Need of finding direction with a woman recently divorced with two kids.

[lost4looking]

My punctuation is not going to be the greatest and this is going to be a little long-winded but needing some directional advice. I'm 40 years old and the woman I'm seeing or was in a sense seeing. Well for over a month we were conversating on a phone back and forth everything matched everything was great and we had so much in common. We had a weird I wouldn't say weird I'd say almost serendipitous meeting of each other and literally everything fit every single bit of us and I mean we both were falling on both sides for each other. I mean even sometimes like I or her would almost slip on the same word . By saying love you or calling the other person love or by those kind of names. Things that kind of only come with a relationship. 

She has two kids they're younger but you know the father was a very and is a very drugged out idiot that doesn't fulfill what he needs to more or less from what I've heard and what has been the consensus around them. 

Anyway I had a continued talking to her for a little over a month and we finally decided to meet up I live 4 hours away from her now we knew that this would be kind of an issue but I mean I couldn't see or want to be with anybody else and she was feeling the same way . And the way you were mad and how things were going we both had never had or experienced that feeling or how fast it happened. This for me was a huge eye-opener and a great feeling because we both were dealing with rough exteriors from bad relationships. So 

I had to go into a business meeting over in the area that she lived and we planned out the weekend together after I got done to for me to come over and you know hang out . Grab some dinner and enjoy the first time meeting. I drove over it's about 4 and 1/2 hours 4 hours to the location then when I got there because of the ex not showing up to pick up the kids because of her not wanting the kids to know me yet cuz we haven't really had any real face-to-face time other than on you know talking on our phones. Which is understandable no matter what,

so I'm going to put this out there as a note.. I knew that she was dedicated to her kids which is understandable for a woman that's single and a single mom doing everything she can to provide her two kids especially going in their teenage years younger teenagers I knew this I was very adamant about being supportive of that and she knew that. 

However back to the story she had gone out of her way to have the kids go with their father because he asked them to go with them to go and meet the grandmother and Grandpa before the grandpa passes it over the dementia. They would be gone for 4  days, which was huge for her because they never left after the force they always stuck by Mom and they go do stuff on here and there but it was always too small and her kids. 

I knew hold up what was going on I mean there's some discrepancies of this and that but it was mainly because I didn't want to ask certain questions to find out certain answers until I was face to face with her. Anyway, she never showed up until 4 and 1/2 hours after I showed up in town and I waited patiently for the most patient to be over the situation because I was pretty antsy about want to see her and wanted to put a feeling to a person if that makes any sense. 

As soon as she goes and makes it where we have time to meet up finally it's almost 2 hours later the kids start blasting your phone up and saying he almost wears off the road and that they don't feel safe with them and yada yada.. now the same story that these kids said was exactly word for word the same story that she told me on the phone previously about a couple days before and it being her reason of why she was weary about them going with the dad because of a past experience of of his own by himself doing drugs and falling asleep but the wheel but she said that he was cooking and it wasn't high or anything like that so she let him go and thinking that you know he's trying to turn a new leaf because of his kids.

Now me and my past relationship my ex's kids not mine would make stories or even hear stories from her their mom and use that as a PowerPoint to get what they want and make scenes or make the ample point of that they're in danger or that there's some issue so that they can get picked up or so that they can get over on their mom which happened quite often with the way that they treated her mom which was pretty messed up.

Which this is exactly what I told the girl I was now seeing ... that this may be a complete  live from them because they now didn't want to go they wanted her to jump and pick her them up because they knew that this would make her feel uneasy and they would give what they wanted... And I was trying to do this as nice as possible so that it didn't seem like I was trying to tell her how it would be your mother or anything cuz it wasn't my place to do so but it was also my place because I wanted to let her know that you know I mean it could be the situation and like you know we're older we should be able to have that kind of conversation with that having it to be a judgmental feeling which I try to make her understand it which I thought she did..

It wasn't to be over opinionated anyway but it was also that I need to understand that kids do that kind of stuff knowing that the vulnerabilities out their own parent is an easy thing to get over on especially when they want what they want and could be a toy or anything else but it's true they use the certain things against parents heartstrings and they pull them. 

Now this goes on the whole time to meet her together during the time we're visiting and everything and she keeps telling me oh well I'm going to go have to go pick up the kids because they're scared and all this other stuff which it was like not even 2 hours after they left this has happened and I was like you know just give it a minute let it breathe you know that they just left you know it if it's more likely this kind of a situation because they didn't want to go after you told him you weren't going to go with him too, obliged and the kids kept sending the same messages over and over making it where she was unease which I was like this is kind of messed up for you you know I was like trying to make her understand that I understood what she was going through because I didn't want to make her feel isolated or deterred with but we were to actually doing which was you know it's putting the first time together together. 

But every time I turned around it was about her ex being a POS that he did this he did that exactly what the kids are saying and then the kids are sitting there making it worth even harder for her to like relax and I was trying to make her understand that you know like give it a little bit let them get down the road I was fails you know then and then she tells me well I might have to go and if I do will you go with me and I tell her yes gladly as I could become nice to actually you know introduce myself to the kids properly . And possibly make a better foot forward for myself in the position I would be in later on in life possibly if everything worked out the way we were hoping . 

That's correct continued except it kept changing to her and wanting to do something with me then it becoming oh I got to leave I'm going to have to leave and then it basically feeling like a threat like as if oh you're going to have to hurry up and leave especially after I spent all that time and driving in gas and everything else to come up there so I kept trying to play this situation cooler and I was like trying to get a little bit more calmness from her.. I wish you would actually get calm the magic was there I mean it was there in her eyes and then her actions and so I kept trying to make it where she felt a little more comfortable in those she knew the town that we were in a lot better than I did so I figured we go out and have a drink enjoy a little time together and get her mind off it a little bit and she spent more time wondering if the kids are all right than anything and I was like you know just give it 5 minutes late let's just have our time you know and they're completely fine they're safe right... And then get a call again about how scared they are and I was like well do we need to go get thim

"well I'm going to have to go by myself that's what she says" and I was a little bit taken back I was like well this shouldn't be the opposite of what you said right I mean you said I could go with you you invited me to go with you. Then it was as if I was invisible and she persisted to call her ex and the kids and act like as if they were a million miles away which they only were gone for 4 hours at that period of time which I could understand in some cases about you know the first time then being away from her side. 

But to make it seem like that when she literally knew what was going on less than a couple hours ago and you know had the conversation with the ex already before we went to dinner it was kind of a disheartening and put a big damper on it us getting to have a more intimate conversation or anything that kind of based itself to that. I still didn't make an issue of it I just wanted to have her where she would calm down because it was still talking about her ex being a piece of .... How her kids don't do this usually and I was like this would be the first time they live so how would you know that they don't do this usually safe to have been with him and she's like" that's true" . She then calm down again and then we were able to finish out her drinks and then I was telling her why don't I just take you to your house and I make you dinner... That way she didn't feel obligated to have to put herself into a position of feeling extroverted.

 

She obliged we went back to the house, but literally I heard from the very first bit when the kids left clear to the end how many times she might have to leave she might have to leave she might have to leave and how much of a piece of crap that guy is. And I just kept trying to reinsure till it's like I'll ride with you whenever but it kept changing from being invited to being uninvited and being told to leave basically by her actions and saying that she's going to have to go and pick the kids up after she invited me and then it becoming like as if I was an intruder even though we spoke for almost a month and a half on the phone the kids knew my voice and just never got to put on face to the to the voice. This was starting to get very disheartening especially when I grow over 200 mi and spent you know the time to wait for in the first place over this and on top of it waiting for her to get off the phone all the time with the with the kids with the eggs and everything else to make sure everything's fine which I was trying to make sure that she understood that I understood that there are priority but you kept making it very hard to be a priority to be seen as something important. Other than a few seconds here and there when it was finally calmed from the situation that was happening with the ex and the kids. 

I kept trying to reassure that you know this could be just they're making it up so that you can jump but you haven't even let them be leave fully and you have yet to let just a little bit go just so that you can breathe. I felt in my heart that this was pretty true and and I didn't fully take in the comprehension that you know maybe it was an overstepping of balance but I felt that my time and my effort was there and a little bit of you know acknowledgment of that cuz I mean we talked to everyday on the phone and we both had opinions about my life from her and her life from me so it wasn't like it was something that was unheard of first due towards each other . But she was not the same person she was on the phone when she did talk to me nor did I get treated like as if I was someone as important as I was when I was on the phone which I took in some of the feeling that it was mainly because the ex was being an idiot but I thought everything was copacetic on a lot of it but she kept making if you were a point to tell me she might have to go and every time I turn around how to get comfortable and that's what I'd hear. 

This went on on and on and I was trying to make her understand that "you know we only got so much time together in the first place and we only have gotten so much time in the first place"..   but it made no difference and so I asked her..   well do I need to leave.? Since the idea of me going with her changed again and the way that you treated me before change to Canon again and then back to where it was five minutes later and then we had magic again and then poof it was gone again..

And the strangest part was that she was. Very opening feeling loving and sweet and aware when we're on the phone and then it was a completely different beast a burden on her when I got there which I was trying to make it where it wasn't by doing you know take care of dinner talk to her about this and that but it went from being very adamant about making a relationship work on the phone and everything else to being very questionable once I got there..  and then 5 minutes later being I can't wait for this to work . Then back to the same wishy-washy moment nothing like our conversations on the phone. 

Finally the next following day cuz we did stay together and it was amazing when she finally was able to relax and the kids were fine with being with the father in the story changed... He was able to actually like wholeheartedly be there which I was completely just soaked up but then after the intimate point of it I need to call I need to make sure that I didn't like so she started talking about the ex again and was like what the hell. Didn't say that loud but definitely did feel it. 

So from the time in the morning after that though I made breakfast and coffee was made by her but instead of spending time while I made breakfast together she spent her time on the phone but you know about her ex to her man hating cousins and I'm not just saying this because they do literally hate men. Not giving me a very good option there.. and hurricane getting a message to the kids and to the ex and, story changes again and I keep trying to reassure early well I'll go with you and I can help you drive I know the place down there and everything she was very open to that idea and so then.

We ate breakfast we hung out some more, but then again once the kids called because they didn't get their way on the road from their dad they started saying they were scared again they started lying during about this and that telling her. that they can't deal with that and they want to get picked up and they were literally not even 5 hours down the road I made 4 hours in a day and was waiting for dinner with her and I was trying to make her understandably do you see what I mean it's seems a little bit weird that they're bringing this stuff up to you they just know it's getting underneath your skin I see it too. Once again she calms down and then there it is again every few minutes I'm so mad at my ex and I'm going to go pick up my kids and basically everything that we talked about and me joining her and everything else like right out the window again.... This is very very annoying so I brought up to her final time and I was I got a little irritated about to put over the loud about it or anything but I was pretty adamant about like you haven't given them enough time to even breathe down the road they literally just hit you upset everything was fine ate breakfast and when they didn't get what they want everything's back on the same table and the people you keep talking to are just as negative pointing out all these flaws against the ex but you haven't even let them even drive down the road they just literally got up out of the hotel and we're leaving and you're already telling me that you need to leave and everything that I plan and we planned is going right out the window. Then she threw it in my face like as if I was trying to prevent her from being a mom which was nowhere near the case and I even try to keep telling her and that's not it it's the fact that you haven't given to yourself any leeway to allow this to happen and now you're going to drive 8 hours and let them drive an extra three just to go pick him up so basically you're just allowing to drive down there when you could just say stop and then we can go pick him up and be right back up here so I'm not understanding why it's such a issue like this and it keeps going on me and and our time together especially when this is our first time together. And you keep dangling being with me or want me to go with you and then taking it away and then telling me I need to leave after I spent all the time to come up here and see you that's not very copious.. overall point is then after I say this to her I apologize to save me now maybe this is not my place you know I'll get out of here so that you're not stressed out and so you can get going cuz she didn't want me to go with her cuz she felt that it would have been too much burden on the kids with dealing with the stress with their dad and all that which I said I don't think it is that way but okay and I obliged so I kissed her and it was a very heartfelt kiss from her and so I just shut my mouth and I said I will talk to you later and I took off to go back home after only the short time didn't even get to have two days with her like we had planned for three. 

I hit her up and telling her where I was at and everything and we're talking for a short period of time but then she goes over to her cousin's house the guy hating cousin and then all the sudden silent treatment.... Then after that ignored.... Then after that I get hit up till telling me that I don't have enough time to or energy to put in for a relationship I don't care how you feel about it that's the way it is.... done.... Me completely baffled by this uprise of crazy s***... Go and try and find out what's going on by trying to contact her by calling her and at least getting some acknowledgment what the hell is the deal especially when you know it wasn't to be taking it anyway other than you know I felt pretty hurt that I wasn't given even the slightest little bit of leeway without having the threat of being told I'm going to have to leave or this and that and instead of you know being the way she was on the phone to me now she's acting like I make it please stranger and nobody to her and doesn't even give a s*** that she just dropped me on my face and then keeps acting like as if what I'm saying to her is a burden to hear... She has the audacity then to say it's really unattractive that you're doing this even though she's not answering the phone that you can tell me why the f***** she decided this after she went to her cousin's house and listen to her and this is nothing the way that she's ever been on the phones when we talked about anything or anything like that and I was in the same town that I was any other time even on the phone so then I got trampled for that too.. instead of giving any type of closure or any type of this or that..,

I get ignored and I mean I got my heart in this situation and I thought she did too and within less than 10 seconds she completely just acknowledged how she said she would treat me how she would never do this kind of stuff towards me and how that I was important and what I had to say was important acted like I was a nobody.... Then tells me she'll call me tomorrow but treats me like crap and ignores me and says that I'm around family and right now when she would talk to me at any point in time all the time every day for over a month and a half..... What did I do wrong where did I go wrong and how come I don't even get the benefit of any of it other than kicked in the teeth and my heart ripped out for something that was there for her supposedly just 20 minutes to a couple hours earlier....

