I saw my girlfriend dance with another man at a wedding and I can't get past it. What should I do?

[NationNat102]

 

This is a long story, but here goes:

I 'M26' have been with my girlfriend 'F26' for 1 year and 4 months. We live in Poland and moved into an apartment together at the end of this past June. We attended a wedding on July 20th, as it was one of her cousins getting married and she was invited and I was the plus one.

 

This story starts when we arrived to the wedding party. Some time after we took our seats, the DJ played the first song to dance to. We got up and danced together for a bit and then she told me that I had a small stain on my shirt and asked if I wanted to go quickly wash it off, so I agreed and went to the restroom while she went and sat down. I was in there for about a minute maybe, probably not even that, so then as I walked out from there, I saw her dancing with some other guy that I didn’t know, she didn’t know, and her family didn’t know. I was shocked, confused, and didn’t know what to do. Part of me was thinking of walking over and breaking the 2 of them up and to this day, there’s a bit of me that regrets that I didn’t in that moment. 

I see her holding one of his hands and her other hand on his shoulder while he has his other hand on her hip. I just slowly walk past, sit down, and watch it all happen. Her parents were also there watching as well as her sister’s boyfriend. From what I was told at a later point, this guy came up to her, didn’t say anything, just put his hand out and she says that she was “caught off guard” and thought that I would be okay with her dancing with someone else. Maybe she has a point there, as we never discussed this with each other before, but unfortunately that lack of communication between us led to this: her assuming I would be fine with it and me assuming she wouldn’t do it. Turns out we were both wrong. 

So I just sit there and watch them dance with each other. The only good thing that I noticed from this was that they weren’t even looking at each other and they didn’t have a smile on their faces. She finally sees me sitting down and sees that I’m disgusted by this and she does is just has this little smirk on her face. She tells me she did this out of awkwardness, but to me it boils my blood because it makes me think this whole thing is a joke to her. Finally the song ends, though this whole thing probably lasted also about a minute, but just felt like so much longer. She tried joking about this too later, saying that it must have felt like the longest song in my life (disrespectful). As soon as it ends, I get up and start speed walking over to them and then they look at each other and give each other a head nod, as if to say thank you for the dance. I can’t believe she would do that in front of me. 

As I get over to them, he starts walking away and I yell out “what do you think you’re doing?!” in Polish (I don't speak it, I just know that) but he doesn’t hear me. I then turn my attention to her and ask her the same thing. She tells me to come outside with her. When we get outside, she tells me that it’s completely normal at Polish weddings to dance with other people, even if they are strangers and even if you’re in a relationship with someone. If anyone here is Polish, please let me know down below if that’s true or not. We continue to talk about it for a bit, but it’s mostly just her trying to convince me that it’s normal and me telling her you should have said no. After some silence between us and sitting in our own thoughts, I decided to not think about it for the rest of night. With alcohol to help numb it out, it tuned out to be a fun night. 

Unfortunately since then, I haven’t been able to get past it at all, seeing her dance with another man. For about two weeks I kept sweeping it under the rug, not bringing it up to her, which was not healthy for me at all, but then one night I just let it out and told her how I couldn’t get past it and explained everything that was bothering me from it, such as the physical contact, the smirk on her face, why didn’t she just say no, why didn’t she just walk away (she said she didn’t enjoy and it was awkward, but yet continued to dance because she didn’t want to be rude to him), and the head nod at the end. She tells me that there was nothing sexual or romantic about this dance and he didn’t try flirting or anything. This still doesn’t convince me though because they were literally holding hands and she had her hand on his shoulder and his hand on her hip, how exactly does that not indicate romance?

Nevertheless, this for a short time made me feel a bit better, but eventually the same thoughts returned. We talked about it again a few days later, and she told me she didn’t even find the guy attractive and that if she knew I wouldn’t be okay with it, she would have told him no and that she doesn’t even like dancing with strangers anyway. Of course that begs the question, why did you do it in the first place then? 

For a short time after this 2nd chat, I felt a bit better about it all, but again it was short and the same hurt thoughts and feelings returned. When I tried to discuss it with her for a 3rd time, she started to get annoyed (understandably) and a bit defensive, saying things like “I didn’t do anything wrong” and “I don’t know why you’re making such a big deal out of it”. She even got mad at me for saying that I still don’t agree with what she did. Why do I have to agree with what she did?

We haven’t spoken about it in detail since this 3rd time, but just yesterday, I told her that still had these thoughts of the whole situation. She seemed more sympathetic this time around and even said “so it is because of me” as the reason why I’m having these thoughts. I’m not 100% sure what she meant by that, but maybe she does feel guilty for the whole thing and is starting to regret it? I don’t know, but I told her that I’m not blaming her because the past is the past and we can’t change it now. 

