Genital herpes

[basil67]

@despairingbuttrying  Bringing this back on topic, where's your thought train at regarding this woman who you're interested in?   Have you been in contact since writing this thread?

[despairingbuttrying]

11 hours ago, basil67 said:

@despairingbuttrying  Bringing this back on topic, where's your thought train at regarding this woman who you're interested in?   Have you been in contact since writing this thread?

Hopefully later this week, for a few hours, we're about a couple of hours away so don't see each other that often unfortunately.  But yes, we have been texting as usual every day but we haven't touched on any of this and not since the time she disclosed.  Thankfully the panic has eased and I am calmer than I was when she first told me as inevitably I feel I would. I just hope perhaps as I get to know her more and spend more time with her, I come to a point where I can feel at peace with her condition and contemplate a potential future with her.

I have booked a therapy session but on standby currently as I think it's time that I had someone to talk to again on a more regular basis.  

[Gaeta]

59 minutes ago, despairingbuttrying said:

I just hope perhaps as I get to know her more and spend more time with her, I come to a point where I can feel at peace with her condition and contemplate a potential future with her.

Have you told her about your hesitations?

[despairingbuttrying]

1 hour ago, Gaeta said:

Have you told her about your hesitations?

Not over text, no because I'd rather do that in person but I will at some point.  I'm not sure how I will feel when I next see her, first time really since I've had a bit of time to process everything. 

You are right about one thing, I do feel like my perspective of hers has shattered somewhat and yes that is partly due to my own hang ups and insecurities around sex, virginity, femininity and so on but I do have to come to a point where I can be totally comfortable being with her and WANTING to be intimate with her (at least in my head) like I did before she told me.  At least to the point where the herpes isn't even an issue.  Do you think that's possible? 

[Gaeta]

42 minutes ago, despairingbuttrying said:

Do you think that's possible? 

No.

I told you in the first page to end this. Not because of the hsv2 but because you are not the right candidate for her with your history and your general view on women, sex, religion & hang ups, l truly beleive this woman is not for you.

Also you are borderline using her as a guinee pig in some personal challenge. This is not right. Since she told you you did not share with her your fears so she is thinking everything is alright. You never spoke about her feelings in this thread and that's also not right.

Edited September 5 by Gaeta

[Els]

17 hours ago, despairingbuttrying said:

Where have I said I had unprotected sex? I shouldn't have used the term one night stand, what I meant was I hooked up with them for the evening, and we had some fun, received oral from a few of them but at no point did my penis enter their vaginas.

I realise sometimes oral sex can transmit stds which is why I've had tests done and they've all been clear. 

Oral sex is sex... it's in the name. And yes, if you have oral sex without a condom or a dental dam (for cunnilingus), then you had unprotected oral sex. You can get HPV from this, which there is no reliable test for in men, and when you have unprotected vaginal sex in the future it's possible for you to transmit that.

Quote

I started the thread to discuss how to navigate the news of a partner disclosing that they have a STD and how to deal with the emotional and psychical challenges of someone in that situation. 

Yes, and a big part of these challenges is apparently your "Christian" view of sex, which your girlfriend having herpes apparently conflicts with. We're trying to explain to you that your perspective is skewed and that these "challenges" could just be your anxiety spiraling out of control.

If you truly have been completely chaste, then I suppose it's understandable that you might be scared by the idea of your girlfriend having had a previous partner and getting herpes. But if you've been having unprotected sex (again, remember, oral sex is sex) with strangers repeatedly, then can you not see how you are blowing this wildly out of proportion? You hooked up with strangers SEVEN times, and out of those seven times not once did it seem to bother you that you might pick up an STD - because you did it again and again. You literally did not know these people - they could be HIV positive for all you knew - and you still had unprotected oral sex with them. But now that you're dating this woman, all of a sudden it's a big deal? How does that work?

I do agree with @Gaeta that you should break up with her, though. Also, please tell her about your past. Not everyone needs to do this, because most people already know that their partner has past sexual history of some sort and they don't care. But considering the context of your relationship, religion, and your views on sex... I don't think it's fair for her to not know that. She deserves to be able to make an informed decision about carrying on in a relationship with you, just like how she was upfront with you about hers.

Edited September 5 by Els

[despairingbuttrying]

1 hour ago, Gaeta said:

No.

I told you in the first page to end this. Not because of the hsv2 but because you are not the right candidate for her with your history and your general view on women, sex, religion & hang ups, l truly beleive this woman is not for you.

Also you are borderline using her as a guinee pig in some personal challenge. This is not right. Since she told you you did not share with her your fears so she is thinking everything is alright. You never spoke about her feelings in this thread and that's also not right.

I did say I haven't yet because I haven't seen her in person since she told me and had the opportunity to really talk this through properly. At the time yes I did voice my fears and concerns but not in major detail because it was a shock and I was trying to process it. And I'm still trying to do that now. Making a snap decision with an anxious and fearful mindset is something I have done before and that was awful. Now I'm calmed down a bit I think more rationally. 

I did disclose some of what I've done but not in major detail in the same way she didn't either, i.e. numbers etc. But like I said in my OP that was something I was prepared to accept. 

[despairingbuttrying]

I've been doing a huge amount of research into herpes, as I'm currently dating someone with genital herpes and it's quite alarming how severe the stigma is.

So according to the statistics, 67% globally have herpes simplex virus type 1 (HSV-1) infection, the main cause of oral herpes. That's 3.7 billion! 
An estimated 491 million people aged 15–49 (13%) worldwide have herpes simplex virus type 2 (HSV-2) infection, the main cause of genital herpes. That's 491 million.

With such huge numbers why then the persistent stigma? What's more is that those numbers are likely to be even higher given the fact that alot of people aren't even aware that they have it as sometimes the symptoms are so mild they can be ignored as a random skin infection or something. 

No one could care less if these sores are on the mouth and lips but when it's on the genitals people freak out and assume that person must have been highly promiscuous when that is not necessarily the case.

Because of the stigma, most people, would stop dating / break up with someone who discloses they have it without perhaps understanding the condition fully. 

I've heard from a few of you already but good to know some more stories of other users either if you have it currently or have or are dating someone with it. 

[Els]

21 minutes ago, despairingbuttrying said:

Because of the stigma, most people, would stop dating / break up with someone who discloses they have it

Maybe this is true in your circle, but not generally. Most people I know view it as an unfortunate but completely manageable condition.

[Gaeta]

You already have an active thread about this.

[Gaeta]

58 minutes ago, despairingbuttrying said:

Because of the stigma, most people, would stop dating / break up with someone who discloses they have it without perhaps understanding the condition fully. 

That's in your head.  I had plenty of boyfriends who were ok with me having hsv2.

I also know a few people with this and they dated, got in relationships just fine.

But we went all over this already with you.

[despairingbuttrying]

I think I am on the verge of a break up. It's not going to be easy. 

Edited September 26 by despairingbuttrying

[Gaeta]

Just do it. 

I told you in your past 2 threads, you are not the right man for her. You have way too much anxiety around her condition. Please let her go so you both can find a better match.

[smackie9]

You are carrying way too much guilt. She knows her condition is going to have issues with a lot of people. So if you end it, she's going to be disappointed, but she's going to also understand. 

[Gebidozo]

8 hours ago, despairingbuttrying said:

I think I am on the verge of a break up. It's not going to be easy. 

Because of the herpes itself or because you can’t accept her “impure” past? Or are there any other reasons?

[Alpacalia]

@despairingbuttryingyou deserve to be with a partner that you feel confident and comfortable with. That said, a partner with genital herpes deserves to be with someone that doesn't question her worth or make her feel ashamed because of her diagnosis. You're not a match.

Edited September 27 by Alpacalia

[despairingbuttrying]

So an update on that original situation with this girl I was dating....

I was on an overseas trip last month and everything was fine until the last few days when I started to notice her being very cold and distant with her texts. She said she felt disconnected for many reasons.

Ever since she told me about her herpes, she has been looking for signs of acceptance from me and she feels that there was a shift in communication from my end. I wasn't as complimentary and affectionate etc. over text and we didn't call as often. I admit this is all true, there was a shift on my part because I guess I was still trying to process her having herpes and the long term impact that it could have. I was going through a wave of emotions myself trying to deal with it. She felt something had changed for me and I had taken a step back. 

She did mention she had serious doubts about our spiritual compatibility too and the fact that we could be different in these areas. 

We met and talked it through and the thought of losing her shook me up again and I realise I didn't want to lose her. From that moment I wanted to make this work. 

