UPDATE, really need any advice possible

[upset]

hi, i'm the one who posted "what to do????" i have an update, i did just what everyone said. i called my boyfriend and told him that i didn't expect him to forgive me right away but that i just wanted a chance to explain, at first he said that he couldn't talk to me, but i was able to convince him to listen. but, he said that he wanted to talk in person so we met at the park and i explained to him that the kiss meant nothing to me and then to my surprise he forgave me. he said that relationships are based on trust and that he trusts me. i was so happy until he started blaming the whole thing on my ex. that just got me a little upset because it wasn't really my ex's fault, he was just really upset and there i was, a girl he went out with for almost two years, and i was giving him a hug, so he kissed me. it was the circumstances that caused him to do it. so anyways, this opinion of mine caused my boyfriend to get upset with me, he said that maybe he was wrong and that maybe he trusted me too much. he said that he couldn't believe i was defending my ex, then he said that i probably still have unresolved feelings for my ex. he said that i should talk to my ex and explore those feelings because he didn't want to get in the way of our "romance" and he said that in the process of exploring those feelings i should stay out of his life. he then started saying that his mother said i was nothing but trouble and that his friends had said that i was just a dumb blonde bimbo, but that he didn't believe them before. but he said that now he realized that they were telling him the truth. he said all this time i was just feeding him lies. then he said that i shouldn't try to contact him ever again, he said he wanted nothing at all to do with a hore like me. i was so hurt by his words that i couldn't even speak, all i could do was cry, i tried to say that he was wrong and that i loved him, but he couldn't understand what i was saying because i was crying so much. i don't know what to do, how could this have happened? does anyone have any advice for me please? thanks.

[Julia]

Hey

 

I understand why you are hurting so much......

 

It must be hard for you.....I read your post today, and i understand why your boyfriend may of been upset.

 

It was nice for him to give you the time to tell him your side of the story, but I think it was very immature of him, to start getting upset at you.

 

I do believe that your boyfriend is feeling a little jealous at the moment, i mean it would be hard for one of us to see our boyfriends kissing one of his ex's.

 

If it was me, after hearing everything your boyfriend said to you, I would thank him for his time in his relationship, go to your ex and say that u dont want anything with him (as he put u through the wranger as well) and then find yourself a decent new man

 

goodluck

[upset]

thanks, but you make it sound so easy. i can't just forget about my boyfriend, i love him. he had never acted this way, he always treats me so good. normally, people take one look at me and figure that i'm just some dumb blonde, but he didn't and he has never done that, he always treated me with respect and believed that i was smart, he always told me that i had the potential to do whatever i wanted. but i think you have a point, maybe he is just jealous, maybe he'll get over it and apologize. thank you so much for your adive i appreciate it so much.

[Julia]

I know I make it sound so easy.....and I'm sorry about that

 

I will tell you about one experience that I had.....which is a little about yours, but not that much...but still is relevant...

 

I was going out with a guy for 4 months, he had his ex's phoning all the time, but I knew he only wanted to be with me..I thought he was really nice, even though he only saw me once or twice a week....what can I say? sometimes love is blind.

 

Anyway, one day just after sex, he told me that he wanted a break from women, as he was getting pestered by all his ex's and wanted to take a break from me as well..

 

So I gave him a break, and two weeks later, he phoned to tell me he didnt want to be with me anymore.

 

Fast forward to one month down the track, we catch up again, and I stupidly looked forward to the date, made anzac bikkies, wore high heels, wore short skirt, everything i knew he liked....and then we went out to lunch...after lunch on the way back, he started saying nasty stuff to me....and i mean nasty....

 

It killed my love for him, and ive never been back.....and I am so glad I came to my senses.....

 

By the way I am a blonde too

 

So i kind of know what ur feelings are like, even though i have never been in that situation before

 

Cheer up and keep a smile on your dial I know its hard when your heart is breaking though!

[Tony T]

YOU ASK: "how could this have happened?"

 

It happened because once your boyfriend forgave you, you should have moved on from there. When he blamed your ex, he had to be right. If it wasn't your fault, he had to lay the blame on somebody. And as I see it, it was you ex's fault. Your ex is the one who started the kiss.

 

You had no business jumping in there and defending your ex for doing something you just got forgiven for. You should have let your boyfriend vent a little bit...because he had to pin this on somebody...then it would have been all over.

