both my parents came home. I stayed there for a bit to make sure they were ok and talked to them about what could be done to make sure they are ok in future. 

anyway couple weeks ago my uncle died, so that was another thing.. I wasn’t close to him but it was just something extra.  she last texted me last week asking if I’m ok and told me she bought a new car and said she wishes I was there. I  said what was going on.  A week later I explained how carers are now visiting my mom and that my dad is recovering well. I came home and planned on getting back to normal  and putting all my focus and commitment into her.  I wanted to take her out and talk and have fun with her and treat her right. She then said she thinks it’s best we end things due to what I had going on, the fact that when she did ask me to go to her house I was only there for a few hours and she doesn’t want to be picked up and dropped off (I told her that was never my intention) but missed her so on the chance I did actually get to see her I couldn’t help but going there. She said I’d go days without speaking after seeing her but I did always explain how I needed to focus on getting through my parents situation and how I didn’t want to put the pressure on her, especially as we were not official and I wanted her to see the best version of me.   She also said she has a lot going on as she’s just started a new job and has family visiting and I think she’s worried if my parents fell sick again that I would just drop her and doesn’t think things will suddenly get better for them.  
 

I explained how things have been put into place with carers and how I spoke with my parents. How I viewed her and my reasons for not wanting to put any stress on her, I always said when this started so the my parents that I’d reach out to her when I’m ready and if she’s still single I’d take her out and she said that’s fine but kept talking to me and didn’t want me to leave.  I asked her to give me one chance to prove my commitment to her, if I was officially with her I’d never just stop talking or anything like that as I’d lean on her  but early on I didn’t want her having to put up with it. 
 

I really like this girl, and I get she’s got a busy couple weeks and I explained everything yesterday and how I’d prove it to her but she didn’t reply.  I’m hurt by it but I had no choice but to be there for my parents and she said she’d do the same if it was her.  
 

is it good I reach out after a few days like she kept doing to me? I miss her and can’t stop thinking about her   

 

[Gebidozo]

Sorry this is happening to you. My impression is this: she tried hard to be understanding and supportive, but actually deep inside she wasn’t ok with the way you handled things during your parents’ illness. She was harboring resentment. That negatively affected her feelings to you, and now she is all burnt out. She was enduring until nothing was left anymore.

I don’t think you did anything wrong. You probably handled that very difficult situation as well as you could . Personally, I also don’t understand why visiting her for a few hours and then going back to take care of your parents would upset her that much. To me, that would be a sign of lack of maturity and understanding on her part.

But people are different. If that was a dealbreaker to her, there is nothing you can do but accept it and move on. You were just beginning to date and she couldn’t handle tough times. That happens, and it’s painful, but it would have been much worse if you were together for many years and she still did that. Relationships go through all sorts of tests, and this is an early one that she failed.

[Dj1991]

1 minute ago, Gebidozo said:

Sorry this is happening to you. My impression is this: she tried hard to be understanding and supportive, but actually deep inside she wasn’t ok with the way you handled things during your parents’ illness. She was harboring resentment. That negatively affected her feelings to you, and now she is all burnt out. She was enduring until nothing was left anymore.

I don’t think you did anything wrong. You probably handled that very difficult situation as well as you could . Personally, I also don’t understand why visiting her for a few hours and then going back to take care of your parents would upset her that much. To me, that would be a sign of lack of maturity and understanding on her part.

But people are different. If that was a dealbreaker to her, there is nothing you can do but accept it and move on. You were just beginning to date and she couldn’t handle tough times. That happens, and it’s painful, but it would have been much worse if you were together for many years and she still did that. Relationships go through all sorts of tests, and this is an early one that she failed.

I think she felt like I was just seeing her when I felt like it but that wasn’t the case.   I don’t think she’d do that if we were together, I think she’d be great.  I was just confused by how she always said she’d be understanding, that none of this affected her and even she instigated meeting and even asked to meet for sex. She says she doesn’t wanna waste more time as she’s 30 well neither do I.  I’ve given me reasons and how I would be fully committed to proving her that I’m here now and have a support mechanism for my parents.  I told her all I need is one chance to prove it to her and if I fail I’d do my hands up but I know I wouldn’t.  
 

she’s a worrier too so I think she had alL those thoughts of this happening again, me not interested In her mixed with her now being busy in a new job and seeing family. I hope she comes round. But I’m not sure she will.  

