She chose the other guy

[calmingllama]

I started talking to this girl from March. From the start there was an instant connection and it was a month until we actually slept together. I was coming off a long term relationship that ended in November and she knew that and she expressed how she knew this was "something casual" and she was a "rebound". Her words not mine. This kind of stuck in my head. 

 

We carried on talking every day and having very personal and deep conversations. I had some personal stuff going on in May and June with a family member dying and work being crazy that we didn't get to see eachother much but still spoke all day every day over text. She expressed in May that she wanted to know what I was now thinking as she'd been taking to someone else since January but had stopped when we were sleeping together. I was still a bit confused over my situation so I didn't give much away as I hasn't thought about it much.

 

Start of July she told me she had developed strong feelings for me and wanted to know where I was as the other guy she had been talking to was sure. I told her I didn't really feel romantically but regarded her as a very close friend, closer than I'd ever had actually. The day after I had no idea why I said that to her because it was obvious I had feelings for her but for some reason I wasn't too sure when she asked and immediately wanted her to have a chance with someone who could make her happy etc.  I think I may have reacted like that because of the crap couple of months I'd had and the whole casual label has stuck in my head.

 

Met up with her the day after to explain that I had feelings and I wouldn't be happy if she dated someone else. A week later I reiterated that and she said it sounded like I wanted to have my cake and eat it but that I deserved a chance to work out my feelings. 

 

A week later she tells me she's dating the other guy now which crushed me..we met up and I told her how I had wanted to give us a go officially and it was upsetting etc and we kind of carried on talking like we had for the last 5 months. We met up 2 weeks later for the day, spent the whole day together where she said she was going to chat to the other guy about cooling down as she'd felt pressured. The day felt like the perfect date without anything physical. Again, another week went by after she met him like nothing happened and we were great, she gave me a necklace she'd purchased for me, told me things like I need you in my life and we planned to meet on the Saturday where I was going to express more feelings (I prefer to wait to do this stuff in person than text which I now think was a big mistake), everything felt like it was coming into place etc but then things went quiet for a few days and eventually I got it out of her that she'd decided to give him a chance because he took the conversation well.

 

I was left so confused and crushed...I know I'd been unclear but I was still processing things and she said she wanted to go with someone who had always been clear about what they wanted. Cited that I'd just come out of a long term relationship etc. I appreciate that but our connection was so pure....is there a chance she experiencing the same with him? She told me that hadn't slept together as he wanted to get to know eachother before anything. She said she had very strong feelings for me...can you have those for 2 people at the same time? She apologised for her being so unsure and said she let things ride as was worried she was making a mistake.

 

I'd still like to be friends because we had such a strong connection...is that possible? It's been almost 3 weeks now and our text conversations are very one sided, I just feel like she suddenly doesn't care anymore, doesn't make an effort and if I ask she says she doesn't know what to say and is trying to focus on her new relationship.....what do you think I should do? Move on or give her space and see if we can reconnect? I don't know if anything I could have said the week before would have changed the outcome. Half of me feels played, the other half understands it was a bad timing situation but I just don't know, I'm left feeling broken.

 

[Gebidozo]

If a girl chose another guy over me for a serious relationship, I wouldn’t ever consider her as a possible partner again. 

The way I see it is this: if she likes the other guy more than you, you should let her go. If she likes you more but still chooses to be with the other guy, you should still let her go. I wouldn’t date a woman who chooses to be with one guy while there is another one she likes more.

[Gaeta]

2 hours ago, calmingllama said:

She said she had very strong feelings for me

She said that to let you down easy.

There is no pot of gold for you at the end of that rainbow. You say your good byes and you move on. How would you like to be dating a lady and she keeps in close touch with a man she used to have sex with? You would not like that very much. That's what you're doing to her & him. 

When we did not take time to heal after a breakup and we go back to dating, those very first rejections are really hard to take. You will get over this. Just move on. 

Edited August 22 by Gaeta

[smackie9]

I get it...that urge to hang on, to fight, to hope you will get your chance...so not worth it. We all have been there, it's a terrible spot to be in...rejection, second place. It sucks but you definitely have to move on.

Edited August 22 by smackie9

[introverted1]

I don't blame her.  Each time she told you she had feelings for you or asked where you were headed, you put her off

2 hours ago, calmingllama said:

I started talking to this girl from March. From the start there was an instant connection and it was a month until we actually slept together. I was coming off a long term relationship that ended in November and she knew that and she expressed how she knew this was "something casual" and she was a "rebound". Her words not mine. This kind of stuck in my head. 