 

By sticking up for your ex, you showed your boyfriend that you still had some feelings and allegiance toward your ex.

 

You goofed.

[midori]

I don't think it was very wise to defend your ex if your first interest was regaining your bf's trust. And I think your bf made a very good point, that you ought to re-examine your feelings for that ex. Why did you feel compelled to defend the ex? Your sole concern in that encounter should have been to reassure your bf of your loyalty to him, of your love for him. Did you really think that he'd forgive and forget and be willing to tolerate this ex as anything less than an enemy? Your kiss was a betrayal, no matter how it transpired. Did you think you'd be able to patch things up with the bf and still keep the ex in your life as a "friend?" I think that's unrealistic. In your bf's shoes, I know that I'd want to know for a fact that the ex was completely out of my partner's life, for good. No communication of any kind. I'd need to know that my partner unequivocally chose me over the treacherous ex.

 

I hate to say it but it sounds like you've blown it with this guy. Winning him back would probably entail major groveling on your part and a long probation period. And your bf might never get over this, it might always be hovering in the background, poisoning your relationship. You made not one but two major mistakes and it might well be too much to hope that you can recover from them both. Everyone makes mistakes and you can learn from yours if you choose to. You really ought to re-examine your feelings for your ex. If your feelings for the ex really aren't romantic, you ought to figure out why you allowed that kiss to occur -- why you allowed the embrace to occur in the first place, because even that wasn't very wise. You can emerge from this with greater self-knowledge and a better idea of what you want to give and receive in a relationship.

[marzipan]

Hi Upset,

 

I know you are in pain, under the circumstances I don't really know what else you can do except leave him alone right now. I know it's tough but maybe your boyfriend was right, it sounds like maybe you do have unresolved issues, otherwise why would you be concerned with defending your ex to him? To begin with, I think it was your ex's fault for kissing you, you hugged him and it prompted a reaction out of him that was not your intention but it still happened. I hate to tell you this but you should not have defended your ex in this situation because it only shifted the blame on you and this really wasn't your fault. Ask yourself why it mattered so much that you defend your ex to your current boyfriend. Also in your previous post you did mention that you kissed him back so maybe you really do need to sit down and think about that for a minute. Your boyfriend is right in one way and that is that you should explore your feelings for your ex and determine whether or not they come from a friendly place or from the "ex boyfriend" place, if you know what I mean.

 

I know you are in pain and for that I am sorry because there is nothing you can do or say that will change his mind at this point. You already managed to convince him to talk to you once but I don't think he will be as willing to listen this time. I think you should have taken responsibility for hugging your ex but not for the kiss because it was so unwarranted on your part. It's good that you were honest about your feelings but at the same time it backfired on you because it just wasn't the time to defend your ex to him. Now only time will tell. Give him a few days to let things settle and also so you can think things over. Stop going over in your mind what you should have said or should have done,because it's only going to drive you insane.

 

What you should do is try to get some rest and remain calm. Remember, All is not lost here. You may have lost a boyfriend but you still have lots of other things going for you, friends, family, etc. Give him time to think and yourself as well. After a couple of days if you stil feel like you want to try and work things out then try to call him then. I know you may think your boyfriend was crazy but he may have been right, take his advice and think about your feelings and what you want. Take this time that he has given you and use it to your advantage. Then call him and see if you can set up a meeting to talk.

 

To do this though you have to be willing to admit that you were wrong in defending your ex to him. In my opinion you should not have done this because instead of owning up to something you helped create you ended up shifting the blame for what your ex did onto yourself and that made him suspicious of your intentions. I hope you can understand where he's coming from there. I think you should have left things where they were once you made up and understood that he probably wasn't going to like your ex or feel good about the ide of you hanging out with him or defending him for that matter. He is probably more angry that you would defend the guy to him after this situation occurred. I don't think he is unwarranted there, his anger is very natural in this situation.

