Dating for 10 months, she asked for money, now ghosting me. Was I used?

[JmanNYC]

Long time lurker, first time poster. I've never had luck with ladies, never been a ladies man. I'm an average looking guy and I'm a super nice guy. But never had long term serious relationship. Girls never seemed to be into me. Even in grade school, high school, college, etc. In older life I've just casually dated. I'm a professional in the medical field I make mid 6 figures.

10 months ago, I started dating this Asian lady she is 49 I'm 51. We met through mutual friends. We just would go out once a week to dinner or a movie. Nothing serious, not living together or engaged. She would invite me over her house and cook dinner for me. This went on for months.

One thing that concerned me was her spending habits... she blows through money like it's paper. She told me that her credit cards are maxed out, she defaulted on her last car, and has depleted her savings. I've seen her spend money and it's scary. She makes around $50k/yr.

Other areas of concern were her constant flattery of me. She was always telling me how smart I was, good looking, etc. Once we were at a restaurant and I flat out asked her what she thought about me and where our relationship was going. She wrapped her leg around mine and hugged me tight and said "you are so my type, I want to be with you so bad". Now keep in mind it's easy to look back at this but when it's happening I was clueless. Don't fault me.

We went on vacation to Europe (yes, I paid for everything). She never came across as a gold digger or user. Although I paid for dates and vacations, she never asked for anything.

A week after we got back, she calls me all flustered and tells me that she has not been able to pay her rent for a few months and she's received an eviction notice and she's in default on her car and it's going to be repo'd. Then she asks like this "I need $10,000 can you give me the money". It rolled off her tongue as if she was asking for $20 gas money. I was almost in shock. Who the heck asks a non-family member for $10,000!!! I told her I do not loan money sorry. She explained that she would pay me back at $200/month. Well that was 3 weeks ago and she's totally ghosted me. If I text her she leaves me on 'read'. If I call she doesn't answer. She's completely stopped communicating and seeing me. 100% ghosted me.

I've talked to a few Asian guys (Chinese, Filipino, Vietnamese) and they told me that most Asian women are after white men for their money. I can't believe that this was some kind of long con... I mean 10 MONTHS? Would a woman actually date me for 10 months just for a financial safety net? I hope I was note being set up to be used but it sure seems that way. Very upset now. Lonely again. Also she had a son who was almost 18 and we got very close; did all kinds of guy stuff (sports games, car shows) and now he's also ghosted me.

Did I screw something up or was I just used?

Edited September 2 by JmanNYC

[Gaeta]

1 hour ago, JmanNYC said:

Would a woman actually date me for 10 months just for a financial safety net?

The answer is yes. 

Why did you keep on dating her when you learn she was a compulsive spender and she was deep into debts?

 

[Els]

Did you give her the $10k? I hope not...

There are plenty of Asian female/white male couples that don't involve financial abuse. In fact, in some of the couples that I know of, the woman was the higher earning partner! But your case is obviously different. There were a ton of red flags from the beginning: the spending habits, the extreme flattery, heck even constantly cooking dinner for you without reciprocation so early in the relationship. IMO the signs were staring you in the face.

Unfortunately I don't think there's anything you can do about this woman, but you can learn from it. Be smarter in the future, learn to recognize red flags.

 

Edited September 2 by Els

[Gebidozo]

9 hours ago, JmanNYC said:

I've talked to a few Asian guys (Chinese, Filipino, Vietnamese) and they told me that most Asian women are after white men for their money.

Those Asian guys are pathetic self-racists who are simply jealous. Many educated, independent Asian women do prefer Western European or North American men, because Western culture is less misogynistic and they don’t force women into stereotypical gender roles.

That said, unfortunately in your case the woman is, indeed a gold-digger of sorts. This type is sadly still widespread in East Asian countries for cultural reasons. It has nothing to do with race. Asian gold-diggers, just like Western gold-diggers, go after men with money, whether they are Western or not. 

