Just found out a woman I've been dating for six years is married

[Popeye_Jones]

Naturally, this is a crushing blow, finding this out. I swore I'd NEVER get with a married woman. And now, I have, unwittingly. It makes me SICK. The crazy thing is, by all indications, she is NOT unhappy with her marriage. FAR from it. She treats the guy like an absolute king. I did some digging, and they have been married for 23 years! The whole thing just vexes me. To say that this raises a ton of questions would be a MASSIVE understatement. I mean, I ask myself, "dummy, how could you have missed the signs?" Well, as nutty as this sounds, there really weren't any signs. She mentioned ZERO about him or even alluded to him in any way, shape, or form. Another big question raised was how did he not see what I posted on her FB page? I mean, I'm dropping all kinds of "I love yous" with hearts and all that. And he somehow MISSED that for 6 years? Well, that question was partially answered when I did a little more digging and went all the way back to 2011 on her timeline and she mentioned to someone in the comments section of a post how he (her husband) doesn't do social media. 2011 was their 10 year anniversary. It's literally the only thing ever posted about him on her entire FB page. And she says precious little. Someone simply asked (in 2011) how long her and (hubby's name) have been married and she replies "10 years". Someone directed me to very recent pics on someone else's page of her and him doing the whole family thing. I knew she had kids, but assumed they were from a previous marriage, not a current one. Another raised question was, did nobody on her FB page ever inform her husband that some guy is all over his wife's page declaring his love for her? Why would a woman SO in love with her husband of 23 years need somebody else? Was there just something terribly lacking in her marriage that she felt would never be fulfilled by him, despite her undying love? I have not confronted her about this. Instead, I I tested her. I figured I would try something that would absolutely force her hand. You would think that me getting down on one knee and proposing would spark a little worry in her or something to the effect of "oh crap. Now what do I do?" I mean, if a situation like that isn't truth time, then I don't know what is. She did look a little taken aback. But....she ACCEPTED my proposal!! I am "engaged" to a married woman. For now. So...I'm curious to see how far she goes with it. Naturally, her and I are done. I am just seeing how long it'll be before she feels that she MUST speak up and say something. Or if she's committed to riding the charade out all the way to the altar. 

[Popeye_Jones]

10 minutes ago, S2B said:

Oh wow… why not show up at her door late at night and let her husband know you are her “fiancé”?

That's where it's headed. I'm seeing what all she will do and how she is handling it. I asked her if she would announce our engagement on her FB page and she said "sure" but she hasn't done it. She's probably going through her friends list and making sure it won't be visible to anyone who knows her husband LOL 

[OKtoday]

Have you been to her home or met her family?

[Popeye_Jones]

1 minute ago, OKtoday said:

Have you been to her home or met her family?

Her parents are both deceased. She has siblings, but they don't live close by. I've met her kids. They saw their mom and I be affectionate, so that makes me wonder what they told their dad, or if she told them it was best not to mention it to him, but that would then make them ask why. Her home sure didn't look like a man lived there. The whole thing is just bizarre 

[Popeye_Jones]

5 minutes ago, S2B said:

How often did you see her?

how long were you dating?

did you ever take trips together?

didn’t you ever realize she may be busy with her family at the holidays? Weren’t you with her on holidays?

I actually first met her over 20 years ago. We knew each other very briefly then. We were just friends. Fast forward around 14 years later and we reconnected, but this time, we are more than just friends. We got together here and there when we first reconnected. Then it was a little more regular. The pandemic hit, so we didn't do anything in person for a little over a year, but we video chatted a lot. Then as that began to ease, we started getting together again. We took several trips together. During the holidays, she would go be with family, but then, she would make time to come be with me and my family. If she ever took phone calls or texted him when she was with me, she hid it very well. The crazy thing is, even when we first met way back in 2003, she was married to this same guy, even way back then. 

[basil67]

 

4 hours ago, Popeye_Jones said:

I knew she had kids, but assumed they were from a previous marriage, not a current one.

Please correct me if I'm reading this wrong, but the way this is worded, it sounds like you've never met her children in six years?!  If you'd been together in a relationship, surely she'd have had family gatherings and you'd been part of it and met her extended family.  It also sounds like you've never had conversations about your pasts and what happened with the father of her children and what the divorce was like.   You also used the term "dating" instead of "in a relationship with".   And why would you propose to her instead of having an actual conversation to clear things up?

