Dating for 5 weeks, but she cant say if she is developing romantic feelings

[NP1993]

Hi All

 

Firstly thank you for any help and advice you may offer. So I have finally decided to start getting back into the dating world. I had a few dates, but I have been one girl in particular now for 5 weeks. During those 5 weeks, we have spoke every day and we first met around 2 weeks in of speaking, and have probably met up about 5 times in the last 3 weeks!

 

I was trying to take it slow and at a comfortable pace for her, so each time we met I have planned a variety of things to try give her the best time and get closer to her. We have had days out, evenings out and she has admitted herself we have had a lovely time, laughed alot and had a real good time. We kissed for the first time on date 3-4 I think it was, and it felt right, it was natural and I think it was all okay. For the 5th time we met, she suggested coming over to me, making some food and having a chilled evening, which is exactly what happened, we had food, we had a laugh, it was all smiles, we even spoke for about 2 hours really deeply about previous relationships. At this point we did sleep together for the first time. So since then, it being 5 weeks, met up so often etc... it felt like the conversation was right to ask... 'where do we think this is going' ... not to pressure into a decision but a conversation to say, are we looking to continue and see where this leads... she made me answer first and I was open enough to say I want to continue on the path we are on, I love every minute we spend together and I am always looking forward to the next time! 

 

Her response to me was that was beating herself up in her own brain because she said ... 'I've been battling with myself if im honest. My brain has done that over thinking thing it does. I had such a lovely evening with you last night but I came to the realisation today that we could be getting to a point where we need to kinda decide what this is and I still don't know what that is, or how I feel, which is completeky unfair to you. I've met a guy who has been nothing but amazing to me, I love hanging out with him, want to see him more and he makes me laugh and I'm still in a position where I can't  confidently say I'm developing romantic feelings? I mean what's wrong with me? I guess it's me and I feel like other people in my life (whether they mean to or not) putting pressure on my dating life. I feel like the next one has to be the one that sticks and it's alot Xx'

 

So I feel a bit stuck on whats right. I am growing feelings for her, and do I continue and essentially wait for her to decide what it is she wants? Or do I take a step back? leave her be? move on? As what I worry about is continuing to see her and then feeling that pain, if my feelings get stronger. I am a very understanding person and would give her all the time in the world if she needed it to truly figure things out, but is that the right things to do?

 

[Gebidozo]

My guess is this, she is probably a mature woman who takes dating seriously, and she wants to be honest with you, which is definitely a good thing.

It looks like she is developing romantic feelings for you, she is just being careful to put a label on them and wants to give it more time.

Five weeks of dating is definitely not enough to determine whether you are really in love with a person. If you like her and the vibe is good and you are having deep conversations and sexual chemistry, I’d say be patient and don’t pressure her.

If she truly has feelings for you, they will develop sooner without pressure. If she doesn’t, no amount of pressure will  help.

[Gaeta]

It takes longer for women to call something love. On average 97 days for a man and 139 days for women ( I love statistics lol). Give her a little more time BUT do not give it more than 3 months total. 

My boyfriend told me he loved me at 5-6 weeks dating. I thought he was just infatuated and it would pass, I was certainly not ready to tell someone I loved them at 1.5 month dating. I told him I needed a little more time and around 3 months I was ready to express my feelings. We've been dating 2 years now so it was not only infatuation talking, lucky me! 

[FredEire]

She seems to be very honest and mature, so the good news is that whether her feelings grow or drop off, she will probably tell you upfront.

I think at this point you should just be patient with her, I think it's normal for one person to be a bit more invested than the other in the beginning. Some of us are infatuation addicts also and feel a bit confused when something feels great and healthy but isn't driving us crazy inside.

It's hard on you if you already have those strong feelings but that's what dating is about, taking a risk and putting your heart on the line. I would try and stay patient, put as little pressure on her as possible and just focus on enjoying your time with her. After that how she ends up feeling about you is with her, you can't force that.

[Gebidozo]

6 minutes ago, FredEire said:

I think it's normal for one person to be a bit more invested than the other in the beginning.

Definitely, and it’s also important to remember that people use different words to express feelings.

When my fiancée told me she loved me, I said, “Finally you say it”. She said, “Never in my life have I said it so soon”. We then had a long conversation about love and found that I was using stronger words than her. What she called “being attracted to”, I called “having romantic feelings”, what she called “having romantic feelings”, I called “falling in love”, and so on.

[AgainstTheGrainGuy]

To start off, I have several questions:

- While you are dating her are you also dating other women separately?