 

So my question to everybody here is what do I do now because I care about her a lot and the times that we were not dealing with all the stresses she was the most amazing woman that I could ever imagine to be with and it was reciprocated in the same mannerisms from her just very few and far between as it went along but your girl would take my breath away and then take my heart away so I'm trying to figure out what I did and what I need to do and what's to be expected now... Because I would never get between her and her kids but why the hell after all this time of us talking am I not worth anything but I didn't do anything vulgar mean or like disrespectful other than point out that she could be getting played by her kids she could also be just over stressing about it and maybe just needed to calm down a little bit so that she can enjoy being with me for a little bit because of how fragile the time was between us and how long we waited to actually see each other..

 

[semble]

My advice is in regard to the content of your post, not an actual solution.

You've got a ton of irrelevant stuff in there, that the volunteers who have other things to do with their valuable time, will be reluctant to read.

You may get some responses, but much less than you would if you cut out all the extraneous information.

Such as "maybe she just needed to calm down a little bit so she can enjoy being with me for a little bit".

[basil67]

Yes...an abbreviated version would be very helpful

[lost4looking]

Okay well I'll just take down the post and screw this place thanks for no help 

 

[semble]

16 minutes ago, lost4looking said:

Okay well I'll just take down the post and screw this place thanks for no help 

 

See now that was brief and to the point!

[ExpatInItaly]

I read it. This relationship isn't going to work, OP. 
Both of you made mistakes: 

1) Big mistake planning an entire weekend together for the first meet. That's way too much. Talking on the phone for a month first isn't particularly relevant when it comes to how well you will gel in real life. 3 whole days together puts too much pressure on the situation if things don't go well. A first meet should be a few hours, max. 

2) You assumed you were much more important to her than you are. She was fond of you to some extent, yes, but you are not the priority over her kids. She doesn't know you, and didn't owe it to you to have you accompany her to pick up her kids, or even have you in her house all weekend. If she wanted to be with her kids, that was her right. It was wrong of you to keep insisting she leave them with their dad - that was absolutely not your call to make. 

3) You missed (or didn't want to see) big hints that she didn't really want to proceed with this after you two had actually met. Her repeated wish to go and get her kids was your clue that she wasn't feeling it and she was looking for an exit. You shouldn't have kept insistting, ,and you certainly should not have stayed the night. She didn't want you there and didn't have the courage to come right out and say so. She should have been clearer on that rather than give in to pressure from you.

4) Your biggest mistake? You got way overly-invested in a woman you had never met. This is why it's crucial to keep both feet on the ground and remember that talking on the phone is not the same as spending time together and really getting to know someone. You say you got treated like crap and trampled on and that you need closure - but dude, ,you met this woman once. You put the cart before the horse and treated this like a relationship when you are virtually strangers. She shouldn't have the power to rip your heart out. That is your sign that you expected way too much from a first meet. 

4 hours ago, lost4looking said:

Because I would never get between her and her kids but why the hell after all this time of us talking am I not worth anything

That's not it. It seems she realized when you met in person that it wasn't a match for her. 

4 hours ago, lost4looking said:

I'm trying to figure out what I did and what I need to do and what's to be expected now...

I don't think anything is expected now, to be honest. She doesn't seem interested in continuing this. But in the future, slow way down and get to know someone in person before getting all your hopes up and deciding she is the one for you. 

 

[semble]

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Big mistake planning an entire weekend together for the first meet. That's way too much. Talking on the phone for a month first isn't particularly relevant when it comes to how well you will gel in real life. 3 whole days together puts too much pressure on the situation if things don't go well. A first meet should be a few hours, max.

My own experience differs. Agree that the first meetup should never be planned for more than a few hours, max. Actually once I got smart about online dating I never planned for a first meetup that would be more than a half hour. That much being said you can always extend if things click. I met a woman 2 years ago, we ended up spending the weekend together even though we didn't start out that way. 2 years later, here we are, Expats like you, married and living in a home we jointly purchased on the other side of the globe.

 

Edited August 25 by semble

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, semble said:

That much being said you can always extend if things click.

Well, yes,

I meant that he should not have planned an entire weekend ahead of time, before even knowing if they would get along after first meeting. 

[Lotsgoingon]

Hold on, you don't know this woman well enough for her to merit your attention to her drama.

In other words, skip the drama. Yes/no--is she able to be a partner you want her to be? Is she honest, clear, reliable, trustworthy strong. If she's a parent, is she organized and strong enough to create time for herself? These are the kinds of questions you ask-no excuses, no "reasons."

The answer here seems a plain "no" starting with a drugged out ex who is in her life. 

 

Edited August 25 by Lotsgoingon