The story of my life that I ruined myself and my love

[Sophie2030]

I had a beautiful relationship for 6 years with my best man and soulmate. We lived together from the first days of our friendship and now everything has turned upside down. I am now 31 and he is 33.

3 years ago at a party, my childhood friend, whom I know and get along well with for more than 12 years, confessed that he has loved me since school and that I am the love of his life, that the strangest thing is that I thought the same about him a long time ago in the past, I wrote in my diaries , but I never in my life thought he felt the same way, nor would I have thought (except in my dreams). This confession was followed by a couple of meetings, which led to the very fact of one-time sex.

After that incident, I couldn't tell anyone about it, I destroyed my own values of being faithful, because before I used to judge people who do that, I couldn't understand how others could act like that, and all my life I believed in love like in a movie. I didn't tell my boyfriend what happened, I tried to go through everything on my own and cut off all ties with my childhood friend. I lived like this for a year until my boyfriend proposed to me next year, it was the most beautiful time and the most beautiful experiences, last year we planned our wedding, which in the end I canceled myself and we broke up, even then I couldn't tell the fact why, because I didn't want a man to walk down the altar with a woman , which was unfair to him.

After our divorce, my childhood friend heard about that and we were in contact and few meeting after that, he was saying all this year he was thinking just about me and he want to have life with me, and I know that he is amazing person and man, but still I decided to stay alone and make no one happy here.

At the end of the day after all the cancellations, I was having possibility to leave innocent here and create happy life with other person, but I not wanted to be like everyone that lying and one time in my life I wanted be honest with all people and get my values back.  I decided to burn myself and say true to my ex-fiancé, even knowing that all the people will know that I am not that great person that everyone though I am. My fiancé all that time was blaming himself for this, but reality was that everything was my fault, so I wanted to say him the true.

After some time now I can't stop thinking about my ex-fiancé, I really love him madly and the shadows of my past and that one mistake ruined my life. Now I told my man the whole truth and I don't know what to do next, not sure if it possible to return to a relationship after such a chain of events. I read a lot of articles, I went to church, I did a lot of things to psychologists to help myself, I just feel that I no longer have my values and I feel like a worthless person, I feel like I killed someone, and the most painful thing is not because it hurts me, but because, that I hurt an innocent person whose pain I would like to take with me. I am not sure if I can ever be happy in relationship after story like this, even other people saying I am still good person and I done other great things in my life, I still feel I can’t help myself to feel like I worth nothing more in this life. I need to get back to life and not sure if this is possible to have beautiful ending here. I want to believe that everything is possible.

Is there still possible to fix relationship or what to do now? 

[stillafool]

You are very courageous to tell your ex fiancé that you cheated that one time on him and that is why you broke the engagement.  A lot of people would have buried this in their thoughts, stayed quiet and went forth with the wedding.  I admire you for that.  You certainly are not worthless, but human, and quite the opposite of that word.  Maybe give him some time and he will forgive you.  If not, don't let this one bad choice determine your future with men.  You do deserve to be happy.

[Gaeta]

I agree with @stillafool we're all just humans and you regret deeply what happened. Character is built through hard time, not easy time. This is your hard time and let it be a time to learn and grow. 

Now you have a boyfriend and you're still in love with your ex. This is the next thing you need to fix in your life. It's not good to mislead someone just because we do not want to be alone. Your boyfriend deserves a woman that is 100% invested in him. You're not. 

I don't think you're meant to be with your ex-fiancé and I don't think you're meant to be with your current boyfriend. 

It's time to spend some time on your own and work on being a woman that can stand on her own and wait for the right man to invest in him.