sent_it Posted August 28 Share Posted August 28 I came to this the other night after asking her out on a date. She looked up from her phone and in the most annoyed tone said "what? why?" This got me thinking and I can't remember the last thing I suggested we do as a couple that we actually did. If I try to have fun or joke around with her she acts annoyed. If I try to have any conversation about anything with her the acts like she can't be bothered. The only conversations she starts revolve around something she want's me to do. I asked her last night why she always seemed to be annoyed with me and her reply was my constant complaining. Since I don't actually complain often about anything I assume this is just dismissive behavior on her part. I think she has checked out of all aspects of the marriage except the convenience. I know she has some personal issues and I tried to discuss it with her once and was shut down. That may or may not have some impact on things but since we don't talk about it I can't say for sure. In trying to figure out why she would lose respect for me I've found some things about doing too much. I take care of most household items plus all the farming. I don't mind I like to stay active and it's all easy ways to stay in shape. I've also read that being too kind can cause it. I'm not real confrontational with her on anything and tend to stay clear when she is in a bad mood. Apparently I need to be more of an a hole if I want her to respect me lol. So is it possible to regain her respect in some way that doesn't force me to be someone I'm not? Before anyone says counselor I've brought that up and it was met with much resistance. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted August 28 Share Posted August 28 The only way for her to regain respect toward you if for you to respect yourself and walk away from an unhappy marriage. It takes 2 to build a happy marriage, she doesn't want to participate, what's the alternative? live the rest of your life like this? Don't waste the best years of your life on someone who's not 100% on board with fixing your marriage. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted August 28 Share Posted August 28 I would make counseling a non-negotiable ultimatum. If she's not willing to do MC despite all reasonable considerations (letting her choose the therapist, the time and the date, etc), I don't think she cares about repairing anything. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author sent_it Posted August 28 Author Share Posted August 28 I wouldn't say I'm unhappy I like to stay busy and have plenty to do. I think she is unhappy with herself and taking it out on me. She has mentioned a few times in her past she is unhappy with her weight. Also she has made comments about be staying in shape. I've told here she can always help me it's good exercise but she has no interest. I don't have a problem with her weight and have told her that when she brings it up but that doesn't seem to help. I wouldn't say it's serious enough to me to consider ending the marriage yet. Link to post Share on other sites
MsJayne Posted August 28 Share Posted August 28 Go and see a family law specialist and find out about property settlement in the event of divorce, and do it on the quiet so she doesn't know you're preparing. Once you have that advice take all steps to make sure that any split of assets is fair and you have yourself covered. In my experience a partner who rejects the idea of counselling does so because they know they're the problem. You've offered her that option and she refused, so you need to fire a rocket up her rear by asking her if she'd like a divorce and be prepared for her to say 'yes'. You don't have to put up with a partner treating you like crap, but you do need to make sure you get what's yours in a split. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mrin Posted August 28 Share Posted August 28 3 hours ago, sent_it said: I wouldn't say I'm unhappy I like to stay busy and have plenty to do. 3 hours ago, sent_it said: I wouldn't say it's serious enough to me to consider ending the marriage yet. This is why she doesn't respect you - you tolerate this sort of treatment by her. You let it go. You accept her dismissal. You allow yourself to be a doormat. Look man it's not about being kind. Or being helpful. Those are really great qualities and you shouldn't stop doing them as a way of getting her attention. But you absolutely have to start standing up for yourself and, honestly, the marriage. You don't have to be an a-hole about it. You don't have to yell. You don't have to be mean. But when she treats you like this, call it out and tell her it isn't acceptable. Insist on marriage counseling. Maybe even sit her down for a heart to heart talk and tell her that the state of your relationship isn't acceptable and if it doesn't change, you want out. She's going to ask you what it is that she is doing that's so wrong. You need to be prepared with a list - a very long list. This is death by a thousand papercuts. Any one of them taken in isolation is trivial. But the combined sum of them with the complete lack of warmth from her is awful. Best of luck! Mrin 6 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted August 29 Share Posted August 29 12 hours ago, sent_it said: I wouldn't say I'm unhappy Really? Then why does this thread exist? You won't get results if you are not totally honest with yourself. I can't imagine someone in your position not being unahppy. You have taught yourself to accept the bare minimum and suppress your own needs and feelings, it seems. 16 hours ago, sent_it said: I know she has some personal issues What is the nature of these personal issues? Link to post Share on other sites
