Please-Advice on how to tell a friend something

[Susan]

Hi, everyone.I'm sure many of you have been in a similar situation. I have a friendship that seems to be becoming increasingly one-sided. I met this girl at work and we talked casually whenever we met in the halls or something (she worked in a different area normally). I thought she was nice. When she found out she was pregnant, I was happy for her and gave her a bunch of baby gifts for her new little girl. She wrote me a letter thanking me for my kindess. She ended it w/ "thanks for being a great friend." Then,she got a new job and left our company. So, I hardly ever see her now (haven't seen her since May!). Before she left, I gave her a little going away present and she gave me a thank-you card. In it, she said she wanted to thank me for all the support I had given her while she was at the company. She then said that our friendship means a lot to her, so she hopes we could stay in touch. Now, however, we seem to be losing touch. I'll email her and I won't hear from her for weeks at a time. One time, she emailed me and apologized for not keeping in touch and she told me that she would be sure it didn't happen again. But, it is happening again. So, I emailed her and asked how she was doing. I told her that she had promised that it wouldn't happen again-but that it is happening again. All she did was respond with an email that said "hey, Susan. i've been really busy. we'll talk later." Well, that was a month ago! But the thing that upsets me is that I know she talks to one of her other friends on a very regular basis. Anyway, I want to communicate to her that I'm upset and that I value our friendship and don't want it to fall apart. But here's the problem, I've never been good at expressing my feelings. I always go to one extreme or the other. I guess what I'm saying is that I don't know how to tell her how I feel without either 1)sounding whiney or needy or 2)sounding like a bitch by saying things like "i thought we were friends but apparently not." Does this make sense to anyone else? I mean, this girl has told me numerous times that she is my friend, and I'm pretty sure she was being sincere and honest when she said those things. So, I'm confused. Now, I know everyone would tell me that I need to talk to her about it and tell her how I feel (since she may not know) so we can patch things up. However, I'm just not a good communicator. I don't want you to put the words in my mouth, but could someone maybe tell me how to start off the conversation without sounding needy and whiney or bitchy and cranky? By the way, I hope you don't mind me posting a friendship/communication question on a love-advice forum. Thanks for reading and for your advice. It means a lot to me. =) Susan

[Tony T]

I know how you feel, it happens all the time.

 

Different people view the same friendship from different vantage points. You seem to be very sensitive here and you saw your friendship with this lady as a close one and one that you valued.

 

There are many kinds of friendships but those with whom we work, attend school, or are otherwise thrown together for some common purpose are usually characterized as situational friendships. They are based on one common bond, in your case working at the same place.

 

These friendships are often very satisfying and involve a lot more than work. You may see each other evenings, weekends and do lots together. But when the common situation (in this case working together) is over, very often these friendships fizzle.

 

The fact that your friend has a new baby doesn't help much. Babies are extremely time consuming, especially in the first year or two. During this time, most new mothers have little time to nurture even their best friendships. New babies demand a mom's attention every second of the day.

 

You say she is closer to someone else with whom she worked at the same place. This could be because this other person has something emotionally or otherwise that your old friend may want or need. It's likely to fizzle eventually as well. Maybe this other person has had children or knows a lot about babies...or even helps babysit.

 

As we go through life, many friends fade away and new ones appear. Being sensitive about this will not serve you well in getting used to this reality, however harsh you may consider it.

 

Be happy for the times you enjoyed the company of your friend. Maybe the relationship will go into hibernation for a while and resurrect itself sometime in the future...maybe when the baby is older. Who knows? But right now, don't force it. The best friend you can be to her is to back off, let her know you're there for her, and let her call the shots.

 

Learn now or be hurt again, some friends are forever, some are just there for the time there is a common element binding you. This lady is NOT the last who will be this way. It's just a fact of life.

[Ed]

I understand your frustration. There is no doubt that you are feeling a bit rejected and jealous because this friend has time for others but not for you. That is a perfectly normal feeling when something like this happens. You have done your part to show kindness and offer support. That is all you can do. If you don't get the response you desire, it is a sure sign that you need to refocus the majority of your attention on other, more gratifying, friendships. Just be happy that you did some nice things for someone.

 

I would not air out my feelings to her right now. Just let the friendship run it's own course. You may feel rejected now, but things could change in time. Let her make the effort to contact you, if she is so inclined. In the mean time, do what you can to foster other friendships. Some work out and some don't. You can't make a friendship happen.

[Susan]

Hi, guys. Trust me, I know all about situational friendships. It was a hard lesson for me to learn, though. But, I don't think this is one of those-situational, I mean. What one of you said-I think it was you, Tony-about having a baby makes sense. I'm single w/ no children while she is married with a new baby. So, maybe she is just really busy. I say this because we have communicated since she left our company and we have both told each other that we don't want our friendship to have just been a situational one. In fact, she told me before she left that I had better come to visit her and keep in touch. Then, she emailed me not too long ago and said she wants us to go out to lunch sometime soon. So, maybe I am being too sensitive. I guess it's because I have had so many situational friendships in the past that I'm always afraid of losing my real friends. But then again, if they are real friends,then they'll stick around, huh? So many people have deserted me in the past that I always get kind of get nervous when I don't hear from one of my friends for a while 'cause I worry that they will do the same thing as the others. In short, I don't think this friendship is a situational one. I think I'm just over-reacting. It helps to write about it, though. Thanks for listening to me ramble.

 

Susan

[Tony T]

It sounds like you have the idea. I would definitely agree you are being too sensitive here. This may just be one you'll have to wait out. And you do a great job of answering your own posts.

 

Sometimes it just does a lot of good to write things out. That's why I write that I have won the lottery every week...that, however, has not done much good...so far!!!