I'm not convinced this was an actual relationship.   Or perhaps you thought it was a relationship and she thought you were a john.   Did she ever financially contribute to any of your dating?   What kind of things did you do together which people in a relationship do?   

And you said her house looked like there was no man around.  If she'd been actively married, there would have been men's items in the bathroom cabinets.  Men's items in the washing hampers and on the clothesline.  Or a drop of pee on the rim of the toilet seat.  If you'd have had sleepovers there on a regular basis, you'd have seen the evidence of a husband.

Could you help me make sense of this?

[MsJayne]

This is quite bizarre. Either she's got some serious mental issues, or they have an open relationship, but if it's an open relationship she would probably have told you. Why the fake proposal? What's the point of testing her when you know she's a bare-faced liar and living a weird double life? Why not just confront her? She's wasted six years of your life and clearly doesn't give a crap about you. Does her husband work away from home for long periods, and if not, how could she take you to her home, introduce you to her children, and have no concern that she'd be found out? It doesn't add up. 

[stillafool]

So in 6 years you never had dinner at her house or slept over at her house or her at yours?

[Popeye_Jones]

14 hours ago, basil67 said:

 

Please correct me if I'm reading this wrong, but the way this is worded, it sounds like you've never met her children in six years?!  If you'd been together in a relationship, surely she'd have had family gatherings and you'd been part of it and met her extended family.  It also sounds like you've never had conversations about your pasts and what happened with the father of her children and what the divorce was like.   You also used the term "dating" instead of "in a relationship with".   And why would you propose to her instead of having an actual conversation to clear things up?

I'm not convinced this was an actual relationship.   Or perhaps you thought it was a relationship and she thought you were a john.   Did she ever financially contribute to any of your dating?   What kind of things did you do together which people in a relationship do?   

And you said her house looked like there was no man around.  If she'd been actively married, there would have been men's items in the bathroom cabinets.  Men's items in the washing hampers and on the clothesline.  Or a drop of pee on the rim of the toilet seat.  If you'd have had sleepovers there on a regular basis, you'd have seen the evidence of a husband.

Could you help me make sense of this?

Thank you for your reply. Yes, the whole thing is just....nuts. I'm still trying to make sense of it myself. I met her kids and they saw her and I be affectionate towards each other. Of course, I wonder what they thought and how she explained it to them. She could have told them something to the effect of "he's mom and dad's friend" but then that doesn't explain ( to them) the affection we showed. I met her extended family. One of them had some questions for me,  like, "how do you and her know each other?". But I chalked it up to just an icebreaker kind of thing. She somehow orchestrated everything to where he and I were never around at the same time. Maybe he and I split the family gatherings 50/50. But, then that raises the question, where was he when he was absent from the ones I attended? It's CRAZY how she kept us away from each other. No, she never contributed a thing, financially. I "proposed" to her to back her into a corner and see what she'd say. I was a little surprised she "accepted" it. But, then again, I shouldn't be surprised. She will ride it as long as she can before breaking off the "engagement" 

[mark clemson]

I find it nearly impossible to believe anyone could date for *6* years and not find this out long before. MAYBE in a LDR, but otherwise no.

It would have to be either the most detached and not-involved style of "dating" possible OR the most detached and not-present marriage where they are married on paper only but live independent lives, probably in different areas.

Giving this story credence it almost certainly doesn't deserve, the obvious thing to do is stop "dating" her, end the "engagement,"  dust yourself off and move on.

[mark clemson]

To add - the idea that you would "test" her by planning a wedding to see if she goes through with it, etc is something I also find exceptionally ludicrous. Normal people have better things to do with their time than play games like this. Again, were I to give your story credence, I'd recommend you start seeing a therapist immediately to help normalize your romantic behavior.

[stillafool]

Why haven't you gone over to her house and confronted her - in front of her husband? That is what you should do.  He needs to know what he is married to.  Did you never sleep over at her house or her at yours in 6 years?

Edited August 23, 2024 by stillafool

[semble]

In 6 years you were never at her house, never took a long vacation with her?