- While she's dating you, is she also dating other men separately?

- Have you two openly discussed the status of your "dating" and if it's exclusive to only each other?

With other details like age and previous life experience leading up to meeting each other left out, it's difficult to get a picture of who each of your are going into this dating scenario.  That being said, it's my opinion that you asking her where things were going at only 5 weeks in was something you should not have done and it was way too soon.  First, 5 weeks in is much much too soon for either person to be asking the "where is this going" question.  Just my opinion.  Someone who is wanting to get into a committed relationship in less than 2 months screams red flag.  Nothing against you personally, I get the sense that maybe you're a bit nervous and really have feelings for her.  Next point,  it should always be her that gets to ask the "where is this going?" question.  No matter how badly it might be burning in your mind, don't bring it up and ask her; it screams needy and desperate and will likely make her feel the urge to back away from progressing things further.  You say that you asked and her immediate response was to not answer, but make you answer first.  The question probably caught her off guard and all she could think of in the moment was to find out where your mind was on the situation.  She then proceeded to tell you she was battling it out in her brain feeling like she needed to make a decision what you two are but she still didn't know and that felt unfair to you.  That's code for "I wasn't ready for this question this soon and I don't really even want to think about it, I just want to enjoy our time together without really thinking about where it's going yet, but if the stress of a deadline has to be included, it would be easier for me if we just call the whole thing off."  I'm not telling you this to try to scare you but I'm willing to bet it was after this conversation that the communication got more infrequent and her replies and communication became more delayed.  Am i right?

Look.  If you truly want something long term with her, you have to get over your fear of losing her early.  Being clingy and needy in the early stages will drive her away fast.  If you're texting and leaving messages and she's not getting back to you, it's because she feels smothered.  Go hang out with friends, have fun, perhaps even go on some dates with other women; live your life and be happy.  She will take notice and realize what she's missing out on and that will attract her to you, because you will be enjoying life and that is very.  Remember though, if she does start getting in touch again, you can't suddenly derail all your plans and start customizing your life around her all the time or you'll end up right back in the same situation again.  Have your schedule, your life, your things that you do and the areas where she can fit into it on your time.  Sometimes her schedule will match with yours, sometimes it won't.  That's life.  We're all busy.  She should add meaning and joy to your life but she should not be the center of it.  Your goal should be to get your life to a point where you are amazingly, even chronically happy while alone.  This will attract people to you like you wouldn't believe.  People see someone who truly loves living life to the fullest and they want that, or they want a part of it, or they want to come along for the ride.  Nothing is more disappointing to hop on an amazing ride to have it stop 10 seconds after you get on.  If she reaches back out to you after you've got your life active and exciting and then you cater your life to her, that's the equivalent of you stopping the ride 10 seconds after she's jumped on.

You don't necessarily have to move on from her emotionally and please don't be disrespectful to her, that never leads anywhere good, but if she's not reply or she's flat out ghosting you, you're not at all being disrespectful if you stop reaching out and start going about your business and living your life.  Sooner or later, she'll wonder why you stopped texting and calling and she'll wonder what you're up to or she'll see a post of your at a party or some fun event and wish she had been there with you and she'll reach out.  When she does, maybe you'll be too busy to reply right away.  Even better.  Get back to her an hour or two later, maybe the next day.  After all, she hasn't responded to you in how long?  Let her know hat you've been up to.  Be honest but don't be cocky and don't brag.  The idea is not to shame her, but to feel proud of how you've used your time away from her for being productive.

You'll be alright.  Turn your focus to yourself and chasing excellence and I think you'll find the success you're looking for.  And if it doesn't work and you don't hear back from her, you've still improved your life and happiness and she probably wasn't the one for your anyway, but other women will likely take notice and become interest.  Wishing you all the best on this journey.

[basil67]

Hi NP1993, you haven't returned to your thread, but I'll throw my feedback in just in case you do.

I think you're rushing it.  You've only had five dates, and it's too still so very early.   My advice is to continue seeing her, but gently guarding your heart at the same time.   Who knows, you might find her increasingly annoying at the 3 month mark and decide she's not the one for you.  Or you may find yourself getting closer together and will start to feel the same way.

I'd suggest drop the subject for now.  She knows how you feel, so give her time and space to figure out her own feelings.  She'll come back with her feelings when she knows.

