Husband and his mom and his manhood pride, he sacrifice me.

[married11years]

I'm Chinese, my husband is not Chinese. We are married 12 years, together 14 years. (yes my profile username is married11years, at the time I joined the site it was 11 years, now it 12 years).

Me [40] Husband [M39] has a Master in Chemical Engineering, makes 185K a year take home after tax. He the type of man that take pride in be the provider, that just how he put his self-worth, on his career and be the provider. During his proposal to our marriage, he very clear said: "Why does he wants his wife to work when he makes enough for his wife to stay home."

Yes, I have to say this so you get the gist of how his mindset is and his manhood pride.

4 years ago his mom whom old (80 years old) had a hemorrhagic stroke that leave her quadriplegia paralyze. He is the only son (his father and his older sister both deceased),

Since his mom stroke happened for the past 4 years, he has been working 12 hours a day, 84 hours a week, just so he has enough money to pay for her PRIVATE Nursing Home where she can get one to one care with doctors and a team or nurses care for her full time around the clock, and pay for her medical care.

Private Nursing Home with a team or nurses care for an elderly whom quadriplegia paralyze all around the clock are not in any way cheap. Basically 85% of his working income go straight to his mom care.

He told me he loves me very much but he wants me to understand that he only has ONE mother, he cannot not care for her. I get it I do. BUT him working 84 hours a week since his mom stroke is him taking out quality time of us.

I have inheritance from my Shanghai businessman father, both my parents already deceased, they lave half the money to me and half to my older brother. I do have a decent inheritance. I want to use it to help my husband at least help pay for some of her Private Nursing home, so he can work less hours, and more time with me.

He get defensive that it is not my job to care for his mom, he not want to burden me, it is HIS job as he is her biological son. And he never want a penny help from a woman's money. But I am his wife though. Basically his manhood pride.

I love my husband, but this is hard, he gone12 hours a day, so 84 hours a week he gone. And he also take his quadriplegia paralyze mother to Dialysis too 4x times a week, and each time Dialysis is 4-5 hours process, so 20 more hours a week total. So total of him gone 100 hours a week from me.

I don't know how to get him to swallow his manhood pride, and accept my inheritance money to help his mom, so he can work less hours.

========

In all fairness to him, he still is a devoted husband like how he always been in the last 12 years as a husband, he still does laundry, he dotes me to the point he literally handwash my underwear.

He work in Petroleum-chemical process plant, his clothes smell like hazardous chemicals after, he shower after work, and he always want me to join him (it has nothing to do with sex as we never have shower sex).
In the shower he literally kneels down on his knee and cleans and rubs my feet and calves. And wash my hair, he even comb my hair after shower.
I guess because he 14 inches taller than me so he has to kneel down on his knee to rubs my feet and calves.

He did it again this morning, while he kneel on his knee rubs my calves he apologized to me that he has to take his mom to Dialysis later, and that he knows I want more time with him, but this is the remaining time has left with his mom in this world.
He work nights too so after he takes his mom to her 5 hours Dialysis, he only has few hours to breath before he has to go to work again. Rise repeat.

I hate it, how he sweet to me but then put his mom above me.

He still desire me to has sex with him, we still have sex regularly, right now it every other day, especially on the days he not take his mom to Dialysis, he can even go two rounds of sex with me.

I just hate it that he is an awesome husband, but because of his manhood pride, he not want my inheritance help and rather work 84 hours a week just so he can have enough money to pay for his mom Private Nursing Home.

I'm at my wits end, is there anything I can do about this? I have no ground to give him an ultimatum as he is a devoted husband to me, I just don't like it how he work 84 hours a week.

[married11years]

And my husband won't let me help with his mom, his manhood pride, he said he not want to burden me, and he said it his job as her biological son.

And Dialysis only let ONE person with the patient, it is not a visiting center, he gets to be with is mom because he her biological son, and she paralyze.

