UntilWeMeetAgain Posted August 30 Share Posted August 30 Eng is my second language so pardon some translations. Context: We (29) met on a wedding. There was a slowly building spark from the moment we started talking to each other. With wine it grew with laughing, over slow touches, into us staying 2h later than everyone else and eventually making out. When the unspoken question of sex raised I refused it with "us both being too drunk which I dont want to take an advantage of and that I would rather enjoy it sober". But we talked about me visiting her (easier due to work). We slept in one bed anyway just hugging (might sound gay so let me just explain, that I did all decisions in hope to see her again and build something meaningful, not an ons) also there were other hosts in the same room. And tbh I did not feel so good with any girl in past 6 years. We were woken up 2h later (6am) because her friends needed to go - about 5h drive to her home. Unfortunately my still drunk and sleepy-dead ass was not so affectionate in the morning as she was (in terms of touches) and because her friends totaly rushed out (literally 10min since waking us up) we did not even kiss and exchanged contacts. (I still think that this morning is where I fcked up everything so please tell me how you would feel) In the evening I found and added her on FB and followed + texted on IG - both without any reaction (mb because I have 10y photo and "hidden" account?). So next day I reached out to bride and she gave me her number. We exchanged 3 sms with some basic "are you alive" stuff. Next day I asked her what to do with us, that I enjoyed the evening and I asked her out for date... She also enjoyed it and does not "refuse" anything but she is not rly sure that her life is stable enough to let someone in as she ended long term relationship 4 months ago (during that night she mentioned it was 3y long). So I was just supportive, empathic and that I am interested anyway. Her response was again "not refusing anything", only afraid to let someone in because she might lose him again. Me again being supportive said that she still did not repel me and I asked for some time when she would be available... Well its a week now without response. (btw all sms and not so blank like here. I made sure to tailor it as best I could, but it was still only 4 sms spanning across 3 days) Question: We both have quite small amount of free time due to hobbies and live far away from each other, but its not a big deal for me to visit her often. I am veeery selective who I date and I don't rly want to lose this one. My gut feeling is indecisive whether she is not interested or she wants to have time and space to find herself (she did not mentioned this explicitly but with other words like "I'm only now starting to know who I am and my life is curre a chaos"). So from lady POV what do you think and what would work on you? Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted August 30 Share Posted August 30 Her lack of response is telling you that she's not interested. To her, this was just a night of drunken conversation, heated kissing and cuddles. But in the sober light of day, she's leaving that night behind. And no, I don't think you messed up at any point - it was just not meant to be. I'm sorry The respectful thing at this point is to leave the ball in her court. Link to post Share on other sites
Gebidozo Posted August 31 Share Posted August 31 Not a lady, but I’ve been in your situation. Contrary to popular belief, sometimes the man is the one who wants a relationship following an exciting ONS (your case was close enough to be considered that). And the woman is the one who doesn’t. You did nothing wrong. You had a beautiful experience that was obviously great for her as well. But now you want to develop that into a relationship, while she doesn’t. Most of the time, when a woman says “I’m afraid to let someone in”, it’s a polite way of saying “I’m not interested in you romantically”. In any case, she made it pretty clear that, for whatever reasons, she doesn’t want this to become a relationship now. You should let it go. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted August 31 Share Posted August 31 7 hours ago, Gebidozo said: “I’m afraid to let someone in”, it’s a polite way of saying “I’m not interested in you romantically”. This is true. But if they are genuinely afraid to let someone in, then you'll be trying to make a relationship with a person who never lets you in. And also, what of the future with a 5 hour gap? Are you willing to pack up and move if things go well, or are you tied with family and/or employment opportunities? Link to post Share on other sites
Author UntilWeMeetAgain Posted August 31 Author Share Posted August 31 I mean she literaly said "Not refusing anything". Twice. (in those messages). That's why I'm hell of a confused. 33 minutes ago, basil67 said: Are you willing to pack up and move if things go well, or are you tied with family and/or employment opportunities? Yup, I work remotely. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted August 31 Share Posted August 31 18 minutes ago, UntilWeMeetAgain said: I mean she literaly said "Not refusing anything". Twice. (in those messages). That's why I'm hell of a confused. She's left you on read for a week. This should not be confusing Link to post Share on other sites
Gebidozo Posted August 31 Share Posted August 31 36 minutes ago, UntilWeMeetAgain said: I mean she literaly said "Not refusing anything". Twice. (in those messages). That's why I'm hell of a confused. “Not refusing anything” is just a general statement to soften the impact. It’s like people sometimes saying “Maybe some day we’ll be together again” when they break up. It means nothing. Ask yourself this: do you really want to be in a relationship with someone who isn’t ready for it (for whatever reasons)? You should find someone who clearly wants to have a relationship with you and is ready for that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted August 31 Share Posted August 31 4 hours ago, Gebidozo said: “Not refusing anything” is just a general statement to soften the impact. It’s like people sometimes saying “Maybe some day we’ll be together again” when they break up. It means nothing. Ask yourself this: do you really want to be in a relationship with someone who isn’t ready for it (for whatever reasons)? You should find someone who clearly wants to have a relationship with you and is ready for that. This ^ You’re grasping at straws Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted September 1 Share Posted September 1 On 8/31/2024 at 10:50 AM, UntilWeMeetAgain said: I mean she literaly said "Not refusing anything". Twice. That's because we ladies often have difficulty coming right out and saying no. This is a soft rejection. On 8/30/2024 at 10:41 PM, UntilWeMeetAgain said: Well its a week now without response She is not interested, man. She had a fun night with you but isn't actually keen to take it any further. On 8/30/2024 at 10:41 PM, UntilWeMeetAgain said: what would work on you? Well, nothing, really. If I am not into a guy like that, there's not much more to do with that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author UntilWeMeetAgain Posted September 2 Author Share Posted September 2 Thank you all for these valuable insights. I don't think I will ever be able to decypher this "saying yes but meaning no". And I can already see that if I'd make fun of it, the gal will be offended. Its a shame that these are the exact moments in life where we guys begin to loose character. Link to post Share on other sites