10 months isn’t a long time at all. People are known to run much longer scams. I’m sorry this has happened to you, but you have to get over it and keep trying. There are plenty of good women out there, and many Asian ones among them, by the way.

 

Edited September 3 by Gebidozo

[semble]

It's rather shocking that you need to ask the question in the first place.

But since you are clearly that naive and ignorant, the answer is of course you were used and she was only after your money, and when she was made aware that you weren't going to give it to her she moved on to her next potential victim.

Please- be smarter going forward. Then again although you laid out a bunch of cash while you were together, it could have been much worse.

Just because you've got a penis doesn't mean you gotta be the only one opening the wallet.

 

[ExpatInItaly]

13 hours ago, JmanNYC said:

Would a woman actually date me for 10 months just for a financial safety net?

My guy, people sometimes marry each other for finanical safety nets. 

So yes, you could say this woman was also looking for that. When she realized you were not a bank, she bolted. She was less interested in you as a person than she was in your account balance. I am curious why you continued dating her in spite of seeing big red flags with her spending - even if she had never asked you for money, did that not set off alarm bells that you should avoid becoming entangled with her? 

Let's say the relationship went okay and you had gottne hitched. Don't you think her terrible money management would have come back to bite you anyway?

[Els]

9 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

Many educated, independent Asian women do prefer Western European or North American men, because Western culture is less misogynistic and they don’t force women into stereotypical gender roles.

This. For me, it doesn't necessarily have to be an ethnically Western man (my husband is also Asian, lol), but it has to be a person with an at least somewhat Western/progressive/individualistic mindset. I'd literally rather chew on broken glass than marry a dude who expects to have his parents live with us and who is unwilling to lift a finger in the house. Ugh.

Edited September 3 by Els

[Gebidozo]

3 hours ago, Els said:

This. For me, it doesn't necessarily have to be an ethnically Western man (my husband is also Asian, lol), but it has to be a person with an at least somewhat Western/progressive/individualistic mindset. I'd literally rather chew on broken glass than marry a dude who expects to have his parents live with us and who is unwilling to lift a finger in the house. Ugh.

Yes, of course by “Western” I mean exactly the same as you, mindset rather than ethnicity. 

My Asian fiancée has a more progressive and individualistic mindset than the ethnically Western me, I’m still learning from her😊

[smackie9]

You can put a label on all you want but, this lady has an addiction problem...spending money. She has never addressed this or looked at this as an addiction issue. Like most people they either hide it or ignore they have a problem. Have to give it a thought...she was quite honest about her spending issues. With addiction comes, cheating, stealing and lying to get what they want....I would say her tactic was lying....buttering you up so you would open your wallet for the dinners, dates and a trip. Oh well....you got out of it pretty much intact. Her on the other hand, she is going to be homeless with creditors chasing after her. Just a matter of time she's gonna find herself on the street.

[Herkamer]

I'm going to be brutally honest on a few fronts, but I'm doing this out of respect and as one man to another. So don't take anything said here personally (nor any other readers).

First off, if she didn't say she really liked you in any way, those "dates" weren't dates. They were meal tickets for her. Only reason she cooked for you was out of necessity to keep you around. I mean, just dinner and/or a movie? Why weren't you doing anything beyond that? Did you suggest doing any outdoor activities, anything that's physically fun (non-s*xual)? If you didn't, well, that one's kind of on you. Now if you did, and she kept rejecting it, that would have been an indicator that she wasn't interested in the first place. I know there's people out there that are content on not doing much, but at least they make an effort to actually getting into something fun. So with it just being lazy bodies, not a good sign.

Another red flag was her insane spending. I can understand bills and necessities to keep afloat, but when she's spending her money on things that are unnecessary then asks you for $10k out of the blue then "promised" to pay it back, no. She's scrambling to find $10k to keep up with her insane expensive lifestyle. What did she spend the money on? Makeup, clothes, luxuries? Something doesn't make sense, but I'll get back to this later.

