basil67 Posted October 12 Share Posted October 12 17 minutes ago, despairingbuttrying said: Well she herself said I've done nothing wrong. ^ Standard breakup line. It's another version of "it's not you, it's me". It gets said because if the dumper gives a reason, the dumpee will argue against it 17 minutes ago, despairingbuttrying said: I didn't want to break up with her, I never have at any point. You said on page one that you were already checking out and she had noticed the difference Link to post Share on other sites
Author despairingbuttrying Posted October 12 Author Share Posted October 12 3 hours ago, basil67 said: ^ Standard breakup line. It's another version of "it's not you, it's me". It gets said because if the dumper gives a reason, the dumpee will argue against it You said on page one that you were already checking out and she had noticed the difference There were the differences in spiritual compatibility that she brought up which she felt were an issue to her and other differences like our outlooks, priorities, how we communicate. I think what I meant was I hadn't said or done anything to offend or upset, I hadn't hurt her intentionally and so on. And that's why she was unsure herself about what to do because nothing bad had happened. Link to post Share on other sites
Author despairingbuttrying Posted October 12 Author Share Posted October 12 (edited) Say the herpes didn't even affect me or say she didn't disclose it at all, then these other unrelated doubts and issues could well have come up too at some point but I suspect it would have been dealt in a different context and in a different lens compared to how it was here. It may still not have been right herpes or not. Anyway, I am really struggling here. Last night when I left her I was fine, got home, fine. But I haven't slept at all. The pain I feel right now is gut wrenching. I didn't think it would be this bad. Every time I close my eyes, I see her, hear here and wish it could have been different. She would have dreams about me, that's how strongly she felt towards me. So to go from that to switching off her feelings almost overnight is a really painful experience. Plus this is the first time since like perhaps 2009 that I've been with a girl who has shown me this level of affection and attention. That's like 15 years! I know it was genuine and real from her and maybe I took it for granted slightly thinking this could be it, this is going to last and she'll be here because of how strongly she felt. Even then we're only talking 2 months of her being like this before she switched and those feelings were no more. Such a short period of time overall but like I said in my world, this is so rare for me to even date someone this long. Therefore I'm fearing this might take alot longer for me to recover than it should. Edited October 12 by despairingbuttrying Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted October 12 Share Posted October 12 Yeah, breakups are s***. Hang in there 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted October 12 Share Posted October 12 Since the day she told you, every day you could not make up your mind about her, was a day you rejected her. It broke her connection to you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author despairingbuttrying Posted October 13 Author Share Posted October 13 There's no point beating myself over this but really hard not to because I did really like her and wanted this to work but by the time I really realised that she had moved on in her own mind and shut down her feelings. I suppose it's that, that makes me want to get her back and of course that is a natural reaction. When we met the other day for the last time she was actually intending to hang out and see "how things go" but I pressed her to find out how she was feeling and where she stood. Did I screw it up by doing this? We sat down and it was about 30 mins or so that I started getting into this stuff. Perhaps if we hadn't talked about that, we would have just hung out for the day and perhaps she may have felt differently. Hard to say but then as we're long distance I would not have seen for a while and the cycle I guess would have repeated itself. There's no way I could not approach the subject since she was being distant and cold with me when I first met her on the Friday. After we had the coffee, then we did hang out and walked around the city, got some food, chatted about normal stuff like things used to be for several hours. All the while she was the same and reminded me where she stood and how she feels. There were a couple of moments where I hugged her and touched her arm and she didn't pull away but I obviously didn't want to keep pushing it. As you can see this is really affecting me and I'm going through all the different scenarios about "if I had done this then..." Plus now she's come up with this other stuff about we're not really that similar and we see serving at church differently etc. So she will use that to fall back on as well if I even hinted at reconnecting. Link to post Share on other sites