semble Posted August 29 Share Posted August 29 19 hours ago, sent_it said: Apparently I need to be more of an a hole if I want her to respect me lol. So is it possible to regain her respect in some way that doesn't force me to be someone I'm not? No, you need to become an a-hole if there's any chance of regaining a modicum of respect. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted August 29 Share Posted August 29 17 hours ago, sent_it said: I like to stay busy and have plenty to do You sound like my father. My mother completely emotionally shut him out so even though he's retired he's the most busy man I know. He compensates by being overly busy. Are you still intimate with your wife? Link to post Share on other sites
Gebidozo Posted August 29 Share Posted August 29 3 hours ago, semble said: No, you need to become an a-hole if there's any chance of regaining a modicum of respect. Becoming an a**h*** will only make his wife despise him and leave him. OP, if you want your wife to respect you, you should insist that she goes to couple counseling with you. If she still refuses, make it clear to her that you can’t accept her behavior and that if she is unwilling to change you will be considering separation and possibly divorce. You shouldn’t be an a**h***, you should treat both your wife and yourself with respect. Allowing her to treat you with disrespect isn’t “being nice” or “not being an a**h***”, it’s lack of self-respect. Link to post Share on other sites
Gebidozo Posted August 29 Share Posted August 29 24 minutes ago, Gaeta said: You sound like my father. My mother completely emotionally shut him out so even though he's retired he's the most busy man I know. He compensates by being overly busy. Are you still intimate with your wife? Good point. Men often make themselves too busy in order to avoid solving an emotional problem. When my ex and I were having serious emotional problems, I just worked like crazy. There was no communication about anything, just avoidance. It’s not healthy at all. Such a thing explodes sooner or later. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted August 29 Share Posted August 29 (edited) I think getting the respect you're looking for involves "showing some spine" rather than "becoming more of an ahole." Every couple/situation is a bit different, however I think that reasonably often it's true that a woman will respect their husband more if she realizes they will "show spine". I think in practical terms, in your case, this involves directly addressing how she treats you and how it makes you feel disrespected and asking/insisting that it stop. There may be some other things that need addressing, like division of responsibilities, etc. You don't want to take this sort of thing too far, but you want to get to a point where you are (at least) both reasonably happy. People often go into relationships with unconscious expectations about "how things will be" in the longer term, often based on their childhood/family of origin experiences. Since both of you have those expectations and they're normally not explicitly stated, there is often a process of hashing out a compromise over "how things will go" in the relationship in terms of addressing the day-to-day needs of living, how you treat each other in casual conversation, etc, etc. Edited August 29 by mark clemson Link to post Share on other sites
Penny4Tawts Posted September 1 Share Posted September 1 I would be concerned about the personal issues. You're in a marriage. You should be able to discuss anything. Link to post Share on other sites
Gforce77i Posted September 17 Share Posted September 17 Leave things as they are and over time, something will happen, and it won't be good! Link to post Share on other sites
jasonblackheart01 Posted September 18 Share Posted September 18 Friend...don't you feel talking to a wall? What's the feeling of talking to a non-communicative wall? A relationship is base on partnership, in communication and trust. Obviously, the other side has show uncommunicative aspects. I think its time to bring out the big gun: Talk to her parents! Parents sometimes know more about their children than their partners. Seek help to your in-laws since she's unwilling to communicate. Maybe they can help you. I know parents don't suppose to intervene in your relationships since your married, but since she wont communicate with you, you need to forget about pride and start using wits. Link to post Share on other sites
TrailHand Posted September 28 Share Posted September 28 Country boy here like yourself (assumed since you said farming). If it were me, I'd pick any of the times you try to joke/talk and she acts annoyed and after she plays that card just get up, walk across the room, and push her phone down forcefully and hold it down. Then say, "I'm getting the feeling lately that you don't love me very much. Tell me what's wrong so we can fix it. If you don't, we won't have anything to fix." That should get some kind of response. You'll have a better grip on what she's thinking after a move like that, and it'll let her know that you also see a problem and want to work on it. One caveat, she may be cheating. Irritation at everything you do is often a sign that someone is wishing they were with someone else. If that's the case, be prepared to deal with it in whatever manner you see fit. Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted October 3 Share Posted October 3 I'm a woman, and it may not work the same way when the roles are reversed, but my ex-husband starting acting annoyed with me when he was cheating. Whatever her reason, lack of respect is a relationship killer. If it goes on too long, there's no going back. Link to post Share on other sites
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