[assertives]

I don't think you did anything wrong and she had also said if she was in your position, she would do the same too. I don't think you need to overanalyze what went wrong, her responses/reaction or what she said. It doesn't matter. I think she just changed her mind. She may have genuinely not minded in the beginning and was really keen on pursuing something with you, but over time, the feelings fizzled out and sometimes that happens. You have already texted her and she didn't reply. So I wouldn't try to contact her again. Leave it be. She will contact you if she's really interested, otherwise, no amount of persuasion will change things.

[Gebidozo]

4 hours ago, Dj1991 said:

I think she felt like I was just seeing her when I felt like it but that wasn’t the case.   I don’t think she’d do that if we were together, I think she’d be great.  I was just confused by how she always said she’d be understanding, that none of this affected her and even she instigated meeting and even asked to meet for sex. She says she doesn’t wanna waste more time as she’s 30 well neither do I.  I’ve given me reasons and how I would be fully committed to proving her that I’m here now and have a support mechanism for my parents.  I told her all I need is one chance to prove it to her and if I fail I’d do my hands up but I know I wouldn’t.  
 

she’s a worrier too so I think she had alL those thoughts of this happening again, me not interested In her mixed with her now being busy in a new job and seeing family. I hope she comes round. But I’m not sure she will.  

Well, if that was just a case of you being busy taking care of your parents and not seeing her much, then I don’t think you should hope for her return, she basically just showed you that she isn’t yet ready for a committed relationship which might involve such trials and hardships.

But if you didn’t commit to her at that stage, then I understand her behavior. Waiting for someone to become committed I must be a very frustrating experience. 

I don’t know how exactly you worded it back then. If it was “Look, I’m going to see you much less now, but you’re still my girlfriend, I’m with you, please have patience and wait till things change and I’ll have more time for us”, then it’s the first case. If it was more like “Hey, I’m going to have to take care of my parents, so I can’t have a girlfriend right now, it will have to stay casual until things change”, then it’s the second.

[Dj1991]

4 hours ago, assertives said:

I don't think you did anything wrong and she had also said if she was in your position, she would do the same too. I don't think you need to overanalyze what went wrong, her responses/reaction or what she said. It doesn't matter. I think she just changed her mind. She may have genuinely not minded in the beginning and was really keen on pursuing something with you, but over time, the feelings fizzled out and sometimes that happens. You have already texted her and she didn't reply. So I wouldn't try to contact her again. Leave it be. She will contact you if she's really interested, otherwise, no amount of persuasion will change things.

Yeah maybe, just annoying when a week ago she wished I was with her and now with all these sudden plans she has it’s different. She’s never been one to not reply to me so it is strange. I’m hurt because I feel like maybe I should have handled it better and now I’ve lost her.   I hope she reaches out.

when things were quiet between us on the communication front she’d always reach out to me after a week so I was thinking of doing the same and then maybe instigating some conversation.  But I don’t know.   

[basil67]

7 minutes ago, Dj1991 said:

when things were quiet between us on the communication front she’d always reach out to me after a week so I was thinking of doing the same and then maybe instigating some conversation.  But I don’t know.   

A lot of the conversation has been around the fact that the two of you weren't committed and so her deciding to walk away is understandable.

But I think that the long silences would have been problematic in a committed relationship too.  If it were me in a committed relationship, i'd be understanding about you needing time to be with your parents and organise stuff.   But I wouldn't be OK with such long gaps in communication.   I just can't get my head around someone who says they care going for a week without touching base on a regular basis.   The fact that she'd always do the reaching out after a week of non communication tells me that she tried but got fed up with lack of reciprocation.  

I find it really hard to believe you couldn't carve out 10 minutes a few times a week to call her.

[Dj1991]

2 hours ago, basil67 said:

A lot of the conversation has been around the fact that the two of you weren't committed and so her deciding to walk away is understandable.

But I think that the long silences would have been problematic in a committed relationship too.  If it were me in a committed relationship, i'd be understanding about you needing time to be with your parents and organise stuff.   But I wouldn't be OK with such long gaps in communication.   I just can't get my head around someone who says they care going for a week without touching base on a regular basis.   The fact that she'd always do the reaching out after a week of non communication tells me that she tried but got fed up with lack of reciprocation.  

I find it really hard to believe you couldn't carve out 10 minutes a few times a week to call her.

I could, but I felt that if I did it would create more problems with all I had going on and not knowing when I’d be able to come back and see her.  I took everything day by day with my parents. I initially said to leave thin  gf an and I’d reach out when it gets resolved to see if she’s still willing to continue things.  We were never officially together.   
 

yes I wish I’d have checked in but I didn’t want her to get involved in what I had going on and then adding that stress on to her and wanted to come back clear and committed.   Anyway, I hope she reaches out but only time will tell i guess.