Gebidozo Posted October 13 Share Posted October 13 1 hour ago, despairingbuttrying said: So she will use that to fall back on as well if I even hinted at reconnecting. You have a strange way of interpreting this breakup. You seem to think that it was just a momentary fluke, almost a malfunction of hers, which you could have prevented by saying or not saying or doing or not doing this or that. You’re forgetting that the moment of the breakup is the result and the summation of ongoing irreconcilable problems. You aren’t surprised when water reaches its boiling point in a kettle, right? You understand that the water doesn’t boil suddenly, that it must be gradually heated in order to boil. Well, a breakup is a “boiling point”. It’s just the final stage and the visible manifestation of a process that has been going on for a while. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author despairingbuttrying Posted October 13 Author Share Posted October 13 Quote When we met the other day for the last time she was actually intending to hang out and see "how things go" but I pressed her to find out how she was feeling and where she stood. Did I screw it up by doing this? We sat down and it was about 30 mins or so that I started getting into this stuff. Perhaps if we hadn't talked about that, we would have just hung out for the day and perhaps she may have felt differently. Hard to say but then as we're long distance I would not have seen for a while and the cycle I guess would have repeated itself. There's no way I could not approach the subject since she was being distant and cold with me when I first met her on the Friday. After we had the coffee, then we did hang out and walked around the city, got some food, chatted about normal stuff like things used to be for several hours. All the while she was the same and reminded me where she stood and how she feels. There were a couple of moments where I hugged her and touched her arm and she didn't pull away but I obviously didn't want to keep pushing it. The reason why I brought this up is because when I saw her on the Friday two weeks ago, we did discuss things in detail, I re-iterated my stance and how I felt about her and said I wanted to make things work and she was still unsure of course because emotionally she still doubted the acceptance of the herpes for example. But when we went back to her place, it was nice although she still said she feels the same, she didn't pull away when I wanted to kiss and just hug her. That weekend she seemed to pull towards me again, she started sending more texts, we had a nice call on the Sunday and I felt that perhaps we could be back on track. So the reason I bring this up is I felt that this Friday gone, if we had just hung out in the same way we did two weeks ago, perhaps she would have been more at ease by spending time with me IN-PERSON and then that might have helped her reconnect potentially. That all said though, ultimately, when we were saying goodbye, I did ask what she wants to do and if there was any doubt she would have at least said, let's see how things go or put a pause on things and see (which is what she was saying earlier on the same day). I keep wanting to fight for this but like you're saying it's too late. Link to post Share on other sites
Author despairingbuttrying Posted October 13 Author Share Posted October 13 24 minutes ago, Gebidozo said: You have a strange way of interpreting this breakup. You seem to think that it was just a momentary fluke, almost a malfunction of hers, which you could have prevented by saying or not saying or doing or not doing this or that. You’re forgetting that the moment of the breakup is the result and the summation of ongoing irreconcilable problems. You aren’t surprised when water reaches its boiling point in a kettle, right? You understand that the water doesn’t boil suddenly, that it must be gradually heated in order to boil. Well, a breakup is a “boiling point”. It’s just the final stage and the visible manifestation of a process that has been going on for a while. Yes I see what you mean. Two days before she disconnected and checked out, she did say to me, when talking to her friend, how I mean what I say and that made her feel safe and secure. Few days before that she was dreaming about me in her dreams. Everything from my point of view was great as far as I could see it, that's why it was such a shock when she backed away in the way she did. Not blaming her for it but you can understand why and how I am reacting as I am now. It's so surreal. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted October 13 Share Posted October 13 27 minutes ago, despairingbuttrying said: she was still unsure of course because emotionally she still doubted the acceptance of the herpes for example And there it is - exactly what we've been saying. She was trying to get past your reaction and trying to be positive, but too much doubt had been planted. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted October 13 Share Posted October 13 6 hours ago, despairingbuttrying said: " but I pressed her to find out how she was feeling and where she stood. You wanted the security of her love while you kept her in limbo for almost 2 months. How selfish. You will be fine. Next time acknowledge your limits and don't bite bigger than you can chew. Link to post Share on other sites
Author despairingbuttrying Posted October 13 Author Share Posted October 13 1 hour ago, Gaeta said: You wanted the security of her love while you kept her in limbo for almost 2 months. How selfish. You will be fine. Next time acknowledge your limits and don't bite bigger than you can chew. She told me after two months of dating. I should have expressed how I was feeling myself but didn't want to make her feel even more anxious or insecure. Anyway, it's over and I'm just trying to recover and it's tough. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted October 13 Share Posted October 13 8 hours ago, despairingbuttrying said: She told me after two months of dating. I should have expressed how I was feeling myself but didn't want to make her feel even more anxious or insecure. Anyway, it's over and I'm just trying to recover and it's tough. Your feelings were so strong I could feel them through the keyboard,. She would have known. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts