Aj856426 Posted August 28 Share Posted August 28 (edited) Sorry for the lengthy post but felt detail and context of the situation was necessary. I appreciate everyones help. I am a thinker and need help trying to understand the situation with this woman I was seeing briefly and what might be going through her head so I can mentally relax and move forward like I want to. Met this woman one night at the bar I usually go to to relax and enjoy myself. We hit it off very well with conversation the first night. It's was great company. A week or two later she comes into my work to get something (retail store) for a project she's doing. We say hey and all in passing and she asks how I'm doing. I say I'm well other than needing a drink. She said she plans to go to the bar later that night and I said I planned to do the same. I'll see you there later. We have a great time and spend most of the evening talking and close the bar down. We run to her place to get some beer because we weren't done hanging out. We end up hanging out till 4am that morning. Two hours of it in the parking lot of the bar. As the days/weeks go by we talk or message everyday. Some times more than others but we both are busy and have our own kids as well. When we would hangout time would fly by so fast and it honestly frustrated us in a sense because we would always have such a great time. We have discussions here and there about a relationship and all. She expressed she wasn't ready for a relationship at that time because she just got out of one and it traumatized her (abused in many ways). I respected it. We still did our thing. I treated her very, we had discussions about how she had been treated in the past and all. I knew I was different than anything she was describing. Not in a cocky way. She has severe trust issues and understandablely so. She recently upgraded her vehicle to a Jeep. I've been involved with Jeeps for almost two decades so I have a decent amount of knowledge. She would ask me my thoughts on ones she was looking at and what she should do. After picking one she called me while signing about the warranty stuff and what would be the best option. I was a little surprised by this whole scenario since she would always say she didn't need help with anything even when I would offer help or support. She ultimately took my advice and signed the paperwork. She was more than excited to show me the Jeep and have me drive it. I even took her somewhere to do her first off-road experience. I care a lot for her and would do anything to be there or support her but I know my value and what I bring to the table. She is an independent woman and claimed to be an empath. I questioned both of these at times because her actions at times wouldn't match those statements. She ghosted me on the 17th and since I have went into no contact with her. I soon figured out she entered into a relationship with another man without mentioning anything. I wasn't going to tolerate being an option so that why I went no contact. I made a post on FB (something I dont do often) on Saturday of a really cool sunset over a river I went to. I would send her pics of the sky and sunsets often as I enjoy them. She "loved" the picture on Saturday. Yesterday, I noticed she had unfriended me (on the 27th) suddenly which I thought was odd since she just loved the photo not even two days prior. She had over 1000 friends on her FB list and she unfriended me of all people for some reason. Seems to me there's something behind that. I know she needs help and has trauma she needs to address and I was in total support of her on that. I was not trying to "fix" her but being a foundation for her to stand on if and when she needed it. I was very patient with her and very understanding. Never pushy. Is she bothered by me not giving her the attention from me she was getting? Did I miss something? Is she possibly fighting within herself with her subconscious about the fact I treated her well and she's not accustomed to that and maybe what she needs in a man? Would she ever reach back out or try to contact me? If she does, should we talk or just tell her I'm not going to be an option and dismiss her? Did I scare her with treating her well? What would be the best attitude for me to have when we cross paths? (We go to the same gym also) Again sorry for the long post. There's more I could have put but I did my best to break it down more specifically. I appreciate everyone's reading and their thoughts and ideas. Edited August 28 by Aj856426 Miss spelling Link to post Share on other sites
Sony12 Posted August 28 Share Posted August 28 Sounds like it's simply the case that she really likes the guy she entered into a relationship with and wants to focus on him. Doesn't sound like you two were ever an item and were more just friendly with each other. She flat out told you she wasn't interested in starting anything with you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Aj856426 Posted August 28 Author Share Posted August 28 2 minutes ago, Sony12 said: Sounds like it's simply the case that she really likes the guy she entered into a relationship with and wants to focus on him. Doesn't sound like you two were ever an item and were more just friendly with each other. She flat out told you she wasn't interested in starting anything with you. Is this the case even though she said she was interested in a romantic relationship together in a few conversations? Maybe, I'm not her "type" but if that's the case she initiated things and allowed them to happen and me pursue her in the fashion. Then she would have used me in an entertainment context. Link to post Share on other sites
Gebidozo Posted August 28 Share Posted August 28 The answer to all your questions is “no”. There’s nothing to understand here, she isn’t into you romantically, she made it clear, you weren’t in a relationship and she got together with a man she likes romantically. She probably unfriended you because she felt you were developing romantic feelings for her and she doesn’t want that when she’s in a relationship with someone else. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Sony12 Posted August 28 Share Posted August 28 4 minutes ago, Aj856426 said: Is this the case even though she said she was interested in a romantic relationship together in a few conversations? Maybe, I'm not her "type" but if that's the case she initiated things and allowed them to happen and me pursue her in the fashion. Then she would have used me in an entertainment context. That usually just means they want some sex. Did you two go that route or were you mainly just talking to each other? Link to post Share on other sites
Calmandfocused Posted August 28 Share Posted August 28 Sorry Op, I think your focus of attention is all wrong here. Bottom line: she used you for attention. It was serving a purpose for her which I believe was to emotionally heal from her last relationship. As soon as she did that she was off. Classic rebound behaviour. Were you in an intimate relationship with her? I think you need to understand that you no longer serve a purpose to her. Yes it’s painful but I think you need to squash any glimmer of hope. If someone cannot see your value and doesn’t want to be with you, you let them be and find someone who does. If someone really cares about you they don’t discard you with no explanation 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Aj856426 Posted August 28 Author Share Posted August 28 33 minutes ago, Sony12 said: That usually just means they want some sex. Did you two go that route or were you mainly just talking to each other? Never went there but we had many discussions on the subject about understanding what each other wanted and expected if we did. It didn't because she said she wasn't ready for a relationship and I was being respectful about it.... Maybe she was just wanting a sex fix and not a relationship at the time...🤔 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Aj856426 Posted August 28 Author Share Posted August 28 11 minutes ago, Calmandfocused said: Sorry Op, I think your focus of attention is all wrong here. Bottom line: she used you for attention. It was serving a purpose for her which I believe was to emotionally heal from her last relationship. As soon as she did that she was off. Classic rebound behaviour. Were you in an intimate relationship with her? I think you need to understand that you no longer serve a purpose to her. Yes it’s painful but I think you need to squash any glimmer of hope. If someone cannot see your value and doesn’t want to be with you, you let them be and find someone who does. If someone really cares about you they don’t discard you with no explanation I honestly didn't think about it in that way. The rebound behavior and the discarding all makes sense. Basically it seems I was used as a crutch for her to hope on by to the next. My fault for caring the way I did. I hope she's happy. Hope some day she'll wake up one day and realize what she jacked around with and lost. Maybe she won't but it's a thought. People who do that sort of thing probably don't realize those things in time. Link to post Share on other sites
Sony12 Posted August 28 Share Posted August 28 3 minutes ago, Aj856426 said: Maybe she was just wanting a sex fix and not a relationship at the time...🤔 Most likely. Most women who are getting to know men through a bar scene aren't really looking for a gentleman. They are looking for something exciting. Link to post Share on other sites
flitzanu Posted August 28 Share Posted August 28 unfortunately, "i'm not ready for a relationship/i just got out of a relationship and not ready to date" is 99% of the time "i'm not romantically interested in you". and the other 1% .... never believe that you're the exception because you're/we're not. i don't think there was any behavior from you that you did "wrong" or could have done differently, just be more prepared next time someone uses a line like that that it's time to walk away. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted August 28 Share Posted August 28 3 hours ago, Aj856426 said: Is she possibly fighting within herself with her subconscious about the fact I treated her well and she's not accustomed to that and maybe what she needs in a man? Please don't waste energy pondering these things. The truth is we have no idea (of course), and neither do you. Nor will you ever. You may be a great guy but that doesn't necessarily mean she saw you as the right match for her. That doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you, just that she clicked better with someone else. I understand why her behaviour stings and is cofusing, to be fair. But it's for the best that she unfriended you on social media as well. You don't need her in your life in any way. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
MsJayne Posted August 28 Share Posted August 28 My guess would be that she found someone else to rescue her from her trauma so she no longer has a use for you. But it doesn't matter why she ghosted you, take it for what it is, rude and immature. Best thing to do is forget about her and if she contacts you again, ignore her. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
