Capetownkendra Posted August 21 Share Posted August 21 (edited) I lied to my friend/roommate. I left my husband about 5.5 months ago after 7.5 years of sexual, financial and psychological abuse, constant lying, manipulating, gaslighting, infidelity, criminal activity, substance abuse etc. etc. etc. My hands weren't clean. I had been finally planning my exit back in January after I found out he committed tax fraud and then lost his 12th job in less than 7 years. I was slowly getting my ducks in a row. This was after years of knowing that the marriage wasn't going to last. I was staying because at the time, I wanted to make it work for my kid. In March, an old boyfriend sent me a friend request. We started chatting, catching up after about 11 years of not being in touch. About 2 weeks in, we started developing feelings. Two weeks after that, I left my husband. My husband found everything from about a week after we separated because he hacked and tracked my phone after coming to the home and getting my phone while I was sleeping. I had deleted my messages prior to that so he has no physical evidence that we were speaking before that though with the nature of the messages, it would be hard to believe that we weren't conversing prior, even with knowing that me and the old boyfriend have known each other on and off for almost 20 years. My husband is smearing my name like crazy. The affair part is true but he claims its being going on the whole marriage rather than the 2 weeks, that I abandoned him and I'm now living with my new lover (he lives 5.5 thousand miles away) that the affair is the REASON the marriage ended. It wasn't. It just got me out of it a lot faster. I was already contacting divorce lawyers months before the other man came back into my life. I told my friend/roommate that I was talking to the old boyfriend but maintained that it was a few days after I left my husband. I don't know why I lied. I think I was worried that he would be disappointed in me. He was initially disappointed about me talking to this guy so soon but also didn't blame me as he's watched the way I've been treated for years while he's lived with me and my husband. I was also worried that it would get back to my husband and confirm everything. There was a lot of post separation abuse. Police, victim services and the women's shelter had to get involved so I didn't want this information getting back to him through anyone and the abuse escalating further. My roommate and I have become very close through all this and he tells me he's proud of me and respects me for leaving. But I've lied to him and not corrected it and maintained that ir was after the separation and it's been almost 6 months. He defends me to people who my husband has talked to about it. I feel terrible but I don't know what to do. Edited August 22 by Capetownkendra Link to post Share on other sites
MsJayne Posted August 22 Share Posted August 22 Don't worry about it. Your ex-husband deserves every bit of this. Decades ago I lived with an abusive POS and when I left he refused to let me get my belongings. So I arranged with a friend, whose husband was a glazier, to go around to my ex's house when I knew he'd be out for hours and remove a window. l took what was mine and the window was replaced with no signs of break and enter. My ex brought in the police and I was questioned about it, and I lied through my teeth and denied the whole thing. The ex was warned not to try to use police to harass me. I've never felt the slightest bit of shame for it, men who bully and abuse women deserve every bit of crap they get. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Capetownkendra Posted August 22 Author Share Posted August 22 31 minutes ago, MsJayne said: Don't worry about it. Your ex-husband deserves every bit of this. Decades ago I lived with an abusive POS and when I left he refused to let me get my belongings. So I arranged with a friend, whose husband was a glazier, to go around to my ex's house when I knew he'd be out for hours and remove a window. l took what was mine and the window was replaced with no signs of break and enter. My ex brought in the police and I was questioned about it, and I lied through my teeth and denied the whole thing. The ex was warned not to try to use police to harass me. I've never felt the slightest bit of shame for it, men who bully and abuse women deserve every bit of crap they get. Ya, I don't feel much guilt as far as my husband goes. It's the guilt of not telling my friend that I started having an emotional affair 2 weeks before the marriage ended and then I chickened out and didn't tell him the truth later and now so much time has gone by and it's been a pretty regular topic of conversation and I'm too nervous to set the record straight with my friend. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
happyhorizons Posted August 22 Share Posted August 22 4 minutes ago, Capetownkendra said: Ya, I don't feel much guilt as far as my husband goes. It's the guilt of not telling my friend that I started having an emotional affair 2 weeks before the marriage ended and then I chickened out and didn't tell him the truth later and now so much time has gone by and it's been a pretty regular topic of conversation and I'm too nervous to set the record straight with my friend. Be easy on yourself. You did what you felt was best for YOU at the time. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
OKtoday Posted August 22 Share Posted August 22 There will be a better day to tell him. Link to post Share on other sites
MsJayne Posted August 22 Share Posted August 22 1 hour ago, Capetownkendra said: I started having an emotional affair 2 weeks before the marriage ended This is nothing in your big picture. Needing to talk to someone who cares about you and feeling a connection with them isn't even worth mentioning to your roommate, it's irrelevant in the overall situation. Stop worrying. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
ShyViolet Posted August 26 Share Posted August 26 Why does it matter whether your friend knows that you started talking to the guy 2 weeks before you left your husband, or a few days after. To me that is a detail that doesn't make that much difference. You just got yourself out of a very difficult, abusive situation and you've been through a lot. If this friend cares about you then they will be supportive of you. Your friend already knows the most important facts. You are not obligated to share every single piece of information about your life with your friends. Share what you feel comfortable with. Focus on rebuilding your life. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted August 26 Share Posted August 26 On 8/22/2024 at 11:21 AM, Capetownkendra said: It's the guilt of not telling my friend that I started having an emotional affair 2 weeks before the marriage ended and then I chickened out and didn't tell him the truth later and now so much time has gone by and it's been a pretty regular topic of conversation and I'm too nervous to set the record straight with my friend. You've done nothing wrong here - what you choose to share with friends is completely up to you. And besides, a two week emotional affair before you leave someone is NOTHING in the grand scheme of things! Rather than being bothered about the two week emotional affair, I'm more worried that you think you owe your friend absolute honesty even when you don't want to share. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted August 26 Share Posted August 26 I don't see why you'd need to divulge this to your friend. It's your business, and yours alone. Friends don't need to know absolutely everything. Maybe consider exercising a little more disrection in terms of what you share with this specific person. It sounds like you may have already told him more than you were comfortable with. You're over-thinking this. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted August 30 Share Posted August 30 On 8/21/2024 at 8:21 PM, Capetownkendra said: It's the guilt of not telling my friend that I started having an emotional affair 2 weeks before the marriage ended and then I chickened out and didn't tell him the truth later I don’t think it’s any of his business. You are entitled to a little bit of privacy, not every detail needs to be shared all the time. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts