Findingnem0 Posted August 21 Share Posted August 21 Just wanting an opinion on this. I was on and off with my ex for nearly two years. I put a lot of effort in but felt she was disrespectful and made me feel not valued. However Its not a reflection on her and without sounding judgemental In my opinion her behaviour is a result of past relationships and how she has been treated. I remember the first date we went on she made a comment no one has ever taken me out to dinner and drinks before. I’ll cut to the point…. Her birthday is coming up next month and we have broken up. However for closure I’ve written this letter which I’m positing in a wooden hamper box. For context the items in the box are extremely well thought out based on her and her comforts. Including a holly hobby trinket box which relates to her childhood. the letter is handwritten in ink and linked writing 🖋️. this is how it goes Dear ******* As I sit looking out over the Mediterranean, it seems strangely odd how things turn out, like déjà vu. The crisp cold sangria brings a taste of mixed memories. In writing this, I’m not reaching out, but rather providing closure and appreciation for a time I’ll always cherish. Even though you are an ex, you are still a human being first and foremost to me. I hope when you receive this parcel, you’re doing well. Inside are items that each have meaning and relate to the things you love. It took me a lot of time to think of something like this. There’s the Harry Potter owl, pyjamas to complement your lounge lamp, and the T bracelet—a fitting way to close this chapter. It all started with the Ted Baker boots—the thought to make you feel like the most special woman. You reignited the spark of romance and chivalry in me, something I didn’t realise I would enjoy and can now take with me into the future. We are both human, with emotions, and we deal with things differently. The emotional side of our journey was tough and taxing on both of us. At times, I felt like I couldn’t break down your barriers, but I always accepted you as you are. I realise now that I didn’t communicate clearly enough that I needed more balance and wanted you to express your own needs. We both tried our best. I don’t know what it was—maybe your carefree walk and demeanor when I met you for the first time in London, your softly spoken voice, maybe the cat litter diaries got me hooked, or being that person you would call to offload and share your wins and frustrations with. Who knows? Despite knowing my needs wouldn’t be met, I made a conscious decision to make you feel special regardless. You were never using me, even if you think you were—I was always aware of the dynamics and the imbalance at times. That’s why I didn’t follow through with bigger things, waiting for you to meet me at the same level so it would truly mean something. You taught me a lot—from the negatives, there are always positives. Even after we have both moved on, I hope you understand this stems from my appreciation of our time together, both the good and the bad, and isn’t meant to have a different meaning. Don’t settle for the bare minimum; hopefully, the care and support I’ve shown you is the benchmark you will accept for yourself. Thank you for letting me be a part of your journey, planning your first solo trip, your first overseas holiday with the girls, with your mum, and so many other experiences we shared and ones I felt like treating you to. Wherever you are when you read this, and no matter where I am, I will always have genuine care for you. Happy birthday! just want to know if this is well balanced and a good mature approach to provide closure and move on. thank you for feedback Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted August 21 Share Posted August 21 This is so very thoughtful on your part and I can see you've put a lot of effort into it, but I would not want this from an ex. Not the gifts or the letter. What I'd want is to be moving on and trusting that he's doing the same thing. Writing that letter would have been very cathartic for you - keep it in a box and think of it as your own closure. Hopefully you can return the gifts. Link to post Share on other sites
Gebidozo Posted August 22 Share Posted August 22 The letter is well-written and I’m sure you have the best intentions in mind. You want opinions on this, so I’ll give you mine, which you probably won’t like. Judging from my life experience, women, in general, don’t like romantic attention from their exes. The letter has a strong sentimental undertone, is emotional, heavy and a bit ponderous, perhaps slightly condescending. In any case, it doesn’t feel like a casual, friendly birthday greeting. Plus, there are presents. If your ex still has feelings for you, this will upset her, put her in a state of emotional turmoil, and prevent her from moving on. If she has fully moved on, this might make her cringe. I’m not sure whether sending it is a great idea. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted August 22 Share Posted August 22 I wouldn't send this. I've been on the receiving end of something similar from an ex-boyfriend, and it made me feel awful. Why? I could see he put a lot of emotional energy into it, and was clearly still sentimental, and I knew it would hurt him if I was honest that receiveing this sort of package after the break-up made me uncomfortable. I could appreciate the thought he put into it, but it just felt awkward accepting it and I wished he hadn't done it. I would keep the letter for yourself, as a way of purging your thoughts. I would either return or donate the times you bought her as well. I know your heart is in the right place but it's just too much for an ex. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Findingnem0 Posted August 22 Author Share Posted August 22 Thank you for the opinions. Personally I believe friendship is the foundation for any relationship. Romance goes up and down but what remains once that ends should be friendship. in no way do I believe this is a romantic gesture. I can understand a perspective on how it would be seen as romantic. Also the letter isn’t a typical closure letter as per se. I don’t feel there is a sense of longing, it’s more positive, no blaming and more thankful. I see it as appreciation on a time with someone and no different to giving a friend a gift. I wouldn’t give it to her on her birthday but a week before. Really appreciate the time and lengths of the replies. I was seeing if there was something in my approach that lacks emotional intelligence Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted August 22 Share Posted August 22 3 minutes ago, Findingnem0 said: I was seeing if there was something in my approach that lacks emotional intelligence Yes, there is. That's what we are trying to tell you. You're not seeing how this is likely to be perceived by her. 3 minutes ago, Findingnem0 said: no different to giving a friend a gift But you're exes. That's why it's completely different than giving a gift to a friend. Send it if you wish. I just don't think it's a very good idea. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Findingnem0 Posted August 22 Author Share Posted August 22 (edited) 56 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: Yes, there is. That's what we are trying to tell you. You're not seeing how this is likely to be perceived by her. But you're exes. That's why it's completely different than giving a gift to a friend. Send it if you wish. I just don't think it's a very good idea. Okay well I’ve messaged her to ask her if she’s still okay with it. I did give her the heads up before we broke up that I did order her a parcel for her birthday in advance because I didn’t think I’d be back from Australia in time. She didn’t object to it then. So ive given her the autonomy if she would like it cancelled or left as it is: the only thing I’ve added is the letter Edited August 22 by Findingnem0 Link to post Share on other sites
Gebidozo Posted August 22 Share Posted August 22 (edited) 1 hour ago, Findingnem0 said: Thank you for the opinions. Personally I believe friendship is the foundation for any relationship. Romance goes up and down but what remains once that ends should be friendship. Err, sorry, no, it just doesn’t work like that. Once romance ends in a romantic relationship, the relationship itself ends. While not impossible, genuine friendship between exes is very rare and requires both people to be completely over each other. Your letter is way too romantic to be friendly. 1 hour ago, Findingnem0 said: I don’t feel there is a sense of longing, it’s more positive, no blaming and more thankful. There is a strong sense of longing, it’s not particularly positive, there is thinly veiled blame (“couldn’t break down your barriers…”, “knowing my needs would never be met…”, “from the negatives…”, etc.), and the gratitude has a bittersweet tinge to it. 1 hour ago, Findingnem0 said: I was seeing if there was something in my approach that lacks emotional intelligence There is. This letter is clearly written for you, not for her. You needed to speak out, to put down on paper the complex emotions you were having. You needed that gesture because it gives you more closure and helps you to move on. I don’t think you should send it. Edited August 22 by Gebidozo Link to post Share on other sites
Author Findingnem0 Posted August 22 Author Share Posted August 22 Hey thank you all for the opinions. You were all right in your own views. what I decided to do was leave the autonomy with her if she wanted to receive it. she just replied back saying yes it’s fine she’s happy for me to send. The answers have guided me to actually trust my intentions but ask her first if if she still wants to receive the parcel. Which she said yes to. thank you all Link to post Share on other sites
BreakOnThrough Posted August 27 Share Posted August 27 She probably wants the attention, knowing you are still hung up on her, ideally, what does this do for YOU? Nothing I will project... Link to post Share on other sites
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