There were clearly warning signs that simply went right over your head.

 

[ExpatInItaly]

How were you inside her home and saw zero sign that she has a husband?

Some details here are not adding up. 

[mark clemson]

1 hour ago, stillafool said:

Why haven't you gone over to her house and confronted her - in front of her husband? That is what you should do.  He needs to know what he is married to.

More dysfunctional game playing... it's either revenge/spite masquerading as "justice" or wrecking something that isn't his to wreck more than he's already inadvertently wrecked it.

This is like prematurely "telling" on a person who's leaving their job because "well, I think the boss has a right to know". Who's inventing these "rights"? At best it's dictating your own moral views on cheating onto others. And I understand some folks feel this is a moral imperative. But normally it's more the above.

That is, IF the story here were true.

[basil67]

6 hours ago, Popeye_Jones said:

Thank you for your reply. Yes, the whole thing is just....nuts. I'm still trying to make sense of it myself. I met her kids and they saw her and I be affectionate towards each other. Of course, I wonder what they thought and how she explained it to them. She could have told them something to the effect of "he's mom and dad's friend" but then that doesn't explain ( to them) the affection we showed. I met her extended family. One of them had some questions for me,  like, "how do you and her know each other?". But I chalked it up to just an icebreaker kind of thing. She somehow orchestrated everything to where he and I were never around at the same time. Maybe he and I split the family gatherings 50/50. But, then that raises the question, where was he when he was absent from the ones I attended? It's CRAZY how she kept us away from each other. No, she never contributed a thing, financially. I "proposed" to her to back her into a corner and see what she'd say. I was a little surprised she "accepted" it. But, then again, I shouldn't be surprised. She will ride it as long as she can before breaking off the "engagement" 

Given all of this, the logical answer is that she is divorced and she has an ex who she's civil with.   What evidence do you have that she's still married?   And instead of doing the silly fake proposal why didn't you just tell her that you were directed to this photo and ask more about the level of contact she has with her ex?

If she's not married, how will you explain the false proposal?   And if you've overreacted terribly and imploded a good relationship, how are you going to feel about it?   

[FMW]

The first thing I would have done after hearing she was married is to ask her. Testing her with a proposal doesn't make sense.  

My questions to you are (1)How do you know she treats her husband like a King? (2) You say you spent time together and went on trips together.  Have you spent time just hanging out at each other's homes, cooking, watching movies, spending the night together? (3) How much have you shared with each other about your lives?  Things naturally come up in conversation with someone with whom you are fully involved, whether or not you point blank ask something specific.  

It seems that either you haven't had a fully involved relationship for these years and have only been casually dating, or that she isn't married and you have the wrong information and/or have put together snippets of information in the wrong way.  

 

Edited August 24, 2024 by FMW

[basil67]

8 hours ago, FMW said:

It seems that either you haven't had a fully involved relationship for these years and have only been casually dating, or that she isn't married and you have the wrong information and/or have put together snippets of information in the wrong way.  

Requoted for emphasis

[Mrin]

"Hey. I need to ask you what probably seems like an oddball question but I need an honest answer. Are you married or still in a relationship with [insert guy's name here]?" would have been an infinitely better route to take.

[IrinaM]

On 8/22/2024 at 3:46 PM, Popeye_Jones said:

We got together here and there when we first reconnected. Then it was a little more regular. The pandemic hit, so we didn't do anything in person for a little over a year, but we video chatted a lot. Then as that began to ease, we started getting together again. We took several trips together. During the holidays, she would go be with family, but then, she would make time to come be with me and my family.

This ^^^ makes it sound like you were never really in a relationship. The fact that the two of you only chatted through zoom or whatever for a whole year speaks to no real commitment. Her spending time with her own family and then separately with yours also speaks to absence of a relationship. I'm sorry but this doesn't sound like you've been together since 2018.

 

On 8/23/2024 at 11:20 AM, Popeye_Jones said:

I met her kids and they saw her and I be affectionate towards each other.

What does "affectionate" mean? That's pretty vague and open to interpretation. Did your hand brush hers, or did you kiss her on the lips?