Her flattery of you was to ensure you don't leave her life. I'm sorry, but when someone starts pulling stuff like what you described in public, she's wanting you for something. The women I was interested in, I never did that with them, nor did they do that with me when they liked me. 

The trip to Europe with this woman was a mistake as well. You never let someone you see once a week, for a little while, join you on a trip because she will drain your bank account. Meals, gifts, stays, activities, she'll spend it as she sees fit. Plus with you observing how you described her bad spending habits, it was bound to happen that way. If you were to let her join along with anything, it would have simply been the next town over. She's not your wife, fiance, heck, at this point, I wouldn't even call her your girlfriend, based on what your description.

The fact that she's ghosting you after you told her 'no' to giving her $10k says everything you needed to know about her. I'm not as sure about Asian women spending an insane amount of money as being that unique because that's A LOT of women nowadays, regardless of their background. It sounds like she just never respected you, nor was grateful. Not to be a downer, but it sounds like you were just the ATM for what she wanted to do, and the things she may actually enjoy might have been spent with another guy. There are people out there that do that, use someone for money/attention/validation then be with the person they actually really like. I'm not saying she was cheating on you, but it wouldn't surprise me if she did. And you wouldn't be the only guy that goes through that either. We've all been there in one form or another.

Very long story made short, girl I dated back in 2020 still had her ex-fiance from 5-6 years before as a contact. I remembered whenever she made a criticism about him, it was always followed up with a compliment or 2 for him. She even made trips down to the town where she originally met and got engaged at. She could not let him go, and one day then for the next 3 weeks, she said nothing to me. It was because the day we dated, she got word her ex passed away from the guy's wife. Hence, later on, once I got my mind straight after she called it off, she always had him in her contacts list. And I also remember taking her out, paying for our food and drinks, driving her everywhere, I was her free access to that stuff. The guy she really wanted was living elsewhere. But when she got word of his passing, that was it for us emotionally that day, and eventually, we stopped doing stuff together. So I know the feeling on that front.

You sound like a decent dude, with a good job and a steady income. All good things, and there's nothing wrong being average because, well, 80-90% of all people are average. And everyone severely underestimates the average person. However, for women like this lady you've been seeing, they see hot and ugly men. Those type of people are literally that black and white about it. They'll make up whatever story about themselves if you try to measure by what you're looking for and justify why they're worth it without changing a thing (red flags and all), but to guys like us, we're repulsive and only good for opening up our wallets and giving them attention. Otherwise, if they actually liked us, they'd be making efforts to seeing us more than once a week or how ever often to go do stuff with us.

Since you haven't mentioned what you do on your free time, I'll offer these pieces of advice and they're simple to follow if you're looking to up your chances. You may be saying to yourself that you have x, y, and z things going on in life that'll prevent you from doing this, but trust me when I say you can make time (just have to make some sacrifices and adjustments to your schedule) and it's really the only way to get a woman you may find attractive to commit to you:

-got to the gym and workout to get into much better shape

-diet properly to lose unhealthy and maintain healthy weight

-more in style wardrobe

-get into a physical hobby (running, bicycling, swimming, dancing, etc)

-spend more time with family and friends (make new friends and hang with them)

-improve work habits

Put in the grind, man. Stay a good dude most definitely, but this'll all build up your confidence and people will levitate towards you. They'll have a new found respect for you. Yes, there are going to be people out there that may find attractive and they may see you the same way, except, in their minds, you don't meet their standards (ie you're not perfect). I'm not encouraging you to be in a relationship, but you'll have a better idea on who actually like you doesn't really care if you're the ideal man or not. Don't beat yourself up because someone like this woman isn't showing you respect. She made herself the way she is with her demands and handling of money. You chose to be successful and responsible. Now, if you want to put yourself back out there following this advice, you'll find someone that like you for you. Be good, brother!

