Dating for 10 months, she asked for money, now ghosting me. Was I used?

[Leihla_B]

I think it's reasonable for each person to contribute toward dating in whatever ways they can reciprocate. Home-cooked meals are a lost art. A strict 50-50 rule sounds uninspiring. It would limit the richer person's dating pool to only those who can afford to match them dollar-per-dollar unless they want to limit themselves to only cheap dates in order to accommodate the other. I'd find that uncreative and ridiculous, but I guess it's fine for some. 

You were wise to avoid loaning the money. It wouldn't have been a loan, it would have been a gift, because you've already observed that she'd have zero capacity to repay it. And that's likely the answer you'd get from a small claims court unless you withheld the information about her debts and spending. But most jurisdictions don't allow claims that high, anyway. So while you might get a judgment for 5 or 8K, you'd never get repaid.

You get to decide whether you were used, or not. If you enjoyed your dates with this woman, it might be beneficial to tell yourself that she's too ashamed to face you after that request. Either that, or she's too busy prepping for a move-out, or she's hitting up all the other men she's been setting up for such a request. Who knows?

Head high, you dodged a bullet.

Edited September 11 by Leihla_B

[Els]

19 hours ago, Leihla_B said:

Home-cooked meals are a lost art. A strict 50-50 rule sounds uninspiring. It would limit the richer person's dating pool to only those who can afford to match them dollar-per-dollar unless they want to limit themselves to only cheap dates in order to accommodate the other. I'd find that uncreative and ridiculous, but I guess it's fine for some. 

This woman was constantly cooking for a man whom she only saw once a week and whom she had only been dating for a few months. She was accepting an all-expenses-paid vacation to a different continent (assuming JmanNYC is, indeed, from NYC) from a man she had only been dating for a few months. Does that sound normal to you? Then add the continual accumulation of credit card debt, and you might see why some of us are scratching our heads wondering how the OP didn't see this coming.

There's a HUGE spectrum between what the OP describes and "strict 50-50 for everything". Most healthy relationships fall in the middle.

[Leihla_B]

I agree with your main points, I'd just like to address some things:

2 hours ago, Els said:

This woman was constantly cooking for a man whom she only saw once a week and whom she had only been dating for a few months.

This in itself is not alarming to me. I've had neighbors who love to cook invite me or bring me multiple meals per week, practically from the day I first met them. Another friend at work always cooked large meals, and she'd have me meet her at the fridge at least once a week to give me portions. She also insisted that I cannot repay her in any way, or she'd be insulted. So I'd just go bonkers on her gifts for holidays and birthdays so she couldn't fault me for that. I've got lots more examples, but my point is, this is why I refer to home cooking as a nearly lost art form that some people simply love to share with those who can appreciate all the work and talent that goes into them.

Quote

She was accepting an all-expenses-paid vacation to a different continent (assuming JmanNYC is, indeed, from NYC) from a man she had only been dating for a few months. Does that sound normal to you?

I'd accept, too, if the offer came from a grown man with all his faculties, who I liked enough to cook for and share meals with regularly for a few months. That's also not the part that bothers me...but you're getting there...

Quote

Then add the continual accumulation of credit card debt, and you might see why some of us are scratching our heads wondering how the OP didn't see this coming.

Here's where I can lean into agreement with you. I don't understand how the OP learned about all her debts and spending. Did he snoop through her records, or did she tell him? If she told him these details, then yes, he surely is dense for not recognize being fed a bunch of crazy damsel-in-distress BS. Just because she didn't explicity ask for help during these revelations doesn't mean she wasn't attempting to manipulate that kind of offer from him.

Quote

There's a HUGE spectrum between what the OP describes and "strict 50-50 for everything". Most healthy relationships fall in the middle.

You're right. I should have quoted the hardline 50/50 talk from someone in this thread, because that's what I was referring to. I only know of one couple who ever operated that way, but they divorced within 2 years.

Thanks for a great discussion!

Edited September 12 by Leihla_B

[bpb2017]

On 9/3/2024 at 1:30 AM, Gebidozo said:

Those Asian guys are pathetic self-racists who are simply jealous.