 

I hope that helps. Good luck and take care of yourself.

hi, i'm the one who posted "what to do????" i have an update, i did just what everyone said. i called my boyfriend and told him that i didn't expect him to forgive me right away but that i just wanted a chance to explain, at first he said that he couldn't talk to me, but i was able to convince him to listen. but, he said that he wanted to talk in person so we met at the park and i explained to him that the kiss meant nothing to me and then to my surprise he forgave me. he said that relationships are based on trust and that he trusts me. i was so happy until he started blaming the whole thing on my ex. that just got me a little upset because it wasn't really my ex's fault, he was just really upset and there i was, a girl he went out with for almost two years, and i was giving him a hug, so he kissed me. it was the circumstances that caused him to do it. so anyways, this opinion of mine caused my boyfriend to get upset with me, he said that maybe he was wrong and that maybe he trusted me too much. he said that he couldn't believe i was defending my ex, then he said that i probably still have unresolved feelings for my ex. he said that i should talk to my ex and explore those feelings because he didn't want to get in the way of our "romance" and he said that in the process of exploring those feelings i should stay out of his life. he then started saying that his mother said i was nothing but trouble and that his friends had said that i was just a dumb blonde bimbo, but that he didn't believe them before. but he said that now he realized that they were telling him the truth. he said all this time i was just feeding him lies. then he said that i shouldn't try to contact him ever again, he said he wanted nothing at all to do with a hore like me. i was so hurt by his words that i couldn't even speak, all i could do was cry, i tried to say that he was wrong and that i loved him, but he couldn't understand what i was saying because i was crying so much. i don't know what to do, how could this have happened? does anyone have any advice for me please? thanks.

[Artlover]

I agree with everything that has been said except...in my humble opinion, your boyfriend went from forgiving you with an open, compassionate heart to ripping your character apart pretty damn quickly. Yes, he has a right to be angry, but not to call you a whore. Why would you even consider trying to patch things up with man who would call you that, even in anger? That is NOT a good sign. And the fact that he brought his mother and his friends into it...what's left to salvage? The cards were pretty well stacked against you to begin with. The people closest to him, don't like/trust/respect you. This is not good. This was like a ticking timebomb.

 

Yes, you messed up, but you didn't kill anybody and this too shall pass. Don't beat yourself up over this and you are NOT a whore. I know some people think it's ok to call a woman or bxtch or a whore in anger or it's ok to call a man a bxstard or whatever in anger, but it's called fighting below the belt and I don't like it.

Hi Upset, I know you are in pain, under the circumstances I don't really know what else you can do except leave him alone right now. I know it's tough but maybe your boyfriend was right, it sounds like maybe you do have unresolved issues, otherwise why would you be concerned with defending your ex to him? To begin with, I think it was your ex's fault for kissing you, you hugged him and it prompted a reaction out of him that was not your intention but it still happened. I hate to tell you this but you should not have defended your ex in this situation because it only shifted the blame on you and this really wasn't your fault. Ask yourself why it mattered so much that you defend your ex to your current boyfriend. Also in your previous post you did mention that you kissed him back so maybe you really do need to sit down and think about that for a minute. Your boyfriend is right in one way and that is that you should explore your feelings for your ex and determine whether or not they come from a friendly place or from the "ex boyfriend" place, if you know what I mean. I know you are in pain and for that I am sorry because there is nothing you can do or say that will change his mind at this point. You already managed to convince him to talk to you once but I don't think he will be as willing to listen this time. I think you should have taken responsibility for hugging your ex but not for the kiss because it was so unwarranted on your part. It's good that you were honest about your feelings but at the same time it backfired on you because it just wasn't the time to defend your ex to him. Now only time will tell. Give him a few days to let things settle and also so you can think things over. Stop going over in your mind what you should have said or should have done,because it's only going to drive you insane. What you should do is try to get some rest and remain calm. Remember, All is not lost here. You may have lost a boyfriend but you still have lots of other things going for you, friends, family, etc. Give him time to think and yourself as well. After a couple of days if you stil feel like you want to try and work things out then try to call him then. I know you may think your boyfriend was crazy but he may have been right, take his advice and think about your feelings and what you want. Take this time that he has given you and use it to your advantage. Then call him and see if you can set up a meeting to talk. To do this though you have to be willing to admit that you were wrong in defending your ex to him. In my opinion you should not have done this because instead of owning up to something you helped create you ended up shifting the blame for what your ex did onto yourself and that made him suspicious of your intentions. I hope you can understand where he's coming from there. I think you should have left things where they were once you made up and understood that he probably wasn't going to like your ex or feel good about the ide of you hanging out with him or defending him for that matter. He is probably more angry that you would defend the guy to him after this situation occurred. I don't think he is unwarranted there, his anger is very natural in this situation.

 

I hope that helps. Good luck and take care of yourself.