FredEire Posted August 30 Share Posted August 30 I think people advise not to date those just out of relationships for a reason. She used you for attention, maybe if you'd been a bit more racy and forward with her you would have provided her some rebound sex. Maybe that's what the other guy provided her, or maybe he made her feel she was in love again to fill the hole her ex left, who knows. If there's any lesson maybe it's not to date people who've just gone through a breakup and probably have a broken heart, as a healthy relationship is quite unlikely and you're looking at at best hooking up for a while and at worst used for validation. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Aj856426 Posted August 31 Author Share Posted August 31 (edited) She dropped the new guy a few days ago already so clearly she's not well in ways nor ready for a real relationship. After, thinking and looking at the whole picture now I'm starting to believe she's a dismissive avoidant Edited August 31 by Aj856426 Forgot information Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted August 31 Share Posted August 31 6 hours ago, Aj856426 said: She dropped the new guy a few days ago already so clearly she's not well in ways nor ready for a real relationship. After, thinking and looking at the whole picture now I'm starting to believe she's a dismissive avoidant That's one huge assumption. It could also be that they simply weren't compatible. Or he behaved badly. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Sony12 Posted September 1 Share Posted September 1 Or she just wanted to have sex with a hot guy a few times. Link to post Share on other sites
Gebidozo Posted September 2 Share Posted September 2 On 9/1/2024 at 12:33 AM, Aj856426 said: She dropped the new guy a few days ago already so clearly she's not well in ways nor ready for a real relationship. After, thinking and looking at the whole picture now I'm starting to believe she's a dismissive avoidant Why? There is nothing to indicate such a serious diagnosis yet. Maybe she simply tried it out with that guy and realized she wasn’t that much into him, either. Women can try out things and have short relationship of various degrees of attachment and seriousness without being dismissive avoidants. The one has very little to do with the other, if at all. I’m surprised how often people jump to convoluted conclusions when a simpler explanation seems much more likely. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
FredEire Posted September 2 Share Posted September 2 (edited) 1 hour ago, Gebidozo said: Why? There is nothing to indicate such a serious diagnosis yet. Maybe she simply tried it out with that guy and realized she wasn’t that much into him, either. Women can try out things and have short relationship of various degrees of attachment and seriousness without being dismissive avoidants. The one has very little to do with the other, if at all. I’m surprised how often people jump to convoluted conclusions when a simpler explanation seems much more likely. People are way too ready these days to diagnose their exes. Most people are not pathological malignant narcissists but you see that label everywhere these days. Just being a bit of an arsehole isn't a mental disorder, neither is a woman breaking up with some guy quickly. Edited September 2 by FredEire 2 Link to post Share on other sites
semble Posted September 2 Share Posted September 2 38 minutes ago, FredEire said: People are way too ready these days to diagnose their exes. Most people are not pathological malignant narcissists but you see that label everywhere these days. Just being a bit of an arsehole isn't a mental disorder, neither is a woman breaking up with some guy quickly. I know, right? Suddenly everyone's ex, the one they once loved, and married, and spent maybe 2 decades or more and had children with, is suddenly a narcissist with a serious mental disorder. And so is THEIR ex. Link to post Share on other sites
FredEire Posted September 2 Share Posted September 2 26 minutes ago, semble said: I know, right? Suddenly everyone's ex, the one they once loved, and married, and spent maybe 2 decades or more and had children with, is suddenly a narcissist with a serious mental disorder. And so is THEIR ex. It's sad people can't just think someone they once loved just wasn't right for them or ended up treating them badly, they have to cancel their whole personhood lol 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gebidozo Posted September 3 Share Posted September 3 12 hours ago, FredEire said: People are way too ready these days to diagnose their exes. Most people are not pathological malignant narcissists but you see that label everywhere these days. Just being a bit of an arsehole isn't a mental disorder, neither is a woman breaking up with some guy quickly. It’s a defensive mechanism used to soothe a bruised ego. ”She doesn’t want me anymore, so she must be a latent genocidal psychotic mass murderer”. Link to post Share on other sites
FredEire Posted September 3 Share Posted September 3 (edited) 6 minutes ago, Gebidozo said: It’s a defensive mechanism used to soothe a bruised ego. ”She doesn’t want me anymore, so she must be a latent genocidal psychotic mass murderer”. Yeah, I think its also sometimes to not have to come to terms with the fact that they fell in love with someone who is essentially just a dickhead. It must be because they had some serious mental disorder all along and they just weren't aware of it. Essentially it's embarrassing to think you picked that badly, unless you could never have known. Edited September 3 by FredEire Link to post Share on other sites
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