Son would rather be with dad.

[Capetownkendra]

I left my husband in April after almost 8 years of covert narcissistic abuse including sexual, financial and psychological.

He (and his mother) have been on a campaign to smear my name, further the financial abuse, play head games, intimidate, etc. This is why the following has me very hypervigilent.

I basically raised our son alone (he is 5 years old). My husband contributed almost nothing to parenting, finances, taking care of the house etc. My son has always been a momma's boy.

Since the separation, he has been doing alright but I think everything has finally hit him. He cries to me occasionally, wishing we were still together, he's tired of going back and forth to each home etc.
This past month, he's developed a strong preference for his dad. Constantly, throughout his time with me, he asks when he's going back to his dad's, he misses his dad, how much longer does he have to stay with me, he wants to spend more time with his dad and less with me, his dad plays with him and I don't (not true), his dad is more fun than me, I work too much (custody is around my schedule so my son sees me the days I'm off work. I share 50/50 with my ex) etc.

There have been 3 MAJOR meltdowns in the past few weeks. It happens around bedtime. There is no bedtime at his dad's house. He is often up until 1 or 2 am watching the tablet and eating snacks. I'm not saying my ex never plays with him or spends time with him but his roommate confirms there is no bedtime and it's pretty much screentime 24-7, late night trips to fast food restaurants etc. I think there's a time and place for that. Not every single night. But this is the exact behaviour my ex has always had when he's been forced to be left in charge of our son while I'm out at work etc. He chucks the tablet at him, rolls over and scrolls on his phone. My ex would ignore us both all day and night, scrolling on TikTok. Another thing he's always done and my son confirms he still does is if my son is trying to get his attention while my ex is lying in bed which he often is, he'll sometimes climb on him and start talking to him and my ex will push him and say, "Get off me, man". He's said things like if our son is upset, "I'm not dealing with this, you're not ruining my night" etc. etc.

Some of this behaviour, like I said has been confirmed to still be happening. I find it difficult to believe that since the split, my ex has suddenly become superdad. But my son seems to want his dad all the time now. And at bedtimes if I take away or deny the tablet, that's when the meltdowns start and he carries on anywhere from 2-4 hours, crying, screaming, he's even hit me. Told me he wants to be with his dad. I'll offer to let him call him and he usually doesn't want to. Says he's mad at me for the separation. I ask if he talks to his dad about the split and he says sometimes and I ask what his dad says (not trying to pry but...) and he says his dad says it's adult stuff and not to worry about it. I always try to validate my son's feelings and offer to talk about the split, or missing his dad etc but by the end of 4 hours when he's crying and won't calm down and says he's not going to stop crying until I take him to his dad's, I shut down. I often end up having to take a "Mommy time out". It's so unbelievably hurtful and if it's just a phase, that's one thing but I worry my ex and or his mom may try to turn my son against me. I'm very afraid of that. If anyone has any advice or experience, I'd appreciate it. I'm not a child of divorce so I don't know how to navigate this. I have set up play therapy for him but it'll be a few weeks yet and that's if his dad agrees to sign off on it.

[MsJayne]

So sorry you're going through this, it sounds like "someone" is using your son as a means of needling you. Typical of a narcissistic ex-partner not to care, (or even understand for that matter, most of them have zero self-awareness), how their behaviour impacts children. I don't have any meaningful advice to give, a five year-old is way too young to understand why your marriage ended and even if he was older he'd still be wanting to spend time with the parent who doesn't impose boundaries. Is it possible that you could acquire a pet for your son? Sometimes having a pet at home can be a bigger enticement than being allowed to do what they please with the irresponsible parent, but you have to enforce that the pet stays at your home and is not to be carted from house to house. A new puppy or kitten is way more fun that a tablet, and it only takes a short time for the child to bond with the pet and not want to abandon it each time they go to the other parent's house. Manipulative I know, but sometimes you have to fight fire with fire. 

[basil67]

I think that your son is initially loving living in a home with no rules.  I have no advice, but there's a ton of discussions on this topic out on the web if you care to have a look - sadly a far too common scenario

[Capetownkendra]

1 hour ago, MsJayne said:

So sorry you're going through this, it sounds like "someone" is using your son as a means of needling you. Typical of a narcissistic ex-partner not to care, (or even understand for that matter, most of them have zero self-awareness), how their behaviour impacts children. I don't have any meaningful advice to give, a five year-old is way too young to understand why your marriage ended and even if he was older he'd still be wanting to spend time with the parent who doesn't impose boundaries. Is it possible that you could acquire a pet for your son? Sometimes having a pet at home can be a bigger enticement than being allowed to do what they please with the irresponsible parent, but you have to enforce that the pet stays at your home and is not to be carted from house to house. A new puppy or kitten is way more fun that a tablet, and it only takes a short time for the child to bond with the pet and not want to abandon it each time they go to the other parent's house. Manipulative I know, but sometimes you have to fight fire with fire. 

We actually just lost our cat 2 weeks ago 😔 Another thing my son has had to grieve. Eventually, we might get a new cat but it'll be a little while yet.

[BaileyB]

On 8/26/2024 at 6:15 PM, basil67 said:

I think that your son is initially loving living in a home with no rules.

Agree, just want to say that this will change over time. Children don’t generally like living in a home with no boundaries… 

I would suggest that you consider some counselling for yourself and your son, if you can. It sounds like there has been a lot of change in a very short period of time - your son may benefit from some play therapy or counselling now or as he gets older… because it sounds like your ex-husband is a real piece of work. 

[Gaeta]

On 8/26/2024 at 3:18 PM, Capetownkendra said:

 but by the end of 4 hours when he's crying and won't calm down and says he's not going to stop crying until l take him to his dad's

That is pure manipulation. It's a learned behavior and it needs to be addressed asap while the child is still malleable. You need to gather all of your resources here. If you have to disbourse to use private services, do it. You need to be guided the proper way here. 

[Lotsgoingon]

There is a pattern that happens in a lot of custody cases. It happened with my best friend when at age 15 or so, his parents split up. 

The pattern is this: a kid will sometimes choose to live with the parent they feel most distant from. I heard a family judge speak of this pattern. He was surprised when he saw it in his courtroom but learned that there was logic to what the kid was doing.

The logic goes like this. The kid has a solid relationship with the one parent (often the mom). The kid isn't worried about mom disappearing from their life after the divorce. The kid knows they can call mom and that mom knows so much about them and loves them deeply. The kid IS worried about dad disappearing and not having a relationship with dad (often dad, I should say). So by choosing to stay with the parent they're most distant from the kid is creating the best chance of having close relationships with both parents. 

Don't know if this logic applies to your situation or not. Just wanted to share. 

Edited September 4 by Lotsgoingon