Did you ever correct this notion?

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 She expressed in May that she wanted to know what I was now thinking as she'd been taking to someone else since January but had stopped when we were sleeping together. I was still a bit confused over my situation so I didn't give much away as I hasn't thought about it much.

So in May you were not that that interested.

Quote

Start of July she told me she had developed strong feelings for me and wanted to know where I was as the other guy she had been talking to was sure. I told her I didn't really feel romantically but regarded her as a very close friend,

And in July you shut her down.

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Met up with her the day after to explain that I had feelings and I wouldn't be happy if she dated someone else.

This falls into the category of too-little-too-late.

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A week later she tells me she's dating the other guy now which crushed me..we met up and I told her how I had wanted to give us a go officially and it was upsetting etc

You didn't tell her you wanted to give it a go until you thought she was moving on. Again, too little too late.

Quote

Again, another week went by after she met him like nothing happened and we were great, she gave me a necklace she'd purchased for me, told me things like I need you in my life and we planned to meet on the Saturday where I was going to express more feelings (I prefer to wait to do this stuff in person than text which I now think was a big mistake), 

Presumably she gave you the necklace in person and told you then about needing you in her life, but you again deferred discussing your feelings. 

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I know I'd been unclear but I was still processing things and she said she wanted to go with someone who had always been clear about what they wanted.

Bingo.  Here is your answer.

She gave you ample opportunity to express your feelings and you did not.  Perhaps it is too soon for you to be in a new relationship, which is reasonable, but then it is also reasonable for her to recognize that and walk away.  If by some chance you truly had feelings for her but were just unwilling to share them, then it's also reasonable for her to move on.

The lessons here are that you shouldn't try to start a new relationship until you've healed from your previous one, and when your partner asks about your feelings, be honest.

[Calmandfocused]

You sound like a nice guy but I agree with others. Women don’t want men who are emotionally unavailable and flip floppy. 
 

She had to weigh everything up in terms of which was the better prospect for her. She chose the other guy. 
 

This doesn’t mean that you are worth less than him. It just means that the other guy is a better fit for her right now.

Next time: only date when you are emotionally ready to do so. This way you will be clear in your intentions from the start. 

[mark clemson]

4 hours ago, calmingllama said:

I'd still like to be friends because we had such a strong connection...is that possible? It's been almost 3 weeks now and our text conversations are very one sided, I just feel like she suddenly doesn't care anymore, doesn't make an effort and if I ask she says she doesn't know what to say and is trying to focus on her new relationship...

Time to give up the chase.

You aren't doing yourself any favors if you want to "stay friends" but really are interested in more. It's just interfering with you bonding with a new partner. Clearly whatever feelings she may have had are NOT stopping her from doing that with her new BF.

She's made her choice. You need to recognize that, stop grasping at straws, and move on. "Feelings" can be great, but in this case they're interfering with you doing what you need to do. Re-triggering them with continued contact, "pining" etc is to put it bluntly counterproductive.

What you need in this particular case is a "clean break."

Edited August 22 by mark clemson

[FredEire]

I don't blame her for wanting to be with a guy who is sure that he wants her.

I think the fact you went hot and cold on her and said you wanted to be friends with etc is your subconscious telling you your feelings are still all over the place after the breakup and you're not ready to commit to someone else.

Which is ok, you shouldn't blame yourself for that. The good news is you know now that you can connect with someone else, as a big part of breakups is feeling like that was it, that was the one and now you've blown it. It may now feel like it now but if nothing else she's taught you that there's light at the end of the tunnel, you just aren't quite there yet.

[maggiemtn]

Have you considered that you’re experiencing FOMO versus *actually* having romantic feelings? You had a golden opportunity to be with her and you told her you weren’t into her. It’s easy when you’re the one being pursued and know someone is into you. But when they decide they’ve had enough and someone available comes into their life and they decide to try that, it stirs up all kinds of feelings. I’m sure deep down you want her to be happy. If so, let her be. I don’t see anything in your OP that sounds like she was playing you, but you have a right to work through your feelings. It’s okay you weren’t in a place to take on a serious relationship, but don’t confuse being sad someone is moving on and you won’t be able to text/meet up like you used to and a real relationship that requires two people be all in. 
 

You sound like a nice person. Give yourself time to heal and date when you’re truly ready. 

[ExpatInItaly]

On 8/22/2024 at 3:03 PM, calmingllama said:

I'd still like to be friends because we had such a strong connection...is that possible?

