Deveryn Posted January 3, 2006 Share Posted January 3, 2006 Hello, my name is Michael and I am in need of help. I am currently in a long-distance relationship, and I'm finding it hard to deal with some of the problems that are coming up based on the people (men) that she hangs out with. My girlfriend is the most amazing woman I have ever known, and she is my angel in every way. I love her, with all my heart. I find myself getting jealous at times because the only people she hangs out with is guys, and she hangs around them a lot., almost every other day and for many hours at a time. This normally wouldn't bother me, but they sometimes make comments about her body, or treat her with disrespect (which doesn't seem to bother her, but it sure bugs the hell out of me). For example, one time she was in the car with them and they were talking about chicken breasts (for cooking of some sort, I was on the phone at the time because we have cell phones that have unlimited minutes to eachother, so she just keeps me in her ear with a headpiece just so I can "be along" with the ride when she's out with them sometimes) she commented on having to buy some, but that she had two already (meaning her breasts) and one of the guys actually said "I wonder what those taste like" when I was right there on the phone. This bothered me for obvious reasons.. but she just kept saying it was a joke and defended him to no end. They (her guy friends) have also called her "their dishwasher" and said she needs to "get her lazy *** off the couch" to do their dishes when she's over their house making them food. I found this incredibly disrespectful but she laughed and went on with hanging out with them that day. She's frequently gone over to this guys house and made him and his friend food, or went out to lunch with them and spent most of the day (she gets home from work at 6, then goes out and hangs out with them until 9 or so, then when it's just us on the phone she wants to go to bed almost instantly, claiming theres nothing we can do). I don't know if they're looking at her in a sexual way, but a lot of the time I hear "What? Why are you looking at me like that?" They swear, and use a lot of racist terms, which she disagrees with and dislikes but still hangs around with them. When she's in the kitchen cooking for them I sometimes hear that they're getting playful with her and get food on her nose or face.. I am lost at what to think about this. Please don't take this as a black-and-white thread asking whether or not I should leave her, but I'm lost when it comes to knowing what to do, or what to think for that matter, about this situation. I doubt she will ever cheat on me, but why do I keep getting those thoughts that she might be in my head? What should I think, what should I do? Edit: While typing this thread I got a call from her, and instead of just going over to deliver something it turned into watching a movie, which turned into pizza, which turned into another movie, which turned into a total of 7-8 hours of being with them, even though it was supposed to just be a quick stop by. I am so incredibly lost. Link to post Share on other sites
Bryanp Posted January 3, 2006 Share Posted January 3, 2006 Hello, Let me get this straight. You have a girlfriend who apparently has no girlfriends and would rather spend all of her free time with racist and sexist male friends and acts like a surrogate girlfriend making them dinner and spending her evenings watching movies with them. What do you think her attitude would be if the roles were reversed and you were hanging out with a couple of hot girls spending all of your free time hanging out in their apartment watching movies with them and having dinner all the time? I am sorry but your so-called girlfriend is acting more single than involved with you. You say she does not have time even talking to you because she is so tired working and spending her evening with these guys. What is wrong with this picture? You judge a person by their actions and not by their words and her actions speak volumes. You are not as high a priority to her as these males friends. Why would you accept this? Do you really need to have a piano fall on your head? I wish you luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Deveryn Posted January 3, 2006 Author Share Posted January 3, 2006 Thank you for your reply. It's hard to believe that someone else is higher priority when she tells me every day that I'm the highest, but all the signs in her actions are there and I believe I've been blind to it for quite some time. Again, thank you. Link to post Share on other sites
clandestinidad Posted January 3, 2006 Share Posted January 3, 2006 I think she really likes the attention she's getting...even if its disrespectful/demeaning. She's completely blind....cooking and washing their dishes!?! And being 'told' to???? come on! I think shes oblivious that theyre not really friends, but are using her. Dont worry about anything 'happening' with them......I dont think its that type of situation. I think she's just desperate for friends and attention, and likes it from guys. If these were 'good' male friends then they wouldnt treat her so badly. Maybe you can open her eyes to the fact that they dont really like her as much as she thinks Link to post Share on other sites
Author Deveryn Posted January 4, 2006 Author Share Posted January 4, 2006 Thank you for your replies, it's hard to tell what exactly to do =( I can try my absolute best to open her eyes, but the last time I commented on them she used things like "Would you rather I spend 100% of my time on you?" and "Would you rather I just didn't have friends" which puts a rip into my heart because I want the best for her. She's truly an amazing woman, perfect in every area that counts, but when it comes to who she chooses to hang out with, and seemingly how she sets her priorities...it's just extremely hard to deal with =( Thanks again for insight you guys, it's really helped. Link to post Share on other sites