[MsJayne]

On 9/3/2024 at 1:14 AM, JmanNYC said:

Did I screw something up

No, on the contrary, your refusal to be manipulated into piggy-bank status forced her to reveal her reason for being in the relationship, and that's a good thing. She's let you know that you were paying for her company, the dinners she cooked, and the flattery.  

On 9/3/2024 at 1:14 AM, JmanNYC said:

or was I just used?

Yes, but the upside is that you found out about her gold-diggerism relatively early, before you lost your house  . At best she's just one of those dumb**ses who confuse financial security with love, at worst she's a conniving sociopath who thought she'd found the golden ticket. Either way she's carrying bad juju. She did you a big favour by ghosting you, it's saved you a fortune. Don't be a schmuck and let her back into your life when she comes back all sweet and charming and love-bomb-ish, it'll just mean she hasn't found a new customer yet. 

[sickandtiredOfex]

I'm so sorry that happened to you. That's awful. 

Did u give her the 10000?  yes she's gone along with your cash and so is her alleged son, is it her son and I bet you weren't the only man she's done that to either. never give someone money unless it's your kids or your parents. If someone wants that amount of money they can get it from elsewhere you are not a bank machine. The realisation she has done this is going to hit you hard. We live in a world where women are happy to contribute half of everything, I'd be embarrassed if a male paid for everything.. Things need to be done half way split. She's a con woman and conned you of your heart and wealth and karma will catch up with her she will mess with the wrong person one day. 

Don't contact her unless she contacts you and keep all messages safe as you may need to report her to police for theft. 

[FredEire]

If she cared about you she would never ask you such a thing. I'm glad you stood up for yourself and gave her nothing.

Even if you have a good salary don't create a power imbalance by indulging the woman you're dating. You're both fully grown adults and should both be contributing.

Unfortunately she probably spotted you were lonely and not overly successful with women and latched on to it. Don't get suckered by it again if someone has money problems and doesn't pay for anything.

[BaileyB]

Thankfully you didn’t loan her the money. She has reviewed her true colours/intentions, and you are sitting pretty with your money safe in the bank… you are the winner here. You wouldn’t want to date a woman in that much debt anyway… even if her intentions were honest. Next.

[ShyViolet]

A basic rule of life: you never loan anyone money.  I don't care if it's someone you have been dating for a few months, or a friend that you've known for years.  If you gave her that money, that was a foolish mistake.  That's really on you.

[JmanNYC]

On 9/3/2024 at 11:43 AM, Herkamer said:

I'm going to be brutally honest on a few fronts, but I'm doing this out of respect and as one man to another. So don't take anything said here personally (nor any other readers).

First off, if she didn't say she really liked you in any way, those "dates" weren't dates. They were meal tickets for her. Only reason she cooked for you was out of necessity to keep you around. I mean, just dinner and/or a movie? Why weren't you doing anything beyond that? Did you suggest doing any outdoor activities, anything that's physically fun (non-s*xual)?

We both work long hours so just dinner dates. But one time she texted me mid-afternoon stating she was home alone, kid was not home, she felt lonesome. I offered to come over (thinking this was a booty call) and she replied "no, don't come over I'm ok". I thought that was very odd. Why would she tell me all that and they decline me coming over?

Quote

Another red flag was her insane spending. I can understand bills and necessities to keep afloat, but when she's spending her money on things that are unnecessary then asks you for $10k out of the blue then "promised" to pay it back, no. She's scrambling to find $10k to keep up with her insane expensive lifestyle. What did she spend the money on? Makeup, clothes, luxuries? Something doesn't make sense, but I'll get back to this later.

For every $1 she makes, she spends $2. She buys everything she sees but then cannot pay rent or pay utilities.

Quote

Her flattery of you was to ensure you don't leave her life. I'm sorry, but when someone starts pulling stuff like what you described in public, she's wanting you for something. The women I was interested in, I never did that with them, nor did they do that with me when they liked me. 