 

No, there is some truth to this. In many Asian cultures, parents are the most important thing financially. They are expected to support their parents. Men support their parents, and women try to end up with a guy that can do the same for hers. Even if the woman works it's still the same, and even if they move to the West it can still be instilled in many generations afterward. The only exception is if her parents are already wealthy.

OP's username ends with NYC. I assume they live in NYC? Asian girls that move to expensive cities are infinitely more likely to fall into this category.

 

On 9/3/2024 at 7:43 PM, Herkamer said:

Another red flag was her insane spending. I can understand bills and necessities to keep afloat, but when she's spending her money on things that are unnecessary then asks you for $10k out of the blue then "promised" to pay it back, no. She's scrambling to find $10k to keep up with her insane expensive lifestyle. What did she spend the money on? Makeup, clothes, luxuries? Something doesn't make sense, but I'll get back to this later.

OP's username ends with NYC. If they live in New York then spending $10k quickly without seeing anything tangible is typical. But $50k income in NYC for a 49 year old is a huge problem. Yikes. I would guess that she's always had a guy to cover her costs at some point, but now that she's 49 it's a struggle.

On 9/5/2024 at 3:29 AM, JmanNYC said:

For every $1 she makes, she spends $2. She buys everything she sees but then cannot pay rent or pay utilities.

You have just described a large portion of women living in big cities. The weird part is that she's 49.

On 9/2/2024 at 4:14 PM, JmanNYC said:

She explained that she would pay me back at $200/month.

That means never. Even if you did give her the $10k I can assure you that it will be quickly forgotten from women of this type, and she'll be asking for more.  Also, why wouldn't she pay off her CC before you? 

Edited September 15 by bpb2017

[Gebidozo]

2 hours ago, bpb2017 said:

Men support their parents, and women try to end up with a guy that can do the same for hers.

First of all, financially supporting one’s own or your spouses old parents is something that people all over the world do, it’s not a peculiarly Asian trait. People do that when the parents are old and poor and can’t adequately provide for themselves. 

Second, the conversation wasn’t about that at all. It was about the OP mentioning Asian men that told him that Asian gold-diggers are specifically looking for Western men to exploit. To which I said, that’s just their petty jealousy and inverted racism talking. Asian gold-diggers are much more likely to exploit Asian men, because they are more likely to be playing that game themselves.

 

[Gaeta]

7 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

.Asian gold-diggers are much more likely to exploit Asian men, because they are more likely to be playing that game themselves

Asian men consider aaian-women above 30 as used good so these older Asian women have to date non-Asian men. A 20 year old could find an Asian man to exploit, a 49 yo, never ever.

[Gebidozo]

2 hours ago, Gaeta said:

Asian men consider aaian-women above 30 as used good so these older Asian women have to date non-Asian men. A 20 year old could find an Asian man to exploit, a 49 yo, never ever.

Yeah, you’ve got a point there.

I just hate this mentality. “Used goods”…Motherf***ers objectify women all the time, and then they are surprised that Asian women are looking for Western or at least Western-minded men. Serves you right, misogynists😁

[Els]

On 9/13/2024 at 7:38 AM, Leihla_B said:

Here's where I can lean into agreement with you. I don't understand how the OP learned about all her debts and spending. Did he snoop through her records, or did she tell him? If she told him these details, then yes, he surely is dense for not recognize being fed a bunch of crazy damsel-in-distress BS. Just because she didn't explicity ask for help during these revelations doesn't mean she wasn't attempting to manipulate that kind of offer from him.

Yes, exactly. IMO, she was already fishing for a long, long, LONG time. Straight up asking for 10k was probably a last ditch attempt when she had already prepared to write him off.

This is very clearly financial scamming and not in any way related to her ethnicity or the expectation of men in Asian cultures to be providers. Men in Asia are NOT expected to be paying off the credit card debt of a woman he hasn't even dated for a year and whom he only sees once a week... 🤣 If anyone believes that that sort of behaviour is "cultural", it's because that's what they WANTED you to believe.

[Gforce77i]

Yes you were. 

[jasonblackheart01]

Yes you were used...obviously. In Chinese weibo, we called that kind of woman Green Tea B or something. You know, in you want to show off your money so much, woman will naturally cling to you like leeches, sucking you dry until there left in you. If your intention is to get a decent woman, don't easily show your assets until you know she's decent. 