This is not a good idea, and probably not possible anyway. If she's with someone else, it is unlikely she would disrespect him by continuing to be friendly with a guy she'd recently dated who has feelings for her. Please don't go this route. It'st just not realistic and will keep you stuck. 

On 8/22/2024 at 3:03 PM, calmingllama said:

if I ask she says she doesn't know what to say and is trying to focus on her new relationship

Respect her choice now. She has gone with someone else and doesn't want to try with you anymore. There is nothing left to say there. With you, it wasn't a match anymore and she prefers to be with him. That stings, but that's all there is to it. 

On 8/22/2024 at 3:03 PM, calmingllama said:

Move on or give her space and see if we can reconnect?

This is pointless. She is dating him, OP. Give yourself space so you can accept that it didn't work out, and move on. 

[basil67]

In addition to all the flip flopping, you didn't see her for a whole two months in the middle of this.   Yes, I get that you may not see someone for a week when a family member dies and you're busy with funeral arrangements....but there's no excuse for not seeing someone you allegedly care about for a whole two months.  Surely you weren't working from 7am to 10pm for seven days a week. Or if it was true, it shows that you don't have the space for a relationship.

Even if there had been nobody else in the wings, if I'd been in her shoes, this would have been a dealbreaker for me. 

When dating, you need to figure out what you want.  If you want the girl, then act like it and prioritise her

[mortensorchid]

Sorry this happened to you.  But guess what?  That's life.  People choose someone or something else over another all the time.  

Just move on.  It's not pleasant but, it's what it is. 

 

[justwhoiam]

On 8/22/2024 at 3:03 PM, calmingllama said:

I started talking to this girl from March. From the start there was an instant connection and it was a month until we actually slept together.

I guess I'm the only one here who feels sorry for the girl. To sum it up:

She told you she knew it was a casual relationship (it’s common sense—girls talk, read, and know a lot about relationships, including rebounds), and you didn’t react to that, thus confirming or acknowledging it. You had sex in April. In May and June, there were few dates, then in July, she wanted to know where she stood, and you literally friendzoned her in no uncertain terms (a low blow) and even encouraged her to go out with someone else (an awful move). She was obviously into you and not the other guy. Why? Because she liked you more, as she even told you she had strong feelings for you and most of all, let the ball be in your court. But you let it go again. At the beginning of August, you met her after weeks of not seeing each other, and there was nothing physical (talk about failure). You wrote, "The day felt like the perfect date without anything physical." Someone needs to burst your bubble: nothing physical after weeks and a perfect date are an oxymoron. Give her more credit—she even bought you a necklace to show how special and important you were to her, and what did she get in return?

If you want to be successful in a relationship next time, you can take it slow, but be proactive. Don’t sit around like an amoeba. Show the other person you care so that no one else has to endure six months of you being wishy-washy.

[FredEire]

On 8/22/2024 at 9:27 PM, maggiemtn said:

Have you considered that you’re experiencing FOMO versus *actually* having romantic feelings? You had a golden opportunity to be with her and you told her you weren’t into her. It’s easy when you’re the one being pursued and know someone is into you. But when they decide they’ve had enough and someone available comes into their life and they decide to try that, it stirs up all kinds of feelings. I’m sure deep down you want her to be happy. If so, let her be. I don’t see anything in your OP that sounds like she was playing you, but you have a right to work through your feelings. It’s okay you weren’t in a place to take on a serious relationship, but don’t confuse being sad someone is moving on and you won’t be able to text/meet up like you used to and a real relationship that requires two people be all in. 
 

You sound like a nice person. Give yourself time to heal and date when you’re truly ready. 

I agree, it seems like OP might only be interested when the girl is not or is no longer interested.

A pretty comment in experience in dating unfortunately, but one that's a sign he's not emotionally available.

[Alpacalia]

Try not to be too hard on yourself. You were going through a lot and she understood that.

I think your ego is a bit stung here but that's understandable. You're still dealing with some hurt from your last break up, someone new shows an interest in you, it feels good, and then 'poof-she's gone.'

It sounds like she was very much into you but when she couldn't lock you down-she moved on. 

I think it would be wise to stop contact for now. She is in a relationship now.

Next time, you'll be more vocal about your feelings and intentions when it is with the right woman. I understand that this time you were going through something, maybe you were not in the right frame of mind, but the loss of this woman could lead you to understand how important it is to be clear about your feeling towards someone.