Yea I thought the whole grabbing me tight at the restaurant was a bit over the top. Who tf acts like that in public? And yea she was constantly verbally flattering me which was weird. Always talking me up. It was like way overboard.

Quote

The fact that she's ghosting you after you told her 'no' to giving her $10k says everything you needed to know about her. I'm not as sure about Asian women spending an insane amount of money as being that unique because that's A LOT of women nowadays, regardless of their background. It sounds like she just never respected you, nor was grateful. Not to be a downer, but it sounds like you were just the ATM for what she wanted to do, and the things she may actually enjoy might have been spent with another guy. There are people out there that do that, use someone for money/attention/validation then be with the person they actually really like. I'm not saying she was cheating on you, but it wouldn't surprise me if she did. And you wouldn't be the only guy that goes through that either. We've all been there in one form or another.

Yea as soon as I did not give her the $10k she changed dramatically and basically began talking/texting me less and less and then a week later just 100% ghosted me.

Quote

 

 

Edited September 5 by JmanNYC

[JmanNYC]

12 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

A basic rule of life: you never loan anyone money.  I don't care if it's someone you have been dating for a few months, or a friend that you've known for years.  If you gave her that money, that was a foolish mistake.  That's really on you.

No I did not giver her the money. $10,000? I'd be out of my mind. Sorry not a chance. In the past when I have ever loaned money to friends or family I was NEVER paid back and it always turned into disaster.

[JmanNYC]

On 9/3/2024 at 4:20 PM, FredEire said:

If she cared about you she would never ask you such a thing. I'm glad you stood up for yourself and gave her nothing.

Even if you have a good salary don't create a power imbalance by indulging the woman you're dating. You're both fully grown adults and should both be contributing.

I always pay for dinner dates as a man I think that's what's appropriate. However, when we went to Europe I paid 100% of everything.

[FredEire]

14 minutes ago, JmanNYC said:

I always pay for dinner dates as a man I think that's what's appropriate. However, when we went to Europe I paid 100% of everything.

Stuff like dinner or drinks you can go one way or the other these days, especially when you first start dating. But at some point especially with other stuff that's more practical than leisure you have to put your foot down and say ok we're both grown adults, let's share the financial contribution.

I've dated girls from cultures where the man generally pays for everything and they actually told me they were shocked that I suggested splitting, but guess what? They ended up respecting me more for it.

By insisting you share the majority of your expenses as a couple 50/50 you'll end up attracting more women who respect you as a man with a backbone, and if a woman ends up throwing a strop and leaving over a fairly reasonable suggestion in terms of modern dating in the western world, she isn't someone you want in your life anyway.

You might think you're just being chivalrous, but unfortunately some women will just see that you're someone they can milk for money rather than build a relationship with.

Edited September 5 by FredEire

[Marka]

I am a bit surprised by some replies here. Couldn't even imagine that cooking for a guy is a red flag.... It is quite a natural reciprocation in a relationship with traditional gender roles. Woman cooks for her man and a man takes her out for dinners. Strange...

I think JmanNYC, if you enjoy taking a traditional male role in a relationship, please do so. No decent woman would think less or you. Now back to this lady. She is a red flag not because of her cooking for you or not even because of complimenting. Sure it may be too much compliments for you personally but many men love not only with their eyes but also with their ears. She is definitely a red flag because of her money mismanagement and asking 10k from yourself to cover her debt. This is really really crazy.  Though i wouldn't mind a guy taking me out to dates I cannot even imagine asking him for money, unless it is true emergency, by that i dont mean a potential eviction due to debt. This is fully self created issue.  I am surprised that you continued dating her, knowing all these issues, though I guess you didnt plan anything serious here, like moving together etc.

I know some Asian woman, and money is important to them, but it not a sole reason for them in selecting their partners. It is also true that many of them don't want Asian men because of them being condescending to women, seeing women beneath them. So those women I know (and they are very successful professionals) are looking either for Western guys or western born Asian guys exactly because of that reason. 