And I am 4'11" tall, his mom is 5'9" and quadriplegic paralyze and bedridden, the 4'11" me cannot get her out of the bed to her wheelchair, then get her in the wheelchair van drive her to Dialysis.

My husband does all that because he 6'2" and he can get quadriplegic mother to the wheelchair and wheelchair van, unless he want his mom to fall and get hurt then let the 4'11" me do it, he not even trust me with his mom because I don't do things up to his STANDARDS.

[Gebidozo]

Your husband sounds like a superhero. He’s working insanely hard, takes care of his mother, and still finds time and energy to be romantic and affectionate with you. I’ve never met such men in my life. Frankly, this sounds like a description of an ideal character from an old novel.

Yes, I agree that his “my wife should never pay for anything” attitude is silly. But you knew he was like this when you married him. He had told you that he wanted to be the sole provider so that you could stay at home.

Men who insist on such arrangements are, indeed, usually of the “proud manhood” type. You are very fortunate that he’s been so kind to you. A lot of men abuse power in such an unbalanced situation.

All you can do now is gently insist that he takes your money. Explain to him that you feel lonely and neglected. Maybe he’ll realize how pointless and harmful pride can be.

And please don’t think that he puts his mother above you. He loves his mother and he’s being a great son to her. Be happy that you’re married to a person with such integrity and strong moral code. He is still being very nice to you, just think how many men would have been driven crazy by that amount of work. 

Edited August 25 by Gebidozo

[married11years]

@Gebidozo

We have so much love in our marriage, but we have our problems too, give me your advice to this situation too, this is also another problem we have.

Brain disease run in my side of family, my father died of end stage progressive brain disease. My child got brain disease from me as I'm the baby's mother, inherit from me the maternal side, this has nothing to do with my husband.

We was told by the neurosurgeons that our child won't live pass 2 years old.

The surgeons in the hospital asked us (as parents) about our choice of Do Not Resuscitate (DNR) for our child.

You know CPR and Cardioversion, the heart stimulating electric shocks to the heart. Because CPR and Cardioversion can cause injuries when perform, like broken ribs and heart damage, causing even more pain for a child. Plus the surgeons told us our child will NOT pass 2 years old.

Me as a mother choose Do Not Resuscitate (DNR). My husband at the time also agreed to because he not want CPR and Cardioversion electric shocks to the heart which can cause broken ribs and intense pain for our child.

Our child did die and there was no attempt of resuscitate as we had the Do Not Resuscitate.

5 years later my husband still BLAME himself for the DNR order, he never blame me because he said I'm as a mother has every rights to choose DNR,
BUT he said he as a father has every rights not to agree to that, but he did back then, so now he has to live with this guilt for the rest of his life.

He said had he choose Resuscitate instead, our child probably still has a chance, but my husband not get it, the surgeons told us our child will NOT live pass 2 years old.

I know he still blame himself and his guilt for agreed to the DNR, perhaps I am a cold blood and put in DNR for my child.

I know this is his grief, he has to solve this on his own, I just don't know how to get him to stop blame himself for this, he lives in the guilt that our child died because of him agree to the Do Not Resuscitate (DNR) order.
BUT then brain disease our child inherited from me the mother side here. I don't know how to get my husband to understand that our child died is not because of he agreed to the DNR.

I don't know how to get through him. I know this guilt of his is eating him up everyday inside.

He just so fixed on his ways, and I just can't get through him. Same with the situation about his mom too. He will not take my inheritance, he rather sacrifice time with me so his manhood can be fulfill, I can't get through him, I been trying it just not work.

Edited August 25 by married11years

[Gebidozo]

2 minutes ago, married11years said:

I don't know how to get through him. I know this guilt of his is eating him up everyday inside.

I’m so sorry that you and your husband had to experience this tragedy. It is understandable that your husband feels guilt and remorse. It is one of those horrible “what if…” situations, when an incredibly difficult decision was made in the past and there is no way to check what would have happened if the decision were different. 