dnm1010 Posted January 4, 2006 Share Posted January 4, 2006 well i am a girl who doesnt really like to hang out with girls.. i am in a relationship and i dont really hang out with guys without my fiance but he doesnt mind if i do.. and my guy friends might sound racist or whatever but they just joke and dont mean any disrespect. i realized something over the yrs... hanging out with guys is much safer than with girls.. especially single girls... my friend's girlfriend broke up wiht him after 4 yrs when he was about to propose because her single frineds poisoned her mind.. and i have met girls when my fiance and i were havin a long distnace rship and these girls wanted to go on cruises and go party and get drunk and i knew they would pick up guys and i would be in bad situations.. both sides can be equally bad. talk to her about how you feel. have u met her guy friends? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Deveryn Posted January 4, 2006 Author Share Posted January 4, 2006 I've never had a problem with my girlfriend hanging out solely with guys, she has something against having girlfriends because she's been backstabbed by them a lot in her past, which I understand. It's hard for me to accept this situation because not only are the guys racist and sometimes just plain mean, they're disrespectful to her! =( I've never met her guy friends, only talked with one once on the phone, but when I hear them through the phone they make so many remarks that bug me to no end, such as commenting about her body in a sexual/playful way. Based on the advice all of you have given, I've decided to just sit her down and talk to her and try to show her my point of view, and most definitely ask her what it would be like if the situation was reversed (me hanging out with girls that made sexual comments about me, and treated me like their pet or something). Link to post Share on other sites
Author Deveryn Posted January 5, 2006 Author Share Posted January 5, 2006 Today I was on the phone with her while she was with her friends and I heard them make a comment that had my name in it then laugh. She said after a while "That's not funny, he is not." I asked what was happening and she said nothing. I asked again, saying I heard my name, and she said it was "diffused" and I didn't need to know. She later told me they had insulted me, making a comment about how much of a man I was. This is my last straw. Thank you all for all the help you've given me, if any of you have any comments on how to confront her or how to settle this, please let me know. I've gone to my limit, and I need to sit her down and talk and if this continues I think I need to just leave. Link to post Share on other sites
Alteezza Posted January 5, 2006 Share Posted January 5, 2006 If that is all to your story than you should be honored that she somewhat defended you. She might have told you nothing was said because it would have evolved into a conflict that involved you on the phone( many miles away) her and some pigs next to her. If you truly love her then you should not need advice as of what to say to her. Explain your feelings from your heart....from you...... and if that isn't enough to curve the situation then not much else will work. Try not to get angry at all because the guys that she is around probably already have an opinion about you. If you get angry when you speak together in private/person, then that might go along with things they might have said. ie. why are you dating (insert name hear) he's an a**h*** who is always telling you what to do. So, let your heart help your mind think of what to say and that is really all you can do in this very touchy situation. If you show anger then she will more than likely walk. Harrieth Link to post Share on other sites
tanbark813 Posted January 5, 2006 Share Posted January 5, 2006 She later told me they had insulted me, making a comment about how much of a man I was. This is my last straw. Thank you all for all the help you've given me, if any of you have any comments on how to confront her or how to settle this, please let me know. I've gone to my limit, and I need to sit her down and talk and if this continues I think I need to just leave. Ok, I have a couple points to make. First and foremost, you guys don't sound like you have much of a relationship. From your side it's obvious you care about her but it sounds pretty one-sided. How old are each of you? She seems immature and I think she enjoys the attention not just from her male friends--as kat23 suggested--but also from having you on the phone when she's out. I think she gets off on making you jealous because of the comments her friends make. As for their last comment, I hate to say it, but you don't look like much of a man to her friends and probably not to her either. She's out having fun while you're sitting at home on the phone listening to her having a good time. Confronting her is probably a good idea but I wouldn't hold your breath about anything changing. She knows it bothers you and if she cared she'd stop it by now. Don't worry about the comments like "Would you rather I spend 100% of my time on you?" and "Would you rather I just didn't have friends". Those are just to make you feel guilty and get you to drop the argument (which, by the sound of it, worked). Anyway, if you do bring it up, just plainly state that it bothers you and you would like her to stop. Don't fall for any manipulative guilt trips. If she doesn't want to stop hanging out with her friends then you really only have 2 options (assuming you don't want things to remain the same): 1. Break up with her. 2. Don't spend any more time on the phone with her when she's out with her friends. Make sure you go out with your own friends and do your own thing. Make her wonder where you are. ONLY speak with her on the phone if she's alone and talking to you. Don't listen in like a puppy on a leash along for the ride while she places her attention elsewhere. Link to post Share on other sites
Alteezza Posted January 5, 2006 Share Posted January 5, 2006 Hahe, harsh but true on that last post. Man, it was like beating up the special olympian, but someone had to do it. Link to post Share on other sites
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