[Gebidozo]

3 hours ago, Marka said:

Couldn't even imagine that cooking for a guy is a red flag

Cooking, in itself, isn’t a red flag. It’s constant, “aggressive” cooking, plus unabashed, ridiculous flattery, plus all those other little signs that testify to a certain modus operandi. It’s a primitive, stereotypical scheme to “catch” a man, because “the way to a man’s heart lies through his stomach”, “men need their ego to be stroked”, and so on.

[Gaeta]

On 9/4/2024 at 10:49 PM, FredEire said:

By insisting you share the majority of your expenses as a couple 50/50 you'll end up attracting more women who respect you

Ouch! I am as modern as can be and l would not date a man that requires 50%. First it's bad math. What if one of us earns 4 times more.

The important in a relationship is to both invest with something. The man l date now doesn't want me to pay for anything l still will pay for parking, the popcorn & drinks, l leave the tips, l buy him gifts, buy his kids gifts, l pick up his favorites at grocery store, etc. 

My ex made half my earning so l never expected he'd paid 50%. I picked the bill most of the time, he was a talented handyman so he saved me tons of money by renovating my property. 

In general if you don't feel taken advantage of then you're getting something back that has value to you.

Was this woman playing him? Sure she was playing the long game. 

[Gebidozo]

22 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

In general if you don't feel taken advantage of then you're getting something back that has value to you.

Totally agree.

Financial dynamics of a relationship are very tricky to navigate. But what I’ve learned over the course of years and several relationships that partly didn’t work due to incompatible financial concepts is that any kind of a rigid system (“man pays for everything”, “50/50”, “whoever earns more pays 33.6758% more”) is doomed if there is no real trust, flexibility and generosity in the relationship.

Edited September 7 by Gebidozo

[Herkamer]

I'm glad things are now making sense as to what happened. And I apologize in case if I sounded mean spirited towards you. That was not the intent. From what it sounds like, you're just a normal guy that wants some stability. And I see too many men who get burned horribly over things that they should never have to experience. I've been a victim of it. I've been accused of being a creep, been ghosted, lied to , lied about, made fun of, led on, flaked on, just things that should never happen to anyone. I can take rejection and still be friends with whoever it is, but one thing that doesn't sit well with me is when my image and reputation are at risk all because of a lie and/or misconception about myself. The things I was accused of or the people who lied about me, none of it was true, obviously.  And I think that's a lot of average men nowadays, a lot of these kind of women and their simps throwing mud on us hoping something sticks so we don't go after them anymore. It makes it more difficult for us, and other women who are not like that, to be with someone.

Don't think I'm trying to be a downer or anything, but I what I found the best thing you can do as a man is to not date nor seek out women and focus on you. I think I said it in my last post but I'm not sure because I forgot and I didn't go back and read what I posted (sorry), but here's going to be my advice (again, if I posted it in the last message) if you're looking to increase your chances (and this might be lengthy, but please bear with me):

-Hit the gym and diet. Those 2 go hand in hand. Reshape your body, improve your physical health because it will improve your mental (and spiritual, if you believe) health. Not only will you feel better, but also give you goals to set out on and try to achieve. It can also help increase work habits at your job and better interact with the people around you because you are more confident than what you were before. Not to mention you can find better wardrobe, improve your hygiene, and take care of your whole body, which would also include skin care (and these are things I would also advise as well). On top of that, a lot of women, despite what they may, love a men who's well trimmed and looks good. So if there was a starting place for you, the gym and dieting are it. And if you're already doing both, up your workouts and eat healthier. Can't tell you how you should do it, but I did keto and that did wonders for me. Going from a 300+ pound man down to 200 pounds. Major difference. But find the diet and workouts that work for you, so long as you are reshaped properly in the end.