[JmanNYC]

On 9/15/2024 at 2:42 PM, Els said:

Yes, exactly. IMO, she was already fishing for a long, long, LONG time. Straight up asking for 10k was probably a last ditch attempt when she had already prepared to write him off.

This is very clearly financial scamming and not in any way related to her ethnicity or the expectation of men in Asian cultures to be providers. Men in Asia are NOT expected to be paying off the credit card debt of a woman he hasn't even dated for a year and whom he only sees once a week... 🤣 If anyone believes that that sort of behaviour is "cultural", it's because that's what they WANTED you to believe.

The thing I was thinking...she did not pay rent for 4 months. She had to know the inev was going to happen and that eviction notice would be on her door. She had to know it was coming all that time. Do you think that all the flattery and cooking for me was just to butter me up for the big windfall? She pulled the trigger asking for the $10k but the gun blew up in her face and she got $0. Another thing is if she cared about me and enjoyed my company, she would not change after I refused the $. She has 100% ghosted me.

I just cannot believe I was strung along for 10 MONTHS just to be used as an ATM.

Edited September 19 by JmanNYC

[Gaeta]

1 hour ago, JmanNYC said:

Do you think that all the flattery and cooking for me was just to butter me up for the big windfall? She pulled the trigger asking for the $10k but the gun blew up in her face and she got $0. Another thing is if she cared about me and enjoyed my company, she would not change after I refused the $. She has 100% ghosted me.

Yes, l beleive she was buttering you up.

It's hard to accept but you will get over it. Give yourself some time.

I am sure at 100% she is buttering up someone else right now.

[Leihla_B]

5 hours ago, JmanNYC said:

The thing I was thinking...she did not pay rent for 4 months. She had to know the inev was going to happen and that eviction notice would be on her door. She had to know it was coming all that time. Do you think that all the flattery and cooking for me was just to butter me up for the big windfall? She pulled the trigger asking for the $10k but the gun blew up in her face and she got $0. Another thing is if she cared about me and enjoyed my company, she would not change after I refused the $. She has 100% ghosted me.

I just cannot believe I was strung along for 10 MONTHS just to be used as an ATM.

How did you find out about all her debts and spending, and when did you learn of this?

 

[JmanNYC]

14 hours ago, Leihla_B said:

How did you find out about all her debts and spending, and when did you learn of this?

 

I saw her spending in person. She told me about the other debts. I also looked her up on our state court's web site and she's been sued by creditors and her car loan company going back a few years.

[Leihla_B]

20 hours ago, JmanNYC said:

I saw her spending in person. She told me about the other debts. I also looked her up on our state court's web site and she's been sued by creditors and her car loan company going back a few years.

Okay, I understand. You've been aware of her problems over time, so it doesn't serve you to put a victimized spin on this. That robs you of your responsibility as a grown man to screen women carefully for red flags. Adopt the confidence you can take away from this with a commitment to yourself not to overlook gold digger signals going forward.

Yes, this will shrink your dating pool, but that's the point. You only need ONE good woman.

[Els]

On 9/19/2024 at 10:20 AM, JmanNYC said:

The thing I was thinking...she did not pay rent for 4 months. She had to know the inev was going to happen and that eviction notice would be on her door. She had to know it was coming all that time. Do you think that all the flattery and cooking for me was just to butter me up for the big windfall?

Umm... I wouldn't exactly call 10k a "big windfall" for the average person, but it was certainly a "big windfall" to a person who is 4 months in default, so yes??

The bigger question here IMO is why you carried on with her and paid for bigger and bigger things despite knowing that she wasn't paying rent for 4 months. Yes, you were used, but at this stage perhaps it might be worth doing some introspection to figure out why you stayed despite all the red flags screaming in your face? If you were intending for this to be a long term thing, then surely you would have realized at some point that her irresponsibility would become YOUR problem down the road?

Edited September 21 by Els

[Leihla_B]

4 minutes ago, Els said:

If you were intending for this to be a long term thing, then surely you would have realized at some point that her irresponsibility would become YOUR problem down the road?

Exactly. Don't feign haplessness, it won't serve you. Recognize instead that you're not a dumb young boy. Either you're willing to properly wield the responsibilities of adulthood and wealth, or you are not. You've learned what happens when you don't.