If it was never meant to be then why does it all connect back to him.

[xoxobby_25]

I just want to make a disclaimer before I begin. My old posts I was mentally unstable, going through a lot. Said and did things I regret, while trying to navigate the pandemic as a naive 19-20 year old. I am deeply sorry for the people I hurt while I was in this state. I thank those who tried to support me and give me the hard truth, even though I was in complete denial. 

I am coming back on this forum after 2 and a half years to share my observation. I am 23 years old, a uni graduate, met so many amazing friends, I am in a long term relationship. I am in a job that I am really happy at. I have been on anti-depressant medication and have been getting the help I needed many, many, years ago. 

However, my past creeps back to me in ways I really wish did not. And I fear I am slowly crawling back into the state I have spent many years trying to get out of. 

So if anyone reads my posts from 2020 I mentioned "Mr. 2019" - a guy I only went on a few dates with and was my first kiss. Despite this being a total blip, I was seriously heartbroken by him which lead me to do and say things I utterly regret. Fast forward, a loveless relationship and toxic situationships, and ALOT of therapy, I have now met the man I want to spend the rest of my life with and made me forget about the way I was treated in the past...until recently.

It actually started by my friends Snapchat story, back in mid 2022, having a fun time at a bar when I vividly see mr. 2019 in the background with his girlfriend. Already heartbroken by a recently ended situationship by someone else, I was quick to let it go. Then end of 2022 I was bored and did the forbidden social media stalk of my ex boyfriend, only to see a picture that included him, his best friend, and Mr. 2019's best friend. Turns out my ex's best friend is friends with Mr. 2019 best friend - mind you they live on two different sides of suburbia, but I took it as a coincidence and moved forward. My current boyfriend messaged me the next morning and we have been in a relationship since 😁 of course no relationship is perfect but this is the healthiest one I have ever been in and I can proudly say I am attracted to him, inside and out.

However, I started to have sudden dreams about Mr. 2019 in the past 6 months or so. Dreams mean nothing they say, so I brushed them off. However, it became too much, and with my boyfriend working late night shifts I was left alone in my own thoughts. And I did something I have not done in years. I stalked my former "flame" and stumbled across a YouTube podcast he guest starred in with his best friend, the best friend that is somewhat mutual with my ex boyfriend. 

This podcast sent me in a spiral. It was filmed over a year and a half ago, but he talks about how he wants to be a young dad to his girlfriend's children, how he was depressed before her, how he wanted to work in the mines before he met her. His friend says she is amazing and that he is happy for him. He then proceeds to talk about his construction business and how her dad helped him. The only comment was her brother commenting "🔥" emojis. I could not proceed watching the rest and there was even another episode. It was hurting too much. I was shocked after all these years and being in a happy relationship myself, I could still be hurt? 

I straight away booked a therapist appointment. When I spoke to my therapist I also mentioned work was stressful along with not seeing my boyfriend as frequently as I was and she said I was going back to this as a way to "escape". I followed her advice and when thoughts about him come up I just tell myself this is just me going into my "fantasy land" to cope with the stress that everyday life entails. 

Fast forward to just a few hours ago my boyfriend and I were talking about a suburb in our state and how we both knew people from there (not Mr. 2019 btw). He said he went on a date with one girl years back from there and he told me her name and I found her Instagram @ straight away. And that is because she is now dating one of Mr. 2019's other good friends. Once again my boyfriend lives in a completely different suburb. So I am not intentionally dating people with these connections. 

It just really does not feel like a coincidence anymore. Why does he find ways to interfere with my life WITHOUT actually doing so? As mentioned I have dated other guys and there are no connections there. It is not fair I just want to move on and be happy. I am becoming delusional by my own thoughts, thinking we will reconnect any day now. Mans clearly said he does not want me. I feel bad for my boyfriend cause he thinks I was upset that he dated before me (duh, we all have a past!) but it really was cause I am tired of this small world I live in. How no matter how much I try to move on something links me back to him. He blocked me on everything and I have blocked him too, but I check Snapchat to see if he unblocked me. I strongly fantasise about our reunion which I am truly convinced won't happen until him and his girlfriend break up. Which won't ever happen, and I do not want to wish that it will. Obviously, I feel awful cause my boyfriend does not deserve this at all! He has been nothing but good to me. I am listening to Taylor Swift at 1:30am feeling like a sad mess. It has been 5 years, will thoughts about him ever go away?

Edited August 31 by xoxobby_25

[Gebidozo]

1 hour ago, xoxobby_25 said:

I strongly fantasise about our reunion which I am truly convinced won't happen until him and his girlfriend break up. Which won't ever happen, and I do not want to wish that it will. Obviously, I feel awful cause my boyfriend does not deserve this at all

You’re right, he doesn’t. That’s why you should set him free, so that he‘ll be able to find a woman who doesn’t fantasize about a reunion with another man. His life is too short and too precious to spend it with a partner who wants someone else. And your life is also too short and too precious to spend it with someone whom you don’t truly love.

 

[ShyViolet]

1 hour ago, xoxobby_25 said:

It just really does not feel like a coincidence anymore. Why does he find ways to interfere with my life WITHOUT actually doing so? 

He is not finding ways to interfere in your life, YOU are doing all this to yourself.  Why would you look up your boyfriend's ex gf on instagram, and keep checking snapchat to see if this guy has unblocked you, and watch a podcast of the guy you're hung up on.  You need to seriously stop internet stalking all these remnants of him.  YOU are the one doing this and it is preventing you from being able to move on with an emotionally healthy life.

[stillafool]

Stop looking back and keep trucking forward.  There's nothing but pain and heartache in your past, so stop looking back at it.  As you can see your ex has moved on and fallen in love with another girl who he is probably going to marry.  There isn't going to be any running back into each other's arms declaring your love for each other that is why he blocked you. I'm sorry you're still dealing with this after all this time.  

I think I remember your story.  You only went out with this guy one time and then just texted & FB, is that right?

Edited August 31 by stillafool

[ExpatInItaly]

3 hours ago, xoxobby_25 said:

It just really does not feel like a coincidence anymore.

But it is. It's just a conincidece.

It's not some meant-to-be-connection. It's you reaching back to a fantasy-scape, as your therapist roughly put it. It's you revisiting those old feelings and getting lost in the nostalgia. Please don't apply any more meaning to it than that. 

[xoxobby_25]

4 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

You’re right, he doesn’t. That’s why you should set him free, so that he‘ll be able to find a woman who doesn’t fantasize about a reunion with another man. His life is too short and too precious to spend it with a partner who wants someone else. And your life is also too short and too precious to spend it with someone whom you don’t truly love.

Despite all this I love my current partner. And despite fantasising about a reunion I know in my head, if in an crazy alternate unrealistic universe this was ever to happen, a relationship with this other guy will not work, nor do I want it to work. I really just want these thoughts about this guy to go away for good. I do not want to break up with my current partner. 

[xoxobby_25]

4 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

He is not finding ways to interfere in your life, YOU are doing all this to yourself.  Why would you look up your boyfriend's ex gf on instagram, and keep checking snapchat to see if this guy has unblocked you, and watch a podcast of the guy you're hung up on.  You need to seriously stop internet stalking all these remnants of him.  YOU are the one doing this and it is preventing you from being able to move on with an emotionally healthy life.

I looked her up in the moment my boyfriend mentioned her name. I did not know who the girl previously was or the connection she had to Mr. 2019. That was truly a coincidence.

Thank you for your honest advice, I think I am going to book another appointment with my therapist and while I do that I am going to invest in more self care as I have let myself go this year (another story) I am convinced this is a form of escapism as I am currently unhappy with myself. 

[xoxobby_25]

3 hours ago, stillafool said:

Stop looking back and keep trucking forward.  There's nothing but pain and heartache in your past, so stop looking back at it.  As you can see your ex has moved on and fallen in love with another girl who he is probably going to marry.  There isn't going to be any running back into each other's arms declaring your love for each other that is why he blocked you. I'm sorry you're still dealing with this after all this time.  

I think I remember your story.  You only went out with this guy one time and then just texted & FB, is that right?

Therapist said the same thing. I did not mention this detail but I watched a series where a woman reunites with her first love despite them both being in marriages and having children, and it triggered all these fantasies which is why we are at where we are today. 

Also did not mention this in my initial post, but when I listened to the podcast I decided to confide in my best friend, hoping she would give me useful advice. I don't know why but she said some really unhelpful things, like mentioning that we would be married and have children if it worked out, that he was the hottest guy I "dated" and that he was where I want my current boyfriend to be (my boyfriend left his career in mechanics to follow his father's footsteps [God rest his soul] and work as a bus driver/transport logistics - it earns good money here but it is considered a socially unacceptable career choice) That started making me question everything and made me think that no one in my life will compare to him. As mentioned, it was not useful advice so I am ignoring it.

Yes you are correct, met online had three separate outings, talked a lot online. I would rather not talk about it as I spent all those years doing so but I am upset at myself for going back to this. For about 3 years I stopped thinking about the guy, moving on with my life and accepting this was not meant to be for a reason. I worked on finishing my degree and my career along with my current relationship and friendships. He has found his person (even mentioned in podcast she is the perfect girl for him) and I have found my person and we both love and adore each other. I want to only look forward but the "what if" thoughts are always so hurtful. 

[Gaeta]

Dreams are rarely about the people we see in our dreams, dreams are about the emotions we experience while dreaming.  Did you notice we never see faces of strangers in our dreams, that's because the brain can only use images we have saved in our memory at some point in our life. The Mr.2019 in your dream was not Mr.2019. Your brain used his stored image to vehiculate an emotion. That's how our brain purges our stress. Usually the images of our dream will make us feel a certain way, you need to search what makes you feel that way in your awaken life. All this is only related to stress of life, it has nothing to do with special meaning.

The fact he is dating someone that your bf dated is just pure coincidence. We all have those coincidences. I once traveled 4000km, to the middle of nowhere and l came face to face with my childhood friend.  It's just coincidence.

There is no 'what ifs'. 

[FredEire]

I can relate to this, I'm still somewhat hung up on someone I met over a year ago that it didn't work out with, because of that "wow" feeling when I first met them. I can also relate to the frustration you're feeling.

But my therapist said something fairly similar to yours. He wasn't significant enough in your life for the pain you're feeling to really be about him. Rather his leaving your life likely triggered some deeper pain that was already there, which you attached to him.

[smackie9]

Your mental health is not intact and needs a maintenance check. Some anti-depressants need a boost in dosage or another medication added with what you are taking. So having anxiety over you past/obsessive thoughts, is a pretty good indicator you need your medication or treatment adjusted. I see this in my mother all the time, and it always gets cleared up with tweaking the drug therapy. And yes it can take weeks to months for it to take effect fully.