-If work is making you a decent income, get a good physical hobby going. Something sporty and that you can enjoy. Whether be running, swimming, bicycling, stuff that not only you enjoy but also can test your mettle in competitions and even for charities, as well as doing it for fun. For example, I do ballroom/Latin dancing. My instructors (husband and wife) are professional dancers and dance competitively. These guys are showing me that not only is a good time to dance but also helps you out on so many different levels on a physical and mental front. I never realized how stiff I was until I saw these guys. The amount of work and focus it takes is far more than what people see in shows like Dancing With The Stars. It helped me come up with a new workout routine and how my body works. I was a big man for 15 years and never was an athlete so at 38 y/o I'm learning what my body can actually do and what needs worked on. Today, I'm competing and showcasing, as well as going out and doing it socially, and it shows how much improvement my body has underwent. Dancing had also improved my confidence and my work habits. I talk to women better now than I ever did because ballroom/Latin dancing has taught me how to communicate. Sure, much of it's body movement, but when translating it into words, you sound more confident and sure of yourself in what you're saying. That's been my experience with a good physical hobby, and, honestly, I recommend ANYONE to do so. Anyone can sit down and do games, but it takes real effort and determination get your body moving. So keep that in mind because it'll increase your worth as an individual.

-Spend more time with your family and friends. As I mentioned, I dancing socially as well as competing. Whenever I go out to be with my friends to a ballroom studio where they have social events, I will typically find men who come in by themselves. It's an indicator that they're looking for a woman to pick up. Whether or not if they're good dancers, the only thing they have are moves. One guy I saw, and know is a better dancer than me because he's been at it much longer than me (seemingly), came in but was with no one. One woman that works there, who's in her 20s, pretty, and seems nice enough, she was chosen by this dude back to back to back. I'm not kidding, and he would not let go of her once he asked her to dance. He danced with other women once, but as soon as she came along, man, he was starting to put the moves on her (no pun intended). In the end, though, she did eventually start to dance with other men and began to fade into the background. He didn't talk to hardly anyone, was on his phone, and when he did talk to someone, it was with that woman or another of equal looks. Needless to say he went home with no one that night. It's a shame because he seemed like a good dude, but when you're on your own at a place like that and you're not with any friends, it makes many women wonder if you're just there for one thing and one thing only (unless you're extremely good looking, then they go talk to you). So it's important to have family and friends around, and spend time with them whenever you can. It'll show that you have social life that doesn't include that woman you like and that you enjoy the company of others.

-Lastly, as cliched as it sounds, be yourself. No need to impress and no need to try and act like something you're not. Be you. Too many people pretending to be something more than what they are but it's just theater. That's why they're called (for men) "simps" and (for women) "pick me girls" because they're behind kissers. No need to be. If there's someone you like, it's up to them whether or not if they feel the same about you. Definitely try to be a good, courteous, kind, down to earth person, but also, don't try to act as if you're a saint, so don't be self righteous. We're all flawed, but if people see that we are and we do what we can to not let that run our lives, they'll respect you for it, maybe even like you. So with that woman you were seeing, part of it might have been she saw that you were being a little too generous and she took advantage of you. As soon as she saw the real you and what your resolve was, she ran because you started to respect yourself and know your worth. I'd say good riddance because she was going to make your life miserable and you don't need that. You seem like a reasonable man, and don't let an influence like that ruin it.

Anyway, I hope this helps. Sorry this was lengthy, but if there's any part of this that helps you, I'll feel better knowing that it did.

[Els]

On 9/5/2024 at 12:36 PM, JmanNYC said:

I always pay for dinner dates as a man I think that's what's appropriate. However, when we went to Europe I paid 100% of everything.

I'm curious why you would volunteer to pay for 100% of an expensive vacation for a person you've only been dating for 10 months and who has demonstrated absolutely appalling financial management. I think it might be worth analyzing your own motives and thought processes here, because this sounds like exactly the sort of thing that financial abusers are looking for in a target.