I really feel sorry for you and for him. But you have this precious love between yourselves, a rare gift. I understand that you don’t want him to feel guilty, but that’s how he is. You aren’t “cold”, you’re just different. Unfortunately there is nothing you can do except perhaps finding a good therapist for your husband to help him deal with his guilt feelings.

[Gebidozo]

9 minutes ago, married11years said:

He just so fixed on his ways, and I just can't get through him.

Yes, he is. But that’s a big part of what you love about him, right? His integrity. His strong sense of right and wrong. His firm adherence to his principles. That’s what makes him a great man. But there are no perfect people in this world. He is what he is. Try to be supportive and loving and understand that some things aren’t in your control.

[married11years]

@Gebidozo

Thank you Mrs. I have try get him to therapist, but he doesn't want to go. I'm at my wits end with him. I do love him, we will get through this. It just hard he so fixated. If you into astrology stuff, he has tons of planets in Scorpio on the day he born so there that, hella intense and so fixated.

Might  as well rambling this out too. He just intense that he not helping me with my anxiety (I have anxiety).

It been 5 years and it a constant disagreement between me and him about our child ashes. I want to put my child ashes in the Buddhist temple (I'm Chinese btw). Let our baby child go in peace please.
My husband is reliving the same pain everyday over and over again, as he will fight with me if I dare put our child ashes in Buddhist temple. He wants our child ashes remain in our home, our child ashes by his side till he die.

He get angry, his child ashes will not separate from him, he adamant keep our child ashes right in our home, in our child room just like when our child alive.
He also keep our child room the same and not change a thing. He dust the room, cry and talk to our child ashes, the room never change a single thing since the passing of our child that is 5 years ago.

Let me close this chapter, let me clean out our child room, put our child clothes and stuff in boxes. Let our child ashes go to Buddhist temple, we can visit our child ashes at Buddhist temple just like he visit his father grave, and his older sister grave.

But my husband said over his dead body before my ashes be apart from him. If I die before him, he will cremate me and keep my ashes with him till he die, just like he keeps our child ashes with him. When he clearly know I want my ashes to be in Buddhist temple.

Look, he is my husband, the child is of me and him, it the child of the man I love, I feel pain too when our child died. I just want our child to go in peace, let our child ashes go to Buddhist temple so everyday the baby can hear Buddhist monks chanting so he can reincarnate and have peaceful next life.

I want to close this chapter, it been 5 years, but he not allowing it, he reliving the pain of our child death everyday.

Sorry, I'm Chinese here, so cultural difference, I know this doesn't sound American, but we not American/Westerners.

 

[basil67]

This isn't about manhood pride, this is about him infantalising you.  I also suspect there is a bit of fetishisation happening with him washing you and cleaning your underwear like he's a child playing with a doll.  

Further, this extraordinarily expensive nursing home where his mother resides must have a hoist or sling to transfer her from her bed to a wheelchair - this is a basic occupational heath and safety rule.  The nurses who care for her would not be allowed to pick her up.  Your husband's brute strength is not needed to pick her up or move her - he's undoubtedly lying to you about this.  Truth is, this is just more of this infantalisation of you.  If he allows you to help, you will become competent but he wants you to stay in your role as a dependent childlike girl. 

Appropriate male pride should never include refusing to let his wife have a say in decisions and contribute in ways she can.  It should not involve lying about his mother's care requirements to keep you from growing and evolving.   

Are you allowed to tell him that you're unhappy....or would he be angry if you said something?

 

[married11years]

@basil67

I say my husband move my MIL from her bed to the wheelchair, I didn't say they didn't have a sling or whatever,  I say he move her, what does have or not have a sling has anything to do with this.

btw my MIL also in our home for 2 days a month where my husband can care for her 24/7 in that 2 days, he the one that paying the Private Nursing Home loads of money here. And it Private Nursing home, they go by their rules, it not funded by the government. As long as my husband pay them loads of money, they don't care if my MIL go home to us in that 2 days.