On 8/23/2024 at 11:20 AM, Popeye_Jones said:

I met her extended family. One of them had some questions for me,  like, "how do you and her know each other?".

Did you reply with, "I'm her boyfriend, we've been together for XYZ years"?

[basil67]

I notice that this was put in the 'friends and lovers' sub forum.....  

[stillafool]

On 8/23/2024 at 1:57 PM, mark clemson said:

More dysfunctional game playing... it's either revenge/spite masquerading as "justice" or wrecking something that isn't his to wreck more than he's already inadvertently wrecked it.

This is like prematurely "telling" on a person who's leaving their job because "well, I think the boss has a right to know". Who's inventing these "rights"? At best it's dictating your own moral views on cheating onto others. And I understand some folks feel this is a moral imperative. But normally it's more the above.

That is, IF the story here were true.

Confronting her in front of her husband puts her in a position to tell the truth. If she has lied to him for 6 years that's she's single, he deserves the truth.  If she is married the only game that is being played is by her.  OP thinks he's been seeing a single woman, and she still may be, so he hasn't wrecked anything.  If she is in fact married, she is the one who wrecked her marriage as well as caused a lot of damage to OP.

Look, I realize that you and I have opposing views when it comes to infidelity.  People come to these forums for opinions on various situations regarding their love lives.   They take what they consider useful from our opinions and discard the rest.  I too don't agree with a lot of your opinions, but I don't call you out over them, I keep my comments directed to the OP.  If you don't' like my comments or don't find them useful, you can just ignore them, but I'm not interested in hearing your opinions on them.

 

[Alpacalia]

Are you sure she's not separated or divorced? I mean, it doesn't sound like there is much social media activity past 2011. Unless this woman is a master  manipulator and a sociopath, my best guess is that she is either separated or divorced. Can you just ask her? Did you not talk about past relationships when  you were dating? How did you find out she is still married and living with her husband and that she treats him like a king? Are you getting all this off social media?

The whole family thing recent photo can just be two divorced parents attending a child's event, couldn't it? I'm not saying she isn't married but she would have to be a ****** liar and probably crazy if this is true. To be able to cover that many tracings for this long and be completely happy and comfortable doing so would be insane. I'm mean she would have to be living an active double life 24/7 assuming you are correct, that's nuts.

Again though, I am wondering how you even came to this conclusion and found out and from what source you found the info? What is the whole story?

[mark clemson]

17 hours ago, stillafool said:

Confronting her in front of her husband puts her in a position to tell the truth. If she has lied to him for 6 years that's she's single, he deserves the truth.   

I too don't agree with a lot of your opinions, but I don't call you out over them, I keep my comments directed to the OP.  If you don't' like my comments or don't find them useful, you can just ignore them, but I'm not interested in hearing your opinions on them.

Directing comments to OP has been "the LS way" for a few years now, so I have no issue doing that. It feels a little odd to me to make statements to OP about a hypothetical course of action in a "story" that I'm reasonably convinced isn't true to begin with, however I can certainly stick to that method WRT your posts.

As I think you know I do respect that you have different opinions. Generally I will say that I very much do respect you and your posts as well, as I find many of them to be helpful and on point. This particular idea I feel is flawed at multiple levels, and I stand by my earlier statements. However, that doesn't override the general sentiment (for me). As per your request I can direct further commentary to OP.

[mark clemson]

OP, contacting the purported woman's husband doesn't put her in a position to tell the truth. She's in that position every day, she's choosing not to (it sounds like). Confronting her in front of her husband or similar is (at best) simply ramming your views on infidelity down her throat so she is "caught".

You gain nothing from it that you wouldn't from some other course of action, such as calling her home under some pretext to see if a man answers. Unless of course you are seeking vindictive satisfaction in causing her distress.

I would note that, at least here in the US where gun ownership is common, entering a strange man's home unannounced to confront his wife, about whatever topic, is    a) unlikely to get you believed and   b) potentially a good way to get shot. Naturally, none of the people suggesting this course of action would be present to take the bullet on your behalf should that occur.

Assuming (<1%) your story is true, GL with whatever you decide to do. If not, I still think my advice might have general value to any readers, so I've bothered to post it...

Edited August 26, 2024 by mark clemson