After that I didn't see her for two weeks but in that time she continued to be distant and cold with me consistently, despite the fact that I made a huge effort to show her that I do want to commit to her and make things work and what I think of her. I sent her chocolates, made an effort to call her, checked in with her, told her how I felt, not every day but enough to make her aware that I was serious about her. But i just wasn't getting anything back from her and her compliments towards me which were daily before, were now non existent. Her texts which were affectionate and long were now cold and short. I sensed the end was coming but in my mind if I saw her in person things could be different. So I held onto some hope. 

Not to be. I travelled to see her today for the first time in two weeks and we ended it today. 

Basically, she's saying she hasn't changed her position, she's still feeling disconnected despite trying to get back to where we were, she just can't.

We barely talked about the herpes but instead she brought up the compatibility issues, how we aren't similar on certain things etc kind of vague. Now annoyingly she said she didn't plan to have this conversation but just hang out and see how things go today which seems contradictory, because in person things might be different! But then I couldn't pretend that nothing was wrong because clearly that's not the case as she was being so cold and distant the moment we met. 

At one point I just asked her straight out do you want to continue, just be honest and say if you don't want this. She said she wasn't sure and that we can put a pause on things. Basically it seems she just isn't sure. 

However we then went for a walk, had a pizza before I got my train home later in the evening. Those few hours we just chatted and caught up and it was nice I thought. I should have just left but I thought if I hang out with her a bit longer then maybe she can reconnect even in that short time. When it was time to say goodbye, I asked her again, what do you want to do... She said I don't think it's right to continue and that she's sorry. And that was it. We hugged, said goodbye and went our separate ways. So it's definitely the end. I won't be texting her or contacting her again, perhaps a Christmas message later in the year. 

She said herself I did nothing wrong the entire time we were together. And maybe that's why she was conflicted and unsure herself about ending it. I do think these compatibility issues are valid, sure but I do genuinely think once someone really likes you then surely they will do whatever they can to make things work and try to look past them. It's not as if I said I'm not going to church anymore or I don't read my bible etc. The differences she brought up were important to her though, so what can I do. I believe I did everything I could from treating her as well as I could to deciding to commit to her after that period and showing her my intentions and being patient as I could. But it wasn't enough and ultimately her reactions, the physical distance between us, the advice she was perhaps receiving from friends or whoever were all out of my control. 

Someone who I thought was into me, suddenly changed her feelings and not feel the same despite me doing nothing wrong and that hurts.

It's difficult enough to meet someone who I deeply connect with, find attractive. I have waited years for this. I was extremely down about not meeting someone before her, and then I met her and for a brief moment, there was hope and I dared to finally believe that this could actually work. But it's ended like every other promising situation and now I'm back to where I was. And now I'm going to think with the next girl, I fear the same outcome after a promising start. I wish I could just give up sometimes and at 41, it may not be too late but time is not on my side. 

Sorry this is so long and appreciate if you've made it this far and yes just to say, you were all correct in your advice and thoughts earlier about ending this. Guess it was her that did it in the end. 

[basil67]

 

9 minutes ago, despairingbuttrying said:

I do think these compatibility issues are valid, sure but I do genuinely think once someone really likes you then surely they will do whatever they can to make things work and try to look past them.

Ironic you should be saying this when you were the one who created distance in the first place and took too long to try and fix it.   The spiral you went into was the death knell for the relationship - no amount of flowers or chocolates were going to make up for it

[despairingbuttrying]

40 minutes ago, basil67 said:

 

Ironic you should be saying this when you were the one who created distance in the first place and took too long to try and fix it.   The spiral you went into was the death knell for the relationship - no amount of flowers or chocolates were going to make up for it

This was not deliberate in any way. I couldn't help how I reacted at the time, and yes perhaps in retrospect I did come across shocked and judgy which made her feel uneasy from that point on. But I simply wanted time to process it which she acknowledged as well. I do admit though when I went away, I did feel different during that time. But the possibility of her potentially ending things then made me realise I did infact want this because of who she was as a person, the fact that we get on well, there was a strong connection and we shared similar beliefs and values.

That effectively created such a strong urge for me to show her that I do value her and want to be with her. So all the good intentions I had in the last few weeks were genuine. I did want make things work but I understand to her that may seem disingenuous. 

I just wanted to take time to think it through (the herpes) and the impact it would have. I believe that's a sensible thing to do because we are thinking about marriage when dating. I didn't run away or freak out for those weeks. I prayed and processed it in the way I knew best. 

[basil67]

10 minutes ago, despairingbuttrying said:

This was not deliberate in any way. I couldn't help how I reacted at the time,

That it wasn't deliberate doesn't mean it didn't happen.   And our actions/reactions have consequences.

May I remind you: you started this thread on Sept 2 and by Sept 27 you were writing that you were going to break up.   You've only been writing about her for six weeks, and for at least  half of that, you had one foot out the door.   So you've had about 2.5 good weeks at best.   I think it's entirely understandable that she ended it

[despairingbuttrying]

1 minute ago, basil67 said:

That it wasn't deliberate doesn't mean it didn't happen.   And our actions/reactions have consequences.

May I remind you: you started this thread on Sept 2 and by Sept 27 you were writing that you were going to break up.   You've only been writing about her for six weeks, and for at least  half of that, you had one foot out the door.   So you've had about 2.5 good weeks at best.   I think it's entirely understandable that she ended it

We started talking early June so yes that thread I started was just after she mentioned the herpes. When I sensed we might break up, that was the same feeling I had today - as in I sensed she would break up with me. I didn't want to. 

2.5 weeks you mean to process the herpes? 

[basil67]

1 minute ago, despairingbuttrying said:

We started talking early June so yes that thread I started was just after she mentioned the herpes. When I sensed we might break up, that was the same feeling I had today - as in I sensed she would break up with me. I didn't want to. 

2.5 weeks you mean to process the herpes? 

Ok, there's a lot of gaps in your timeline, so I'll retract my above comment. 

It was actually very clear that you were having an incredibly strong reaction which you couldn't control.  Unfortunately, it was overwhelming enough to have consequences on the relationship.   She doesn't owe you time for the relationship to recover if she doesn't want to

[despairingbuttrying]

32 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Ok, there's a lot of gaps in your timeline, so I'll retract my above comment. 

It was actually very clear that you were having an incredibly strong reaction which you couldn't control.  Unfortunately, it was overwhelming enough to have consequences on the relationship.   She doesn't owe you time for the relationship to recover if she doesn't want to

Oh yes, the first time and only reason I started posting on here was when she told me about herpes. So yes you're right so strong was my reaction that I needed to come on a forum like this to talk it through. I guess that says alot about mindset at that time.

Yes and I'm not expecting anything now. 

And asides from the herpes there were other factors too as I mentioned - the spiritual stuff, wondering how similar we were etc but I think the herpes revelation was the catalyst and from there, she started reflecting on these other aspects. 

[Gebidozo]

2 hours ago, despairingbuttrying said:

Someone who I thought was into me, suddenly changed her feelings and not feel the same despite me doing nothing wrong and that hurts.

What do you mean “despite you doing nothing wrong”? You were indignant about her past, you went cold and hesitant and distant after she told you about the herpes. You were ready to break up with her a month ago, if I recall correctly.

This is not her “suddenly changing her feelings”, this is her reacting to your inability to accept her and drawing the obvious conclusion from it.

What goes around comes around. If you want to be loved by a woman, the first thing to do is to love her. If you want to be accepted by a woman, warts and all, you should accept her, warts and all.

[despairingbuttrying]

1 hour ago, Gebidozo said:

What do you mean “despite you doing nothing wrong”? You were indignant about her past, you went cold and hesitant and distant after she told you about the herpes. You were ready to break up with her a month ago, if I recall correctly.

This is not her “suddenly changing her feelings”, this is her reacting to your inability to accept her and drawing the obvious conclusion from it.

What goes around comes around. If you want to be loved by a woman, the first thing to do is to love her. If you want to be accepted by a woman, warts and all, you should accept her, warts and all.

Well she herself said I've done nothing wrong. All I can do is be authentic and couldn't help react the way I did when I received that information. Some will not even give it a second thought, unfortunately I wasn't one of those people. 

I didn't want to break up with her, I never have at any point. And that's because I did believe there was enough there to make this work. So in that sense I wanted to show her that I did accept her and wanted to fall in love with her and made it clear two/three weeks that was the case. 

But it appears that she had moved on in her mind and couldn't go back to how things were.