Sorry, I don't feel my husband has any fetish, and sorry I'm Chinese, maybe in my culture it different from you. Perhaps you should travel around the world more to countries like India, China, Vietnam, and you will see it very normal for husband to handwash their wife underwear.

Sorry, I can't discuss with is judgmental with a culture that not same as them.

 

 

 

 

[basil67]

7 minutes ago, married11years said:

@basil67

I say my husband move my MIL from her bed to the wheelchair, I didn't say they didn't have a sling or whatever,  I say he move her, what does have or not have a sling has anything to do with this.

btw my MIL also in our home for 2 days a month where my husband can care for her 24/7 in that 2 days, he the one that paying the Private Nursing Home loads of money here. And it Private Nursing home, they go by their rules, it not funded by the government. As long as my husband pay them loads of money, they don't care if my MIL go home to us in that 2 days.

Sorry, I don't feel my husband has any fetish, and sorry I'm Chinese, maybe in my culture it different from you. Perhaps you should travel around the world more to countries like India, China, Vietnam, and you will see it very normal for husband to handwash their wife underwear.

Sorry, I can't discuss with is judgmental with a culture that not same as them.

 

You said that your husband is not Chinese, so I was viewing his actions against  western men.  Is your husband a westerner?

The reason I mentioned a sling is because you said that you are too small to manage his mother’s physical needs.  If there is a sling or hoist, your size would not matter.   And OH&S rules are compulsory in private practice too.  If they are not in place and a staff member sustains a preventable injury due to lack of safe work practices, that person has strong grounds for litigation against the company. I maintain that your husband is lying to you about your small size being an issue.

Lastly, this is a global site. If you only want advice from those who share your culture, perhaps an Asian site would better suit your needs

[married11years]

My husband is not Chinese, but then where do I say my husband is White or Westerner? My husband is not a Westerner.

And sorry my husband has zero control over me, my Shanghai businessman father leave me a large inheritance. I also have my grandma house in China, with my inheritance I can leave any time I want, I not even need a penny of his money.

I said my husband move my MIL, I never say anything about a sling. And if you think someone childish like me of 4'11" tall can move a 5'9" woman even with a sling then good luck. Sorry, I don't want to drop my MIL.

And what, my husband never say anything about my small size, he said he NOT want to burden me. I am the one that say the 4'11" me can't move the 5'9" mother in-law of mine. Read that post #2 again.

Where the heck do I say my husband say anything about my short height? He said he not want to burden me, and it not my job to care for his mother.

And yah. I notice this is a global site, but don't assume everyone here is Westerners like you.

Sorry, I have nothing further to say to you. But thanks for your input.

Edited August 25 by married11years

[ExpatInItaly]

Guys, don't feed the troll. 

 

[IrinaM]

2 hours ago, married11years said:

Perhaps you should travel around the world more to countries like India, China, Vietnam, and you will see it very normal for husband to handwash their wife underwear.

Okay then.

[Gebidozo]

2 hours ago, married11years said:

Perhaps you should travel around the world more to countries like India, China, Vietnam, and you will see it very normal for husband to handwash their wife underwear.

I’ve been living in an Asian country for 20 years. I agree that these things can be different and seem weird to Westerners. So I don’t think that your husband necessarily has a fetish or that he is infantilizing you. But don’t be surprised if most Western people find it strange.

I understood from your description that he isn’t a Westerner. Modern Western men usually wouldn’t be as adamant about being the sole provider and having the wife stay at home. Where is he from? And what country do you live in? 

I admire your husband’s character, but personally I don’t agree with his ideas and I wouldn’t date a woman who wants that from a man. It doesn’t matter, if you’re happy with him then it’s all good. Just please understand that Western people (the majority of the forum’s residents) would find much of what you’re describing strange and even off-putting.