Is it time to break up?

[Jeff13]

I am really in love with my girlfriend but I am worried it might be time to break up. I have been in a situation like this before which I think is because I have very low self esteem. I worry I might make a horrible mistake by breaking up with her and regret it. My heart wants to make it work but my head feels it is better to get out. My family all think I need to break up with her. Hers some of the things that worry me that I have tried to honestly reflect on.

* She lives with her ex-husband and has done for over a year
* Wants her ex-husband to come to family events with us like Christmas and so on
* Falls out with just about all of her friends and family
* Volatile temper triggered easily
* Throws things around the room, once almost hit me with something
* On trips away with me and her son she is always texting her ex-husband photos of her son and her and sending him constant updates
* Talked me into breaking off contact with a close friend she didn’t like
* Very jealous of other women and said I’m not allowed female friends, sometimes she gets very upset if I mention a woman colleague at work in passing or something
* Made “jokes” that e.g. I can’t go on a business trip without her
* Says she likes to make me jealous because it makes her feel wanted, so will compliment other men to make me feel insecure and small
* Spends money, both mine and hers, like water - I had to borrow money from my parents to keep up with spending on dates and gifts, I was even tempted to use my savings to pay for a trip abroad
* Expects weekly flowers and gifts, buys them for me which makes me feel pressure to always be spending
* Unresolved childhood trauma that often flares up into temper bouts
* I feel unsafe around her sometimes
* Has made “jokes” about hitting me, cutting off my penis and so on
* I feel like I am treading on eggshells because she is very sensitive and jealous
* Very intense and full on then acts like we’re about to break up
* Her son who is very badly behaved and she is very reluctant sometimes to correct him, I feel it isn’t my place to do this
* Overly concerned with the opinions of others to the point that she spends hours sometimes talking about the impression we need to give to certain people
* Told me she has considered dumping me for being too kind/nice
* When I cry during a bad argument she starts shouting at me and accuses me of playing the victim
* She seems very reluctant to apologise for things even though I feel as though I am always saying sorry
* Often says things like I am so lucky and I couldn’t do better than her
* Has often threatened to dump me or said she is unsure if it’s the right time when we argue or when I do something nice she considers too much like taking her out for a spa day
* Plays mind games like leaving out tickets on my bed to an event I couldn’t go to, giving me the silent treatment, gaslighting etc.
* Wants to be protected and provided for, very old-fashioned and expects to be taken care of with all needs
* Uses the allure sex to bribe me to do things I don’t want to do
* Makes me feel like her love is conditional on providing for her and her son
* Convinced me to change my social media profile etc with a picture she chose
* Freaks out when we move the relationship forward even when we have discussed and agreed to move forward
* When angry she insults me with words like stupid, irresponsible, not an adult etc. to make me feel emasculated
* Hints that she has no money for rent, trips etc and expects me to pay for everything but then is always buying new things

Should I listen to my heart and keep trying, or listen to my head and leave her?
 

[Gebidozo]

Is this some kind of a joke?

You’re in an abusive relationship with a batshit crazy person who lives together with another man. What “heart” are you talking about, exactly? Your heart should be telling you to run far, far away and to remove that person from your life for good.

Have you been abused before?

I highly recommend you to get therapy.

[Gaeta]

What exactly are you going to regret?

Leave.

[ShyViolet]

This has got to be fake.  If it's real it's the most crazy and toxic relationship situation I've ever heard.  No one with any common sense would stay with someone like this.

[flitzanu]

4 hours ago, Jeff13 said:

I am really in love with my girlfriend but I am worried it might be time to break up. I have been in a situation like this before which I think is because I have very low self esteem. I worry I might make a horrible mistake by breaking up with her and regret it. My heart wants to make it work but my head feels it is better to get out. My family all think I need to break up with her. Hers some of the things that worry me that I have tried to honestly reflect on.

* She lives with her ex-husband and has done for over a year
 

Should I listen to my heart and keep trying, or listen to my head and leave her?
 

this is all the info you needed.

you should not stay in this relationship.

[MsJayne]

Have you read your own list? She's probably living with her ex because he's afraid for his son's welfare.  It's not your problem, cut your losses and run for your life. 

9 hours ago, Jeff13 said:

* I feel unsafe around her sometimes
* Has made “jokes” about hitting me, cutting off my penis and so on

Run Forest, run! 

[Jeff13]

Thank you all for the replies. No not a joke for those who asked and I’m sure I’m not perfect either. I didn’t actually see things clearly until I started to write that list.

For those who asked yes I have been abused before, as a child. So that might be why I accepted it for so long. 

I think it’s time to get out of it. Will send an update once it’s done. Wish me luck and thank you all again 

Edited August 27 by Jeff13

[Acacia98]

43 minutes ago, Jeff13 said:

Thank you all for the replies. No not a joke for those who asked and I’m sure I’m not perfect either. I didn’t actually see things clearly until I started to write that list.

For those who asked yes I have been abused before, as a child. So that might be why I accepted it for so long. 

I think it’s time to get out of it. Will send an update once it’s done. Wish me luck and thank you all again 

Good luck, OP.

I'm rooting for you.

[Els]

On 8/27/2024 at 12:06 AM, Jeff13 said:

* She lives with her ex-husband and has done for over a year

I didn't even need to read the rest of your list. It's well beyond time you left.

[semble]

On 8/26/2024 at 5:06 PM, Jeff13 said:

* Has made “jokes” about hitting me, cutting off my penis and so on

While the threats of physical abuse are of concern, don't put too much weight into the whole "cutting off the penis" thing. They're doing amazing work nowadays with stem cell research.

[Jeff13]

Hi all

Just updating because I said I would. We broke up not long after I last posted and I have felt way better since I broke things off. I’ve reconnected with my loved ones, paid back the money I borrowed, got back into my hobbies and got my life and finances back under control. There have been some hard/sad moments of course but now it’s over I realise how crazy I was to even have doubted whether getting out of such an unhealthy situation was the right decision. Sometimes you’re just too close to a problem to see it clearly.

Thank you all for your advice, it really helped me get out of a very bad situation and I am truly grateful. Thank you for taking the time to give some advice to a stranger. I feel like I have my life back and I’m so excited for the future.

All the best!

Edited September 14 by Jeff13
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