Edited August 31 by basil67

[Goodguy05]

On 8/23/2024 at 8:09 PM, NP1993 said:

Hi All

 

Firstly thank you for any help and advice you may offer. So I have finally decided to start getting back into the dating world. I had a few dates, but I have been one girl in particular now for 5 weeks. During those 5 weeks, we have spoke every day and we first met around 2 weeks in of speaking, and have probably met up about 5 times in the last 3 weeks!

 

I was trying to take it slow and at a comfortable pace for her, so each time we met I have planned a variety of things to try give her the best time and get closer to her. We have had days out, evenings out and she has admitted herself we have had a lovely time, laughed alot and had a real good time. We kissed for the first time on date 3-4 I think it was, and it felt right, it was natural and I think it was all okay. For the 5th time we met, she suggested coming over to me, making some food and having a chilled evening, which is exactly what happened, we had food, we had a laugh, it was all smiles, we even spoke for about 2 hours really deeply about previous relationships. At this point we did sleep together for the first time. So since then, it being 5 weeks, met up so often etc... it felt like the conversation was right to ask... 'where do we think this is going' ... not to pressure into a decision but a conversation to say, are we looking to continue and see where this leads... she made me answer first and I was open enough to say I want to continue on the path we are on, I love every minute we spend together and I am always looking forward to the next time! 

 

Her response to me was that was beating herself up in her own brain because she said ... 'I've been battling with myself if im honest. My brain has done that over thinking thing it does. I had such a lovely evening with you last night but I came to the realisation today that we could be getting to a point where we need to kinda decide what this is and I still don't know what that is, or how I feel, which is completeky unfair to you. I've met a guy who has been nothing but amazing to me, I love hanging out with him, want to see him more and he makes me laugh and I'm still in a position where I can't  confidently say I'm developing romantic feelings? I mean what's wrong with me? I guess it's me and I feel like other people in my life (whether they mean to or not) putting pressure on my dating life. I feel like the next one has to be the one that sticks and it's alot Xx'

 

So I feel a bit stuck on whats right. I am growing feelings for her, and do I continue and essentially wait for her to decide what it is she wants? Or do I take a step back? leave her be? move on? As what I worry about is continuing to see her and then feeling that pain, if my feelings get stronger. I am a very understanding person and would give her all the time in the world if she needed it to truly figure things out, but is that the right things to do?

 

Can't say that that has been the experience for me in my long term relationships they knew from day one they were into me, so I would say it's not a good sign if she hasn't at this stage. Having said that, woman do tend to develop feelings a little slower than men. We instantly are attracted especially if they are good looking.

[smackie9]

dating/relationships are never without risk of getting hurt.

[Keeves1]

5 weeks of dating is a bit short to determine if things will lead to a relationship to be honest but I don't blame you! The convo you had with her came naturally and it is better to know now than later. I think you should be patient and not rush it. From what I know it takes about 2-3 month of dating in order for an person to have the right impression to put word on what they feel. Take this with a grain of salt because people are different and so are relationships. 

I would still meet her and talk with her like you always do and keep that up for some months and then see how she would feel. She seems to be an honest person so she definitely would tell you upfront. Worst case scenario - If it has been past 3 months and she does not want anything else than friendship then it's not that bad or? 

[fred123]

On 8/31/2024 at 6:07 PM, smackie9 said:

dating/relationships are never without risk of getting hurt.

True but her response isn't good. If I was a betting man she will fizzle out. She's not feeling it or interested man sorry. Is she seeing other men?

[Herkamer]

Unpopular opinion from another man, you NEVER sleep with someone who isn't your spouse already. The most obvious is if you don't want to be a parent right now, well, don't have bedroom fun. That simple. Second, many people will use you just to have that fling and go brag to others that they did or simply give into their primitive desires. Men aren't the only ones that do that, either. Lastly, other than risking STDs (which is another valid reason) you lose the spark of love. Certain people, when you get what you wanted out of the person, in this case bedroom fun, there's no need to keep them around anymore. Used up, would be a more appropriate phrase. On top of that, you really don't get to know the person as well as what you may think. A popular opinion is that you get to know the person very well when you do, but in reality, when they get burned, they obviously didn't that they were going to be kicked to the side of the curb by a manipulator and a liar. You were right to date her, but foolish to share a bed with her, because you can get to know someone through several nights out with them.

