Expat feeling miserable after a trip to the motherland

[gimlynick]

To make it short: I've ( European ) been living 5 years together with my wife ( South American ), 2 years in Western Europe ( where we met and lived ) and now 3 years in South America. We are a great team and are having a nice romantic life. In Europe we used to spend a lot more time together thanks to our jobs. In South America things have changed. My wife her family has a large business and she is one of the general managers. I had to start creating my own business to generate a reasonable income which little by little is becoming more successfull. 

Thing is... I don't like this life. I used to work for the government and got paid very well at the end of the month. Stress free, lots of free time, free healthcare, lots of traveling. Now I need to do things to earn money that I don't really like or care about. 

My wife is 12 hours a day away from home ( in Europe this was 8-9 hours... ) and she is exhausted when she is back home. I work from home and feel lonely. I am from a little town, we are living now in a huge city. Good things about this place are the climate and her big, social family that I really like. 
But even with all the negativity I was little by little feeling good in my new country. We are checking to move to a small town next to the ocean and we were planning to raise some kids over there.

Recently I've been ( alone ) to my homecountry for a month to visit my (grand)parents and family. It's the third time that I go... But now it has hit me different. It felt incredibly hard to say goodbye and for the first time I really realized that I don't like the place where I currently live. I realize that my previous life was so much better and healthy. Everything was properly organized, I don't need to worry in Europe about school prices, hospital bills, huge driving distances, my family living insanely far away, business stuff that consumes time and stress, not having any real friends in my new country etc... Here in South America I have to worry about all those things, a roof that is leaking, criminality in the streets, dangerous driving etc. 
We have talked in the past about going back to Europe, but I know my wife will never be happy there. As mentioned her family is big and amazing. I just have my parents and one grandmother. That's it. She has siblings and their children, cousins, etc. Also she had a hard time dealing with the rainy climate in Western Europe. 

I am not sure what to do. My wife is in her mid 30's and doesn't want to wait another year before starting with children... And now I have this huge fear that I do not want to raise kids over here. I want kids in Europe, not in a place that doesn't feel secure. Running away from this situation would break my heart... But ignoring all these signs is giving me anxiety and stress. The idea to leave my parents alone ( they really don't want to come life in a '3rd world country'... even if it isn't ( if you have money )) also is killing me. 
When I dream I see myself growing old with her and a couple of kids... But it's always in my homecountry. I don't see a future here. 

 

Thanks for reading, I really needed this. 

 

[MsJayne]

You're in a difficult predicament. Does your wife know how unsettled and unhappy you are? I see your point of view as far as not wanting to raise children in a third world country, so maybe you need to discuss that with her if you're planning to have a family together. The isolation you're experiencing would be a deal breaker for me, and giving up the safety of a solid, well-paid job in a safe country to go and live in a developing nation would eventually cause huge resentment. I guess you have to make a big decision about the future of your relationship, and given that you have a good marriage it will make that very hard, but I'd be sitting your wife down and explaining that you had a better life in Europe and a better life is what you want for any children that might come along. You have to ask yourself why your wife's preference is more important than your own and why you're expected to relinquish the things you value. 

[Gebidozo]

You should definitely explain all this to your wife. Have a serious talk. Be open and sincere. This is a difficult situation, and your needs are as important as your wife’s. I’d argue that in this case, your argumentation is stronger. If you can live in Europe, your kids will, indeed, have a better, safer life. Hopefully your wife will understand that.

[NuevoYorko]

I looked back at your posting history and saw that you already were feeling this way in 2022, so it's been going on a while and not getting better. 

Plus, you chose to post this in the "Breaks and Breaking Up" forum.

So it appears to me that you are already pretty much out the door, and not expecting to remain in this South American country OR your marriage at this point.  

I would like to know how your communication with your wife has been going, regarding these strong feelings you have, over the past 3 years of living there with her?   Does she have a general sense of what you're experiencing?  Or will this be a surprise to her?

 

[ExpatInItaly]

On 8/22/2024 at 6:55 PM, gimlynick said:

Running away from this situation would break my heart...

Fellow exapt here (obviously). I can relate to much of what you're saying - but I wouldn't view this as "running away." I would view it as you making a logical, thought-out decision that will affect the rest of your life. You would hardly be running away when it appears you have given it a fair chance. 

You need to have a very honest conversation with your wife. You might be able to find a solution, but you might also need to concede that this isn't the life you want and that it's time to respectfully part ways. Pleease don't delay this talk any further, since your wife would like to start a family. If it isn't going to be with you, she could still have the opportunity to do so with someone else.