Gebidozo Posted September 3 Share Posted September 3 7 hours ago, UntilWeMeetAgain said: I don't think I will ever be able to decypher this "saying yes but meaning no". And I can already see that if I'd make fun of it, the gal will be offended. In which world does “I’m afraid to let anyone in” mean “yes”?🤔 She politely, but quite obviously declined your offer to continue this short relationship. To her, it started and ended with that quasi-ONS, and she made that quite clear. I understand that you are frustrated and your ego is sore. But there is absolutely no need to take out the frustration on her. She did or said nothing that was dishonest, deceitful, or misleading. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gebidozo Posted September 3 Share Posted September 3 7 hours ago, UntilWeMeetAgain said: Its a shame that these are the exact moments in life where we guys begin to loose character. Errrr… nope. Not “we guys”, but you. And that’s a shame, indeed. If such a tiny matter causes you to “lose character” (whatever you mean by that), then you probably have serious insecurity issues and lack confidence, self-control and self-respect. Whatever negative emotions you’re feeling now, you’re causing them to yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted September 3 Share Posted September 3 9 hours ago, UntilWeMeetAgain said: I don't think I will ever be able to decypher this "saying yes but meaning no". I didn't see that she said yes at any point. And even if she did , she always has the prerogative to change her mind. 9 hours ago, UntilWeMeetAgain said: And I can already see that if I'd make fun of it, the gal will be offended. What is "it" and why would you make fun of it? For that matter, why would you make fun of anybody? 9 hours ago, UntilWeMeetAgain said: Its a shame that these are the exact moments in life where we guys begin to loose character. Are you suggesting that guys lose character because women tell them they aren't ready for a relationship? What does this actually mean? Link to post Share on other sites
Gebidozo Posted September 3 Share Posted September 3 36 minutes ago, basil67 said: Are you suggesting that guys lose character because women tell them they aren't ready for a relationship? What does this actually mean? Unfortunately, the idea that women invariably want every ONS or short-term connection to grow into a long-term relationship is still deeply ingrained into the brains of many men. When I was younger and it happened to me that a woman didn’t want to go beyond a ONS while I did, I remember thinking (and saying) “Whoa, she’s acting like a dude, she’s making me feel like a chick!” I felt emasculated because my brain was poisoned by outdated, false gender stereotypes. In my mind, if a woman didn’t want a sexual encounter to grow into a relationship, it meant both that she was a “bad” woman and that I wasn’t “man enough”. Years had to pass before I began to understand how ridiculous and how flawed my thinking had been and what had really been causing it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author UntilWeMeetAgain Posted September 3 Author Share Posted September 3 16 hours ago, Gebidozo said: In which world does “I’m afraid to let anyone in” mean “yes”? In the "I'm not refusing anything". Especially if repeated twice. Without this it would be absolutely clear. 16 hours ago, Gebidozo said: to take out the frustration on her How on earth do I or should I take out frustration? I ended it with polite "Understandable. Here are my social media, let me know if you ever want to talk" (with different wording ofc) after 10 days. 16 hours ago, Gebidozo said: I understand that you are frustrated and your ego is sore. Not “we guys”, but you. And that’s a shame, indeed. If such a tiny matter causes you to “lose character” (whatever you mean by that), then you probably have serious insecurity issues and lack confidence, self-control and self-respect. Whatever negative emotions you’re feeling now, you’re causing them to yourself. Go gracefully gaslight someone else. As much as I hate to do it, let me get down on the level of your response so you can understand. Are you so narcissisistic and can't see over tip of your nose that you cannot imagine philosophical sentence? You should widen you circle of friends with groups of ppl that might occasionally spark a more intelligent debates that do not involve celebrities, yourself or what you had for lunch. As crazy as it might sound perhaps you won't be a d*ck anymore. 14 hours ago, basil67 said: What is "it" and why would you make fun of it? For that matter, why would you make fun of anybody? The "it" is responding in a joking matter to those "unclear statements". Like "You mean 'lets meet one day' like when my dad went for milk with 'be right back'?" (this one sounds insecure but I could not think about something better on a spot)? 14 hours ago, basil67 said: Are you suggesting that guys lose character because women tell them they aren't ready for a relationship? What does this actually mean? Why on earth would you even suggest that? I'm talking about passing on ONS in hopes for relationship - after experiences like that how many guys will pass on another if they are single and the girl is hot? It changes one's view from "lets hope we make something meaningful from such night" into "lets not throw away nice evening, we either see each other again or not". Link to post Share on other sites
Gebidozo Posted September 4 Share Posted September 4 7 hours ago, UntilWeMeetAgain said: Go gracefully gaslight someone else. As much as I hate to do it, let me get down on the level of your response so you can understand. Are you so narcissisistic and can't see over tip of your nose that you cannot imagine philosophical sentence? You should widen you circle of friends with groups of ppl that might occasionally spark a more intelligent debates that do not involve celebrities, yourself or what you had for lunch. As crazy as it might sound perhaps you won't be a d*ck anymore. Wow, that woman who ran away from you after the ONS is much wiser than I thought😊 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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