kawali Posted August 27 Share Posted August 27 I met a girl at a hospital, both of us were there visiting a friend of ours who has just been diagnosed with cancer. We previously met at a House party about a year ago, we had a great conversation then but never had a chance to exchange numbers. I'm 49, she's 44, none of us have children or been married. I spent about 6 hours with her and my friend. It felt really natural to chat with her, we told stories, laughed and exchanged numbers this time. My friend at the hospital has also been trying to get us together. We made plans to hang out but she messaged me prior to us hanging out saying that she can only offer friendship, she doesn't want to feel the pressure of having to give in to something more at this time because of things going on in her life that she needs to sort out. In fairness, she has some personal issues, she is dealing with some physical pain, she was diagnosed with Trigeminal neuralgia about 10 years ago and sees a chiropractor almost everyday. She also has issues with a relative and is also going through a lawsuit. So she does have a lot going on so I understand if she doesn't want to feel pressured into a relationship right now.I told her I'm ok to be her friend as I really want to get to know her anyways before even considering asking her out. So we ended up hanging out and it was an amazing fun time, it felt effortless. It turns out we have so much in common. We ended up walking around town and had lunch and dinner together. She messaged me the next day to thank me and said she would like to see me the following weekend if I have time. I of course said yes. We all have issues, life isn't perfect. I'm willing to take my time to get to know her and even help here with her problems. She doesn't play any mind games. Always answers me when I text her and when she doesn't reply right away she explains why which she doesn't need to do. I don't message her everyday and am definitely not trying to smother her up. I'm ready to be in a relationship but not in a rush to pursue it. I don't believe in forcing anything. My question is should I take this as I sign she might be interested in me? Or am I friend zoned for good? Why would she want to hang out with someone she previously told she can only offer friendship to? Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted August 27 Share Posted August 27 8 minutes ago, kawali said: Why would she want to hang out with someone she previously told she can only offer friendship to? Do you know what friends do? They hang out together. They message each other and sometimes meet. What you have with her is a friendship. That aside, have you taken any time to consider how her lifestyle and illness may affect her life? For example, it's highly likely that her sex drive has tanked with all the pain and meds, so would you be content to have a non sexual romantic relationship? You'd refrain from offering sensual massages and wanting BJs? Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted August 27 Share Posted August 27 My take on "friend-zoning" is the following - IF you are a woman's friend and she becomes single, being a friend MIGHT be a good place to be as she might have entertained some thoughts about dating you, etc and might be willing to do that. IF you indicate interest in romance and she essentially says "no" BUT we can be friends, that is friend-zoning, in how it is usually thought of. So for that type of case, the chance of it turning around and becoming romantic is VERY low as the woman essentially doesn't see you as a potential partner. It sounds like your case is ambiguous - there is some level of positive rapport, but you haven't made definitive romantic overtures. She's indicated she's not ready for a romantic relationship generally, rather than turning you down specifically (ie, based on a lack of attraction). Given all that I would definitely not pursue her. I would consider maintaining a friendship with her, IF you feel like that's worth your time and energy, WITHOUT assumptions that it will turns into something more at some point. IF it does great, but I would definitely consider her primarily a friend only and not focus my romantic interest on her. Look for people who are looking for a partner, rather than those having issues in their life that preclude that. That way you continue seeking a more probable romantic partner, while leaving the door open to a relationship with her IF she should come around and indicate she is interested in one. Link to post Share on other sites
Author kawali Posted August 27 Author Share Posted August 27 Thanks for the advice. Let me clarify something. She has friends (guys and girls), there is no reason for her to make time and hangout with me unless she may be interested? We did have a great time when we linked up. She was smiling the whole time. We both shared a lot about each other so I think it's worth pursuing her. I did not tell her I like her, just interested in getting to know her. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted August 27 Share Posted August 27 11 minutes ago, kawali said: Thanks for the advice. Let me clarify something. She has friends (guys and girls), there is no reason for her to make time and hangout with me unless she may be interested? People can have different friends in different places, and they make time for them if they value the friendship. You told her that you're OK to be her friend, but is this really the truth? Are you a real friend, or are you trying to use the friendship as a stepping stone to a relationship? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Gebidozo Posted August 28 Share Posted August 28 OP, you are romantically interested in her, yet you told her you’d be fine with just being friends. Well, friends, by definition, aren’t romantically interested in each other. So you’re basically bending the concept of friendship and using it to get closer to her, hoping that she’ll grow to like you romantically. I’ve never understood why guys would want to do that, and honestly, this doesn’t seem like a very good ethical choice. She said clearly that she only wanted friendship, but you’re attempting to come into it with a hidden motive. If you truly want to be friends with her, then you can’t have romantic feelings for her. If you do, no friendship is possible, and you should be honest about that, with yourself and with her. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted August 28 Share Posted August 28 1 hour ago, kawali said: Thanks for the advice. Let me clarify something. She has friends (guys and girls), there is no reason for her to make time and hangout with me unless she may be interested? It's not up to you to decide if she has enough friends, is it? 1 hour ago, kawali said: We did have a great time when we linked up. She was smiling the whole time. We both shared a lot about each other so I think it's worth pursuing her. I did not tell her I like her, just interested in getting to know her. Well ... in general, women really don't appreciate it when a man does this. It happens a lot. If she thinks of you as a friend and you are just "pretending" in hopes to get into a romantic relationship with her, it makes you seem less than honest. Also you are very blatantly choosing to disregard what she told you: That she's not prepared or interested at this time. She gave you the reasons why. Neither good friends or good potential boyfriends just disregard what they are told their friend OR potential date. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ShyViolet Posted August 29 Share Posted August 29 Why would you think there's potential for more here when she has already told you "I can only offer you friendship"? That's not something that someone says when they are interested in someone romantically. It would be a good idea to actually listen to what she has said. It was pretty clear. On 8/27/2024 at 4:49 PM, kawali said: Why would she want to hang out with someone she previously told she can only offer friendship to? Because friends..... hang out. She is hanging out with you because she thinks that you are actually respecting what she has said, and that you are hanging out with her as a friend. Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted August 29 Share Posted August 29 Dude does not matter how much she smiles or how much she seems to be having fun with you, she told you she is not interested in romance. That means she is NOT interested in romance with you. That rarely--extremely rarely to the point of almost never---changes based on having fun with a friend. I'll translate her words a bit for you. You are not her type. Keep moving. You want someone who sees you as her type and vice versa. Link to post Share on other sites
semble Posted August 29 Share Posted August 29 On 8/27/2024 at 11:49 PM, kawali said: My question is should I take this as I sign she might be interested in me? Or am I friend zoned for good? Why would she want to hang out with someone she previously told she can only offer friendship to? She's clearly not interested in anything more than friendship. You're friend-zoned indefinitely, probably forever. She wants to hang out because humans are social creatures and friendships are important for many of us. Not understanding why you are unable to figure this out for yourself. My guess based on the limited amount of information and not knowing you any better than a hole in the wall is that you're hoping somebody here will tell you something you want to hear even though it defies any sort of logic or common sense. Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted August 29 Share Posted August 29 (edited) On 8/27/2024 at 4:25 PM, kawali said: She has friends (guys and girls), there is no reason for her to make time and hangout with me unless she may be interested? We did have a great time when we linked up. She was smiling the whole time. Hmm. No, I think some folks might enjoy the "friendship" aspect without it necessarily meaning it will/could "turn into more". People are not necessarily interested in "more" just because they are spending time with you. Reread what people above are telling you, and think about what she herself has said. The writing is on the wall. IMO it's fine to be her friend, spend time, etc BUT don't get your hopes up overmuch about anything beyond what you already have. IF you think it would interfere with you seeking a more available partner, I'd consider dialing the friendship back substantially. There is nothing about what you have with her that precludes you dating. There are certainly folks in the world who will be your friend and then "be happy for you" when you eventually find a romantic partner who isn't them. There's a SMALL (but real) chance your friendship could become romantic, but a MUCH HIGHER chance it will be a situation like that instead once you eventually wise up and move on. My advice (again) is to play the odds by dating others while you allow for the small possibility that this might turn into more at some point. Edited August 29 by mark clemson Link to post Share on other sites
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