Now, should you move on? YES! Get away from the idea that you and her are going to be a thing, she just used you as burn out time. Whenever a woman says something along the lines of "I'm battling myself", it's her way of saying that she isn't into you. To take it a step further, she doesn't respect you. I think she saw you as a meal ticket because, if I read it right, she made you make her food at your place. If she really liked you, she would have invited you over to her place and made you food because, I'm guessing, you bought most of everything, if not EVERYTHING in general, while you guys were dating. It just seems disingenuous to me for her to go out with you, making you believe that there might be something there, make love just to satisfy you and her, then say "lets just be friends" and expect you to be okay with that. It's up to you whether or not you want a friendship with her or not, but honestly, I wouldn't. She played with your emotions, from what I'm reading, and I can almost guarantee she's seeing another guy or 2. Make no mistake about that. Again, I'm not a fan of people sleeping around before marriage, but if you did, no matter who it is, you better be ready to put a ring on the finger sooner rather than later.

But I'm here to tell you, move on. Honestly, I wouldn't try it with another woman for awhile. I get it, though. Your natural instinct is you're attracted to women and this girl you saw had, seemingly, shown you a good time. However, if she's not feeling it with you, let her go. Truth be told, a few months ago, there's a woman I had feelings for. Now, we never actually dated because we started out as friends, but when we got to know each other more, feelings were developing. However, something happened in the family that she had to attend to (someone very close) and the possibility of us being together faded. We're still friends, but if I were to be honest, I still have that same kind of care that I had for her before, although not as strong, since, overtime, I just didn't want to make it weird. Can things change between us? Yes, but am I holding out for her? No. Since then, other people have been trying to hook me up with others and I felt nothing for them, at least to the effect that I had for the girl I liked due to our bond. We're still hanging out, but it's not quite the same. Had it not been for our friendship and the one I have with her family (they're all good people), I would have no communication with her. Nothing wrong with being friends, but it takes discipline to not pursue her for anything more than just that. Another gal I saw and dated, she called of the relationship because of an old flame, even though things were good between us. We got off on good terms, but she had never let go of that other man. So today, we're not speaking and haven't quite been the friends we once were since we had first gone out.

So believe me when I say it's better to cut your losses now because this woman would driven you to near insanity. I understand that you like her and you can still have friendship with her if the bond is that strong, but don't expect her to commit to you any time soon, especially if she is seeing other guys. I could be wrong, but again, I personally believe she doesn't like nor respect you as much as you'd like to think. Otherwise, she would have been your gf already if she did. To women like this, unless you make well over $100k, over 6 feet tall, and have great looks like a professional athlete, she wants nothing to do with you romantically. Trust me when I say that taking it slow or fast or moderate doesn't matter to these people. If you're just a normal person, they don't want you because you're not at the top and that's what they want. To be honest, we get in over our heads at times when we start to hit above our weight class, so it does work both ways. Average is actually far better than what people think. If it's an average woman that may be perceived as having average looks, don't underestimate them. They're far better people than what we know, both their personality and outward appearance. Anyway, my advice would be, after you cut ties with her, is go to the gym, diet, work on getting better wardrobe, hygiene, and skin care, get involved with a good physical (sport like) hobby, improve your work habits, and spend more time with family and friends (the people that actually will spend time with you). Spend far less time finding a woman and instead invest it in you. Your time is valuable, and you need to spend it in a meaningful way if you want a good, happy life. And it's NOT going to be with women like that. So stop making excuses for and make a case for yourself by improving yourself. You'll feel a whole lot better. Take it from a former 330+ pound (now 200 pound) man that had to make sacrifices and take risks. It pays off.

[FMW]

It took me several months (4 or 5) to be sure what I was feeling for my guy was "romantic" and enduring.  I felt an immediate connection with him and wanted to keep spending time with him, but I wasn't sure the extent of my feelings for some time.  We've been together 5 years now and I can't imagine loving anyone more strongly, in definitely a romantic way,  than I do him.

Give her a little more time.

[BaileyB]

On 8/23/2024 at 5:09 AM, NP1993 said:

I had such a lovely evening with you last night but I came to the realisation today that we could be getting to a point where we need to kinda decide what this is and I still don't know what that is, or how I feel, which is completeky unfair to you. I've met a guy who has been nothing but amazing to me, I love hanging out with him, want to see him more and he makes me laugh and I'm still in a position where I can't  confidently say I'm developing romantic feelings?

This is all really encouraging. I would continue dating her but I would just manage my expectations… Something is holding her back - she is worried about committing to a relationship with you for some reason and that should give you a little pause… but I wouldn’t suggest that you change anything that you are doing. 

I dated my now husband for longer than this before we both said that we had romantic feelings for each other. Sometimes, it just takes a little bit longer for some women to be sure. 

Edited September 13 by BaileyB