So this is where we are at and I don’t know what to do. It feels like a rollercoaster ride of emotions and intrusive thoughts. Some days are better, some days are worse, but I still think about it everyday and it’s been almost 5 weeks since the wedding. It’s the last thing I’m thinking of when I go to sleep and it’s the first thing I think of when I wake up. I regret so much not breaking up the 2 of them when I had the chance and if that song had continued for 3 more seconds, I would have gotten up from my chair and walked over and done it, regardless of what the consequences of it would have been. Yes other people would have seen it, her parents probably would have seen it, and she would probably would’ve been mad at me for it, but for some reason right now it feels all worth it rather than sitting down, watching it, and then it living in my head rent-free for 5 weeks straight and probably more.

So Reddit community, help me out here, what should I do? How long do I have to keep living with this? Why is it bothering me so much if the dance really was harmless? Is this relationship worth saving if I can’t get past this? Should I break up with her? Maybe I’m the one in the wrong here for all I know. Maybe I’m acting insecure and jealous. I’m going to speak to a therapist to see if they can help. 

To sum up, the thoughts that still bother me the most (in the following order) is when she had this smirk on her face, the head nod at the end, the physical contact, and I keep trying to picture how he approached her and how she got up to dance as she never did ( and probably won’t) tell me exactly how it all happened. 

 

TL;DR - Went to a wedding with my gf, she danced with another man, I saw it, did nothing, and now I can't get past seeing it and it's killing me everyday. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Gaeta]

37 minutes ago, NationNat102 said:

but I told her that I’m not blaming her because the past is the past and we can’t change it now. 

Which is untrue, you do blame her and you blame yourself. 

You seem overly upset for what happened. I understand your problem with it, the hand on the hip etc,  but your reaction is way out of proportion. The part of your brain that thinks you should have gone up on the dance floor to break them up has to be your Cro-Magnon brain. You would have looked like a jealous controlling boyfriend in front of her, her family & friends.  And once the family thinks you're a jealous controlling boyfriend they never let you recover from that.

The universal question: Do you trust your girlfriend?

Yes I think it will do you good to go express all this to a professional. You're about to ruin your relationship over this. I think it's a forgivable faux-pas on her part. 

[SurfCity]

Where are you from? It's normal in Poland according to your gf and in lots of other places too. It really seems like you're making a big deal out of nothing to me. You come across as very insecure being this upset over one dance. 

[Els]

Dancing with a person whom you aren't romantically involved with isn't just common in Poland, it's common in a ton of cultures, especially in 2024. Probably a bit cheeky of the guy to ask her to dance if he doesn't know her at all and it's not a setting like a dance class, but really not a big deal in any way. You're making mountains out of a molehill.

[stillafool]

Yes it's normal in a lot of cultures.  I wouldn't do that to a guy I was dating who had to step out to the restroom for a moment.  Why?  I wouldn't want to hurt his feelings.  Not that your gf did anything wrong, it's just something I would never do.

[basil67]

I think that feeling odd about her dancing with him would be completely understandable, however your reaction to it is way over the top. 

You kinda regret not making  a scene at someone's wedding - a reaction which would have been beyond inappropriate no matter what she did.  And you keep raising the issue with your girlfriend even though nothing can be done about it.   Also, I don't believe she smirked at you - I think she smiled.  A smirk simply doesn't make sense in the context.

I'm curious as to whether you have a history of holding onto anger to a point where it becomes toxic.  Has it been a problem in previous relationships?  Or friendships?  Work?

Therapy is a good idea.

[MsJayne]

She had a dance with someone else, you're acting like they stood on the dance floor with their tongues down each other's throats. More than likely she was just being polite when she accepted his offer of a dance. Your reaction comes from insecurity, so maybe instead of dwelling on what she did, reflect on why you saw it as a capital offence  . 

[Alpacalia]

Cold hard truth, you're acting like a child. If dancing with someone else for all of 60 seconds is making you have these kinds of reactions, you need to save her the trouble and end things. What will happen if a co-worker chats with her or helps her carry her shopping to the car? Will you flip out over the interaction she has with them too. No she didn't do anything wrong, Yes, you need to get over it. Unless she is screwing someone else, you need to chill out. This is childish behavior and will kill relationships faster than you think. 

I got a little jealous myself not to long ago until I realized I was being silly and told myself to knock it off because it was no big deal and nothing bad happened at all.

You're an amazing catch, you're a wonderful man, and as long as you can keep things together and stay focused on what's important, you have someone who loves you madly. Stop worrying about nothing and focus more on all the positives in your life. You shouldn't let little things like this eat at you. Block out the behavior that is driving you crazy and stay focused on the love that's right in front of you. Good luck.

 

Edited August 22 by Alpacalia

[Gebidozo]

Dancing with other people isn’t normal just in Poland, it’s normal in most countries that aren’t run by some ultra-conservative religious groups.

