1234 Posted August 21 Share Posted August 21 (edited) Im going to try to keep this breif (ish) but like many others on here i am feeling so torn and hurting. I am unhappily married and going through separation. After a drunken work night i slept with someone from work who is also married. It was so out of chatacter, i have never done it before. We layed talking for hours after and felt so connected. Since then it developed into an affair. After 5 months his wife questioned him about where he had been that night and he came clean about everything. He is also not happy in his marriage and has said before that he plans to leave when his kids get older. He told her we were in love and wanted to be with me. Obviously its an awful time for them. They were trying to work out next steps that would be best for their children etc. It came to a point where he was going to leave the house. Started looking at flats but his kids broke down and said they wouldnt want anything to dp with me. We had long conversations and ended our relationship. He said that he was still working on leaving but didnt want it to seem he was leavinf FOR me and wanted to do it because their marriage isnt working. A month later he messaged saying he couldnt lose what we have and so is going to work towards making it happen. We have been talking since then. He tells me he loves me, says he is going to make us happen and is talking to his wife to come to an agreement about how they separate and move forward. I feel so torn. I have never loved someone the way i love him. But i feel so awful about the hurt ive caused. Im also worrying that i am being strung along as i hear so many stories where the woman is waiting forever. He has never cheated before and has been very honest with me throughout, but obviously has lied to his wife which i understand is awful. We havent met up in months since his wife found out because he doesnt want to cause more hurt while trying to navigate leaving Has anyone got any advise? Has anyone been through similar? It hurts for so many reasons. I know i am an awful person for getting involved, i never thought this would be me. Edited August 21 by 1234 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted August 21 Share Posted August 21 What about you? Are you also making plans to leave your husband? Do you have kids? Have you also told your husband that you're in love with another man? Link to post Share on other sites
Author 1234 Posted August 21 Author Share Posted August 21 I have 2 children. I am going through the process of divorcing. This was already happening before the affair began and I haven't told my husband because I don't want it to become the reason for divorce, there are many other reasons why I wanted to leave before all this. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted August 21 Share Posted August 21 Well since you're in the process of divorce I'm sure the reason(s) for it are already documented so I can't see why he'd blame you at this point. Are you still living together? It's rare for MM to leave their wives when in an affair. Even when they leave they end up going back. This one has promised you he has talked to his wife to come to an agreement to separate and divorce. It only takes 1 day to do that so what was the outcome of that conversation and what's next for them? Link to post Share on other sites
Author 1234 Posted August 21 Author Share Posted August 21 They have agreed to separate but discussing whether they sell house/ he moves out and they stay. I assume your opinion is that I am being strung along? I understand that although a conversation only takes 1 day, in order to try to do it respectfully and mutually it takes a bit longer, especially as kids are involved. Am starting to think now this is silly and I need to cut ties Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted August 21 Share Posted August 21 Are you still living with your husband, OP? And yes, you are almost surely being strung along. "Working towards" making a relationship with you happen is nonsense. Unless he files for legal separation from his wife, he is not working towards anything. 39 minutes ago, 1234 said: in order to try to do it respectfully and mutually it takes a bit longer He's already enormously disrespected her and their kids,, and they know it, so he's in Fantasy Land if he really thinks they will somehow find a solution that sits well with both of them. A separation/divorce between these two will almost surely be rough. And since he seems scared of that, well, you are likely going to be waiting a long time for him to actuallly be available to date you. You also might find that actually dating him sucks. You know he is dishonest and lacks a backbone. Not great qualities in a man. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted August 21 Share Posted August 21 (edited) 3 hours ago, 1234 said: Has anyone got any advise? I would tell him to contact me after he has file for divorce/or has papers in hand, has found somewhere to live, and things are more settled with his ex-wife/children. If this is meant to be, it will be. If you rush it, guaranteed that it will not work out/will take longer to be together because you will have to deal with all the drama (even more than has already occurred) from his wife and children. If it’s truly meant to be, you will have a much greater opportunity for success if you both take the time to settle your affairs and let everyone adjust to the new normal… You can then date and allow this relationship to grow in a healthy way - as it stands now, certainly for him, this relationship has not gotten off to a healthy and respectful start. His family is not going to let you forget that if you proceed before you both have all your ducks lined up in a row… and that takes TIME. Edited August 21 by BaileyB 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted August 21 Share Posted August 21 (edited) 55 minutes ago, 1234 said: I understand that although a conversation only takes 1 day, in order to try to do it respectfully and mutually it takes a bit longer, especially as kids are involved. I think you are not looking at weeks, or even months. Speaking from personal experience, to do it well, this process takes years… Edited August 21 by BaileyB Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted August 21 Share Posted August 21 5 hours ago, 1234 said: I assume your opinion is that I am being strung along? No, I'm trying to assess whether you are being strung along. Considering he has talked to his wife and they have decided to separate is a good start. When he in fact is separated then you'll know he's really serious. Link to post Share on other sites
Author 1234 Posted August 21 Author Share Posted August 21 Sorry it wasn't a dig. I am trying to work out whether I am and it's difficult talking about. I found this site and felt it was a good place to download my brain!! Link to post Share on other sites
MsJayne Posted August 21 Share Posted August 21 Probably wasn't a good idea for his children to be told about you, now you're the villain and that could take years to change, if ever. I think you're doing the right thing by stepping away from it, now you just need to stay away until he sorts himself out. Who decided the kids should be told? I can't think why any parent would put their children in that position, unless it was his wife using them as a manipulation tactic. Many a new relationship post-divorce has been decimated by resentful children. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted August 21 Share Posted August 21 9 hours ago, 1234 said: We havent met up in months since his wife found out because he doesnt want to cause more hurt while trying to navigate leaving This seems a bit odd, but I suppose the reason given could make sense.It could also be that you're "back burnered" etc. Hard to say without more info that you're not likely to get. I think you're only going to find out if he's actually leaving vs you being "strung along" by giving it a few more months and seeing what happens. The nice thing is, since you're "on pause", there is no pressure or need to rush. You can "give him the space he needs" to finish up his divorce while you finish yours. Once you're done with that and perhaps taken a bit of a short "breather" to adjust to being single, you can check in with him and see what concrete progress has/hasn't been made. IF there's no progress you have the option to disregard whatever he's saying and look for someone else. If he's divorced or nearly so, well perhaps you can see whether things works out for you as a couple Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted August 21 Share Posted August 21 2 hours ago, 1234 said: Sorry it wasn't a dig. I am trying to work out whether I am and it's difficult talking about. I found this site and felt it was a good place to download my brain!! It is. You can also just vent here and request no replies if you like. Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted August 28 Share Posted August 28 The best thing to do is to take a step back. Focus on your own situation, so he can focus on his. Simply stop seeing each other, and let things get settled before proceeding with the relationship. This would solve all your issues. Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted August 29 Share Posted August 29 On 8/21/2024 at 7:22 AM, 1234 said: I have 2 children. I am going through the process of divorcing. This was already happening before the affair began and I haven't told my husband because I don't want it to become the reason for divorce, there are many other reasons why I wanted to leave before all this. Have you filed for divorce? Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted August 29 Share Posted August 29 When you don’t want to be the other woman - you never communicate with the married man. Until his divorce is final - he is still married. until your divorce is final - you are also still married. get the divorce finalized before seeing anyone - proper order is key. Link to post Share on other sites
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