Kamikay Posted August 21 Share Posted August 21 Hi, So, I have known ”Ray” about 25+ years. He recently lost his wife (approx 1 year). He still visits her at graveside and cries about her when he is there. He is pursuing me VERY strongly. I don’t want to be a “rebound” (for lack of a better word)…. I have always liked him but we were both married. I’m not sure he is ready although he says he is. Your opinion? Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted August 22 Share Posted August 22 Losing a spouse is a traumatic experience and he still cries over her. He's still gripped emotionally and is grieving the loss. So no, I don't think he is anywhere close to being ready for another serious relationship. What does his version of pursuing very hard look like? Declarations of his deep affection, planning shared vacations, sleepovers, sharing imaginative fantasies about the future? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted August 22 Share Posted August 22 Statistically, men move on after divorce or becoming a widower much faster than women do. They tend to have a greater need for female company and domestic support than women do for men. We can't tell you if he's ready. But you can decide if you want to be with him. If you do, start out very slowly and don't move in with him anytime soon 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kamikay Posted August 22 Author Share Posted August 22 (edited) Thank you for answering. I should have noted that I am a widow as well. Losing a spouse is traumatic. I actually lost my mom, dad, daughter and husband. I don’t think there is a way to tell if anyone is “ready” for a relationship. I also dont believe there is a set timeline for when someone will move on. Ughh.. I really like him. One thing I do know about him is that he doesn’t like to be alone. Which is another red flag for me. Am I just an occupant in his world so he isn’t alone? Ray does tell me he loves me. After he says that he will say “you don’t have to say anything back.” I can tell by the way he says things that he is aware that I am not confident about us. He will often ask if I want to be with him. The only thing that comes to mind and it is what I tell him. Yes, but proceed with caution. His social media is all about her, pics of them, etc. Should I feel any type of way about that? It doesn’t bother me and that concerns me. Maybe I am not all in because normally this would make me feel some type of way. I was a friend of theirs. I use to idealize what they had. With that said, I just still feel lost on the subject. I will just have to take it day by day. I definitely don’t want to lead him on or hurt him. *and we wont be moving in together- I live about 100 miles from him. He comes up on the weekends. I am not moving any time soon and neither is he. Edited August 22 by Kamikay Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted August 22 Share Posted August 22 5 hours ago, Kamikay said: His social media is all about her He's not done mourning her and 1 year mourning the loss of a spouse isn't long. As long as his social media is a shrine to her memory he's not ready for a new relationship. Indeed you are filling a void for now. I am sorry to read you have lost so many loved ones. There is no set time you're right. When my ex-husband died his widow deleted everything of him after 1 year and moved on. His family were horrified she was moving on so fast after his passing. A friend of my daughter - his girlfriend died while driving and texting, he's still not over it after 7 years. He had multiple relationships since but they always fail and he's never been the same man. It's different for everybody. I would not date him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted August 22 Share Posted August 22 He may idealize his deceased wife in such a way that no one can ever "be as good" in his mind. Some people do things like this. That doesn't mean you can't have a relationship with him, just recognize what's going on (if it's that). I'm not a huge believer in LDRs. At 100 miles away it sounds to me more life a Friends with Benefits situation anyhow. Are you ready for or interested in that? If he's genuinely the type who needs someone around, then if/when he perhaps wises up and stops all the public lamenting of wife he may find someone closer to hand. However, he also sounds like the type who gets very "into" their one "ideal" partner, so perhaps not IF you give it a go with him and he feels things work out. You are I think "the one who got away/who he couldn't have" to him (and perhaps him to you). So he feels he "needs" to give it a shot with you. It might be great for a time as clearly there is interest on both your parts. The longer term is much less certain. It's also not clear IF you don't act how long you might have before he stops chasing you and looks for someone closer to hand. You being so distant rn might actually be "good" from his perspective if he's still mourning. Presumably he gets over that sooner or later, some folks take a lot longer than others do. If you keep saying "no" he presumably eventually gives up and looks elsewhere. Link to post Share on other sites
flitzanu Posted August 22 Share Posted August 22 a lot depends on what you want from this as well. are you wanting companionship? are you expecting he wants to marry you and have a forever after life? Link to post Share on other sites
justwhoiam Posted August 25 Share Posted August 25 On 8/21/2024 at 11:30 PM, Kamikay said: Hi, So, I have known ”Ray” about 25+ years. He recently lost his wife (approx 1 year). He still visits her at graveside and cries about her when he is there. He is pursuing me VERY strongly. I don’t want to be a “rebound” (for lack of a better word)…. I have always liked him but we were both married. I’m not sure he is ready although he says he is. Your opinion? My opinion is that both of you want to see where things go after almost three decades, but you have some reservations. Will he be as consistent with you as he was with his wife? You can’t know that right now, so don’t rush into anything. I assume you’re both in your 50s. You have two options: either reject his advances or welcome them and perhaps set some boundaries if you feel the need. You seem to be concerned that he may not have been alone long enough. I think he has, as he spent a whole year by himself, and traditionally in many cultures, mourning lasts for a year. How long after his wife’s death did he start pursuing you? Is his zodiac sign Cancer or Virgo by any chance? Moving on for me would mean stopping the public posts about her, but still bringing flowers on certain occasions (especially if they had children together) or taking care of the grave. Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted August 26 Share Posted August 26 On 8/22/2024 at 1:49 AM, Kamikay said: Thank you for answering. I should have noted that I am a widow as well. Losing a spouse is traumatic. I actually lost my mom, dad, daughter and husband. I don’t think there is a way to tell if anyone is “ready” for a relationship. I also dont believe there is a set timeline for when someone will move on. Ughh.. I really like him. One thing I do know about him is that he doesn’t like to be alone. Which is another red flag for me. Am I just an occupant in his world so he isn’t alone? Ray does tell me he loves me. After he says that he will say “you don’t have to say anything back.” I can tell by the way he says things that he is aware that I am not confident about us. He will often ask if I want to be with him. The only thing that comes to mind and it is what I tell him. Yes, but proceed with caution. His social media is all about her, pics of them, etc. Should I feel any type of way about that? It doesn’t bother me and that concerns me. Maybe I am not all in because normally this would make me feel some type of way. I was a friend of theirs. I use to idealize what they had. With that said, I just still feel lost on the subject. I will just have to take it day by day. I definitely don’t want to lead him on or hurt him. *and we wont be moving in together- I live about 100 miles from him. He comes up on the weekends. I am not moving any time soon and neither is he. I'm deeply sorry for your losses. Well, do you think you have it in you to go slow and not expect too much of him until you've been dating for like six+ months? I mean, it's a huge gamble. He says he loves you. How does he show it? Does he improve your life in any way that is unmatched by anyone else you have ever known. How does he incorporate you into his personal and family and friend life? Does he treat you like a rebound or does he treat you like a woman he knows well enough to know where she belongs in his life? I've no doubt he has some feelings for you, but he also has them for his deceased wife. And that makes for a minefield situation. He's conflicted whether he realizes it or not. I think you have a good handle on this. You're aware that he may not be ready for a relationship and you're cautious about getting involved. That's good. It's also good that you're not moving quickly into anything because that could be a red flag. You could hold off for a bit, or take a chance and it will or will not work out. If not, you end it now and suggest you get back in touch in the future, say three to six months from now, and see how he’s doing. Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted August 26 Share Posted August 26 Just offer him friendship at this time. It will relax things a bit. Keep things casual, and if he gets too much, tell him to slow his roll. Take your time, let him build his life back with interests or activities, hanging out with friends etc. I doubt he will ever stop crying over his spouse. There's grief/grieving, and then there's just simply missing them. And yes men do tend to rush to fill that void...it's different tho. death makes it different. Rebound after a loss of a spouse I would say is rare. Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted August 26 Share Posted August 26 Let's say you didn't know he was a widower who visits the grave of his wife. What you know based on his behavior that he was in a deep grief state? How good a boyfriend is he to YOU?! Push aside all "given that" ...brutal grading: how good a partner, how available a partner, is he to you right now? Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted August 27 Share Posted August 27 Only you can decide what is acceptable to you. You have great insight into his loss because of your own experience. Trust your feelings about the situation. Are you willing to get involved more deeply as things stand with his grief right now? I would just recommend moving slowly and to not ignore how things make you feel. I met a widower 8 months after his wife died. She had been terminally ill for 6 years and their marriage had been strained before that, everyone's situation is of course different. I kept it at friendship at first, but it progressed to more fairly quickly. We've been in a relationship for 5 years. I've encountered more issues with how others who knew his late wife feel about me being with him than I've experienced with how he's dealt with her loss, by far. Do what's best for you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted August 27 Share Posted August 27 On 8/21/2024 at 10:37 PM, basil67 said: Statistically, men move on after divorce or becoming a widower much faster than women do. They tend to have a greater need for female company and domestic support than women do for men. We can't tell you if he's ready. But you can decide if you want to be with him. If you do, start out very slowly and don't move in with him anytime soon Exactly this. My mother passed away almost 13 years ago…. My father has been in a serious relationship for almost 12 and a half years. He still can’t talk about my mom without tearing up… but, he has found companionship, a travel partner, a life partner in his relationship. I do believe that some men have a very difficult time alone. I also absolutely believe that they can move on with their lives and find happiness while still grieving the partner they lost. Best wishes. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted August 27 Share Posted August 27 32 minutes ago, FMW said: I've encountered more issues with how others who knew his late wife feel about me being with him than I've experienced with how he's dealt with her loss, by far. This is very true - it definitely takes time for those who have loved and lost the deceased spouse to adjust to the new partner. Sensitivity helps the situation, but after a year I would hope that people are beginning to prepare for the fact that he is likely to find another relationship for himself… Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted August 27 Share Posted August 27 13 hours ago, BaileyB said: he has found companionship, a travel partner, a life partner in his relationship But is he in love with her? I am sure he cares a great deal about her but what about love? Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted August 27 Share Posted August 27 (edited) 5 hours ago, Gaeta said: But is he in love with her? I am sure he cares a great deal about her but what about love? I would like to think that they love each other, but I’ve never actually asked. He has been very clear, and early on he was very sensitive, about the fact that it’s his life and his relationship. I respect that boundary. I don’t remember ever hearing them say “I love you,” but I hope they do. I’ve seen them be affectionate toward each other and they both clearly care for other (in the way that they do things to help each other, they care for the other when they are unwell, etc…). It is a very loving and caring relationship - they have been together about 1/3 of the time he spent with my mom - so it’s not an insignificant period of time in either of their lives… I am of the opinion that life only gets more complicated as we age. Loss is inevitable and grief makes everything more complicated. I don’t see any harm in exploring the relationship (assuming that you are interested in doing so), I would just be sure to communicate and take things slow so that both people are comfortable. I offer my story only as one example, and if I had one piece of advice having lived through a similar experience it would be to be considerate to the feelings of others - while you may be excited by the prospect of a new relationship, others are letting go and dealing with grief after losing a very special loved one… they are likely to have a multitude of feelings about this new relationship - give them some time to get used to the idea… Edited August 27 by BaileyB 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ms.stressed Posted August 28 Share Posted August 28 Trust him until he gives you a reason not to. If he says he's ready, believe him. Don't waste your time worrying about outside factors, you could be missing out on genuine happiness for a second time. I hope it helps. Link to post Share on other sites
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