Your discomfort is understandable, but your reaction is total overkill. Most importantly, you need to understand where it’s coming from. It’s not because of something she did, it’s because of your own fears and insecurities. You’ll need to deal with them as soon as possible, otherwise you won’t be able to have a healthy relationship no matter what your GF does.

 

[1st Real Boneman]

Your both so young.

The bathroom trip suggested by her is a little flimsy. It is possible there where alterior motives e.g. She sent you away seeing or suggesting they wanted to dance with each other after a visual consent. Deflection is a well used tool of gaslighting ergo "making you reevaluate your reality of the situation", possibly. 

To many intimate relationships start and end without any "rules of engagement" ergo using being caught of guard is a great excuse for a personal agenda. You never discussed what is acceptable and not acceptable. This lack of acknowledgment of perminency within a relationship can cause fractures in trust and expectations. 

First remedy in this paragraph is you need to see value in who you are and as retuning to your stool gotten up and found a female to dance with e.g. observing 5 attractive females starting with the one most likely to reject you and ending with the one who would NEVER say no. Showing if her attempts were jealousy, it didn't work and backfired as one of many improvements to YOUR self asteam. There are many more Suttle and dramatic character building things you could, and still can do to keep you from the depressing episodes you've created for yourself. Which where probably nurtured into your character. 

Walking away, dancing even alone, talking to other females or males, .. are things to do. Asking this community about the customs of a culture is a feeble use of this resource. You should have known these things by this time it show your need to increase your detail understanding of people in general let alone someone you feel so intimate with. Not to be harsh but I lived through these things as a very young criminal institutionalized at the age of 4.

To rehash what happened is destructive in this incidence. You need to clear the air in a "rules of engagement" discussion if you want peace of mind and, if need be, PREPARE yourself for FUTURE relationships. Already be prepared "Luck Favors the Prepared Mind"  

Anger in a human turns into testosterone making them brave. This makes them WILLING to make steps they would think they never would evolving into gaslighting then betrayal. 

Exactly you can only learn from the past. But learn the lesson. Craft new parameters, constances and consequences. 

Regrets are what people use to look to the existential for answers instead of changing for the future. 

There's no wrong or right there's only you. How you deal with these events either build a better character or creates a weaken charter until there's nothing left.

Building a strong character will only bring success and most likely joy. Hang on to that. 

 

Edited August 24 by 1st Real Boneman
Unwanted extra LF"s

[smackie9]

Why didn't you just go up to them and say "May I cut in?" like a gentleman. Anyways this was a one time thing. It wasn't like they were carrying on, flirting, laughing etc. So I'm buying her explanation as to what happened. I agree with the others you are placing blame on her for you not stepping up. So go and figure yourself out and leave her out of it. This is your own demon.

Mom talk: You have no idea what is expected of us being female, especially in a culture that has certain expectations of us. We are taught to be passive, sweet, and to avoid confrontation. We are not allowed to make a scene, reject people, raise our voices or throw punches. We are told over and over again to "act like a lady". It is ingrained in us at a very young age. You have no idea what it's like to be a woman, especially a young one where men go after you, leer at you, check you out, hit on you, get groped on public transit, listen to lewd comments, sexually harassed in the workplace, and yet a lot of the time we are not believed or we get blamed for it because of the way we dress or must have caused it somehow. When I read posts like this, it gets me so mad. She was just dancing waltz style with a guy which is perfectly normal acceptable way to dance.

You mention Reddit. I goggled it up and the crowd there were pretty unpleasant. it's obvious you are looking for someone to back you up. Well that ain't happening. seriously you need to let this go.

Edited August 24 by smackie9

[justwhoiam]

On 8/21/2024 at 8:57 PM, SurfCity said:

Where are you from?

I have the same question. Does your obsession have anything to do with your religion and the role of women?

I want to address two aspects that haven't been discussed so far. First, you became jealous because the guy was a potential rival. If he had been an 80-year-old man, I doubt you would have given it a second thought. But since he was likely a young, good-looking guy who could attract her and wasn’t part of the family, it seems to have bothered you. So the issue seems to be with the guy and his bold move.

Secondly, from what I understand, you don’t speak Polish, and not knowing the language in a foreign country can leave you frequently wondering what is going on. My advice is to start learning the language if you really care about her, so you don’t end up feeling like an outsider. Also, make an effort to understand the culture of the country you’re living in.

[BaileyB]

If my partner displayed this kind of irrational jealousy, I would break up with him. 

[Mrin]

Holy overreaction Batman! Dude, unless you're from a very conservative culture you have some serious irrational behavior going on. You need to do a lot of work on yourself if you're going to have any success being in a relationship with a woman not from a repressive male dominated society. I would definitely suggest seeking therapy if you were raised in even a moderately western society because this (*gestures at your OP*) is seriously messed up.